All Comments on 'A Day with You'

If you want people to enjoy your story, don't just jump into sex without any explanation of who the people are, what they look like, why they are there, etc... Your total lack of details and an introduction made this something I wasn't even interested in reading after the first few lines. I'm sure you can do better than this, just ease us into your story by telling us a little about it and the characters first.

The paragraphs are too long, the bold print is incredibly distracting, and basically it reads like a guy unskillfully telling about a porn film he once saw. The advantage erotic writing has over video is that it can involve the reader in thoughts, feelings, and sensory experience that video can't convey. All those things are missing in this story.

Needs editing. Your shifts in writing style throughout are distracting. And why ever did you BOLD some of the type.

I can see what you all are talking about, sorry this is my first writting, just learning I am working on two more writtings hope you all will like them better. thanks for the comments helps me with future writting.