A Royal Pain

The Commandant handed Ren the keys and asked if he might do the driving.

"Be good fellows and get a ride with the others if you would, eh?"

As soon as Ren pulled out of his driveway the Commandant exploded.

"What the bloody fucking hell have you done now, you miserable misbegotten son of a mudhen?"

"Uncle Bob, I can explain," he drove slowly and by the time they reached HQ he had finished his story.

"And the girl will definitely corroborate your version of events?"

"Absolutely, you remember Corporal Semple? It's his sister and she is as straight a shooter as he is."

"Oh shit, what the hell is going on?" Ren asked rhetorically.

The same two news trucks that had been at the auditorium were now in front of police HQ.

"They couldn't possibly be here for you lad, could they?"

"I don't see how they could have found out about it, must be something else," Ren speculated.

They parked in the Commandant's reserved space then got out and started toward the side door.

A rather shrill voice called out demanding to know, "Why isn't that man in irons?"

Startled they both turned and saw Princess Cordelia making her stately way toward them. When she planted herself in front of them, they both bowed and said politely, "Your Royal Highness."

"Well Commandant White, I believe I asked you a question. Why is this creature walking around free? He is a dangerous pervert that I mean to see locked up for the rest of his life," she was laying it on thick for the TV crews but Ren suspected she had personal reasons for this circus as well.

"Princess Cordelia, the law states that only persons who have been charged with a felony are to be placed in restraints. Mr. Davidson has not been charged with any crime as yet."

"Well do it now then, charge him with sodomy and rape. I demand it."

"Yes, Your Royal Majesty, are you going to be the one bringing formal charges then?" White asked her.

"I don't know what that means but if I have to sign a paper then I will," she replied haughtily.

"It means that you have to have some evidence of wrongdoing Princess Cordelia," Ren explained.

"Oh, I have evidence, believe me," she told him.

"The gossip of two young girls is not very convincing evidence Your Highness," he said smiling.

"You must have left marks on her body from your brutal assault, I'll wager."

"What are we betting Princess Cordelia?" he asked challenging her. "The young lady said that her lovely bottom has fully recovered from the spanking she asked me to give her."

"I know you used your belt on her, for a solid half hour, that kind of beating leaves marks," she answered him with a glare.

"Once again you have your facts wrong Princess. I admit, I did use my belt on her. To tie her wrists together, again, as she wanted me to do."

"Do you deny that you had anal sex with that poor unfortunate woman," she asked triumphantly.

"Of course not, the reason we had anal sex was because she is not on birth control and we had no condom. The spanking and being restrained had excited her to great heights, but even in the throes of passion we applied reason. We both saw anal intercourse as an acceptable solution to our lust. I might add, we were quite pleased, in the end."

One of the reporters giggled and several people in the small crowd laughed out loud.

The princess was losing her temper and muttered, "Anthony was right, he is a slippery bastard."

It wasn't supposed to be loud enough for anyone to hear but Ren could read lips.

"Anthony? Anthony Crowell? So that's what this is all about Your Royal Highness, isn't it?"

He beckoned a reporter to come closer.

"Princess Cordelia is not seeking justice for a what did she say? Ah, yes, a poor unfortunate woman. This is about punishment, my punishment. I was fairly chosen as project manager for the new industrial complex the government is putting up.

The Princesses boyfriend, one Anthony Crowell, thought he should have been given that position. Thank god he was not, but sour grapes and all that you know," he had the bit between his teeth and wasn't stopping now.

Commandant White tried to pull him away, but Ren shook his arm off.

"Well Princess, do you have anything to say or are you at a loss for words for a change?"

"You are an insufferable, odious, little man, how dare you insult your Princess," she spluttered.

"How have I insulted you, Your Royal Highness? Have I said anything that is not true? Have you caught me uttering a falsehood? I think I will bid you a fond adieu and go get drunk with some commoners." He bowed and turned away from her.

"Don't you turn your back on me, I have not dismissed you from my presence," she screeched at him.

He stopped but did not turn around saying, "Of course Your Royal Highness," then bending deeply at the waist, he asked, "May I withdraw Princess Cordelia?"

It was the final straw for her, she screamed at the four Royal Guardsmen always in attendance to her, "Throw that man in the dungeon. He is to be charged with treason."

The four approached him and asked politely if he would accompany them. He came nearly to attention and barked, "At your command Lieutenant Danvers."

The four boxed him in and Lt. Danvers shouted, "About Face, Forward March."

As the little procession passed the Princess she smirked and said, "I'll make these charges stick, just see if I don't."

They searched him thoroughly, handing him an orange jumpsuit, they gave him back his jacket and his books but made him give up his belt, keys, wallet, watch and boot laces.

All the guards knew him and had given him two extra blankets and the luxury of a roll of toilet paper. He sat on his bunk reading until they brought dinner around. He suspected it was the same food the guards got, not what the other prisoners ate.

As he lay in the dark, he heard two prisoners whispering. He couldn't make out all of it and wasn't really interested until he heard one of them say something about, of course the princess had to die. That got his attention and he moved to the bars to hear more.

It seemed the men were political prisoners that were due to be released in a week. They were part of a plot by a small group of men to disrupt the monarchy and get the next person in line after Cordelia crowned king. Supposedly this man was sympathetic to the Cause.

After kidnapping Princess Cordelia, they would collect the ransom and kill her. They would then murder her mother, Queen Sylvia.

The two men finished their discussion and went to sleep. Ren lay in the dark wondering how he was going to do something about this plot.

When his breakfast was delivered, he was handed a newspaper. The guard said, "Well, now I know why you got sent to us, Captain."

Ren frowned and opened the newspaper. There on the front page was a picture of a man bending over. He chuckled when he realized it was his picture. He laughed out loud at the caption for the picture: A Royal Salute. To be fair, the picture in the newspaper and, he found out later, on social media, sure made it look like he was mooning the princess.

A few hours later he had resigned himself to calling a guard over and trying to convince him that the things he had heard were true.

He heard footsteps coming closer and stood to intercept the guard. Instead it was his former Sergeant Major. He stopped three feet from the bars and putting his hands on his hips barked, "Well, you've really stepped on your dick this time eh, Lieutenant?"

"That's Captain and you know it, you miserable sod," Ren replied smiling broadly.

"After seeing that scene on live TV of you two lovebirds outside police HQ yesterday, I can see why she threw you down here. I can also see that the charges won't stick. The part of the Treason Act she is using has fallen out of use for over a hundred years. Disrespect is not against the law anymore."

"Thanks for the opinion Ducky, you're still the best jailhouse lawyer I ever saw." Ren motioned the other man closer and whispered, "We have a bigger problem than me, Ducky. Last night I heard" he started, ending with "and that's all I know," he concluded.

Ducky let out a low whistle and said, "So, who do you want me to tell?"

"I was thinking Colonel Clark,"

"Our old Regimental Commander? Yeah sure, he's number two in Intelligence now. He would be the place to start, hell they might even know about this already."

"Better safe than sorry," Ren said firmly.

"After what she just did to you, you still want to keep her alive?"

"Of course I do, she is my Princess and one day she will be my Queen."

"To paraphrase WC Fields, 'anyone who hates dogs and princesses can't be all bad'," Ducky joked.

"You better get out of here Ducky, thank you."

"Doing my duty, Cap. I got a lot of friends that work here, I'll get word to you."

Word came late that afternoon in the form of three guards that searched him, put cuffs on him and led him out of the dungeon.

Ren had been in the palace on numerous occasions and was somewhat concerned that they were headed in the direction of the Queen's audience chamber. Soon enough the little procession halted in the anteroom of Her Majesty's private chamber. They removed his cuffs, saluted a man sitting in a swivel chair with his back to them, and left the room.

A cloud of cigar smoke rose into the air and the man said, "Hello Renville, please be so kind as to start at the beginning and repeat every single word you heard. Just that, we will go over interpretations and nuances later."

Ren did as the man had asked. When he was finished another huge cloud of smoke rose into the air. The chair slowly swung around until the man was facing Ren.

"Seriousness, intent, commitment to this act, dedication to the cause in general," the man spoke softly.

Most people would make him out to be a kindly man, until you looked into his eyes. That's when you realized that he was perhaps the most intense, focused, driven man that existed.

They cussed and discussed every nuance of the information they had for the next two hours. At the end of it they looked at each other and shrugged.

"That the information, and therefore the plot, are real I have no doubt. What to do about it is another matter entirely. Any final thoughts before we go in to inform Queen Sylvia?"

"I think we need more intel, the only way I can see to obtain it is to put me back in my cell. I'll get close to the plotters and find out more, or at the least, I can be released at the same time as them. Maybe they will lead me to a meeting place, or more coconspirators, something." Ren had proposed his plan then waited for Colonel Clark to run things through his head.

"The first thing that comes to mind of course, is that you are under arrest. The second is, you are a civilian now, you would have no police or military authority whatsoever. Third, this may be a group of extremely dangerous people, I would hate to lose my Godson to them."

Ren smiled and walked around the table and hugged his Godfather.

"Let's see if the Queen has any insights, she's supposed to be pretty sharp."

Colonel Clark looked surprised, "You've never met her?"

Ren shook his head no.

"She and your father had a pretty serious fling when they were young,"

"Why have I never heard about it?" Ren asked.

The Colonel shrugged and said, "Your dad and I went off to Gulf 1 and she met someone else. Your dad met your mom soon after we got back and the rest, as they say, is history."

He picked up a phone with no dial and told whoever answered that they were ready. A herald came in the room, gave them a small bow and led them to a door. He knocked and was told to enter, he opened the door and ushered them inside. The door closed after them.

The Queen was sitting at a very ornate, delicate looking desk rummaging through a dispatch box. They both bowed and said, "Your Majesty."

She rose and came to greet them. She kissed the Colonel on the cheek then turned to look at Ren. She finally held out her hand and said, "You look remarkably like your father. I'm sure you hear that constantly, forgive me."

She guided them to a sofa and chairs and they all sat down. "Well, first some personal business, I have reviewed the news footage of your debacle with my daughter yesterday. There will be no charges brought, it is not illegal to insult a Royal any longer. Hasn't been for over a century. My daughter is a strong willed, arrogant, impertinent, self-centered little monster. What she needs instead of a shouting match like you gave her, is a spanking like you delivered to Miss Semple.

Oh, don't look so surprised gentlemen. I had a nice long conversation with the young lady earlier. If I am ever going to get Cordelia to take her responsibilities seriously, I may have to call you in, Renville."

Ren, somewhat in shock said, "It would be an honor and a privilege Your Majesty."

The Queen laughed delightedly saying, "Is it quite all right for me to call you Renville? Your father absolutely loathed it when I called him Renville, which I did all the time, yet he saddled you with the same name."

"Yes, Your Majesty, I prefer Ren myself, but you can certainly call me whatever you like. The reason for the name is because of a clause in my father's family inheritance. A spinster aunt four generations ago provided most of the family fortune. Her last name was Renville, we keep receiving the income from the trust as long as the firstborn of every generation is named Renville."

"Well, that explains that custom, strange what we do for family, isn't it?" she commented.

"Sophia, here's what we know and what young Ren proposes we do about it. It began with Ren overhearing" he then told her everything, concluding with "so if we are going to follow that course, we need to get him back in his cell soon."

"You are willing to do this for my daughter?"

Uncomfortably Ren explained, "Not for your daughter per se, but for the monarchy, the rightful succession of its rulers."

She smiled and said, "We don't always love the Queen, but we certainly seem to love the idea of having a Queen."

She continued thoughtfully, "So, three things occurred to me, the first is moot, you are not being charged, second you are hereby given a temporary commission as Captain, on the successful completion of this mission, a promotion to Major, then retirement again. One last thing do not get yourself killed, I could not bear another Davidson dying for this family. Go with God, Ren."

Ren stood and bowed, "I'll certainly try not to get killed Your Majesty."

He exited the room and found the guards waiting for him. They were nearly at the cells when Ren told the senior guard, "When we get to the cell, take the cuffs off and throw me onto my bunk hard. Make some comment about respecting your betters, like the princess."

The guard grinned and nodded saying, "How about a fake working over."

"Even better, thanks."

They roughly threw him into the cell, the largest guard followed him in telling the others, "Why don't you fellows take a smoke break. I'd like a quiet word with our friend here."

"Sure Sarge, I could use a smoke and a coffee," said one guard.

The other guard sneered, saying, "Call us if you need us to help talk to him."

The sergeant hauled Ren to his feet and softly whispered, "Gut." Then slammed a very realistic looking fist into Ren's stomach and said, "Perhaps you need to learn a little respect."

"What, for you, you mean?" Ren asked coughing.

"Not for me you maggot, for your betters," he shouted hitting him in the stomach again, holding Ren as he slipped to the floor.

"That over privileged cow is no better than anyone else," Ren moaned loudly.

The guard brought his knee up and hit Ren in the chest, from the side it would look like it had connected to his chin and Ren flopped onto his back. "That is Princess Cordelia to you, you miserable turd."

With that he kicked Ren in the stomach, rolled him over and took the cuffs off. He slammed the cell door closed after himself and told Ren, "Thanks, I needed a little workout. I think I'll let the other lads get a bit of exercise tomorrow. Sleep well, traitor."

Ren laid on the floor for a few minutes then groaning, got up and eased himself down on the bed.

After lights out a soft voice called to him, "Psst, hey are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm good. That bastard does pack a mean punch though."

He heard a quiet chuckle then, "So no broken bones then?"

"Nah, still in fighting trim."

"I'm Micky, my mate in the cell next to me is Jerry. We saw the picture in the paper this morning. We wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in your dislike for a certain member of Royalty."

Ren replied hotly, "Oh, I don't dislike her, I hate the bitch. She tried to ruin me. They have no legal right to hold me, but here I am, taking a beating because of that entitled cunt."

"I hear confession is good for the soul, why don't you tell us your true feelings, mate?" Jerry called softly.

The other two men laughed, Ren told them, "That's pretty much it, she wronged me and there is no way for a guy like me to pay her back."

"Well, there might be a way," Micky started to say.

Jerry interrupted him quickly with, "Quiet now Micky, let's discuss this among ourselves for a minute."

Micky said, "You're right of course, we'll be back with you in a bit."

Their whispered conversation was too soft for him to make out more than a word here and there.

"What's your name buddy?"

Ren contemplated giving a false name but, in the end, realized he was too well known to carry off a false name. "Renville, call me Ren."

"When are they going to let you out, Ren?"

"My solicitor said late tomorrow or the next day. The Chief Justice has to explain to our beloved Princess that they are letting me go."

Jerry grunted and said, "I don't envy him that job."

"We are getting out in four days. Are you serious about getting revenge?" asked Micky.

Ren said fervently, "You bet I am, maybe on her mother too."

"I think I can put you in touch with some like-minded people, if you want," Micky offered.

"Look, revenge is a personal thing, I can take my time and plan it out. I don't want to visit this place again."

Jerry said, "I can understand that, the thing is, the Princess may not be around for much longer, if you get my drift."

Ren whistled softly, "So you guys are going to murder the princess?"

"No, no," Mike exclaimed, "we are going to kidnap her and use the ransom money to lobby for changes in the system."

"I could see myself as being part of that plan," Ren said thoughtfully.

Jerry asked, "Good, how do we get in touch after we're out of here?"

"I think I will still be watched for a while after they let me go. It will maybe be easier for me to ditch my tail and come to you." Ren explained.

"Good thinking, you are a natural at this cloak and dagger stuff. Can you remember an address?" Micky asked him.

"Sure, if it's not too long."

Micky assured him it was not, "137 Front St."

"One of the warehouses on the waterfront?" he asked.

"Yup, go around the back and knock three times, wait, then two more."

"What am I going to find when the door opens?" Ren wondered.

Jerry chuckled and said, "Most likely Rita. Don't piss her off. Tell whoever answers, "freedom for all'."

"OK, I'm in, on one condition. When we grab the Princess, I get to be one of her guards," Ren stated.

The two other men laughed and told him they were honored to have him serve.

At breakfast he whispered to a guard, "Tell the Colonel I need to talk."

Before lunch the Sergeant that had given him his beating opened his cell and called out, "On your feet maggot, we decided to take you to the gym for today's workout."

They took him to the same room, he shook Col. Clark's hand then related his conversation verbatim. He sat down and poured a cup of coffee while he waited for the Colonel to process.