A Gift in Disguise Ch. 11

Though I had no desire to embarrass her, she had nevertheless asked a direct question. I gave her a brief but truthful answer.

"Were you shocked by what you saw?" she asked.

I responded that before I viewed it, Emily had told me that both she and Lorraine had not only agreed to but wanted everything that I was about to see on the video. I was mildly surprised but not shocked.

Lorraine's eyes took on a look of anticipatory lust. "Did what you saw excite you, Tom?" The tone of her question suggested the answer she sought.

"Yes, I have to admit it did."

"And did you masturbate while you watched us?"

"Yes."

Her facial expression reflected her personal satisfaction or maybe a feeling of personal triumph.

"If our meeting on Saturday had gone off as planned, if both you and Jamie could have been there and if I hadn't received that emergency call, Emily and I had planned to recreate for you and Jamie in my office what Emily and I did in the motel."

"And you hoped Jamie and I would join in," I finished Lorraine's thought for her. "I suspect we would have. It would have been very hard not to."

She took a second or two to appreciate what I had just revealed.

"Well," she said with a tone reflecting her pleasure and clear approval with my matter-of-fact response.

"When you called to arrange today's meeting, Tom, you sounded somewhat upset. Was that my imagination or is something bothering you?"

I explained that on Saturday Emily had shown me a video of two trans women to demonstrate the versatility of her video recording and processing system.

"I've seen that video, Tom. I know Karla and Kerri. They're the models Marta and Emily use for promotional videos. They're very attractive, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are."

"And you see your attraction to them as a problem for you," she stated. I sensed she knew where the conversation was going. When I didn't, or maybe couldn't, answer immediately, she went on.

"I assume that you and Emily were both so stimulated that you had sex while you were watching the video?"

I merely nodded while gazing at the floor.

"So do you see something wrong with that, Tom?"

Again, she waited patiently for me to answer. I really didn't have a direct answer. She must have read my mind.

"Let me take a guess, Tom. You feel that because they're trans women, it's somehow wrong for you to be sexually attracted to them and aroused by them. And once again you're concerned that your sexual attraction to one or both of them somehow means you're somehow turning gay. Because if that's your concern, Tom, I assure you it doesn't. Your sexual attraction is to their femininity, not their penis.

The key word is 'women', Tom, not 'trans'. Psychologically, emotionally, behaviorally, and in every defining way except anatomically, Karla and Kerri are women. That's how they see themselves and accept themselves. Their self-definition as women is as complete and accurate as your defining yourself as a man. They and you are equally correct.

We as a society have been quick to seize on anatomical gender features as the absolute end-all and be-all to defining our sexuality. Gender clearly matters when it comes to reproduction of the species, but the definitions get blurrier at the edges when it comes to sexuality and the feelings associated with it. Society expects us to define our sexuality exclusively by our primary sexual organs and completely ignore our other anatomical indicators and our minds. It's a completely unreasonable expectation.

I think what' causing your concern, Tom, is you understand that, and you're making a valiant effort to come to grips with the obvious conflict it creates. It's not just a matter of your being open-minded or socially tolerant, Tom. It's that you can genuinely empathize with men with some female traits and women with some male traits. That does not in any way whatsoever make you less of a man, but it will make you more attractive to both men and women. You perceive that and you think it should concern you because society has convinced you it should.

After you met with Marta, she called me and discussed what her mother had taught her about the saino. Marta said she had discussed it with you, too. I don't know enough about it to totally discuss it, but it is consistent with what I've read and seen in other studies about young men and women who exhibit intergender traits of sexuality while also accurately self-defining as heterosexual."

I looked up again, straight into Lorraine's eyes. I saw sincerity and understanding, not anger, not condescension.

"Tom, I know I sound like a stuck record, but I want to think back again to your first encounter with Stephanie when you were an undergraduate.

Your fraternity brothers set you and Stephanie up. When you saw her in the bar, they probably saw your interest in her because she was sexy. At least one of your friends knew or quickly determined she was a trans woman, so they hastily concocted a cruel plan to hook you up with her for their own selfish amusement.

At some point when you were distracted, one of them approached Stephanie. He may have lied to her, told her that you knew she was transgendered and were very attracted to her. When you returned, they encouraged you to talk with her. One thing led to another, and you both ended up first kissing, then feeling each other up out in the parking lot. When you felt Stephanie's erection, you were surprised.

You told me, and I believe you, that you and Stephanie simultaneously realized that your frat brothers had deceive both of you. With remarkable wisdom and understanding, you and Stephanie both also realized that neither of you was complicit with their cruel hoax. You were both unwitting victims of it. Clearly you both sexually aroused each other. You both wanted sex, but the reality of the situation killed the moment. But it only temporarily diminished your underlying sexual desire for her; it didn't destroy it, did it?"

Lorraine didn't wait for an answer from me before continuing.

"Most men in your situation would have instantly rejected Stephanie and stomped off in a huff or done something even more inappropriate. Instead, you left with her and went to a coffee house to talk with each other about what happened. Unlike your fraternity brothers, you and Stephanie behaved like two mature and sexually secure adults that night. Likely that bonded you both as friends.

In talking with Stephanie, you learned that she had been trying to establish a serious relationship with a coed she was regularly dating, but they'd had a serious disagreement. To avoid a disastrous breakup, Stephanie went to the bar. She was vulnerable and you were interested and aware — she thought.

As time went on you and Stephanie became friends, but you never had sex. You said she was finally able to get into a very stable relationship with the young woman she had been seeking, and you didn't want to disrupt that.

Tom, there's something I never asked you in any of our sessions, but I think this is the right time to ask it.

Hypothetically, suppose Stephanie were to end her relationship with her lover. Or maybe she simply wanted to have sex with you outside her relationship, possibly even with the encouragement of her partner. Could you and would you have sex with her knowing she is a trans woman? You said you, Stephanie, and her partner sometimes get together as friends, but what if her partner was not in the picture or was agreeable and even stimulated by the thought of you and Stephanie together? Are you still sexually attracted to her?"

I had to give it some thought. Lorraine sat quietly waiting for my answer. Finally I said, "Yeah, I am, but ..."

"... But you're afraid people would think you are no longer a straight male if you did."

I could only nod in response.

"You'd be partially right, Tom. Some people whose minds will never be changed would think exactly that.

But frankly, the vast majority of people simply wouldn't care. Not to be too blunt, Tom, but their world does not revolve around you.

Do you really think Kim or Amanda or Marta or Emily or I think any less of you because you have sex with Jamie?"

"That's different," I protested feebly. "Jamie is a woman."

"A woman who was born with a penis and scrotum. In every other way, the most important being behaviorally and psychologically, she is unquestionably a woman.

You're attracted sexually to Jamie because she is a lovely and desirable woman, not because she has a cock.

I think you are attracted to Jamie for everything she is and in spite of what she has. Her genitalia does not define who she is. She presents to you as a very sexy, very intelligent sexual partner not limited or even defined by her anatomy.

So when it comes right down to it, Jamie and Stephanie are not really so different now, are they? You first saw Stephanie as a sexually attractive woman. That attraction manifested itself before you realized she had a penis. But even after you realized she is a trans woman, you came to like her and respect her because of all her traits.

Let me ask you this: If Stephanie were to have sexual reassignment surgery, would that somehow magically change any of her features and qualities that you have come to respect and like? Would it somehow enhance her sexual attractiveness? Before you answer, Tom, understand that attraction between you and Stephanie is much more than physical or even sexual. It is based on genuine affection and respect. You like Stephanie for the right reasons, Tom. That is unlikely to change whether you ever have sex with her or not.

Remember what I told you when you were in my office and expressing concern over your sexual desire for Jamie? I said 'Don't let her cock come between you'. I'd give you the same advice for your interaction with Stephanie or, frankly Tom, with any other person to whom you may be attracted.

So why are you so concerned that you were aroused by Karla and Kerri? You were aroused by them because they are talented and intelligent and have gorgeous feminine bodies. As a psychologist my question is, With all they've got going for them, why aren't more men be attracted to them? And women, too, for that matter. Like I said, Tom, I know them, and they are both exceptionally nice, articulate, talented, intelligent, and sexy young trans women.

I know you're not turned off by the 'same sex' thing. Kim, Amanda, Jamie, Marta, Emily, and I are all bi, and you've had extremely fulfilling sex with each of us. If you were inhibited by the thought of 'same sex' sex, you would have rejected all of us because we have sex with women and not just men.

Tom, in one of our first sessions I told you that one of the reasons for your situational impotence was you sometimes think too much. I'm not suggesting now, even for a moment, that you should ever rush out and have indiscriminate sex with anyone, man or woman. I don't really think you're capable of doing that. You act decisively but not hastily, incrementally not recklessly.

I'm going to elaborate on my earlier advice. Don't think too much. But I'm also going to add, Don't get hung up on trying to put a precise definition or label on your sexuality. If you seek complete and precise understanding of how you feel, you're going to be very very frustrated. Worse, the pop culture definitions that try to put too keen an edge on the distinction between sexual feelings towards someone will not be understood by anyone. Each person has his or her own definition of terms like pansexual or demisexual or any of the other -sexuals that people try to use to oversimplify human sexual behaviors by categorizing them.

You're always candid with me and the others, Tom. I think you would help yourself if you would be as candid with yourself. So here's the question I'd pose to you, and I don't expect you to answer me. But do answer yourself: Knowing Stephanie as well as you have come to know her, would you have sex with her if she wanted to have sex with you?"

I decided to face facts, so I answered Lorraine out loud and somewhat to my surprise, emphatically. "Yes."

Her eyes softened, and she smiled sincerely. "Good answer. Now, do you know what that makes you?"

I shook my head 'no'.

"It makes you Tom Connors. No one else and nothing else. You are you regardless of the label you or anyone else may try to use to precisely describe your sexuality, not because of that label."

I was genuinely touched as much by Lorraine's personal wisdom as by her professional advice. As I was about to thank her and leave, I suddenly remembered the pussy-cam idea.

"Lorraine, I almost forgot. I've come up with an idea that might help you address the depilation needed to attach the phallus, but it would take a little time and effort on your part."

"Really? Like I said earlier, that's more than an inconvenience for me. Irrational as it sounds, my body hair is an integral part of my sexuality. If you've come up with a way I can keep it and still use the phallus, I'm willing to give it a fair try."

I explained my plan to her. She liked the idea and readily agreed to faithfully use the pussy cam to document the regrowth of her hair. I told her I would first need to discuss it with Jamie. Then I would need to talk with Amanda to discuss any possible modifications to the chemistry of the restorative to make the hair on the overly more durable. And finally, if Jamie's lab couldn't do it, I'd have to find someone to fabricate the overlay.

"I think you'll find that Amanda can be a big help with the overlay," she said. "Some of her urology and OBGYN patients need recurring treatments for various diseases, mostly cancers, that result in loss of body hair. That's what got her and her partner interested at first in the three-part depilatory and restorative that Kim and I use before and after the phallus. Their first effort was pretty much what you're proposing: an overlay made from the patient's own hair. They set that aside when they developed the prescription depilatory, softener-stabilizer, and high-speed regrowth formula."

"Lorraine, I think you said it takes about ten days for the restorative to take you from bare to normal length. Is the regrowth rate pretty linear or does it slow down or speed up as you approach ten days? I'm asking so I can tell Emily about how long she should expect the photo data collection process to take."

Lorraine laughed and said, "Back in your engineer mode again?"

I just smiled, but she became rather serious again.

"You recall it's a three-step, three-solution process.

The first part is to apply the depilating solution topically to my pubic hair. Unlike most depilatory creams, Amanda's does not break down the hair protein so it becomes brittle at the skin line. Instead, hers loosens the hair below the skin line. After it sets for a few minutes, the hair is loosened from beneath the skin line and can be washed away in the shower. Amanda's depilatory does not prevent regrowth, though.

The second solution is applied to the bare skin after the shower to preserve the remainder of the hair component below the skin line. If the second solution is applied daily as prescribed, it keeps the remainder of the hair healthy but suspends regrowth until the user wants growth to resume.

When the user wants the hair to begin growing again, she stops applying the second solution and begins applying the third solution daily after showering. The third solution jump-starts the regrowth and causes the hair to regrow much faster than normal. The user keeps applying the third solution until the hair is reaching normal length. The user then stops using the solution, and the rate of hair growth returns to normal.

My personal experience is that my hair is fully regrown in about ten days. Kim's may be different. That's why Amanda's process is a prescription medication. It has to be tailored for each patient's body."

Lorraine's expression and voice changed.

"It's been about five days since I stopped using the second solution and started applying the third part, the regrowth speeder-upper. Why don't I lock up the office, and we can go back to my bedroom in the house and you can check the progress for yourself?"

She clearly enjoyed the look on my face. She took my hand, went to her office's main entry door from her front porch, and double locked it from inside. Then she led me back down the short corridor and through the door connecting her office to her house. She locked that door behind her as well.

As we walked through her house, she pointed to a side door.

"I hope when you leave today, Tom, I'll be in no condition to see you out. Please lock that door behind you when you leave. If you're even able to walk ..."

Once we were inside her bedroom, she turned her back to me and said, "Please unzip my skirt, Tom."

It dropped to the floor and revealed she was not wearing stockings. Instead, she wore sheer crotchless pantyhose. At that moment I knew that she had dressed not for her earlier clients but for me.

"Now my blouse." She raised her arms so I could lift the sleeveless tank blouse up and off. I tossed it on a nearby chair.

"My bra ..."

I unfastened her bra, and she allowed it to drop to the floor. Now she turned to face me.

Her partially regrown pussy hair was jet black. The regrowth was beyond stubble but still short enough that I could see her dark red, engorged labia lips pouting at me.

"The electric cock feels good on me," she purred, "but what I really need right now is your real one inside me."

As I frantically stripped off my clothes, she moved seductively to her bed. She lay back, then spread her legs and began to finger her clit. Her inner lips immediately began to show the appearance of more wetness.

Now completely naked and with a full erection bobbing in front of me, I stood at the bedside nearest her. Her eyes were locked onto my dark red manhood.

She slowly raised both arms over her head and placed them on the pillow above. The dark, thick hair of her armpits was completely exposed to me.

"Fuck me," she said evenly but in a commanding tone. At the same time she spread her legs slightly to make it easier for me to position myself between them.

I moved in a way that would make her think I was going to obey her command, but at the last second I simply sat on the edge of her bed. I very gently placed my right hand on her mound and began lightly caressing it with my palm.

A shiver of excitement ran through her body with each featherlike movement of my hand.

After a few seconds of my touch, she reached toward me and with a touch as gentle as mine, her hand closed around my erection. Her hand was as soft as anything I've ever felt. Her stroke imitated my caress. The she began using her fingertips skillfully to stimulate the underside of my shaft.

My palm came to a stop just barely grazing her clit and coming to a rest on it. After giving her time to adjust to its touch, I slowly and gently slipped my middle two fingers through her pussy lips and eased them completely inside her. At exactly the same time, her fingers encircled my cock and applied slightly more pressure to it while she slowly and sensuously stroked it.

The effect of our relatively gentle mutual masturbation electrified both of us. Uncontrollably it seemed, we both began to accelerate our hands and intensify our finger pressures on each other.

Lorraine's face tightened and reddened. I felt her cunt muscles tightening involuntarily around my two fingers each time their tips flicked her G-spot. Her body was revealing to me that her ability to hold off her impending orgasm was breaking down.

Finally, her voice now tight and hoarse with sexual tension, exclaimed, "Fuck me! Now, baby! Oh, please please fuck me now!"