by Baloden
Just reread this story and since the prose is so very stilted am wondering if english is possibly not your native language . . . .
Writing style is very childish and begs for major editing and possible rewrite. Try again after you pass a course a course in writing 101 . . . .
Having read a couple of your stories, am now left wondering if it's just your style or if it's to do with some outside influence, but cannot determine if you're writing a commentary, which is what it seems like most of the time. Now, having said that, I will definitely not be reading any more.
Let me clarify, after reading this whole 'article', I'm still unsure. The way in which this is written is most confusing! More clarification; a commentary is given while watching a Golf tournament or a Horse race, while a narrative is given while watching a Documentary such as most programmes on National Geographic. While not exactly condemning this author, this most definitely is in the wrong category; personally I feel it belongs in Siy-fi section. Looking forward to seeing what other readers think.
I'm sorry, this was one of the stupidest things I've ever read.
Very poor.
Totally lacking realism. You have a talk with your 18 year olds about sex and then go into the girl's bedroom and wake her up out of a sound sleep and ask her to have sex with the two of you. Totally unrealistic. The dialog lacked realism as well.