After the End Ch. 11

"Is your hesitation about Dr. Naresh himself, or about the possible effect on your reputation and children?"

Gavin sighed and didn't respond for a while.

"I appreciate you going out of your way to try to make this work, Delta," he said finally. "But I don't think it's feasible right now for me to gamble my family's stability. Not when the kids are too young to understand, and on someone I've hardly interacted with. You've given me a lot to think about, though."

I released a sigh of my own. I'd known there was a thirty percent chance he'd come to that conclusion, but it was still disappointing.

"You'll let me know if you change your mind?"

"Sure."

He laid a hand at the back of my neck and gave me an affectionate squeeze, his Nordic eyes reading deeper than I was used to being read. For a moment, I wanted him to kiss me. I loved my husband with my whole heart, but his energy was very different from someone like Gavin, or from my first partner, Sala. Avery couldn't stabilize me, encompass me, like someone older and more mature could.

But even a kiss was beyond the scope of my marriage, so we both let the impulse pass, and Gavin released me.

"You're a good man yourself, you know," he told me. "You deserve the happiness you've found with Avery. Maybe someday things will work out for me too."

"I truly hope it's sooner than someday."

I went back to check on Avery after that. He wanted to stay out drinking with his friends, whereas I'd socialized as much as was tolerable for me, so I left him to it. I walked back to our room, the sounds of merrymaking slowly fading. I lay against the pillows and paged through Avery's book for a while, re-reading passages and staring at the gull shapes that had been so familiar in my past life, until their echoing cries finally lulled me to sleep.

No matter how quiet Avery tried to be when he came in late, I always woke anyway. Decades of conditioning to beware intruders left me permanently attuned to any sounds of entry. Soon his bare body made contact with mine under the covers.

I shifted to my back so he could lie with me, unexpectedly grateful for his return. I hadn't realized how empty the bed seemed without him.

"Your fingers are freezing," I murmured when one icy hand landed on my chest.

He pulled his arm back. "Yeah, sorry. We were outside."

"Here." I corralled both his chilled extremities and held them against my flesh until the heat transferred.

"That's so nice," he sighed. His wavy locks brushed my neck. "You're nice." The alcohol made his speech a bit clumsy and lowered the threshold for his censor.

"You have a good time?"

"Great time. Really great."

Not surprising, since Avery never had as much fun with me as he did with his friends.

"But this is still the best part," he added. "When I come home, and you're here."

"I'm glad you're here too," I replied, a little too emphatically. I figured he would go to sleep then, but he kept talking.

"How did your matchmaking go?" I'd told him of my plans before we went to the feast, so he wouldn't accidentally tip Vik off.

"Unsuccessful. I don't think Gavin's uninterested in the concept, but he doesn't want to make changes to his family situation."

"That's too bad. I thought they'd be really good together."

"So did I." Maybe I'd put too much pressure on him to come out. I should have stuck to talking up Vik instead of guilting Gavin.

There was nothing but silent breathing for a couple of minutes. I tried to find equilibrium so I could fall back asleep, but every strand of thought I followed seemed to unravel at the end.

"Julian?"

I shook free of the threads. "Hmm?"

"Are you...ok?"

"Yeah," I said, though he could probably hear my heart pick up speed. "Why?"

Avery's fingers stroked the valley between my pecs. "You seemed...kind of sad, earlier. And now."

I caressed my own hand against his shoulder blade and didn't say anything. I didn't know how to explain without worrying him, and I didn't know how to reassure him without lying. And truthfully, I didn't really understand how I'd ended up in this despondent nest of torn hopes and memories, when I'd been fine this afternoon.

"You can talk to me," he murmured. "If I did something, or if it's -- about Vik, or Gavin, you can tell me."

His uncharacteristically observant concern was only widening the gulf between how I felt and how I thought I should feel. Between where I'd been in years past and where I'd expected to be at this point and where I actually was. It felt like my nest was being carried out to sea.

"It's not you, or them." Saltwater washed in and soured my gut. "Sometimes holidays are just sad."

He nodded against my shoulder. "Yeah. I get that." He kept stroking my chest while the waves lapped inside. "I'm sorry."

I held him a little tighter and wished my circulatory system wasn't giving me away. Wished this holiday didn't dredge up everything from wartime ghosts to crushed childhood expectations to my fury at the inexcusable scarcity on a planet that used to be teeming with natural wealth. Plus every one of my personal failings.

"Can I do anything?" Avery offered when I didn't speak. His tone and touch were so soft, much more difficult to resist than force would have been.

I shook my head briefly. "I'm sure it'll be better tomorrow," I managed.

"It's ok for you to be sad," he told me gently. "You know that?"

I didn't really think it was. My rib cage tightened, and I took a deep inhale to try to loosen it.

"It is," he whispered, answering the question for me. His hand moved to my jaw, and his thumb brushed my cheek. "I know you have a lot of stuff, just like I do. You don't have to hide it from me."

I waited a few breaths before I tried speaking, though my voice had no volume. "I wanted you to have a happy Christmas."

"I did, babe," Avery said. "And I still am, because I'm with you." He traced my cheek again. "It doesn't mean you have to feel happy."

I swallowed more seawater and focused on keeping my head above the waves.

"You sure you don't want to talk?" he asked.

I nodded. I wouldn't know where to start, and I might never finish, and that wasn't how I wanted to spend my night.

He stroked my hair then, with devastating tenderness. "Go to sleep, Julian," he told me quietly. "I'll still be here. I promise."

For a few moments, I was sure I was going to fall apart. He'd never reversed the ritual before. But I just let him caress my head until I could breathe, and he stayed awake until sleep took me. And I didn't think I'd ever loved him more.