A Full Service Company

Author's Note: This is NOT a complete story -- it is more of a vignette, based on a very humorous commercial for the Dollar Shave Club, entitled "Shopping Experience" (and can be found on the web). In the ad, a husband is out shopping for hair products, but the store employee he consults is useless. The husband receives a phone call from a DSC rep who appears to be calling from the husband's bathroom. The rep says "Those guys don't know what you need. I do, and I'll bring it right to your house". The husband is then visibly taken aback when he notices someone else in the bathroom, and he asks "Is that my wife?" The camera angle switches to the husband's phone screen, where we see the sales rep in the foreground, with the wife's face and bare shoulders visible in the shower behind him. The wife (with a big smile on her face) exclaims "Hi, honey!" The husband mumbles a disheartened "Hi, honey" in response, and the scene closes as the rep winks and gives the OK sign.

One might infer the wife was showering after a tumble in the sheets with the rep, but this submission explores the husband's perspective from a different scenario, to wit:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the guy in my bathroom gave me the "OK" sign, I was too stunned to say anything. But after a couple of seconds, my wife spoke, asking "And ...?"

The guy turned to her and said "Um, pardon me?"

"Well, just you offered my husband something, so I was thinking, in all fairness you should ..."

"Oh! Of course -- what can I do for you?"

"Well, how about my back?"

I was too dumbstruck to say anything, but he certainly wasn't and replied "You got it." He evidently slipped his phone into his pants pocket, although he failed to turn the camera off. So while all I could see was the far side of the bathroom, the audio remained loud and clear.

I could tell he approached the shower. I heard the shower curtain shift a bit, and then my wife say, "Hey, mister, watch it, you're getting water all over the floor."

"Oh sorry, maybe I should ..."

"Sure, c'mon in."

"I'd rather not get my clothes soaked."

"Well," she said, "that's easily remedied."

"Yes, ma'am," he responded cheerfully. The camera started moving around a lot as I heard the rustle of clothes. After a few more seconds, the view was suddenly blurred by motion, and I heard the distinctive sound of a belt buckle hitting the tile of the bathroom floor. The impact must have jarred the camera slightly out of his pocket, because now I had a great view ... of the bathroom ceiling. Then I heard another rustling of the shower curtain.

This finally stirred me into action, and I yelled out "Hey!", which brought me some strange stares from my fellow shoppers in the store.

However, the response from the other side of the line was much more muted. The guy said "What was that?", to which my wife responded, "I didn't hear anything. Here's the soap."

I was frozen to the spot. It was like seeing one of those big accidents on the freeway -- I couldn't draw my eyes away from the phone's screen, even though all I could see was the blue of our bathroom ceiling.

After a bit I heard my wife say, "Mmmm, a little lower please ... no, lower ... lower ... lower, lower, YES, that's perfect, right there."

Then after a couple of minutes more, "Yes, mmm, that's very nice. Keep doing that."

Then after another interval, "Whoa -- is that what I think it is?"

The guy began, "Well ..."

"Jeez mister, that feels humongous."

The guy sort of chuckled, and again just said, "Well ..."

"I just gotta take a little peek, I ... Oh my goodness: it's HUGE. Look at the size of that thing. I mean, I can barely get my hand around it."

Again, the guy was only able to manage the single word, "Well ..."

Then there weren't any more words. Just the sound of the running water from the shower. But then I began to make out another noise. One like the muffled sound of delight a kid makes when cramming an entire cupcake into their mouth. After a couple of minutes I heard my wife gasping.

"Wow," said the guy, slightly out of breath himself, "not too many gals could do that."

As my wife began to regain her breath, she replied, "Well, when you see something that big and juicy, well you just have to try it on for size, know what I mean? Here, let me see if I can get it all in this time."

Again I heard the muffled sounds, but soon they gained an increased intensity -- in fact, almost a sense of urgency. And then of greater delight, until it sounded ... rapturous.

"Mmmph, mmmph, mmmph" -- it seemed to go on and on, and all I could do was to stare dumbly at our bathroom ceiling. Then I heard a deep moaning, that sounded like it came from the guy. Then the two sounds together picked up in both speed and intensity, until at last I heard a final, deep guttural "Ahhhhh", coupled with a higher pitched, virtual squeal of muffled delight.

After that, I heard only the continued sound of the running shower. Then after a moment or two:

"That was amazing, ma'am. I really didn't think you could ... I mean the whole thing."

"Well, I just ... oh wait, I missed a drop ... there, that's got it all."

"Wow -- thank you!"

"No, no, thank you, mister. It was absolutely delicious."