A Beauteous Flower Ch. 15

But before her lips contacted Daniel's skin, a strange sensation of a thought halted Madison just six inches from her target. Something was amiss here. Something about what she was about to do felt wrong. For weeks the thought she had lost Daniel tortured her and against all odds he was still here. Her body longed for his touch and warmth, yet, while she hesitated, a new and wholly incongruent question sprang to life in Madison's mind.

Was this right?

What did Daniel want? Her failure to consider Daniel's thoughts and feelings had put them in this position and that had been a major mistake on her part. Was she about to make the same mistake again? Hadn't selfishness done the damage to their relationship after all? Was this desire for a sexual solution to the situation about him, or about her?

Madison knew that one night of passion with Daniel would make her feel better. Much better, actually, in a lot of ways. The touch of his hands, the warmth of his skin, and the taste of his kiss would be restorative, especially now that she had been deprived of it, almost forever. It would also be her penance, as if she had given her body to show Daniel that she wanted to be with him and not Steve the Oaf and to apologize for the damage she had done. It would be exactly in line with what her girlfriends recommended, and it fit with her past experience with men.

But would Daniel feel that way? Madison could not remember a time where she had ever asked a man, let alone Daniel, if they wanted to have sex. Especially so when it came to make-up sex. Her girlfriends constantly reminded her that men wanted to have sex all the time, but suddenly Madison wondered whether that was the case. Would she want to have sex with Daniel if she were in his place? Could it be that maybe, just maybe, Daniel might not want to have sex with her right now? Was it possible that sex would make him feel worse?

Madison drew back from Daniel's exposed neck as she considered these questions. After the party, Daniel made it clear that Madison's offer of sex as an apology was definitely the wrong approach. In fact, it had insulted him, and he ridiculed it. Wouldn't it be another mistake to ignore that warning? It also begged a final question. Did Madison want to have sex with Daniel tonight to make Daniel feel better or herself feel better?

She bit her lip in confusion. Didn't she at least owe him the courtesy of the choice, especially since she was not certain of how he felt about her, about them? Could it be possible that there was more to an apology to her husband than her naked compliance? While Madison meditated, Daniel gave a snort of surprise, and his eyes flew open. Madison retreated a step like one caught in forbidden territory.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's OK," he mumbled groggily. "You feel better?"

"Much better, thanks to you."

Daniel's voice scratched and rumbled like the stubble on his chin. When he was tired, his voice took on a sleepy burr that was delectably sexy to Madison. In the past, she had awakened Daniel just to hear his sleep graveled voice ask, "What's up?" and Madison's body responded to that sound like a Pavlovian dog. Madison still wanted Daniel. Now more than ever. Until a few moments ago, sex was the best way she could think of to heal the breach between them. Yet, Madison suddenly felt that was the wrong approach. It might make her feel better, but it would be selfish. Madison made herself step back as a precaution, so she didn't lustfully leap at Daniel.

"You look exhausted," Madison whispered to him. "Come to bed."

Daniel sighed, but not the sexual sigh that Madison longed for. Instead, it was more a sound of exhaustion than anything, but it still caused another pang of need in Madison. It was all Madison could do to keep her hands off him.

"I think you should be in bed," he answered with a yawn and a stretch that emphasized his muscles in a terribly sensual way. "You're the one on the mend, not me."

Madison wanted Daniel so badly her teeth hurt, but she forced down her desire to devour him and retreated another step.

"I'm not tired," she whispered. "Lie down with me."

Daniel blew another tired sigh out of his nose. In her mind, Madison pressed her body close to Daniel's and enjoyed his warmth. All Madison wanted in the world was to kiss Daniel and forget everything; her girlfriends, the party, the Gandalf incident, Steve the Oaf, the outside world, everything. Madison body quivered with anticipation like a horse in the gate before a race, but despite that she retreated another step. She owed him the choice. Daniel would have to come to her. However, that didn't mean that Madison's body did not revolt, and that she didn't do her best to send him a plea with her eyes and that when Daniel didn't respond, that she didn't feel as if a giant iron hand pushed down on her chest. She needed Daniel so badly, but she couldn't have him. Not until he decided to come to her. She gave him her best smile and somehow managed not to break down and sob like a child at the distance she felt between them.

"I'd feel better if you rested some more." He repeated.

Prior to this moment, Madison would not have accepted "no" for an answer from Daniel. She would have pressed and cajoled and tickled and teased and even gotten petulantly bratty until Daniel yielded to her. But something had changed in Madison with this time of separation and she understood that the simple act of sex would not heal the gulf between them. She would feel better in the afterglow because she would feel like she had made it up to him and repaired things and rescued their relationship. As a result, she would become inattentive and not pay attention to Daniel's needs, his true needs, whatever he revealed those to be. In the end if she wanted to repair her relationship, she had to think and act differently and put Daniel's needs first, not her own. As such she had to give up his body until he came to her, at least for a while.

It was time to take Mrs. Selene's advice and act like Mrs. Selene had acted. Daniel had helped her escape from her nightmare of Steve the Oaf and the cold school of mermaids. Now Daniel needed her help to get out of his own nightmare, a nightmare Madison helped create, that was all too real, and all too present. It haunted their relationship like an evil spirit it, and tainted their home with a picture of Madison in the arms of another man. If she cared about Daniel, they had to exercise this spirit, and to do that she had to be attentive to Daniel's wants and needs, his heart and not his body.

She stepped back again, and Daniel's face twitched with something that might have been fear if he had given her enough time to register it before he suppressed it. She noticed how the tension eased from his shoulders as she got farther away from him and it seemed that he carefully measured the distance between them as Gandalf had previously done. Like Gandalf, Daniel needed space to experience and process the anger and hurt and disappointment and humiliation and a thousand other things. It all stabbed at Madison's heart. Daniel needed time and Madison wanted to give him that time because she loved him.

"It's OK," Madison whispered to him. "I understand. I love you."

Daniel green eyes darted around like he was cornered. Daniel had green eyes, such green eyes, that smoldered like dusky emeralds fires.

"Daniel, you look exhausted," Madison prompted. "Go to bed."

"I'm fine," Daniel demurred.

"You need sleep too."

Daniel looked away from her and started to say something, but then changed his mind. Again, Madison's heart tore a little. Her Daniel was physically here with her, but his soul, his heart, and emotions, were still miles away, locked deep inside of him, and Madison had just gotten her first look at just how far she had to go to rebuild the trust in their relationship. Daniel still might love her, but she sensed that he didn't feel safe around her and he wasn't sure if she loved him. He did not trust her. Their relationship stood upon a knife's edge. If she wanted to save it she would have to be more like Daniel; thoughtful and gentle and careful and attentive.

Madison resolved that she would take what he dished out, just as he had been forced to take what she so carelessly dished out. She would show him her love through intense effort and time. She had promised him she would do anything, after all. For Daniel she would unlearn a lifetime of habits and re-learn things she had thought she had mastered long ago. Sympathetically, Madison imagined that maybe Daniel's lack of sleep was due to nightmares about the party and Madison and Steve the Oaf, and when he awoke, he probably wondered if Madison would still be there. That struck Madison as exceptionally cruel. Yet, despite that Daniel had nursed her body back to health. Now Madison had to nurse Daniel's heart back to health.

"It's OK," Madison assured him.

"I'm... I'm going to move into the cabin, Madison. At least for now. I've got my cell phone. If you need anything, call me. And I'll be around the house during the daytime."

Madison nodded. It was time for Madison to work on what Daniel wanted for a change. Even if it wasn't what she wanted. She braced herself and offered him the escape hatch.

"Daniel if... if you need the divorce. I understand," she told him directly. "You do what you need to do. It's OK."

Now it was Daniel's turn to nod.

"Thank you. Do you want me to leave Gandalf here?"

Madison shook her head.

"He'll be more comfortable with you."

Daniel scooped Gandalf up off the floor. Madison held the sheet clasped at her chest and rose on her toes to plant a chasten kiss on Daniel's cheek.

"I love you, Daniel. I'll be right here if you need me. I know you're hurt and angry and it's OK. You have every right to be, and I'm sorry I did that to you. I'm sorry I made you feel that way, I'm sorry I made you feel second best and I'm sorry I made you feel like you didn't count and that your thoughts and feelings were worthless. If I could go back in time and undo it I would, but you should know this."

Madison looked deeply into Daniel's green eyes.

"I love you, Daniel. And I'll do whatever it takes because I love you."

Daniel nodded slowly.

"Thank you, Madison. I'm..."

"Shhhh. We'll talk when you're better rested. Now you go get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Thank you."

After another sympathetic kiss on the cheek, Madison let Daniel walk. He paused at the door with his hand on the knob and looked back at her.

"I read your story," he told her. "Thank you for that."

Emotion tightened Madison's throat so she could only nod in reply.

"That piece of writing was deeply personal," Daniel observed. "That must have been tough, tough to write I mean."

Madison cleared the emotion from her throat.

"Not really," she told him. "I just did what you do. I just sat in front of my computer and it just came out of me through my fingers. I felt so exhausted when it was over."

Daniel nodded thoughtfully.

"I respect your effort. It was brave to be that vulnerable."

Madison looked Daniel straight in the eye.

"I'll brave anything for you. The only hard part about it was the fear that I might lose you forever. Compared to that the writing was a snap. I'll brave whatever it takes to prevent that because I love you, Daniel."

Daniel's eyes flicked nervously away from her as if he hid something, but after a moment of evasion, he returned to her gaze.

"Thank you for that," spoke Daniel softly. "And thank you for helping me understand, understand you, a little better. You took a big risk as an author."

"You're worth it," Madison told him firmly. "And you're welcome."

Then Daniel nodded respectfully to Madison and, after a few more minutes of eye contact, turned out of the bedroom and his footsteps retreated down the stairs. The back door shut and presently the lights of the cabin shown through the French doors. Alone in her room with her thoughts, Madison nearly collapsed under an avalanche of regret and fear and doubts and a thousand questions which, in the end, boiled down to just one. Was she up to this? If she wasn't, if she failed, she would hurt Daniel all over again and that thought was too terrible to even entertain. Madison lay down alone in her big canopy bed and stared into the dying fire until she fell asleep. She needed her rest too. This would be a long road back.