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"No Boss, I love Mary too! I am happy with what I get now, I just wanted to see how much you value Mary, and my work."
"Wonderful, one thing though, I pay Jack Arnold to maintain our vehicles, why do you have to get the oil changed, that is his responsibility, if he can't do I, I don't need him."
"I don't know, he always asks us to do it while we are out."
Bob smiled and lifted Mary and gently kissed her lips, "Mary, that falls under your realm and I'll leave it for you to handle while I figure out how to make enough money to pay our Suzy. The bad part is that if I pay her more, her whole family will want more too."
Mary sniffled and tears rolled down her cheeks, she pouted and gave a little sob as she said, "Honey, you are right, fire the bitch, we need to watch our cash flow."
Suzy looked at Bob, "Boss, did you know the little girl could cry on demand like that? She has that down pretty good, cons the shit out of you with that phony crap doesn't she?"
Bob laughed, "I gotta admit she is really damned good at that stuff. I'll bet she fakes her orgasms all the time too. She is a great actress alright."
Bob looked in his Mary's eyes, he could see confusion there. She softly said, "You don't really believe that do you. It has never, ever, happened, and it never will. You ALWAYS make me orgasm more than once. Sometimes I may squeal a bit louder than normal, but that is to let you know how much you are pleasing me."
Bob held Mary a little tighter, "Sweetie, we are only teasing you, both of us love you and know you were teasing too!"
Mary looked into Bob's eyes, "Robert Patrick Murphy, I love you totally, but sometimes you make me wonder about your intelligence or your hearing. Only one man in this world has ever made love to me, you take me to a world of complete joy and ecstasy, you please me in every possible way and fill my every need, wish, and desire. I truly believe you are the perfect man for me. I only pray that I please you as much as you please me. I really try to do that and I expect you to let me know if I'm failing to please you in any way. You seem to be able to anticipate my desires and I try to do that with you but I don't know how well I am doing, I am afraid you will fire me if I miss something." A tear ran down her cheek.
Bob hugged her and smiled, "Sweetheart, you are perfect in every way, you will never get fired, that would be like cutting off my right arm because my finger hit the wrong key on my computer. Did you read the prenuptial agreement we signed before we got married?"
Mary's head jerked up, "No, I trust you completely, I didn't need to read it."
Bob smiled, "It is a very simple document, you have a copy in your safety deposit box at the bank and it is on file at the courthouse. In any dissolution of our marriage everything either of us or both of us own, except for personal belongings, will be sold and the proceeds will be split evenly between us, period. You, Savanna, and Willy each are owners of large trust funds separate from our marital assets that will provide for each of you forever. I do not want you to stay with me if you don't want to be here."
"Bobby, I there is no other place in the world I want to be more than I want and NEED to be by your side. Money has nothing to do with it; I would happily go back to my old job and support you and our children if that was what I needed to do to keep us together. We are a family and that is what happens when love comes along."
- COMMENTS
Anonymous12 days agoFirst all my respect for taking the time to write a story at all. That is no small feat and no matter how critical I am, at the end of the day you did something that not everyone can do (and even fewer on demand). Also I write this so other writers might benefit from the critiques because it is a common enough problem, you have written a wonderfully easy piece to use as explanation.
The story has potential. My biggest criticism is the first three pages cover less than 24hours in actual time. In that time frame Mary goes from fat kid to gorgeous by way of a 2 line explanation that has almost no bearing on any character development. She goes from broke and homeless, to a yacht where her ever desire is at hand. Hasn't seen this guy in ten years (so when she was 16) to managing his staff. No clothes to full wardrobe. A makeover that she doesn't need because her skin is so flawless and perfect. OH ya and they are in love by the evening they meet and the little boy is calling him daddy after maybe 12 hours. We won't even mention the transplant that he arranges just by happenstance moments after meeting the kid, and a doctor that ignores and breaks every privacy law for his rich donor/good buddy then doubles down by helping traffic in human organs (which does happen its just a little eye rolling how everything is so perfect in place for this rich guy).
You have the makings of 15 page story that spans weeks of character time if not months in the first three pages. Rather than throw them from one improbable success to the next they need to have stressors and growth that real people go through. Even if we all know they will end up happily ever after we want them to earn it a little.
Your rich guy is so free with his time and money that we are to believe he goes full romance for the first person he encounters from his old life. But those same attitudes never made him available to a decent woman already in his circle since the ex-wife "burned him so badly". It's too manipulative to create this puzzle that the man and woman fit so seamlessly.
Mary is basically: an undiscovered model, huge breasts (why can these women ever just have breasts), flawless skin, "virtual virgin", with a child she's so devoted to no one, in six years, ever managed to land her with a little bit of kindness or guile. Or for that matter other than being roofied while she was being a good girl and not even drinking, that didn't seem to have affected her sexuality in any way other than to repress it till ... well ... we're expected to believe till prince charming 6 years later comes along.
I feel like you have never really known rich people or poor people except from magazines or hallmark stories. You tried to make a feel good story and I felt it, I could totally get the vibe you were trying to achieve. Much like the Utopian Matrix it didn't work, it was to easy and whole crops were lost. So I struggled with believing the characters and couldn't relax enough to enjoy the vibe.
I want to end this with a positive. There is a lot of potential in this story and Id really like to see it again in four to five page chapters that could almost be one chapter per page as it stands.
This is about as much editing advice as I can offer for free, find yourself an editor that will work with you and keep at it. It looks like you haven't published anything here recently (2011), I hope your still writing somewhere, you have potential.
Anonymous3 months agoImprobable but romantic and adventurous.
Wealthy Old man at 41? Mature and classy at 26?
Not the wild and crazy girls of Springbreak?
oldpantythiefover 2 years agoStopped too short of the ending... What happened to Don? Did Mary tell Bob that Don is the one that date raped her way back when and is Willys' biological father? That's a lot of game changing shit just to be left up in the air. Might be best is good old Don never makes it out of the hospital, end of that story. Bet Bob could arrange something like that to happen.
Seems like there's a lot of insecurity going on between Don and Mary so they have to keep reminding each other that they are totally in love with the other. Almost to the point of being overboard.
Looks like some have taken exception to the security measures of the overseas trip. A little over reactive for a fictional story IMHO. Other than that, I enjoyed the story, thanks.
Anonymousabout 4 years agoIT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL that,as his wife says,“kidnapping is even more popular here(in China) than it is at home.We try to be very careful,for instance,when we depart we will file a flight plan for Bombay,India.When we approach Bombay we will change our destination to Rome,Italy.When we pass Bombay we may cancel our flight plan and land in Calcutta”!WHAT A HUGE BUNCH OF NONSENSES!First of all,KIDNAPPING IS DEFINITELY NOT “MORE POPULAR” in China than it’s in United States!In China THERE IS BASICALLY NO SUCH THING AS KIDNAPPING!Then,why on Earth would they have filed a flight plan for Bombay when they were going to Rome?!THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!NOBODY COULD HAVE TRIED TO KIDNAP THEM while they were flying!THEY WOULD FILED THAT FLIGHT PLAN FOR ROME,as it was normal!And why would they cancelled their flight plan and land in Calcutta,after they would have passed Bombay?!THEY SHOULD HAVE LANDED IN ROME which was their destination!And,besides that,Calcutta is located before Bombay,on the way to Rome!So,if they would have wanted to land in Calcutta,THEY MUST HAVE TURNED BACK of their way which IS DEFINITELY ABSURD!
Also,IT’S DEFINITELY NOT TRUE what the other woman says,that “isn’t it dangerous to go shopping in someplace like Rome”!THIS IS ANOTHER BIG NONSENSE!NO,of course IT’S NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL to go shopping in Rome!MILLIONS OF PEOPLE go shopping in Rome every day and NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO THEM!Besides,the protagonists of this story WERE HEAVILY GUARDED,so THEY COULD HAVE PERFECTLY WELL WALK ON THE STREETS of Rome to the those shops of well known designers WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM!And why would have been “no other customers there”?!Those customers HAD EVERY RIGHT to be in those shops WHICH ARE NOT RESERVED ONLY FOR “ultra rich people” and surely NO CUSTOMER WOULD HAVE MADE THEM ANY HARM and,anyway,THEY HAD THEIR BODYGUARDS!So,THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for them to have “appointments” at those shops!Super and ultra rich people HAVE NO NEED TO LIVE LIKE THEY WERE SOME CRIMINALS OR BANDITS,hiding and running away from ordinary people,as you try to present their life!STOP WRITING SUCH NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT and WAISTING OUR TIME with YOUR STUPIDITIES!
Anonymousabout 4 years agoIT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL that,as his wife says,“kidnapping is even more popular here(in China) than it is at home.We try to be very careful,for instance,when we depart we will file a flight plan for Bombay,India.When we approach Bombay we will change our destination to Rome,Italy.When we pass Bombay we may cancel our flight plan and land in Calcutta”!WHAT A HUGE BUNCH OF NONSENSES!First of all,KIDNAPPING IS DEFINITELY NOT “MORE POPULAR” in China than it’s in United States!In China THERE IS BASICALLY NO SUCH THING AS KIDNAPPING!Then,why on Earth would they have filed a flight plan for Bombay when they were going to Rome?!THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!NOBODY COULD HAVE TRIED TO KIDNAP THEM while they were flying!THEY WOULD FILED THAT FLIGHT PLAN FOR ROME,as it was normal!And why would they cancelled their flight plan and land in Calcutta,after they would have passed Bombay?!THEY SHOULD HAVE LANDED IN ROME which was their destination!And,besides that,Calcutta is located before Bombay,on the way to Rome!So,if they would have wanted to land in Calcutta,THEY MUST HAVE TURNED BACK of their way which IS DEFINITELY ABSURD!
Also,IT’S DEFINITELY NOT TRUE what the other woman says,that “isn’t it dangerous to go shopping in someplace like Rome”!THIS IS ANOTHER BIG NONSENSE!NO,of course IT’S NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL to go shopping in Rome!MILLIONS OF PEOPLE go shopping in Rome every day and NOTHING BAD HAPPENS TO THEM!Besides,the protagonists of this story WERE HEAVILY GUARDED,so THEY COULD HAVE PERFECTLY WELL WALK ON THE STREETS of Rome to the those shops of well known designers WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM!And why would have been “no other customers there”?!Those customers HAD EVERY RIGHT to be in those shops WHICH ARE NOT RESERVED ONLY FOR “ultra rich people” and surely NO CUSTOMER WOULD HAVE MADE THEM ANY HARM and,anyway,THEY HAD THEIR BODYGUARDS!So,THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for them to have “appointments” at those shops!Super and ultra rich people HAVE NO NEED TO LIVE LIKE THEY WERE SOME CRIMINALS OR BANDITS,hiding and running away from ordinary people,as you try to present their life!STOP WRITING SUCH NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT and WAISTING OUR TIME with YOUR STUPIDITIES!
Anonymousalmost 7 years agoThank you for such a wonderful and heart warming story i had tears of joy and sorrow this is one of the best i have every read warm to the heart and you did a wonderful job in thinking and writing a perfect story thank you
Robert
