A Million to One

I squeezed her hand for support, and she continued.

"I confessed to him what happened. He was upset and ran out of my house, leaving me in tears."

Markie shouted, "Why didn't you forgive her? She was obviously taken advantage of."

"Markie, wait. He did forgive me. A few days later, he came over and said that he forgave me for putting myself in that situation and for what happened as a result."

I took over, "I loved her so much, Markie. I thought I could forgive her for a one-time thing that may not even have been her fault. Oh, it wasn't easy. It took a couple of days of soul searching and some good advice from my parents to do it. Would I be happier with her or without her? Even though I took her back, I still struggled with it."

I nodded for Billie to continue.

"Everything settled, but because we had rough goings, we didn't make love that whole week, and then he went back to school. Before you get snarky, yes we were making love, but we had waited until we were adults to do it."

Markie gave her a shrug of the shoulders and said, "Well, I guess if you had waited until you married Mark, I wouldn't have been born."

I laughed as Billie was about to retort. I cut her off and said, "Yes, maybe. But your father did have sex with your mom, the result would've still been the same. Being at that party is what brought you into the world sweetie. Not your mom and I having already had relations."

I nodded to Billie and she continued.

"Weeks later I realized that I missed my period, so I did a pregnancy test. It was positive and I was pregnant with you. I was so happy about it. I knew that we were too young and it was seriously life-changing, but I had a life growing within me and I always wanted to be a mother.

The only thing that made me nervous was telling my parents and Mark. I decided to wait until he came home for Christmas to tell everyone. It hadn't occurred to me that I hadn't made love with Mark since Labor Day, and we always used condoms.

I wasn't on birth control because it made me sick and instead of finding one that was okay for me, I decided to just not deal with it at the time. Mark was away at college anyway, so I didn't really need it."

Markie said, "Kinda dumb, Mom."

Billie smiled and said, "Watch it. Making that dumb decision brought you into the world."

Markie didn't know how to react to what she was hearing. I could see the conflicting emotions in her face. She looked like she felt bad for her mom, but it's how she came to be born. Rough thoughts, for a young mind.

Billie continued, "So, I went to the doctor and when we started talking about the last time I had a period, I lost it. I knew then that it couldn't be Mark's. I knew I'd had a period in October."

She started crying again and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Mark."

I didn't know what to say, so I just held her hand and let her calm down. By this point, Markie had switched seats and was holding her mom's other hand.

"Telling my parents that I was pregnant and it wasn't Mark's was the worst moment of my life. They didn't exactly call me a slut, but it was implied.

Then I had to tell Mark the bad news. When his mom opened the door, she knew right away that something was wrong.

She pulled me into a hug and asked me what was wrong. I crying and couldn't speak, so she called Mark. He led me into the living room and hugged me for what felt like hours. I felt so safe in his arms, then he asked me what was wrong.

I told him that I was pregnant. Everyone seemed happy about it. Mark was going on and on about getting married, his mom was looking for the phone to congratulate my parents and his dad complained about being him too young and handsome to be a grandpa, but hoped for a grandson anyway.

It was too much, I snapped. I shouted that it wasn't Mark's baby. The room stopped. It was like time stood still. Mark's mom broke down into tears. His dad left to get a drink. Mark let me go and stood up. After what felt like hours, but was only moments, he told me to get out and never come back."

I took over and said, "I couldn't handle it. I forgave her for the party fiasco, but her getting pregnant from it was too much for my young mind to take. I never asked her to do an abortion. I knew she would resent me for it, so it was never an option."

Markie said, "I appreciate that."

I nodded and continued, "Anyway, I turned and left the room. I didn't speak to her again until a couple of years later, right before you moved to Detroit.

When my mom told me that she had the baby and named you Markie, I lost it again. I felt disrespected instead of honored. I left a not so nice voicemail for your mom and never made an effort to reach out to her."

Billie continued, "I married your father shortly after telling him I was pregnant. He fought it a bit, but your grandpa had a chat with him and scared him into accepting his responsibility. Your father and I were never in love. We knew it, but we did what we had to do.

I really think he was planning on going to Detroit without us and divorcing me until I told him that I was pregnant with Jimmy. He was mad but accepted it and we all moved when he got his promotion. He ended up happy he was having a son.

After a few years, love still never grew. We were cordial, we didn't fight too much, but we were basically roommates. After several years, he found someone else to love and marry, and we came home to start over."

"Did dad know that our names were because of Mark?"

"God no. Your dad's middle name is James so that was easy. He liked and agreed with Markie because he knew of some hot actress from the '80s that had the name."

Markie asked, "So, you spoke to each other before we moved to Detroit and that was the last time?"

I said, "Yes. I had just gotten married and your grandparents were at my parents' house when I went for a visit one day. They were still friends with my parents and to be honest, I still loved them very much and was happy to see them. They told me that your mom was moving and I should say goodbye. I had gotten over my anger with your mom at that point and had moved on with my new wife who was also pregnant, so I figured what the hell.

I met her at a Starbucks, you were actually there and we talked. You were very young and very adorable."

Markie interrupted saying, "Still am."

"Yes, you are. Anyway, while we sipped our scalding hot Latte's, we caught up on things and kept the conversation light. She told me that you were moving and that she was pregnant again. I wished her well and I meant it. As we were leaving, your mom hugged me and told me that she would love me forever. I said, me too. That was the last time we spoke, until your mom walked off that moving truck."

"That's such a sad story," Markie said. "But why can't you get together now. I can see that you love each other. Mom clearly hopes beyond hope for it, heck she didn't even own blue underwear until we moved back here. I still can't figure that one out."

"The underwear thing stemmed from a comment I made on a special night," I said. "When we finally turned 18, she had on that color lingerie the first time we made love. She was so beautiful, I told her that color looked so hot on her she should never change."

"I didn't think that you would've remembered that," Billie said shyly.

"I remember every moment of that night."

"Aww," Markie said. "And now she wears it for you and you don't even know it. That's so cute."

"Okay, that's enough talk of that night and your mother's underwear," I said. "As to why we can't be together, I don't really consider that we can't. As I said, it's complicated. There are underlying hurdles that are in my own head. I mean it when I say that I love your mom. If I could get past the stop signs in my mind, it might work out someday. To be honest, I don't think about dating anyone at all because I don't have time. Being a single parent is tough."

Billie nodded and said, "His boys are like Jimmy. You're older and more mature. You're pretty self-sufficient, but ten-year-old boys are a different matter altogether."

I jumped in and said, "I do have a bet to square up. Can we make our date for tomorrow night?"

Markie clapped her hands, jumped up and shrieked, "Yeet!"

*********

As Markie was rounding up Jimmy to head home, Billie said, "My kids love you, you know."

"I know," I answered.

"If they are your hurdles, I'm sorry..."

I cut her off and said, "I love your kids, too. It's not that I don't or can't love them. I really do."

It was the moment of truth. Should I crush her spirit and tell her what my issue was? In hindsight, it was such a stupid thing.

I hesitated, I thought about it again, like I had so many times before, if I could get out of my own head we could live happily ever after. One more time I had to think about it and now I was going to tell her why I couldn't be with her even though I did love her.

I was so stupid, I loved her desperately. I said it anyway.

"Billie, the issue is that every time I see them, I can't help but think that they should have been mine. It breaks my heart that they aren't. Especially Markie. Every time I see her, I get sad. I made a mistake letting you go, but if I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have my boys. I can't reconcile my love for my boys, with my mistake in letting you go sometimes and it hurts."

She was crying and I pulled her into a hug.

"I could've stayed with you and raised Markie as my own if that's what you wanted. I was too small and immature of a man to make that wonderful young lady, MY baby girl, and it breaks my heart that I was so foolish. Such wasted years."

I didn't realize Markie heard what I said.

"Mr. Mark?"

We broke apart in shock at Markie being behind us.

"Markie, I..." I couldn't get out the words.

She hugged me and said, "Since the day you showed up at our door to help us move in, I wished you were my dad. You were so kind to us. You paid attention to us. You seemed like you cared about us."

I hugged her tightly.

"My sperm donor isn't half the father to us that you already are and we love you for that. Please give my mom a chance."

All of a sudden she pushed me back and said with a tear-streaked smile, "I promise if you get married, I'll call you Dad."

We all laughed and called an end to the emotional roller coaster ride for that night.

*********

The next morning, I was getting ready to make breakfast for the boys, when I got a text from Billie.

"Don't eat. We're coming over."

"Okay." I sent in reply, curious as to what was going on.

Billie isn't usually spontaneous and after the crazy night of emotional fireworks we had the previous night with Markie, I figured she'd be needing a small break from us. At least until our date that evening.

I still couldn't believe we were going to go on a date. I wrestled with my feelings all night and I finally came to the conclusion that I should man up, so to speak, and make another go at a relationship with her.

I know she hadn't dated since she came back, two-years-ago. Neither had I. It's been much longer than that for me, but it was what it was. Was she waiting for me? I think that's a clear yes, but was I waiting for her?

I really enjoyed our friendship. I'm willing to concede that my love for her is deeper than friendship, though maybe it's more familial than romantic, and I'd need to be careful and not screw it up by trying to date again.

I knew that it was me that was holding back, and the love I felt from Markie when she told me that she wished I was her dad, should have been the mental butt-kicking I needed to get my head and heart wired back together again.

The doorbell rang and no matter how well trained I thought my kids were, they still always ran to the door. They swung it open and hurricane Jimmy swept into the house, followed by Billie and Markie, who were carrying some covered aluminum trays.

"What's all this," I asked as they brushed past me into my kitchen.

"Breakfast, Mr. Mark," Markie said as if I were stupid for asking.

Billie said, "Markie wanted French toast and said that we should have you guys over, then - well, it escalated. We have French toast, scrambled eggs, sausage and we figured we'd add some of the fresh fruit you've always got around here and make a sauce. That's why we brought it over. I didn't have enough fruit."

"Wonderful, thank you," I said as I gave them hugs. Billie surprised me by kissing me on the lips. A small peck, but nice nonetheless.

I grabbed some bananas, raspberries, and strawberries and said, "Here, Markie. Do you want to slice?"

She lit up and said, "Yeah, but will you help me cook it?"

"Sure, sweetie."

I warmed up a skillet, had her add the cut fruit, and I gave her some sugar to sprinkle over it while the fruit broke down in the hot pan.

Billie took a picture of us, with Markie at the stove and me behind her with my left hand on her shoulder. I was looking over her right shoulder almost cheek to cheek and I was showing her how to flip the food in the pan just like they do on tv. My boys always get a kick out of it.

Markie looked so happy in that photo and to this day it's still one of my favorite pictures.

After the ten-year-old piranhas made their way through the fabulous meal, Markie took them out to the pool for a dip.

Billie and I cleaned up and I made another pot of coffee. She hadn't said much but before we went to join the kids, she stopped me and said, "Markie and I talked last night."

"Everything good?" I asked.

"She was freaked out her being the reason you and I couldn't be a couple. She didn't quite understand the nuance of the issue is within you and not about her."

"I felt awful about her hearing that conversation. I never wanted to tell you that, and I certainly didn't want her to know."

"She'll be okay. This whole thing this morning was her idea. It seems to me like she is trying to show you that we can be a family."

"We do things together all of the time."

"Today was different. Especially when you worked on the fruit together. She really enjoyed that."

"So did I," I said. "Let's go make sure the typhoon triplets haven't drowned her yet."

I sat on the deck sipping coffee and enjoying the beautiful morning and the company of Billie and her family. So much had changed in the last 24 hours, and I was struggling to adjust. I felt like that breakfast was the moment we went from friends to family. Time would tell.

Everything in our dynamic changed, and it was only because I said out loud what I felt. Billie and I already knew we loved each other. We also knew that I was what was holding us back. All it took was the butting in of a young lady to get my head out of my butt.

"So did you ground her?" I asked.

Billie laughed and said, "Nope. How can I ground her for getting you to go on a date with me? Granted, I would've preferred something more subtle, but I think it did the job."

"Yeah, she definitely used a machete as a letter opener, but I'm really glad she did."

I reached for her hand and kissed it. She smiled and said, "So where are you taking me tonight?"

"It's a work night so nothing too crazy, but there's a new sex club over on Lake street I thought we could check out."

"You jerk," she said laughing. "Seriously. I need to know how to dress."

"Well, I was thinking that the last time we dated, we were broke kids."

She smiled and agreed.

"I wanted to take you somewhere on the nicer side. Nothing crazy, just Wildfire."

"Okay. I've never been there."

"I love their lamb chops."

"Lamb chops, Mark? Wow. Your tastes have refined."

"We go there for company dinners sometimes. My boss turned me onto them."

"Oh, this isn't where you take all of your dates?"

"I haven't dated in a while," I said quietly.

"Really? What a couple of months?"

"Years, actually."

"Mark! Why not? Surely you've had interested women out there."

"Yeah. But no one I really clicked with enough to go out with. I'm kind of picky, I guess."

"Picky? You're good looking, make good money, and are a great guy. There's got to be plenty of choices."

I screwed up again and said something stupid. "Well, the first two times I fell in love, it didn't work out that great for me."

She gave me an indescribable look and said, "Excuse me, I've got some things to do at home. The kids can stay if that's okay with you."

I knew I screwed up and couldn't think of anything to say, so I said, "Of course."

She left without saying goodbye. I can be a real idiot sometimes.

*********

I texted Billie and let her know I was bringing the kids home and she replied, "OK." I don't know if I expected more or not but it bummed me out. I felt that she was still not happy with me.

I walked the kids home and didn't see Billie waiting for us like she'd done so many times over the last two years. It's funny that until Markie pointed it out to me, I never noticed that it was a thing - and now I missed it.

Jimmy gave me a fist bump and Markie gave me a hug at the door. Before going inside Markie said, "I love you, Mr. Mark," then dashed in before I could respond.

She'd never said anything like that before and I figured it was more of her full-court press on me. It did make me happy.

I stood there at their door for a moment. I was trying to decide whether or not to talk with Billie when she took the decision out of my hands.

"Did you need something, Mark?" She asked with a frosty tone.

"Yeah," I said. "I want to apologize for what I said before. I didn't mean for it to come out like a passive-aggressive attack on you."

She sighed and stepped outside.

"I'll walk you home."

She walked down her steps as I followed. She didn't seem to be waiting for me to catch up so I jogged a couple of steps to catch her.

"Mark, if we start to date again, are you going to hold the ghosts of the past over me?"

Frustrated, I said, "I'd like to think that I won't, but I don't think that we can pretend it didn't happen either."

I stopped walking and said, "Listen, Billie. I'm the one making the leap here. Okay, maybe pushed over the cliff by Markie is more correct, but nonetheless, the risk is mine. The hurt is mine. You're obviously ready, willing, and able to jump into a romantic relationship with me, but it's a new development for me. You may have to put up with some things I say that you're not comfortable with. Can you do that?"

"You're wrong in a very important detail, Mark. I hurt too. Yes, it's my fault, but that doesn't mean it hurts me less. I lost you, and there is a lot of pain that goes along with that, even if it's self-inflicted. You have to understand that I feel for you exactly the same way I did 14 years ago. I never stopped. You fell in love with your ex-wife after me, I never fell in love with my ex-husband."

She turned away from me and started walking again. I thought that we were getting a little heavy with our conversation, and hadn't even made it to our date yet. I grabbed her arm and turned her to me.

As her face turned, I took her chin in my hand and kissed her. Soft and chaste, but it had the desired effect.

She smiled at me and we continued the rest of the way hand in hand.

As we walked up to my front steps I said, "So we're still on for tonight?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," she said and bounced down the steps to go home.

*********

I knocked on her screen door and walked into her house with the boys and they ran off like a shot to Jimmy's room. Billie's mom greeted me in the living room and said that she's not ready yet. "Never met a woman who was ever on time for a date," I said.

We made small talk and I could tell she was just a bit too happy that Billie and I were going out. She told me years ago how it broke her heart that we split up. My response at that time was "Me too," which made her sadder.