After the End Ch. 12

"Have we concluded the surprise portion of the evening?" I asked with a shade of self-deprecating humor. "I'm not sure I can handle any more."

"Yep, that's it," Avery smiled, squeezing my hand. "All that's left is birthday sex."

"What did you...have in mind?" I asked, glancing from him to Julian for a clue. With my tastes, any number of alarming activities could qualify as birthday sex.

Julian perceived my anxiety and gave me a reassuring smile of his own. "We thought we'd keep it low key, especially after the ordeal we put you through this week. We know you prefer not to make decisions, but we're happy to let you take charge or make any requests, if you'd like."

Their generosity set off my own miniature shame-spiral. What I mainly wanted right now was to be in the dark, where my complicated and too-often contradictory emotions couldn't be scrutinized.

"Could we just...get into bed first? And turn out the light?" I requested, nerves still fluttering in my gut.

"Of course," Julian replied.

When protective darkness had fallen and we'd stripped to our trunks, they offered me the middle, in honor of the occasion. I climbed in and tentatively approached Julian. He wasn't normally as physically demonstrative as his partner, but at this moment, it was his stable presence and strong embrace that I needed.

He seemed to understand when I turned my back and prompted his arm to come around me. He obliged willingly enough, holding me from behind against the solid musculature of his sculpted form. He kissed the back of my neck before resting his head against mine, and I nestled in tight, feeling like a child seeking solace after a nightmare. Briefly I imagined snuggling into Gavin's sturdy arms instead, and another thrill punched my belly. At this point, the prospect was as petrifying as it was alluring.

"You're ok," Julian murmured in response to my uncharacteristic pre-sex clinginess and the tension he could surely feel in my body. "I apologize if we put too much pressure on you. I know the prospect of seeing someone new also affects your relationship with us, so I don't want you to feel we're trying to end things with you. We can talk through anything you want."

I released a slow breath, but the dread was only increasing. "No, I'm sorry. I don't know...why I'm reacting like this."

"It's alright," he soothed. "We're here for you."

"Thank you," I whispered.

I sheltered in Julian's embrace for a while, just breathing and absorbing the comforting press of his skin. Avery lay nearby, adding his warmth beneath the bedspread. I tried to clear my mind, to give my sympathetic nervous system a chance to reset, but the fight-or-flight hormones kept circling. I'd never been here without having sex, and I didn't really think that was within the terms of our agreement. Yet arousal might as well have been on the other side of the moon, for all I could access it.

Eventually, I'd been quiet long enough that Julian spoke again. "Vik, if something else is bothering you, you can tell us. And if it's about our relationship, it's necessary that you do."

I took one more breath for courage. "I was hoping to avoid bringing this up tonight. But...I think you're right."

"Ok. If something isn't working, you know we need to know."

My throat had gone dry; I swallowed loudly in the dark. "It's -- it is working. For me." My voice was faltering and very low. "Maybe...too well. And I absolutely want to see how it goes with Gavin. But it could take a while to find out. So in the meantime, I don't want to...cause any harm. Between the three of us."

Still entwined around my body, Julian asked quietly, "What have you done that could cause harm?"

"Nothing," I was quick to answer. "It's..." I folded my hands to try to hide the trembling. If only willpower were effective against biological processes that evolved long before humans did. "It's what I feel."

"Ok," he said again, unruffled. "What do you feel?"

He waited, but I couldn't make myself say it. Avery hadn't spoken a word since we lay down, and I was terrified of what he would think of me.

"We're not going to be upset with you based on how you feel, Vik," Julian told me. "Emotions are involuntary. And this situation does lend itself to...strong feelings. So please, talk to us. We'll figure it out."

It was still mortifying, but I had to trust him.

"It had always been fine, before," I explained haltingly. "I was used to...compartmentalizing my interest. But lately, I feel...too much. More than what we agreed to. I love what we do together, and I don't want to lose it. But it isn't...all I want, anymore. Even though I've always known it's all I can have."

There was a short silence. "You feel too much for Avery? Or for both of us?"

"Mainly...Avery..." I whispered, the guilt like a brick behind my navel.

The object of my inappropriate affection broke the longer silence that fell behind my confession. "I didn't know, Julian."

"It's ok," he replied, his soothing tones probably intended for both of us. "It's no one's fault, and there's nothing wrong with feeling that way. We're still within the boundaries of our terms. So thank you for telling me, Vik."

"I'm sorry," I whispered anyway. "I've really tried...not to. Feel this way." Julian was still holding me, and Avery wasn't sending me away, but I couldn't stop shaking.

He pulled me tighter to his torso and spoke even more gently. "Vik, hey. I'm sure this is difficult for you, but try to calm down. You haven't done anything wrong," he reiterated. "I'm not upset. Are you upset, Avery?"

"Um...no," he said over the pounding of my heart, but his voice held something that I feared was betrayal.

"You don't have to say that, if you are," Julian told him.

"Well you just said I wasn't allowed to be upset."

"I meant that we wouldn't blame Vik for something he can't control. But whatever emotions you have about this are ok."

I waited in agony for him to pronounce my judgment.

"I don't know," he said finally. "I guess...like, how long...?" He trailed off. "I just wish I knew that, before I spent the night with him." The implication that I was unsafe to be alone with stung deep.

He was addressing Julian and not me, but I answered, too shaken up for anything but a whisper. "I didn't think it was a problem, Avery, until that night. We'd been playing some intense games the past few weeks, and you were really getting into it, and I thought it was just that. It's emotional, to let someone manipulate you to such a degree. Which I'm sure you know, but you've only ever done it with your husband. So you didn't have to try to separate the roles."

The pause was far too lengthy, but at last he said, "Yeah. I guess I can see that."

"Why don't we remind ourselves what our agreement actually is," Julian suggested. "Vik -- first two terms?"

I'd had them all memorized since Julian gave them to me back in September. "I will not attempt a romantic relationship with either of you that would interfere with your marriage. And no sexual contact between me and either of you, unless all three of us have consented."

"Correct. And no one is doing either of those things, right? Avery, he hasn't tried to overstep your relationship with me?"

"No," Avery confirmed.

"And you haven't had sexual contact outside of the times we've all consented?"

"No," he said again.

"Are you planning to break either of those terms, Vik?"

"Of course not," I replied, horrified. "I would never try to come between you; I said that the first day I brought this up."

"Ok. So I think there are a couple of things for us to consider," Julian said. "The main one is that the terms don't forbid romantic feelings or even relationships. The stipulation is that our involvement with you not jeopardize our marriage. Theoretically, it is possible for a committed, romantic partnership to incorporate more than two people, if all parties agree to the arrangement."

It was quiet for a moment before his voice resumed behind me. "At this point, I don't think either of us is interested in expanding our marriage that way. I, at least, am not. I care about you, Vik, and we've grown close over the past months, but I don't have those feelings for you."

I nodded; I knew as much. Julian was a cagey one, but I thought I'd be able to tell if he were ever being cagey about me. That just left me waiting for Avery to spurn me.

He did it softly. "I don't either. I just...I only love Julian. But I really like you as a person, Vik. And I'm really sorry if I...hurt you. I never meant to."

"I know." It was nothing but a wisp of breath.

"Can I still hold your hand?" he asked.

Instead of answering, I reached for him, and he found my fingers.

"With that being established," Julian resumed, "We need to decide how to move forward." My stomach dropped out again, but he was still keeping me safe in his arms. I didn't know how I could have gotten through this conversation otherwise.

"Vik, as long as you're committed to protecting our marriage, and since you've informed us, which was the correct thing to do -- the only person who's potentially being harmed right now is you. I think all of us know what it's like to experience unrequited desire...one of the more painful human experiences. Since it's new, I'm hoping you haven't suffered too much."

He tightened his hug briefly, as if knowing that my nerves had turned to nausea. "But we wouldn't want to keep adding to your pain. So that leaves a number of questions. Would it be to your benefit to cut this off? Or would that be worse? How does the timing with Gavin play into it? And for Avery, what kind of interaction would you be comfortable with, if Vik wants to stay with us?"

I waited to give Avery a chance to speak, but he didn't.

"I don't want to stop seeing you. Both of you," I added, since English pronouns don't differentiate between singular and plural in the second person. "That would be...worse." I took a shaky breath. "If I start seeing Gavin and have someone else to be intimate with, that will probably help me feel less...attached, here. Maybe we recalibrate the intensity. But I would still like to come over once a week or so, at least until I know where things are going with Gavin."

Julian responded first. "I wouldn't have any concerns with that plan. We can always revisit the issue, if needed."

The anxiety loosened its hold slightly, but Avery's opinion would be final.

"Avery? What are your thoughts?" Julian prompted.

"I don't -- I'm not worried anything will happen... I just don't want it to be weird, like I'm...taking advantage of you or something, Vik. Because if I do something, like kiss you, or say things during sex games, or...I don't know, smile at you... It won't mean the same to me that it does to you."

It was better that this was out in the open. I didn't think it would hurt as much, after.

I found my voice again. "That's probably always been the case, to a degree. It's an inherently unequal relationship, when you and Julian are approaching from a place where most or all of your physical and emotional needs are already met, whereas I haven't experienced that since I left Houston. It's part of the bargain for me, and it doesn't cost more than I gain from being part of your lives."

I went on bravely when no one else spoke. "But the calculus is different from your side, of course. So I don't want you to feel you're being taking advantage of. I would never try to...steal anything from you, that you hadn't offered."

"Yeah, no, I don't -- feel like you would," he affirmed with candid ease, and at last the nausea abated.

Julian rubbed my arm reassuringly, and another silence stretched, but a peaceful one.

"Good," he concluded. "Do we have other concerns, or anything else we'd like to talk about?"

"I don't think I do," I said.

"Um, just, if there's anything I can do to...not make it harder," Avery replied in turn, then he caught the potential double entendre. "I mean more difficult."

With the fear of losing Avery's trust gone, apparently that was all it took to rouse my libido. Nothing in the world made me harder than their teasing, and suddenly I was ready for it.

"I think, now that I'm not trying to deal with it on my own and not worrying about losing this, it'll be less difficult. If I need anything specific, I'll let you know." I gathered my nerve for the next part. "As far as making it hard...I really hope you still will. Make me hard. And harder."

Avery laughed in surprise. "Wow, you just went there." After a moment he added, "You did say I was the worst cock-tease you've ever met. Would be a shame to waste my talents."

Yes...this was what I wanted to feel on my birthday. That tingle of excitement, desire leavened by dread of the erotic suffering I craved, spiced with the uncertainty that accompanied not being in charge. My shaft filling out and already yearning for that delirious edge where too-much meets not-quite-enough.

"It definitely would," I affirmed.

"Any interest in birthday bondage?" Julian interjected in a misleadingly casual tone.

My cock let me know immediately that it had an interest. "I -- I could be persuaded..."

"Perhaps while wearing the plug?" he went on. His arms still cradled me, but the suggestion swept fire through my pelvis. I hadn't undergone that combination since Darius, and the memories still sizzled.

"Al-alright..." I agreed unsteadily.

"I want his arms up when he's tied, then," Avery requested next. "You have to see how his cock twitches when he's plugged and being tickled."

Oh god. What was I letting myself in for?

"Better have his legs apart too, then," Julian said. "More places to tickle, and he might want something besides a plug inside him, before long."

I wanted to come this very instant, just imagining it. Yet the delicious agony of waiting would make the finish far sweeter. I shivered against Julian's body.

He gave me an affectionate squeeze. "You ok? Is this what you want?"

I didn't need to give it a second thought. "Yes and yes."

"Thank you for being willing to talk about this. As ever, we admire your courage."

"And as ever, by admire, we also mean are turned on by," Avery piped up.

So much weight had lifted, now that he was joking with me again. I released the last of it with my next exhale.

"Would you like me to run the session?" Julian asked from the pillow beside my head.

I nodded. That would probably be easiest under the current circumstances.

"Shall I switch the lamp on and get the rope, then?"

I hesitated only a moment. "Yes."

He waited until I was sitting up with him before reaching behind us to the bedside table. The dim electric glow illuminated Avery's face in front of me, resurfacing some of the shimmering marine emotions. It took an effort, but I didn't hide while his vivid, unguarded eyes studied me.

"We're...ok?" I had to check. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm fine if you are."

"I... I will be."

He moved closer and offered a hug that I gratefully accepted. "I'm glad," he said when he released me. "Because I think it's about time we got some more use out of that handy frame Julian built."

Which is how I ended up nearly straining every muscle I had, while the pair of them unearthed a volcano-force orgasm from the center of my immobile limbs.

Two nights later, we were all seated with Gavin around a square table in the home he shared with Madelyn and their two children, a short walk from the fort's main gate. One of the original buildings surviving from when this area had been a government-protected forest, it had been converted into a residence when our community settled here. A crackling fire blazed on the hearth, and steaming mugs of herbal tea added a faint wholesome aroma to the tang of wood smoke. Julian sat on my left and Avery across from me, chivalrously serving as buffers between my fragile heart and the man I was here to see.

I had to keep reminding myself that this was real and not one of the fantasies I spun in the lonely dark when I couldn't fall asleep. Despite living among this same self-contained group of people our entire lives, Gavin and I had never shared more than the occasional brief interaction. I knew almost everyone due to my medical role, and I'd seen both of his children as patients, but that was the case with most parents. We were a bit too far apart in age to have run in the same circles growing up. Professionally, I didn't have much reason to converse with an engineer, though we attended the same community planning meetings most months.

He'd always been notable due to his height, and over the years I'd admired him from afar, catching snatches of conversation and sometimes trading a few words. I'd always been drawn to his quiet gravitas, as I'd noted to Julian; he seemed like a person with an unshakeable knowledge of who he was and what he wanted from life. Even after finding out that his sexuality had changed, or his understanding of it had changed, I could still see the way he'd adapted to it, accepting it as part of his identify while remaining committed to his family.

Now Gavin was sitting only a few feet from me, as ruggedly handsome and discreetly intelligent as in my fantasies, with the same blond hair falling to his shoulders. His flannel shirt was rolled to the elbows, revealing impressive forearms and suggesting they'd recently been hard at work. His curious, sea-grey eyes glanced at me often, with a mixture of appraisal and respect that kept my pulse elevated and my stomach turning somersaults. Whether this night ended in success or disaster or some confusing lukewarm fizzle, it felt perilously momentous.

"I hope you'll forgive the long delay in issuing an invite," he directed at me with welcoming ease. "I haven't been quite as brave as you all about my interest in men. Delta here had to talk some sense into me." Julian hadn't previously shared his real name with Gavin, although he had given me permission to, if it made things less complicated.

"Not at all," I replied while the others traded effortless smiles. "I wasn't even aware I was waiting for anyone. And our mutual friends have kept me well occupied in the interim."

As soon as I said it, I cringed internally. Why was I bringing up sex in the first two minutes? Terrible nerves, that's why. Thank god my buffers were there to bail me out. I sipped my tea and let them steer the conversation in a more reasonable direction.

Madelyn came in to chat with us for a few minutes before retiring upstairs where the kids were bedded down. She'd provided the dried roots and leaves for tea from her extensive garden. Even though she and Gavin were no longer romantically involved, they seemed to have developed a very functional system for giving each other space with partners. And potential partners.

Greatly assisted by Avery and Julian, who had nothing at stake and had already been friends with Gavin for years, our talk flowed through various topics: work, family, comparing notes on major events in the community's history. Gradually I got a feel for his style, and for how to talk about myself without feeling I was on trial. I couldn't help noticing that despite my anxiety, Gavin seemed interested in what I had to say. He asked thoughtful questions, and though he wasn't a particularly expressive man, he seemed pleased with my responses.

"Last summer, Marley, Parker, and I paddled all the way up to where that old bridge used to cross the creek," Gavin was saying later, after we'd finished our mugs. "How are you with a canoe, Vik?"

I smiled as though I didn't get self-conscious every time the attention fell on me. "I have to say it's been a while, but I used to go canoeing with my sisters when we were younger."

"The kids have been asking about getting out on the water, now that it's nearly spring. They can't get enough of it, but I try only to take them in weather we can comfortably survive, should we capsize or get stranded." He turned another of those reflective, inquisitive Nordic looks on me. "Maybe you'd like to join us sometime."