A New Kind of Love

"I would hope so; I'm the only one who sleeps in it." I laughed then got in next to her. I snuggled in behind her and wrapped my arm around her stomach. She sighed loudly, and seductively, as I pulled her back against my chest. She leaned her head back against my shoulder and it felt so right to have her with me at that moment.

"Are you really the only one who sleeps here?" She asked in a tone that I hadn't noticed before. She sounded sort of jealous or suspicious.

"Not anymore apparently." I told her kissing her exposed neck. She sighed in a disappointed manner and I realized she wanted a better answer. "I'm not seeing anyone else. You have nothing to worry about."

She seemed much happier with that answer and held my arms tightly around her. Soon we were both sleeping soundly again. I spent the remainder of the night with my face buried in her hair. I could smell her gentle fragrance and it was more comforting than I could ever describe or put into words. Several times she would scoot closer to me and those times I would hug her tighter and burry myself further in her neck. I even kissed her neck a few times when she woke me. I couldn't help myself.

I woke up late the next afternoon and much to my surprise my bed was empty. I knew Lauryn was in my house somewhere but I was hurt by the fact that I was alone. She had left me alone. I had taken such care of her, in so many ways, and she had just left me alone. I was sad because of it, and kind of pissed. At that moment I wondered what the hell I had been thinking. I hadn't been thinking, I had been feeling. I had let myself have feelings for her and now there I was alone in my bed. And it was no one's fault but my own.

I crept out of my bed and made my way down the hallway. I started making all sorts of excuses for her in my head. Maybe she was in the bathroom. Maybe she was looking around. Maybe she got hungry. Maybe... I walked silently to the top of the stair case and I saw Lauryn pacing around the living with just the shirt on that I had let her borrow. She didn't hear me so I watched her for a moment silently.

"Come on Lauryn, what are you thinking? What are you doing?" Lauryn mumbled to herself as she walked back and forth. "Come on... That was crazy... Think about it..."

"Think about what Lauryn?" I asked from the top of the stairs. My arms were folded across the banister and I leaned over a bit so I could see her better. Her face was shocked for a split second but then she had a genuine smile.

"Nothing, I was just talking to myself. Are you going to come down here or do I have to go up there for a kiss?" Lauryn smiled and walked to the base of the stairs. I was torn between bitching at her and running down the stairs to see her. I decided to do neither. I decided to just feel out the situation and find out what she was thinking. I walked down the stairs slowly and met Lauryn at the base of the stairs. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug.

"So what are you up to down here?" I asked with a pointed look. "I was surprised when I was all alone."

"I... I...Can we sit?" Lauryn grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch. She sat at one end and I sat a few feet away from her. She looked like she would've preferred if I would've sat closer. "I want to be honest with you, Frankie; I came down here to clear my head a little bit. When you were holding me I couldn't really think straight...Last night, I... " She hung her head down in her hands and I instantly felt bad for her. She had told me in the beginning that she wasn't a lesbian and I hadn't listened. I had forced myself into her life. I had made her like me and she was confused as a result.

"Last night was a mistake. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. " I grabbed her hand and kissed it gently. "I shouldn't have forced you to come out with me in the beginning. The dates and then yesterday was all too much. I shouldn't have ..."

"No, it wasn't your fault. I really did want to go out with you. I only regret leaving you this morning. And about last night, I just really like you and I wanted to give you what I thought you wanted, even though I wasn't ready, and that scared me. This is just a lot for me to deal with but please don't try to push me away or anything. I'll try to be better."

I reached out and grabbed her swiftly. She fit into my arms as though she belonged there, as though she was made just to be held by me. "I'm sorry baby. You're doing fine don't worry." I whispered into her ear as I held her tight against me. I held the back of her neck and I had one arm secured around her waist. I don't know how long I held her there but it seemed like an eternity, a fabulous eternity. Eventually Lauryn leaned back and looked at me with loving eyes.

"So what are the plans for today?" She sat back into my lap and smiled with a childlike expression. Everything was fixed in her eyes. I leaned forward and kissed her lips gently, just because I felt like it.

"Today is up to you." I told her as I placed my hands on her hips. It was nice to just touch her in these small and inconsequential ways.

"I want to spend the day in your bed..."

"Lauryn, you aren't ready and we both..."

"Gosh, would you let me finish?" She laughed then she hit my shoulder playfully. "I was going to say I wanted to spend the day in your bed watching movies. I saw you have a bit of a collection so I figured we could relax and watch some. I'm a bit tired of walking after yesterday."

I agreed and that's how we spent the day.

Lauryn and I continued our relationship for a good deal of time with no sex. I kept myself in line most of the time but there were times when things would get a bit hot and she would stop me. I never became angry or upset by that. But as time moved on I noticed that it was taking Lauryn longer and longer to stop me. In the beginning she would stop me if our kissing became too wild. If I would lean her back against the couch or press her against the kitchen counter to kiss her she would stop me after a few moments. But then she didn't stop my kissing, she would stop my touching. I would trail a hand across her ribs or her hips and she would stop me. Then that was alright too and the issue was kissing her neck. I couldn't do that, she wasn't ready and it tempted her too much. I understood this and soon I was stopping myself from getting too far. I knew the next step in her protestation would be me reaching her clothes and I didn't want to be tugging on her shirt just to have her begging me to stop. So by the end of the 4th month, I was working on my self-control more than anything.

One night I invited her back to my place to hang out. It was a Friday night so I assumed she would spend the night. She parked her car in my drive way and walked into the house. I was in the kitchen plating some Chinese food I had ordered for us when she entered. She sauntered up into the kitchen and gave me a sweet kiss.

"Hey there." She said in her cute little voice.

"Hey babe. How are you?" I asked her as I continued getting the food ready. She pulled herself up onto the counter and stared playfully.

"I'm good, honey. I missed you today while I was at work. It seemed like the day would never end. " she crossed her legs and sat back as though she was seated in a proper chair.

"I already told you that you should quit." I slapped her thigh as I reminded her. I don't know how many times I had told her to quit her job at her father's company. She hated the long hours and demanding clientele but she loved her father. She tried so hard to please him and she loved spending time with him, her mom was a different story but she was daddy's little girl. He praised her work ethic and rewarded her by giving her more work which tired her out more than she would ever admit.

"I can't quit, you know that." Lauryn leaned forward and pulled a piece of chicken off my plate. Then she continued talking. "Besides who's going to pay for all my pretty little outfits that you like so much."

I knew Lauryn was joking but deep down I also knew that was part of the issue. She couldn't quit. Her dad's company managed hundreds of huge corporations and that meant that Lauryn made a great deal of money. I was incredibly lucky that I loved my job so much... It was at that moment that I realized a solution to her problem; well at least I thought so.

"What if you worked for me?" I asked as I walked over to her. I stood in front of her legs and she opened them so I could get closer to her. I stepped between her widespread legs and she rewarded me by hooking her ankles around my hips.

"Very funny, Frankie." Lauryn laughed and put her arms around my shoulders. She loved to hold me and be close to me.

"I'm serious. I make tons of money personally and my shop is not only a multi-million dollar business but it is also international. I have cars shipped here from all over the world. If you managed it you could make enough to quit your job." I told her enthusiastically. I was completely exhilarated until I saw the look on her face. She didn't look so excited.

"Frankie,..." She said my name admonishingly. It was like I was a child and my fantasies were becoming too big to ignore and they had to be shot down. So like any wise adult she was about to bring me right back to reality. "Baby, I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of step. I mean, I know we are doing great but what if something happens? What if you realize that you don't want to wait around for me? I'll be out of a job and I'll be out a girlfriend. I just don't know."

"I won't stop wanting to wait for you. But I understand." I told her honestly as I grabbed her hips and pulled her close for a kiss. I added a kiss to her cheek just for the hell of it, and then I walked away from her, pushing her legs off of my waist. I handed her her plate and I walked with mine to the living room. The tension in the air was palpable. It was almost like a fog that seemed to fill the house. Neither of us really knew what to say.

I was always trying to take steps to move our relationship to the next level and Lauryn was never 'ready' for anything. I offered her a drawer at my house, when I noticed she just kept using her purse as a mini suitcase, but of course Lauryn declined. I offered her a key to my place, after she ended up waiting at my door step for over 40 minutes while I was running late at work, once again Lauryn declined. I bought her a necklace that I was in a little jewelry store but Lauryn couldn't accept it. She said it was too expensive although she knew I could buy much more without worrying about money. So the necklace sat in my safe in its little box, the spare key was sitting on the kitchen counter where I had left it, and the drawer I cleared for her remained empty. What Lauryn didn't know was that every time I tried, and she denied me, I would cry just as soon as the door was shut behind her. I was at my wits end. I didn't know how to make her a part of my life and worse off, it seemed that she didn't want me to.

I picked at my food, having lost my appetite. What had begun as a quiet and pleasant meal had ended up being an awkward mess. I was on one end of the couch and Lauryn was on the other. I placed my plate in the empty space between us and I pulled my legs up to my chest. For some reason my eyes traveled to the portrait of my mother over the mantel. I was seated in a similar position as the drawing. I don't know why that made me sad, well sadder. I wished she could've met Lauryn. Hell, I wished she could've met me. My dad had done a good job with me but as a child many a night I could stay up and cry, wishing she could comfort me. But I hadn't done that in years and suddenly as I looked at the portrait, I myself had made, I felt that urge to cry. And to make matters worse I no longer even had my father to comfort me. I was so blatantly alone in the world. I did have my cars though. My bright shiny huge chunks of metal that were, at the end of the day, inconsequential. A car couldn't hug me, or comfort me or cuddle with me at night when I got lonely. I was completely and utterly alone and Lauryn had no desire to change that in anyway.

"Is everything okay?" Lauryn asked, gently bringing me out of my trance. It was like I had almost forgotten she was there. I looked over at her for a moment and remained silent. I watched the concern in her face as she waited for a response. I wasn't sure I had one. Was I okay? Probably not. I was like a fish trying to swim up Niagara Falls. I knew there was no chance in hell I would actually get where I wanted to be. I wanted a happily ever after with Lauryn but how could I when she didn't want ANYTHING with me.

I sighed and chuckled sarcastically. "Peachy." I told her without even bothering to fake a smile.

My eyes gazed back at the drawing. I didn't cry, I honestly think I was out of tears. I had been so lost about my relationship with Lauryn that I had no tears left to shed for my dead parents. THAT was depressing in and of itself. I heard Lauryn placing the dishes on the coffee table in the middle of the living room. Then I felt her slide next to me, her gentle hand caressing my leg that I was holding on to for dear life. I had my knees to my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs, my chin on the top of my knees.

"What are you thinking, baby?" Lauryn's hands trailed up and down my shin. I didn't really want to talk so I just shrugged. "You've got to let me in Frankie." Lauryn's voice was only a whisper but it enraged me. I had to let HER in. SHE was the one keeping ME out. I stood from the couch and walked towards the fireplace. I rested my head against the cold stones on the mantle as I tried to clear my head.

I was going to yell at her, yell everything I felt inside, so I turned on my heels and walked towards her again but then I changed my mind. How could I pressure her into wanting me, again? As cliché as it sounds, I wanted her to want me; to want to be with me. I returned to the mantle only to turn around one more time. I had to tell her how I felt. It wasn't fair to leave her in the dark.

"I'm not keeping you out, Lauryn; I'm trying desperately to let you in. I don't know how else to 'let you in' than actually giving you a key INTO my house, into my life, but you didn't want it. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know how else to try." I turned back to the mantle and tapped my fingers against it for a moment. Never in my life, until that moment, had I ever under how people could speak of silence as deafening but it certainly was right about then. I turned and walked over to Lauryn, placing a kiss on her forehead. "I'm sorry for ruining dinner."

And with that I walked out of the living room and up the stairs to my bedroom. I placed my hands on the edge of my bed and closed my eyes, trying to think of my next step; my next with Lauryn, my next step with life in general. I was treading water and it seemed like I was sinking fast. I needed something to save me and I had to find it. I needed something...

I suddenly felt a pair of hands on my hips pulling me backwards. I knew Lauryn's touch. Her graceful hands were embedded into my memory. I had their touch memorized. Just then, it felt like she was saving me; pulling me out of a swift current that was sure to drown me. At that moment I had to tell her how I felt and why I was so lost.

"I'm in love with you." I whispered as I kept my back turned to her. I couldn't look at her face, into her eyes. I was horrified of what I knew would be there; fear, uncertainty, shock, insecurity. But honestly I was more afraid of what I thought would NOT be there; LOVE. Again there was silence. "I'm sorry about all of this."

But this time I had nowhere to walk off to. I was already as far as I could get. Two feet from my bed and I couldn't move an inch. There was silence again but Lauryn's hands were still at my hips. I was torturing myself, and her for that matter, but I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. Lauryn took a step forward and her grip on my hips tightened. Her body pressed against my back and her hands wrapped around my stomach. Her head neared the back of my neck and I could feel her warm breath on my shoulder, causing me to shiver. Then she did the one thing I hadn't expected.

She leaned close to my ear and hugged my body tightly to hers. "I love you too." She told me gently.

Her lips kissed at my neck and I let my head fall back on her. I was lost and she had just said the one thing that brought me back to the path I had been searching for. Nothing mattered. Jewelry, keys, drawers, nothing mattered. I had her heart and she had mine, that's all there was and that's all I needed. With my head on her shoulder she kissed at my cheek and neck over and over. "I'll take your key if that's what you need to believe I'm really in this. But I want you to know a necklace or a drawer or a house key isn't why I love you and it certainly couldn't make me love you more than I already do. I think about you all the time and I don't need something around my neck or hanging on my keychain to remind me of what we have. I love you more than anything, nothing can change that."

I knew I wouldn't shed any tears, I couldn't bring myself to. I had wanted her to say those things since the first moment I saw her. I knew I loved her on the very first date that I practically kidnapped her to. She was perfect in every sense of the word and she was perfect for me.

"I'm going to grab our food and we can finish eating in here." Lauryn kissed my neck once more and then her calming and tempting touch was gone. She returned a few seconds later juggling both our plates, two glasses, and a bottle of wine. How she was doing it, I have no idea. She pretty much looked like one of those circus clowns who balance fragile glass and sharp objects. She placed the food and drinks on the bedside table then grabbed my hand and dragged me into bed. When she noticed that I didn't seem like I was in a much better mood she pushed me back onto the mattress and jumped onto me. Her fingers went to my sides and tickled me without mercy. "Come on. You totally need to lighten up."

I flipped her over and pinned her down. I didn't tickle her, I didn't do anything. I just kept her down with my body, then after simply staring into her eyes for a moment, I jumped off of the bed and headed over to my closet. Lauryn was mumbling something about 'where the hell did I go' but I ignored her and journeyed to the back of my walk-in closet. In the bottom corner tucked away was my safe. I spun the dial, hitting the appropriate numbers and the door clicked open. I rummaged around like an idiot; shuffling papers, dropping jewelry, scattering the neatly stacked bills I had had so particularly placed. I finally found what I had been looking for in the very back under a stack of my important personal documents. A wide black velvet box with gold trim had been my goal and I had found it. I clutched my prize tightly in my hand. I walked back out to the bedroom and sat silently next to Lauryn as I stared at the box.

"I'm not asking you for a lot. I'm not trying to pressure you into more than you can deal with. I'm not... I'm not trying to make you do anything. I just think that since I love you I should be able to give you things, small things like this. It made me think of you in the store and it reminded me of looking into your eyes and how I feel when I do. I bought this to show you I was thinking of you, not to spoil you or try to impress you." I held the box towards her and waited for her to take it. "I don't expect you to wear it all the time or on special occasions. I don't expect you to treat this any different than any other piece of jewelry." Lauryn finally took the box from me and just held it in her hands, playing with the golden edges. It looked like she wanted to open it but she simply refused to do so.