A Jock in the Machine Ch. 11

'I told you to stop saying those things!'

That was a shout. A loud one! Tim jumped to his feet immediately and turned around. Behind him, Cassie had retreated to the opposite end of the bed, curled up into a ball with her back against the pillows and her hands covering her ears.

'Cass, wha-'

'No! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!' She clenched her eyes as she tried drowning the sound out. She hadn't even realized Tim had gotten up.

'Cass, hey, come on, what's wro-'

'This!'

He'd managed to get to her at least. But when her eyes shot open, covered once again in tears as he so dreaded seeing them, Tim realized he'd fucked up somewhere along the way. He just wasn't sure where.

'All of this! I didn't want this!' Her eyes darted around the room, trying to look anywhere but at Tim.

'Wha- You don't want this... you mean to fu-'

'No! You! I don't want you like this!' She failed miserably at keeping her eyes off him. Though with that last statement, that hurt even more.

'Wha- what do you mea-'

It wasn't looking like Tim would manage to get even one sentence in.

'Like this! Speaking like that, saying those things! I don't want that!' Cassie drowned him out with her yells. Despite her tears, she wasn't losing any steam. BUt it also meant that due to her yelling, her point wasn't really getting across.

'Wha- Why?'

'Because! Because you sound just like everybody else! I don't want you to become like everyone else!'

'Everyone... else?'

'YES! Eric, and Sam, and everyone else! They all sounded like that! I don't want you to be like them!'

'So, what, when other people say that it's fine?' That was all so stupid. Why wouldn't she just tell him immediately instead of waiting till the last minute to shout it? 'But when I ask you to fuck me, you won't?'

Cassie had just let go of her ears. Just in time to hear those words.

'I told you not to- Yes! Is that so difficult to understand?!'

Before, she had been distressed. But Tim repeating it again even though she'd just asked him not to made sure she was now angry. And unfortunately that meant she wasn't fully in control of the words that were about to come out of her mouth.

'After all, you don't want to fuck me either, do you?'

The hands that had been on their way to cover Cassie's ears in case Tim said the same thing again now hurriedly travelled down to her mouth. But it was too late to stop and take back what she'd just said.

Tim jumped off the bed. He stared directly at Cassie, eyes wide. She could do nothing but return the stare. Her tears had stopped momentarily. She'd just... How could she... She knew what he'd... Tim wanted to shout at her for it, but he couldn't. He wanted to do so many things to let her know just how awfully wrong she was, but he couldn't. Instead, he did the only thing he could do - turned around and left the room. Without a single word.

Tim didn't care anymore. He didn't even slam the door on his way out the room. He collected his stuff from all over the hallway floor. His socks, his jeans, his belt. Walking rapidly down the stairs he somehow managed to dress himself without falling over. There were no steps behind him. Cassie wasn't following. He picked up his shoes from where Cassie had thrown them off earlier, one by the bottom of the stairs and one near the couch. Good. He didn't want her to follow him. Not anymore. All he wanted was to get away. He picked up his coat off the rack. He didn't hesitate a single moment when he turned the knob to open the door...

Cassie laid in bed in the dark. She wasn't crying anymore. There wasn't anything to cry, all the tears she had were spilled. All she could do was lay on her side and hate everything about herself. She hated how stupid she was. She hated how much she'd hurt Tim. How much she'd lied to him. Over and over and over again. She hated how big her mouth was and how little control she had over it. She hated her stupid body and that she couldn't just have been a normal girl. But what she hated the most was how dependent she'd become on Tim, and how she always managed to push him awa-

A warm hand touched Cassie's shoulder. She shut her eyes as hard as she could and clenched her teeth. No... A single tear that had somehow managed to hide escape being shed before now ran down her cheek.

'Cass...' Tim tried gently shaking her to make sure she was awake.

'You shouldn't be here.' Cassie replied in a hushed voice. Damn it.

'I'm exactly where I should be.' Good, she wasn't sleeping. He needed her to hear him out. 'Look, Cass, I'm so-'

Tim felt himself being shoved back. Cassie had completely leapt up from her previous position, pushing Tim back until he was sitting on the bed with his back on the pillows. Before he'd had a chance to recollect himself, Cassie had sat on top of his legs. She stared directly at him. In the almost pitch darkness, he could barely make out her intent-filled eyes. He couldn't even see her lips move, but he definitely could hear her words.

'No. Don't say that. Don't say that you're sorry. Just listen to me, please.'

Her tone was sad, almost pleading. But he wasn't about to interrupt her. Him not listening had led to this whole mess. He wasn't about to repeat that mistake.

'I wasn't going to come after you. Not this time. I was going to let you walk away and live your life happily without me there to ruin things for you.'

She took a deep breath. Tim did as well, involuntarily.

'But you didn't go away. You came back, like you always do. No matter how much I fuck up or hurt you, you still come back and apologize after. But you shouldn't do that! You have nothing to apologize for!'

Tim tried moving his arms to touch her, to try and calm her down somehow. He was immediately answered with Cassie grabbing both his arms by the wrists and holding them in place.

'I, on the other hand, do. And I've said it so many times now that I have a lot to apologize for, but I haven't even done that! So, this is how it is.'

What? How what is?

'I'm sorry.'

Oh.

'I'm sorry for not being honest with you from the very start. I'm sorry that I kept you in the dark while I went and fucked people behind your back.'

He knew that. He knew she was sorry without her having to tell him.

'I'm sorry I get angry at you when you think you're not good enough even though it's my fault you think that because I don't know how to show you how much you mean to me.'

But this wasn't about him knowing any of it. Him knowing didn't help anyone.

'I'm sorry that I was too scared to trust you with the truth even when everyone told me to do so.'

This was about her saying it, and hearing herself say it. Tim understood that perfectly. After all, he'd needed the same thing when her mom had come to his room the previous day.

'I'm sorry that I make you worry when I start crying. I'm sorry that I didn't realize that I was being lied to because I heard your voice.'

But this wasn't like the talk he'd had with Lara. That one was him needing to shout at himself for being stupid and letting things slip through his fingers.

'I'm sorry that I have this stupid body that you have to go through and do so many weird things for. I'm sorry that at the smallest issue I immediately try to push you away even though you've told me that's not what you want.'

This was her pouring her heart out for all to see and hear. And everybody that mattered was intently seeing and hearing everything.

'And I'm sorry that you're always chasing after me and trying your best to make things work between us while I do nothing about it. It's not you that isn't good enough. It's me.'

That wasn't true. Tim wanted to let her know that immediately. But he couldn't. She'd told him to listen, and he'd listen through all of it until he was certain she was done.

'But most of all, I'm sorry that I can't even do anything unless you start it first. Hell, I've only ever said that I love you as a response to you saying it. So, no matter what you do or say after all this, I'm going to change at least that.'

Cassie's hands gripped Tim's even harder. She bit her lip. She couldn't say it. She wanted to, dear God, she really did. But she was afraid she'd just be manipulating him again.

'I love you.' There. She'd said it. If she hadn't, she worried Tim might take the opportunity away from her. She was now ready for whatever happened next.

'I love you, too.'

The grip on Tim's wrists loosened. He saw Cassie coming in closer. He thought it would be for a kiss, but he was wrong. Cassie collapsed on top of him, her head coming to rest on his chest.

'I don't deserve you.' came a low, hushed voice, muffled by his T-shirt.

'Maybe not, but you're stuck with me.' Tim replied, wrapping one of his arms around her waist.

Cassie giggled. She actually giggled. After all that, the last thing she expected to do was giggle. But Tim had once again managed to lift her spirits. She still didn't know what he saw in her. But she was going to make damn sure she lived up to it.

The two lay as they were for a long time. Neither of them moved. Neither of them spoke. Everything that needed to be said had been said. Everything that needed to be done had been done. It was now just the two of them. And nothing else mattered. Except one thing, actually...

'Tim?'

'Yeah?'

'Isn't it getting really late, shouldn't you be heading home?'

'Already called my mom to tell her I'm sleeping over. So you really are stuck with me.'

Damn it. She giggled again.

'Sleeping over, huh?'

'Well, I can think of a few other things we could do...'

Cassie turned up to face him. In the dark he could barely make out the faint smile on her lips.'

'Maybe not tonight. Sorry.' She sighed. 'But I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow!'

'Oh? How so?'

'I just remembered something else that we haven't done since we started over.' Cassie bit her lip. She knew just how silly she was about to sound. 'So, if you don't mind, want to go out on a date tomorrow?'

This time, it was Tim's turn to chuckle. She really did sound silly.

'Sure, Cass. I'd love to.'