After the End Ch. 12

The vision unfolded as quickly as he spoke: Gavin in the stern, me in the bow, the two kids in the middle; all of us gliding along the creek, watching the spring sunshine flash on the water and the ducks chase each other among the rushes. Parker and Marley calling out excitedly when they spotted a turtle sunning itself or a bright flower blooming on the banks. Skimming our hands along the surface of the water and laughing when a young body moved too quickly and set us all off balance. Gavin smiling fondly at them, and at me. A scene so warmly domestic it woke an ache in my heart.

I met his gaze with what I hoped wasn't an overly familiar frankness. "I tend not to stray too far from the fort, in case of an emergency. But if we could stay within a few miles, I would love to."

"Not a problem at all. We often go out just for a couple hours in the evening, when the days are longer."

Avery filled the silence when I couldn't come up with a reply, telling a story about a rock climbing venture he and Julian had joined. Gavin got up periodically to tend the fire and refill our mugs, and his astute eyes held mine when he caught me watching. There was something unexpectedly masculine about the way his long, straight hair framed his face. Masculinity from an older era, maybe, before puritanical respectability overtook wilder and more human patterns.

Julian seemed to know exactly when I no longer needed their services. At the next lull, he pushed back a little from the table.

"Avery and I will probably say goodnight before it gets too late. Please pass our appreciation to Madelyn for her hospitality." The two of them got to their feet, and Gavin and I joined them.

"I will," Gavin promised, then he turned to me. "Would you like to stay for another cup of tea? I'd be happy to walk you home later."

Such a simple offer, yet the unexplored possibilities through that gateway made me as hopeful as I'd been in a very long time.

"Yes, I would. Thank you," I answered.

"Show us out, Vik?" Julian suggested, and once they'd taken leave of our host, I followed them to the front porch.

As soon as we were outside, Avery turned to me with barely-suppressed excitement.

"You gonna invite him back to your place?" he asked with a suggestive edge, thankfully keeping his voice down.

There didn't seem to be a reason to conceal my interest from these two, who had seen me at my most vulnerable many times. Still, the prospect brought some heat to my face.

"Would that be...too forward of me, do you think?"

"Too forward?" he echoed mockingly. "Why do you think we, that is he" -- he nudged Julian -- "set you up? Don't you want to have sex with him?"

"Avery..." I protested weakly.

He pressed on regardless. "What? Don't you? You were giving him bedroom eyes."

Now I was embarrassed. "I was not."

"I think I know what your bedroom eyes look like," he said, deepening my blush.

Julian intervened, ever the voice of reason, one hand giving Avery's shoulder a playful squeeze. "Do whatever feels right for you, Vik. He likes you. You don't need to worry about anything except being yourself."

He reached to hug and kiss me goodnight -- on the lips, as always. It felt so natural that I briefly wondered why so many people insisted on intimate contact with only one person at a time. I got a hug and kiss from Avery too, that one causing a small twinge of pain, but it was quickly overshadowed by the prospect of Gavin waiting inside.

"Will you come by tomorrow and tell us how it went?" Avery asked as they stepped off the porch.

"Alright," I agreed. I watched them for a minute as they crossed the moon-lit garden to the front gate, shoulder to shoulder, already absorbed in their own conversation. Then I went back inside and rejoined Gavin in front of the fireplace.

He put the kettle on to boil and sat beside me this time. "They obviously care for you very much," he commented with a smile.

I decided to be brave. "They were encouraging me to invite you home with me. I worried you might find that...unbecoming." I dared to meet his eyes, and they were soft, yet with the signature glow of a certain kind of interest.

"I don't find anything about you unbecoming, Vik." He didn't touch me, but as his words infused my heart, suddenly I wanted him to. "I was going to suggest it, if you didn't."

His manner was so steady and open, it hardly felt like a proposition. This was what I needed: for sex not to feel like a dirty secret, an adjunct to a relationship. Not to have to wonder and pray that someone else wanted what I wanted. For physical intimacy to be treated like the practical reality it was, rather than some ethereal realm that existed only if no one acknowledged it. My experience with Julian and Avery had illuminated that more than ever.

Still, the more I saw how well this could work, the more nervous I got. Because I also saw many pathways whereby I could fail.

Gavin spoke again before I could settle on a reply. "I don't know you well enough to rely on reading signals. So we can stay and have tea for as long as you want. Or if you'd like to relocate to your place, just say the word."

"I think...yes. We can...relocate."

He smiled at me, then he got up and removed the kettle. "Let me speak to Madelyn before we leave."

Soon we were following in Julian and Avery's footsteps down the garden path and toward the walls of Fort Laurel. The walk was only a few minutes, and I hadn't thought of much to say by the time we reached my door.

I let us in and lit one of the bedside kerosene lamps. Maybe it was sentimental of me, but I also lit one of the candles Avery had given me at the solstice. I hoped the holiday-spiced scent, and the memories I'd made while it burned, might lend some support for this step into the frightening unknown.

"I'm afraid there isn't much seating," I told Gavin, hovering awkwardly near my own door. "You're welcome to take the chair."

"Would you be uncomfortable if we both sat on the bed?"

"No, that's fine."

I settled at the edge of my mattress, feet on the floor, and he sat beside me: close, but not encroaching on my space. This was it, the moment I was supposed to act, to speak -- to be charming and clever and desirable -- but I found myself paralyzed with nerves. I had no idea if the person he was hoping to meet tonight existed anywhere within me, even on my best day.

"Are you sure you want me to be here?" he asked. "You seem very nervous. Please feel free to tell me, if you'd like to change your mind."

"No -- I mean -- I don't --" I stopped and took a breath before I could make a further mess. "I am nervous. But I do want you here."

In a way, I envied Gavin's maturity more than Avery's youth. He was only in his late thirties, but his energy was so...settled. Marriage, parenting, nearly an extra decade of adulthood -- he had a lot of life experience on me, and it seemed to have given him an equanimity that I aspired to, but in a situation like this, definitely did not feel.

He reached toward my shoulder, but stopped short of contact. "May I?"

I nodded, and he touched me for the first time, laying his large, capable hand where my arm joined my clavicle.

"This isn't a Queen Esther scenario, Vik," he said, calm and steady. "You don't have to impress me in a single night or else never see me again. You don't have to impress me at all -- I'm already interested. And I highly doubt Delta -- Julian -- would have misjudged our compatibility." He drew his hand across my upper back, smoothing away tension.

I nodded and took some comfort from his certainty. "I have no idea what Julian's told you about me, but I can't help worrying I've been vastly over-promised," I confessed.

Gavin laughed quietly. "That must be the nerves talking, because when have you ever known him to employ anything but the strictest accuracy in his descriptions?"

I joined the amusement. "I suppose you're right. But surely he would have focused on what he considered positive attributes. And it seems very likely that I'll be...disappointing."

His reassuring hand traced my back some more, the act itself a counter-argument to my fears, while he spoke with gentle, diffusing humor. "You probably say that to all the boys."

I had to laugh at myself. "I do, and that's one reason none of them are here."

"You aren't worried that I'll be disappointing?"

I considered for a moment: his looks, his personality, his family, his job, his hobbies, and most of all, the friends who recommended him. "I -- No."

"Are you always this hard on yourself?"

I glanced over for a moment. Gavin was watching my face, but his tone and expression were compassionate, not judgmental. I wasn't used to having my weaknesses so openly appraised and still accepted.

"This situation perhaps brings up...more insecurities than most," I awkwardly attempted to explain. "Especially in the context of this week, which has left my emotions...rather frayed."

Again, he expressed only acceptance and support. "Anything you'd like to share?"

I shook my head. "Not at present." I wouldn't mind admitting my feelings for Avery, but I'd prefer it to be later. After they were less of a factor.

Gavin's hand moved to caress the side of my neck, and he waited for me to look up. "Vik, I can't make promises about the future, on a first date. But how would it be if just for tonight, you let me take care of you, and you don't worry about being disappointing?"

It would be...heaven. But how could I justify the selfishness of accepting such an offer?

"That doesn't seem like it would be much fun for you," my voice argued feebly, while my body leaned into his gentle touch at my neck.

His answer was achingly simple. "I didn't come home with you to have fun. I came here to be with you."

I couldn't fathom how I deserved such unrestricted kindness, but the last of my resistance dissolved. "Will you kiss me?" I whispered.

He did, his lips meeting mine with a perfect balance of tenderness and passion -- responsive, thrillingly lingering, electric without pushing toward sex. A kiss for experienced adults who understood how to integrate eroticism with enduring commitment. I doubt first kisses are a reliable indicator of long-term success. But if they were...I could look forward to many, many more.

Gavin kept one hand at my neck, and his other arm encircled my back. I reached for him almost without meaning to, drawn irresistibly to his strength and safety, and his lips pressed mine again.

"When Julian spoke to me at the solstice," he said softly, "he told me that you're a warm, generous person. That you're loyal, caring, and emotionally mature."

He paused for another, slightly deeper kiss.

"He said that you love children," Gavin resumed, "and that my family would be lucky to include you. And he didn't have to tell me, because I already knew, that you're talented, and kind-hearted, and a major asset to this community."

He stroked my cheek while I tried to process the overwhelming compliments.

"He said that you prefer to transfer control to your partner during sex. Which, as he may have told you, aligns with my preferences."

I wanted to look away, but the desire gathering in Gavin's gaze was too much to resist. Julian hadn't specifically mentioned that, but given how important it was to me, I'd made the deduction.

"Finally, as if all that weren't convincing, he said that you were an absolute pleasure in the bedroom. I remember it well, because I've spent two months imagining what might have led him to make that particular statement."

Gavin waited for the heat of his words to sear a path from my brain to my pelvis, then he moved in for a different kind of kiss. I let the worries about whether I was good enough, or what would happen if I wasn't, fall away. This perceptive, protective, passionate man wanted me, and I wanted him, and for tonight, that was more than enough.

It was everything.

* * * * *

Avery:

Three months after that first double date with Gavin, on the last day of May, Julian and I had opened our window to let in the fresh evening breeze while we waited for Vik to stop by on his way to cover the night shift. We'd had him over for sex a few more times after he and Gavin got together, but as they grew more involved, Vik didn't really need us anymore, so things had naturally tapered off. We were all still good friends, though, and I was eager to hear the update he'd promised at dinner.

"Hi," Vik greeted me with an even warmer glow than usual when he arrived. We shared a hug and quick kiss, then he gave the same to Julian. With his new boyfriend to distract him, his feelings for me had resolved back to our normal state of intimate caring without romantic tension. I'd been relieved once I could kiss him again without worrying I was hurting him.

"So how are things going?" I asked when we'd all settled on the bed. It felt so normal, having him here with us, that it seemed amazing I had ever been so terrified of it. "Must be pretty well, with how happy you look."

"Very well, yes," Vik agreed, a full smile breaking onto his face. "You know I've been staying at Gavin's when I can get away, and he stays with me sometimes when I can't. The kids have been great about it, and Madelyn is very supportive. We fit into each other's lives so well...I'm sure it sounds cliché, but sometimes it feels like this is what's been missing all along."

"We're extremely pleased for you," Julian replied, smiling also. "All of you."

Vik acknowledged with a bashful look, then he went on. "We've even been discussing...moving the whole household into the fort, so I can get back and forth to the med center as quickly as I often need to. The Wilson family is expecting another child, and they're interested in trading houses so they can add on a room. They live near the herb garden, which Madelyn already manages and could expand. Plus Nana Wilson will take great care of Madelyn's current home garden."

"Oh yeah? That's exciting," I said. "You and Gavin must be getting pretty serious."

Vik's smile grew both brighter and sweetly tender. "Yes. In fact...a few days ago, I told him that I love him. And he...loves me too."

"Oh my god," I exclaimed, scooting over for another, tighter hug. "So fucking happy for you, Vik. You really, really deserve it."

"Thank you, Avery," he told me in that gentle, quiet way of his. His temple rested against my head for a moment, then I let him go.

"Congratulations," Julian offered, reaching to grip Vik's shoulder. "I'm not sure if that's the correct sentiment, but it seems appropriate."

"I want to say how deeply indebted I am to you both," Vik said. "This wouldn't have been possible without your intervention and support. The time I got to spend with you, being welcomed into such a private part of your lives, was very...healing for me. You extended such kindness and acceptance...I'll always be grateful. Our involvement truly helped clarify what I was looking for and allowed me to observe and practice a lot of relational skills I've needed to get to this place with Gavin."

Julian answered first. "Speaking for myself, it was an honor to be trusted as your partner in this capacity. I think we've received nearly as much return on our investment as you have. Aside from all the sexual benefits, you may not realize how much our marriage strengthened through our relationship with you."

I nodded. "It's true. I was still...struggling with some things, when we started with you, that have gotten a lot better. I never could have imagined, back when you started talking to Julian, that I'd end up happily watching him have sex with you over and over." I paused to share a smile with my husband. "I just worry a lot less now. So thank you."

Vik took my hand, affectionate and innocent, the way it always had been between us. "I used to get so jealous sometimes," he confessed softly. "When you would look at each other like that. The way you would touch each other, with so much love. I couldn't dwell on it, of course; it's the nature of being involved with a committed couple. But finally..." His features glowed with joy and something like pride. "I have someone who looks at me that way. Because of you two."

"I hope you understand it's ninety-five percent because of you," Julian told him. "I made the suggestion, but all the credit belongs to you for being the wonderful person and loving partner I know you are."

Vik just beamed and didn't even argue.

"We're still here, by the way," I put in. "If you ever miss us. I'm perfectly willing to give Gavin a night off from torturing you."

He laughed. "That's very altruistic of you, Avery, I'm sure."

"Yeah, it's totally selfish. But you know." Wouldn't be true to say I didn't miss teasing the hell out of him. But as we'd found out, it probably wasn't possible to keep up that level of control long-term without other feelings getting involved. These days, I was back to letting Julian talk me into getting the hell teased out of me. And boy did he know how to make it fiendishly divine. I suppressed a shudder.

"I should get to the med center," Vik said, releasing my hand. "We'll go boating or something soon, ok?"

"Sounds good. Tell Gavin congrats for us too."

"I will. Goodnight."

When he was gone, I shifted positions. Languid in the wake of Vik's romantic triumph and effusive gratitude, I lay with my head on Julian's long legs, which were stretched out in front of him while his back rested against the headboard. The fragrance of wildflowers and young leaves floated in from the window, and the sky faded pink with sunset.

I let my gaze linger on the familiar, beloved face above me -- the noble brow, the chiseled planes around his jaw, and those piercing blue irises that matched the pendant always at my throat. He was watching me too, one hand resting on my bicep.

"Been three years since you showed up at Sabine Ridge," I reminded him, flirting a little because I could. Because he was mine, and he adored me, and I loved the way his stern mouth softened when I smiled at him. The warming late-spring breezes were bringing back the memories of his unlooked-for advent in my small corner of the world. I'd had no idea at the time what those winds portended -- that my life was about to change forever.

"So it has." Julian agreed fondly. His fingers combed my wavy hair, the simple touch sending ripples of contented belonging through me.

"Next year I'll be as old as you were when we met," I mused. "Twenty-seven seemed so far away to me then."

"It's still far away," he said, his caresses as effortless as the day I fell in love with him. "Who knows what could happen in a year?"

"Yeah. But I know one thing that will happen when I'm twenty-seven."

"What's that?"

"I'll be celebrating my fourth anniversary with you."

Julian's sapphire eyes gleamed, and his fingers moved to trace the stone that represented them. "Wouldn't miss it for anything."

And somehow, as twilight fell and the songbirds called goodnight to one another outside our window, the conviction rang true in a dimension of knowledge that was deeper than thought or reason:

Whatever unforeseen transformations fate brought us, we would never face them without each other.