A Discouraging Word

The rest of my trip would be spent getting some rays and reading a good book. I'd picked up a copy of Allison Daniela Brady's new book before leaving home; my love life sucked but that didn't mean that I couldn't read about somebody who might get a happy ending. Mom's skimpy bikini went back in my duffel bag, too, not to be seen any more on this or probably any other trip ever again.

Therefore, I packed my little cooler on Saturday morning and, wearing dark shades and my favorite one-piece bathing suit, headed back to the beach for my first visit since Tuesday. It was cut low enough to show some cleavage but not so low as to threaten to show my belly button like some that I'd seen. The back covered my butt pretty well, too, unlike the hot pink thing.

Bart and I had two chairs and a beach umbrella as part of our package so the empty chair had come in handy when Holden was around, but not so much otherwise. I'd lost track of how many guys had sat down in the empty chair when they stopped to speak with me, but now I just wanted to be left alone. I dragged the second chair back to the resort hut, only to receive a strange look from the kid manning it when I turned it in.

"Is something wrong with it?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied, "it attracts bums and no-accounts."

With only one chair, I was left in peace for the most part, spending some time lying out on my little blanket getting some rays and a lot more sitting in the chair in the shade of the umbrella staying cool. The wind was off the water, making it feel sort of cool even though the temperature was actually well above 90. I read for a while, took a nap, walked, rested, and generally just relaxed and enjoyed myself for the first time since I'd arrived.

Early that evening as I and most of the last of the beachgoers were packing up to go, I saw a dad and two little kids coming out to set up on the beach. The little girl, maybe five or six, was really darling, with her blonde hair pulled back in a high ponytail and wearing a little two-piece bathing suit. She was as cute as a button but board thin.

As soon as she had her flip flops off, she was running toward the surf with her dad yelling after her. A second later and looking more than a little harried, he scooped up the little boy, another cutie, probably about 3 or 4, and took off running after her. As white as they all were, I suspected they'd just arrived at the resort and that the mom was upstairs taking a much-needed nap after a long ride in the car.

That's how my parents sometimes handled it before our four youngest brothers came along, anyway. After that, both parents were needed for supervision and it was only when Sue finally married and Ronny and I were almost grown that they ever got a break.

I smiled at the memory, finished gathering up my things, and headed inside with a smile.

***

Sunday, July 10th

Putting my troubles of the past few days behind me, I had a good run along the beach to see another sunrise, seeing it as a symbol for a chance at a new beginning. The rest of my trip would be fun, relaxing, and all-around better, just like I hoped my life would be.

When I went out on the beach a bit later, the second chair, the one I'd struggled so hard to return, was back, right beside my chair as before. I barely squelched the urge to say a bad word, but that led to a good chuckle. None of it mattered, not my efforts to return it, nor whether some uncouth idiot decided to grace me with his presence. I'd leave the chair, ignore all idiots, swear off the curse words (as much as possible), and relax. After all, relaxation was what I'd originally come for.

That and a good tan.

A little while later, I was lying out flat on my back on my beach blanket getting my first round of sun for the day when I heard a noise and some sand kicked up on me.

"What?" I asked, raising my head up and putting on my sunglasses to see what was happening.

A little girl—the one from the previous evening, I suddenly realized—came running up and stopped just short of me looking a little nervous. Her hair was up in a ponytail like before but this time she was wearing a one-piece floral swimsuit.

"Excuse me. Can I have our frisbee, please?"

Looking over, I saw that her frisbee must have been what threw the sand on me; it had landed right next to the edge of my blanket.

"Hi, sweetie, of course you can," I replied. "Did your family just get her last night?"

She nodded.

"Have you been to the beach before?"

Her head shook this time and I noticed she was already getting a little pink. Holding the frisbee out, I said, "Well, I hope you'll have a great time but you're on the verge of getting a sunburn. If you do, it can hurt, so get your mommy or your daddy to put more sunscreen on you, okay?"

She stared at me, biting her lower lip. I looked over and suddenly realized that I didn't see her mom again this morning.

"What's wrong, sweetie? Is your mommy feeling bad and staying in the room?"

The little girl's head dropped, her eyes staring down at her feet, and I thought she was about to cry.

"No, my mommy's in heaven."

My heart dropped, seemingly about ten feet into the ground, and tears sprang to my eyes. I felt so horrible, so small and insignificant for hurting that little girl, that I felt like I could pull the hole in on top of myself like in one of those old Looney Toons-type cartoons and disappear. Unfortunately, there was no hole and I wasn't in a cartoon.

She started crying, so I was up like a shot to my knees and pulled her into my arms, patting her back, saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," over and over again.

The dad had been watching us from a distance all that time, keeping a close watch on her, but as soon as I moved and started hugging her, he scooped up the little boy in one arm and started sprinting toward me. I kept my eyes on him, allowing him to see that I knew the connection between them as I patted her back, trying to comfort her and nodded to him when he pulled up to a stop.

"Sweetheart, your daddy's—"

"What's going on here?" he demanded, quietly but with authority, clearly interested in protecting his child being held by a complete stranger.

Trying to fight off my own tears over what I'd done to her, I looked up at him and replied, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

His concern was still there but when he heard my comment, a strange, questioning look settled on his face, so I mouthed silently, Her mother.

The tenseness eased from his face and he seemed to slump as he gave a nod, suddenly understanding her behavior. He dropped to his knees behind her and put the boy on the ground but held onto him. "Eighteen months ago," he whispered, "but it's still like it was yesterday. And even worse for her than..."

He nodded to the little boy, leading me to guess that the child didn't remember enough about his mom for it to have affected him like the girl.

I'm sure the man would have taken her but she was holding me tight and I was holding her back, still rubbing her back and now whispering, "It will be okay. It's gonna be okay."

She finally nodded but didn't let go, so I asked in a very soft voice, "What's your name, sweetheart?"

"Trixie," she whispered.

"That's a lovely name, Trixie. My name's Sophie, and it's very nice to meet you."

"Trixie, you need to let Miss Sophie go now so we can go back over to our play area and let her get back to what she was doing," her dad said. "And Sophie, thank you."

"I'm sorry," I said to him this time. "And Trixie, maybe I'll see you again tomorrow if you're still here."

"Good," she replied with a smile, suddenly almost as happy as she'd been sad just seconds before. "See you tomorrow, Sophie!"

She squeezed my neck again, I gave her one back, and then she let go and took her dad's hand. He said "Thank you" to me as they turned and walked away.

***

Not able to concentrate, I went back inside for a while, did some research, and wrote down a list of questions. After lunch, I made my way to the local riding stable where I'd booked an appointment several weeks earlier to ride on the beach in the waves. This, I believed, would be the highlight of my trip.

I was the only single in our group; three couples and two families made up the rest, so Mark, the male guide who was roughly my age, made it a point to have me in front of the group with him so I'd "have company." The female guide in the back, probably in her mid-twenties, glared at him when he said it, but I went along with it so I could hear everything he said as he told us about the area and so I could ask questions, too.

My horse was a cream-color mare with a white blaze and white front socks; she was beautiful and reasonably well-mannered, reminding me of the mare I'd often ridden as a teenager on my grandparents' farm near Creek City. Once I was in the saddle and she saw that I knew what I was doing and wouldn't jerk her around like some of the new riders, we had a great time together.

It was a wonderful ride, feeling the horse beneath me and splashing through the waves. When Mark saw that several of us were experienced riders, he let us have some leeway on the gait, getting up to a good trot for a short distance before calling us to a stop so the group of walkers could catch up.

While I wanted to keep going for miles, it was over before long, and I climbed down to let the stable boy take my mare. Mark was there then.

"Did you have a nice time, Sophie?"

"Yes, very nice, Mark. Thank you. If you have any slots open, I'm considering another ride later in the week."

"We'd love to have you come back," he said with a smile. "And, ah, say, since you're going to be here for a few days, would you like to have dinner with me one night?"

"Ah, Mark, ahem..."

Not wanting to reveal too much about myself, particularly after I'd spilled my guts to Holden despite Sue's earlier advice, I went with the basic truth without adding any details. "My life's really complicated right now so...I'm sorry, I don't think it would be a good idea."

To my surprise, he nodded. "Sorry to hear that but hope you get things figured out soon. And we really would be glad to have you come on another ride if you want to schedule."

He gave me a little smile and started to step away but I called after him, "Mark?"

"Yeah?"

I wasn't sure if I should say anything but he seemed like a nice guy and maybe I'd have enjoyed an evening with him under other circumstances so maybe I could help him. "Have you, ah, thought about asking out our female guide? The way she looked at you, I'm not sure but I think she might say yes if you did."

He looked at me and then laughed. "I don't think so. She always gives me those strange looks; she's my sister."

For the second time that day, I needed that cartoon hole to climb into!

***

I didn't want to leave the resort for dinner that night and couldn't stand the thought of eating in my room for yet another evening. In addition, I also ruled out the resort's upscale restaurant and the nightclub; having put the experience with Holden behind me, I didn't want anything else like that on my conscience.

Therefore, I went to dinner at the resort's family restaurant, a safe, friendly option that had some reasonable choices that wouldn't break the bank if I didn't go overboard. Unfortunately, I'd barely sat down when I had to wave off a guy who thought it his duty to rescue me from dining alone. I finally convinced him that "not interested" really means that and then had to do it all over again when Savior Number 2 showed up.

Unlike the first guy, he wouldn't take a hint or then a direct decline to his offer, and I was becoming concerned that I'd have to call the manager, or maybe even the cops.

"There's no need for you to eat alone, Honey, or to do anything else alone this evening for that matter," he said.

He was reminding me of Holden and the subtle little hints he'd dropped that I'd missed or ignored. That wouldn't happen again, I decided. "Listen, I'm not Honey, Dear, Sugar, Sweetheart, or anything else like that." Lowering my voice to a whisper, I added more forcefully, "I'm not Bitch, Cunt, Whore, or anything like those, either. What I am, mister, is not interested, got it?"

"Oh, don't be like that—"

I tuned out the rest, though I'm pretty sure he used one or two of the nastier terms I'd already disclaimed. Manager it was, I decided, so I looked around to find him only to see a little blonde streak barreling toward me.

"Sophie!" she squealed.

"Trixie!" I replied, ignoring my suitor as steadfastly as Penelope with her loom did with her passel, and hugged her tight to me. The man must have been as allergic to kids as a vampire to holy water for he suddenly took the hint and scampered away without another word.

I let Trixie go and looked at her to say, "Where's your—"

"Hi," he said, coming up behind her. "I'm Aaron, Aaron Tucker, Trixie's, and Elysha's, dad."

"I'm Sophie," I replied, biting off Woodruff just before it could slip out, as I shook his extended hand. It was warm and nice, and I realized we were still holding hands a second or two later. Releasing, I suddenly asked, "Ahem, would you all like to join me?"

"Please, Daddy?" begged Trixie, "Can we eat with Sophie?"

He looked hesitant so I glanced at Trixie and said, "Please? I'd enjoy eating with my favorite girl."

He hesitated for a moment, probably debating inside, before nodding. "Okay, if you're sure it's okay."

Moments later, Aaron, Trixie, and Elysha were around the table with me and my self-appointed saviors stopped arriving.

Trixie, it turned out, had just turned six. "I'll be in 1st grade soon. Elysha will be four—when, Daddy?"

"July 30."

"He'll be in Pre-K when he's four. How old are you, Sophie?"

"Beatrix Tucker!" exclaimed her dad with a laugh. "You don't ask an adult that, Sweetie. Let's quit asking Sophie so many questions, okay?"

I smiled and said, "No harm done," but was sort of happy that it allowed us to enjoy the rest of the wait for our meals in relative peace without forcing me to spill any of my secrets.

Still, polite discussion continued. Aaron volunteered that he was an architect at some point in the evening and was about to say more when I stopped him.

"Aaron, can we speak privately for a second?"

It was probably a strange request so his look wasn't too surprising but he agreed. After telling the kids, "Stay still and stay put, we'll be right over there and will be back in a second," we stepped over to where he indicated.

"Aaron, it's probably going to sound silly, but I don't want to tell you any specifics about myself and don't want you to tell me anything like that either."

"You're right. It does sound silly," he agreed with a laugh before turning serious. "Why?"

"It's hard to explain, but I'm sort of in recovery mode, for lack of a better term, on this trip. I'm trying to have a good time in the moment but not have anything really serious on my mind when I go home in a few days."

"Recovery mode?"

"Part of the specifics I don't want to get into."

"Gotcha. So would it be best if we just leave you alone?"

"No, I'm not saying that, but it would be better if we stay in the moment and be really casual friends without revealing too much about our backgrounds or ourselves. You and I both know that we'll never see each other again after we leave this place, so what's the purpose?"

He looked concerned but gave a little nod. "You want to be casual friends but not have any strings attached when you leave, even though nothing beyond the most casual imaginable has happened. If nothing does, no problem and it doesn't matter anyway, but let's assume for a moment that, somehow or another, some romantic interest pops up between us—oh, and for the record, I've just recently decided that I have to move on from my late wife so I could be open to that with the right person. In the case that we were to feel something, what you're asking makes no sense, Sophie. The world's changed, even since we were born. We have cell phones, text messages, email, and video calls. Going home doesn't necessarily mean never seeing each other again and people are friends with people they've never even met in person from other countries."

"But that's long-distance, Aaron, I can't deal with long-distance right now. And, let's just say I'm afraid of letting myself get too close to anyone, to get too attached, which would defeat the purpose of my whole trip. Does that help?"

He huffed. "Hmmm. Maybe a little, but not enough. Sophie, if it were just you and me, I'd be walking away right now despite how beautiful you are, but Trixie really likes you and wants to be your friend, so I'll be your casual friend for her. Don't hurt her, though, please. After her mom, she doesn't need to deal with that again. And now, I need to get back to them because I think Elysha's about to come out of that booster seat."

Aaron was good to his word when we returned to the table, not giving too much specific information about them and not digging too much into mine. Our food arrived soon after, and we enjoyed our meal with polite discussion at times, relative silence at others, and Trixie's normal chatter the other 90 percent of the time. Aaron reminded her not to talk with her mouth full, which worked, and then tried to stop her on several occasions, which didn't. He finally gave up, letting her motor run, hoping, I think, that she'd run out of gas sooner or later.

Elysha was about to fall asleep in his booster seat and Trixie was yawning as we settled the bill. Aaron wanted to pay for mine but I wasn't having it and it wasn't long before the waitress arrived with split tickets. He paid by credit card while I put mine on my room charge, but I waited with them for Aaron's card to come back.

"Sophie, so how long are you going to be around here?" he asked.

"I've already been here for a week so I'm leaving Saturday morning; it's a two-day drive for me and I have to go back to work on Monday." I realized as I said the last part that I was probably giving away too much by Sue's standards and what I'd told him, but Aaron didn't seem to question it and I followed up with, "What about you guys?"

"Sunday for us," he said. "Just a one-day drive home, and back to work on Monday for me and Mrs. McInally, who normally takes care of the kids; this is her vacation, too. Speaking of the kids, have you done anything fun that they can do around here other than the beach or things at the resort?"

I smiled. "Actually, yes." I mentioned a couple of places I'd visited plus Moody Gardens. Then I added, "My favorite was today, and there were parents there with kids smaller than yours. There's a riding stable nearby where you can ride horses on the—"

"Horses! Can we, Daddy? Can we?" Trixie, who'd been yawning like crazy, was suddenly wide awake again and she succeeded in waking Elysha. She was so excited I knew this was something that Aaron would definitely want to do, so I pulled out my phone to get the information for him.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, but we can't. You'd both have to ride with someone and I can't carry you both."

It struck me then that he was exactly right. Elysha was definitely too small and none of the kids on the ride earlier in the day had been anywhere close to being as small as Trixie unless they were riding with a parent. I felt so bad when she slumped down in response to his rejection. Maybe it was that disappointment that she was feeling or perhaps it was my own for getting her hopes up before her dad dashed them, but something caused me to have an idea.

"Aaron, can I speak with you for a moment about another idea?" I asked.

He agreed, and, after telling the kids to stay put and stay quiet, we stepped back to our private discussion spot a few feet away.