Christmas Rhymes

1. Little Lost Elf
Poor little lost Elf, fell off of the shelf,
He had strayed too close to the edge.
Fell in Santa’s sack and couldn’t get back.
Tied up, it was placed on the sledge.

In spite of his yells, drowned out by sleigh bells,
Little Elf was filled with dismay.
The reindeer took off and soon were aloft.
Santa was on his merry way.

Up into the air, the Elf wondered where
At the end of the line he’d be,
Thrown out on his head, left somewhere for dead,
Or under some far Christmas tree?

Elf found out the truth, stopped at the next roof
The sack undone by Santa Claus.
As St Nick’s fists sift, to find the right gift,
The Elf passed one up without pause.

The gift came to hand, “To Tracey & And”,
Old Nick squints in order to see.
“With greatest respects, I brought the wrong specs,
Without Elf, Christmas couldn’t be!”

So throughout the night, every parcel was right.
Elf’s choice was hot, without a blot,
The gifts which they’d wished, so no child was missed,
Every child got, that was the lot.

“There’s none could compare, with Elf we’re a pair,
“Elf’s helping hand’s best in the land.
“Gorgeous or mingers, bell ringers, singers,
“Let the bells ring, let voices sing!”

The sleigh returned home, cheered each Elf and Gnome,
Both safely back with empty sack,
Boxes were crossed, Elf’s job card embossed:
The Elf once lost, now the Elves’ Boss!

2. Winter's Glow
You cannot beat the smell of wood smoke,
Coming from the fire bright,
See the flames lick cherry, pine or oak,
Yule logs burning well alight.

We warm our hands, drive chill from toes,
While Grandmas toast and Grandpas doze.

While it's fun to play out in the cold,
Children soon freeze, hands like ice,
Come in the warm, and cross the threshold,
You'll be cosy in a trice.

We warm our hands, drive chill from toes,
While Grandmas toast and Grandpas doze.

Little faces glow around the blaze
'Til jumpers feel much drier.
Without fail the kids love to always
Toast marshmallows on the fire.

We warm our hands, drive chill from toes,
While Grandmas toast and Grandpas doze.

As weariness works throughout the troupe,
Soon those little eyelids droop,
Mummy and Daddy will soon be here
To make those grandkids disappear.

We've warmed our hands, we're in repose,
Whilst Grandmas chill and Grandpas doze.

3. It’s Time to Switch on All the Lights
It’s time to switch on all the lights,
The illuminations in the towns.
The shoppers flock to see the sights
Of glitter snowflakes and golden crowns.

Eat roasted chestnuts, hot mince pies,
While you shop and shop to heart’s content.
Shop helpers wearing Santa’s guise
While helping select the right present.

It’s hard work shopping ’til you drop,
With queues and waiting, it’s never quick.
So spare a thought you guys who shop
With mechanical mouse and button click!

4. Christmas in Shanty Town
Shanty town wakes to bell and horn
Heaven comes to those forlorn,
The carol singers come around,
Fill the air with heaven’s sound.
To seek the homeless,
Alone and hopeless,
Taking to them a Christmas morn.

The volunteers find all the ways
The homeless in shop doorways,
The singers seek them where they may
Hidden alleys where they lay.
Awakened with sweet tea,
Hot mince pies for free,
Bringing to them the holidays.

Never was a more cheery throng,
Gathered round to hear each song.
Then presents, rounds of socks and hats,
Thick blankets and groundsheet mats,
Shared around the group,
Then warm bread and soup,
Christmas for all, we sing along.

5. Santa’s sack
Santa’s sack is full of toys
Diff’rent gifts for girls and boys
Wrapped and tied with satin bows
Making sure that nothing shows.

Santa comes but once a year,
He’s overhead, now he’s here!
Ev’ry child will find success,
Santa’s sack is bottomless!

Santa’s sack is big and red,
Comes when you have gone to bed.
Close your eyes and fall asleep,
When Santa comes — do not peep!

6. A donkey’s Christmas
“Hey Ginny, Hinny, Josephine,
You’ll never guess where I’ve been!”
“To Bethlehem, we know you Ass,
It’s written on your travel pass,
We’re Donkeys hired for goods or folk,
Come on Ass, what was the joke?”

“No joking but the night was wild,
A girl I carried, full with child.
Inn too full, in a stable stayed,
Her man on his knees and prayed.
While shepherds flocked in with their sheep,
She birthed a babe who wouldn’t weep.

“He smiled and gurgled, charmed us all,
Playing there in that rude stall.
Then a heavenly choir began to sing,
It was crowded, there’s the thing,
Invaded like under attack,
They pushed poor me right to the back.

“Angels sang in harmony tight,
Stable flooded in starlight.
Three Wise Men came with four gifts piled,
Three brought specially for the child,
But wisest Magi of the three
Brought a carrot just for me!”

7. Christmas Office Party Kisses
Kissing under the mistletoe,
Is that as far as you will go?
Tell me, are you interested,
In ending up in a double bed?

Kissing under the mistletoe,
Is that as far as you will go?

We've worked together many a year.
What do we know? What do we fear?
You are single and so am I,
Do we let this moment pass us by?

Kissing under the mistletoe,
Is that as far as you will go?

What have we got to go home to?
Late night movie, Radio 2?
All we deserve and nothing more,
Lonely this Christmas like all before.

Kissing under the mistletoe,
Is that as far as you will go?

Your lips are warm and so are mine,
You taste as sweet as dessert wine,
We kiss our fill, we are merry,
Let's kiss again, one for each berry.

Kissing under the mistletoe,
Is that as far as you will go?

Takes two to tango, don't you know,
Hold on tight I won't let you go.
You and me, we could have such fun,
We melt together as if we're one.

Kissing under the mistletoe,
Is that as far as you will go?

Take no chances, make no mistake,
It's happiness that is at stake.
The day we met I'll never rue
Since then I have always fancied you.

Kissing under the mistletoe,
I think it's time that we should go.

The years have passed without regret,
Ev'ry Christmas is better yet,
We're old and grey, but kisses sweet,
To embrace and kiss is still our treat.

Kissing under the mistletoe,
From spring to winter, rain or snow.

8. Little lost fairy
I’m a little lost fairy
Will you listen to my plea?
Spare a moment if you’re free,
Help me find a Christmas tree.

I really miss the tinsel
And the glow of fairy lights,
The holly and the thistle,
And the children’s sheer delights.

Made in China ’51,
I must look an awful sight.
’bout time I got me hair done,
’cos I look an awful fright!

They’d stored me in the loft space,
In my original box.
Leaks fell dripping on my face,
Leaves me dirty, spots like pox.

Who would want me on their tree?
I know I look so tatty
My stockings are so wrinkly
I look like Nora Batty!

But wait, they are cleaning me,
I’m being reinstated,
My porcelain’s scrubbed dirt free
As fresh as when created.

My hair shines to perfection,
Gossamer wings: snowy white.
My frock is bright pink chiffon,
My wand’s a star so bright.

Good to know I’m finally
Where I’m proud to once more be,
Looking at my family
From atop my Christmas tree!

9. Sleepy little shepherd boy
Sleepy little shepherd boy
Slept as deeply as a stone.
In the middle of the night,
He woke up all alone.

“Where have all the shepherds gone?”
Shepherd boy he wondered.
Sure they wouldn’t leave the sheep
Numbered by the hundred?

Then a little lamb skipped by
To Bethlehem it ran.
The shepherd boy followed on,
At least that was the plan.

The lamb ran to a stable,
Behind an ancient inn,
It sniffed around the doorway,
And then it ran straight in.

The shepherd boy followed it,
Without hesitations.
But it was full of shepherds,
Kings of three nations.

“Excuse me,” the small boy said,
“My lamb has run so far.”
Mary said, “you’re welcome boy,
“The rest followed a star!”

“Over here by the manger,
Little ones are safer.
Come sit here by my baby,
He will be your Saviour!

10. Reception Class Nativity Play
Coughing with colds
Four- and five-year-olds,
Are gathered for their nativity play.
The lines have been learned
Bridges are burned,
The Reception Class enter the fray.

"What do you mean
you haven't yet been?
You're in costume and therefore in trammel,
I told you to go
not half hour ago,
You silly back half of a camel!"

Donkeys just neigh,
The three camels play,
Lining up for the school's Christmas fable.
Performance time comes,
Before Dads and Mums,
In front of the inn's cardboard stable.

One drops his script
An angel's wing ripped,
Tin foil stars slip from the parallel bars.
Emotions take wing,
When those Angels sing
And the children become little stars.

When school bells go,
The teachers' cheeks blow:
"I can't believe how well that went down!"
In staff room gathered,
"Let us get lathered!"
So they decamp to the Rose & Crown!

11. The Christmas tree
Woodman! Woodman! Don’t spare that tree,
Cut it down, that’s the one for me.
Drag it to town, a few yards more,
I live at number twenty four.

Woodman! Woodman! Please don’t complain,
Bring Christmas cheer to my domain.
It isn’t far, don’t make a fuss!
I didn’t come here on the bus!

Woodman! Woodman! We’re here at last,
That little tree is like a mast!
It was smaller in the Autumn—
Can you take some off the bottom?

Woodman! Woodman! Please use some care,
I’ll figure out to put it where.
Not over there, but put it here,
Where it will give me Christmas cheer.

Woodman! Woodman! Please add some light,
And make this tree festive and bright.
I’ll hold the ladder, don’t be soft,
Just some baubles from the loft.

Woodman! Woodman! Christmas spirit
Manifests where ’ere you hear it.
Let me pour you another beer,
My lovely Woodman, Husband, dear!

12. The Silver Band
Playing carols the Silver Band
Comes through with clarity.
Looking like the Sally Ann,
All out for charity.

It really is a noble cause,
Performing pub to pub,
Blowing tunes till closing time,
Then off to the night club.

"You can't bring in that sousaphone,
It's really far too fat."
But tuba trounced the bouncer
In classical B flat!

The bandsmen turned the volume up,
Not unlike Spinal Tap.
They've increased their repertoire,
With garage, house and rap.

But now the session is over,
The Band must now take flight,
Playing their final encore,
A verse of 'Silent Night'.

13. Quality Street
Major Quality and Miss Sweetly
On a stroll through Quality Street.
Major Quality,
Was all jollity,
Miss Sweetly was ever so sweet.

Whilst sucking on his Toffee Finger,
He unwrapped a Golden Penny.
“I’ll pay now and here
For your thoughts my dear,
’cause I really don’t have any.”

“I’d rather have a Toffee Deluxe,
Plain Fudge or Strawberry Delight,
Or all in a whirl,
A Caramel Swirl,
But no Orange Crunchy tonight.”

“May I offer a nutty Noisette?”
“Major bold, do you think that’s wise?”
“Coconut Eclair,
Is more debonair,
But the green foil matches your eyes.”

“Do you think my eyes triangular?”
Miss Sweetly responded so coy,
“A thick Chocy Block —
Once gave me a shock —
But your Purple’s simply a joy.”

Miss Sweetly, smiled at him so sweetly,
As she waded her hand right in
And plucked out with fun,
That bright Purple One,
From the depths of his shiny tin.

14. When Vicar Put on’t Live Nativity
The Church staged the nativity,
The Vicar keenly tried:
Real livestock and a baby,
(Who filled his kecks and cried).

They knocked on every pub in t’street
Did Joseph, ass and lass,
Though there weren’t no room in t’inn,
Still Joseph filled his glass.

By t’time they reached our village green
They crowd were quite a throng,
Our brass band and t’church choir
Lurched in t’ut their first song.

That host of Angels in t’first scene,
Them lasses were from t’Mill,
Wove their wings on t’Mill machine
Held in t’place wi’ tinsill.

Then the entrance of the shepherds —
Each brought a gurt big sheep —
T’was one week off o’ lambing
And some began to seep!

The final lot were t’three Wise Men
Following t’wandering star
Left gifts of gold, scents an’ myrrh,
Then skived off to the bar.

Now Mary were a pretty lass
Her eyes were brown and blue,
Joseph made a pass at her —
There were a right to-do!

Final orders, Joe’s at the bar,
He wants more ale to drink.
t’Copper says he’s had enuff,
Joe winds up in the clink.

The Vicar says, “Never again!
I know what really rocks.
Next year our Nativity
’ill come out of a box!”