Alex - The Novella

Alex shook her head, a sad smile twisting her lips. Then she shrugged. "What father? I don't have a father now, do I?"

I heartily disagreed with what Alex said but I could also never understand what she'd gone through. As she walked away, I set her stuff down and opened the door for Mrs Shankar.

"I don't know you," she said quietly, "but my husband is not doing well. He should see her."

"I can't force her, Mrs Shankar." And I really don't want to do you any favors.

"I know," she said bitterly. "I know. But please try."

She slid her sunglasses back on her nose even though it was way past sundown. Her hands were trembling visibly.

"Try - that's all I ask," she repeated when I didn't say anything.

I nodded slightly.

"It's not an affliction," I said and shut the door.

Chapter Eleven

I made a pot of jasmine tea and sat in the kitchen. Alex had retreated to the bathroom after her mother had left. She hadn't said a word. The shower had been running for almost half an hour.

I swirled the untouched tea, sloshing it over the sides so I would've something to do to keep myself occupied. All my sensitivity training told me to leave Alex alone - someone who'd just experienced conflict needed time to heal. But my heart was telling me otherwise.

I wasted some time cleaning up the tea, doing some dishes, putting the groceries away and piling Alex's work clothes in the laundry. Forty-five minutes had passed. Still, I heard nothing but running water.

The 'what if' demons in my mind had taken over. I tapped lightly on the bathroom door but heard nothing. I opened it a crack.

"Alex?"

She was standing in the shower, one hand braced on the wall, fully clothed. Her face was obscured by wet, matted hair. I slid the shower door open. She didn't move.

"Alex?" I said again, laying a hand on her arm as I had before. It was ice cold.

"I'm turning the water off." I reached through the icy water pouring down on her and turned the valve. Still, she stood there, unresponsive. I began panicking in earnest.

"Come here," I said, turning her around and pulling her to me. "I'm here, baby. It'll be okay. I'm here."

I pushed the hair out of her eyes, trying to get her to look at me. I had a feeling she was going into some kind of shock. Her eyes were clouded over, glazed. She'd checked out.

"Alex!" I yelled, tapping her cheek a couple of times. She blinked and seemed to have trouble focusing. "Baby, come back. You're okay. Everything's fine."

I tried to sound as reassuring as I could. I knew very little about Alex's family but what I'd personally seen, I didn't like. I couldn't begin to imagine what was going through her head.

"Let's get out of the shower," I suggested, determined to get her into some dry clothes and warm her up.

Her arms came around me in a fierce, desperate hug, squeezing the breath out of my lungs in a surprised exhale. She began shivering in earnest, but I felt hot tears on my shoulder.

"Baby..." I started and a sob burst out of her in a heart-rending moment. She leaned her weight on me and I was forced back towards the tiled wall of the shower. She buried her head in my shoulder, her body shivering from physical and mental exertion. I slid down to the floor and she curled herself around me, still holding on to me as though I were the only thing in the world that would keep her from drowning.

Each sob felt like it was tearing me up inside. I slipped my t-shirt over my head and wiped her cheeks and nose, tossing it aside. Although she eventually quieted, the hollow echo in the bathroom and intermittent hiccups served as a sufficient reminder of her pain.

Her eyes, reddened and swollen, finally closed, and she murmured, "I love you" just as she began to drift.

I shut my eyes just as the tears threatened to spill. I kissed the top of her head and leaned my head back against the wall.

That night, for the first time since we'd started dating, I spooned Alex to sleep.

*

She had already left for work when I woke up the next day. I hadn't been able to sleep half the night. Every time Alex stirred and clasped the arm I'd draped around her waist, I jerked awake and soothed her back to sleep. I couldn't recall the number of times this happened before I drifted off completely.

I texted her immediately, trying to catch her before she started her shift, but received no response. I stared at the screen for what seemed like hours, waiting for the little grey dots to pop up. I just needed to know she was okay. It was very unlike her to leave without a word. We'd usually have some breakfast together - and sometimes, a little more than breakfast - before she left for work.

I rolled over to her side of the bed and buried my nose in her pillow. The smell of the herbal soap she used calmed me immediately. I hugged it close and shut my eyes.

*

"What are you doing home so early?"

I'd just sat down with an e-book on managing family crises later that day when Alex walked in the door. She looked terrible. Despite the fact that she'd slept through the night, there were dark bags under her eyes that spoke volumes.

"I took a half day," she said, dropping her bag by the door and heading to the kitchen. I set my Kindle on the coffee table and followed her.

She retrieved a mug from the cupboard and filled it with water from the sink.

"Would you like something to eat?" I asked. The food from last night was still in the fridge. I hadn't had the appetite to touch any of it.

She shook her head as she drank and rinsed the mug.

"I have to go," she said, instead, turning away.

I frowned. She hadn't once looked me in the eye since she'd walked through the door. She pushed past me and made for the bedroom.

Everything in me told me not to let her leave. Not like this.

She was ruffling through her drawer when I came up behind her and put my arms around waist. Laying my cheek against her back, I murmured, "I miss you."

She'd frozen the moment I'd touched her. I could feel her heart rate speeding up.

"Look at me, Alex. Turn around."

She did but looked away, unable to meet my eyes. I put my hand on her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into my caress.

"I'm sorry," she said, one hand coming up to cup mine. She placed a kiss on the center of my palm.

"For what?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"For last night," she clarified, finally meeting my gaze. "I'm sorry I broke down like that."

My heart ached for her. "Don't insult me by apologizing. I'll probably never understand what you're going through but I'm here for you. You have to know that."

"Okay," she said but her voice was barely a whisper.

"Talk to me, baby. What's going through your mind?"

She pulled away from me and sat on the edge of the bed. I kicked off my flip-flops and knelt on the bed, facing her.

"I need to see him," she confessed, unable to meet my eyes again. I noted that she said 'him' and not 'dad'. I took her hand in mine.

"But I thought you said..."

"I know I did!" She pulled her hand away and stood, stalking across the room. "You don't understand. I was forced to leave. I had no choice. I never wanted to leave."

I watched her fight to find the words to express how she felt. She looked broken, confused.

"Come here, baby. Tell me what happened."

Her gaze pinned me to the spot for a full minute before she said, "I never wanted to think about that time ever again."

Discomfort lodged painfully in my belly. Alex's past was the final piece of the puzzle. Although I knew she didn't want to keep it from me, it still unnerved the hell out of me that she held that part of herself away from my reach. I mean, there was nothing about me she didn't know - even some of the embarrassing stuff! But when it came to family, whenever I'd even so much as bring up the subject, she'd change it or simply shake her head.

I knew it had to be painful but I also knew I could help. As a teacher, you're trained for situations like this. As a lover, you know that touch can heal all manner of things. If only she'd talk to me, I knew I could help, even in some small way. A hug, a kiss, an 'I'm sorry'.

"Come here." I patted the spot on the bed next to me. She sat on the edge again, her head in her hands.

"Alex, they're your family. Sometimes families make mistakes. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. If there were ever a time to forgive your father for whatever he did, this would be it."

I tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. "Are you listening?"

She nodded, her eyes fixed on the carpet.

"Good. That's all I have to say. We don't have to talk about it now. I'll get us some chamomile tea or something, okay?"

I slid off the bed but she caught my arm, pulling me back to her. She pillowed her head against my chest and took a deep, steadying breath. My fingers found their way into her hair again.

"It's just easier to forget." Her voice was muffled against my skin.

I said nothing because, really, what could I say that would be better than just being there with her? For her?

She pulled away to stare at me for a few seconds before she scooted back on the bed and pulled me across her lap. Her head rested on the grey headboard. I could see her throat working as she tried to form the words.

"I, uh, knew I wasn't... normal... when I was very young. Maybe 5. My mum's best friend at the time had a daughter who was a year older than me. Maya." Her smile was sad. "She was a weird kid. But we were close. Very close. Close enough to play

'Mommy and Daddy' even though we were both girls. Neither of us saw a problem with it. It seemed completely natural."

She drifted off for a little bit, lost in thought.

"Anyway, we had our own little house where she would bake these cupcakes and I would go to work everyday with my dad's old briefcase."

I raised an eyebrow. "Like life in the 50s?"

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose it was. Maya and I were really good friends for years. We never actually spoke about anything deep and meaningful, although both of us pretty much knew what we were. And then I went to an all-girls school and... those were the best years of my life. I learned a lot." The twinkle in her eye told me just what she learned there. "But it was different for Maya. Her parents sent her to an International school. She didn't fit in; she was suffocating in that place.

"One day, she came over to the house with her mom after school. I think I was fifteen then. We were in my room, just chatting about nothing in particular. And out of the blue, she asked me if I had a girlfriend. We'd never talked about stuff like that before. It startled me but I wasn't about to hide anything. I said no. And then she started unbuttoning her uniform and... things happened.

"It was weird. It felt... it felt like obligatory sex with someone I really cared for. Because I knew she was struggling and just needed something. And that's how they found us."

She paused, taking a breath and intertwining her fingers with mine.

"That's how our moms found us. With my head between her legs. I was terrified. I remember this absolute silence when we realized we were being watched. And it still haunts me.

"I got a really good thrashing. Several, actually. From my mom, my dad. They sent me to a priest everyday after school. I put up with it for a while. But a few months later, my mother found some flirty texts from my girlfriend at the time. So she sent me to a psychologist. I went for about a year. Said the right things. Played him, really. He tried to convince me that it's a choice, something in your head that you can control."

She shrugged. "Even at that age, I knew it wasn't. I knew what I was, who I was. I never even tried to fight it. Maya, on the other hand, became a born again Christian. Her family started attending another church and I never saw her again."

My heart ached for a girl I'd never even met, someone I couldn't help.

"It was hard, living in that house. I was policed every second of every day. I wasn't allowed to shut my bedroom door, I wasn't allowed to cut my hair and I definitely wasn't allowed to go out with friends. So one day, I lied about having extra classes and went over to my girlfriend's place. We weren't even really doing anything. We just hung out by her pool, talking. And suddenly, my dad's car stops right in front of Lisa's front gate.

"It was bad. He'd tracked my phone. He dragged me home by the scruff of my neck, and just threw everything I owned onto the street. I stood there, in my front garden, still in my borrowed swimsuit and he's yelling, throwing stuff at me. The neighbors are all watching and I grab my school bag, a handful of clothes and run out the front gate."

She took a deep breath. "I walked two hours to my grandmother's house. She took me in. Didn't even ask questions. My paati was a great woman."

"Was?" I interrupted.

"Yeah. She died last year." Her grip on me tightened. "Then her house went to her oldest son - the uncle you met. And he kicked me out, too. Right before Prelims."

Despite the matter-of-fact way she was presenting her life, a single tear slid down my cheek. She brushed it away. "I'm okay, Cady. Really. My paati left me some money. I stayed in a shelter for a while before Jack hooked me up with Heng and the rest."

Her brows furrowed. "I suppose the worst part was that none of them even cared enough to contact me. To see how I was. I mean, I'm their blood. Surely, they would've wondered if I was dead or alive. I have two older brothers and neither did anything to help."

She leaned her head back against the headboard and shut her eyes. Her breathing was deep and even - deliberately so, I expected.

I placed my palm on her cheek and turned her head toward me. I took her lips, slowly, trying to tell her without words that it'll be okay.

When I finally pulled away, she murmured 'thank you' against my lips.

I shook my head. "I can't imagine how painful this must be for you, baby. I really can't. But I think you should go see your father today. Look at you. You're a strong, independent, kind, generous and very lovable woman. As much as it kills me that you had to go through all that crap to become who you are, the fact that you've moved past the anger and insecurity and rejection shows me that you're a bigger person than your family will ever be... collectively. You need to show them how well you're doing. You need to make them regret ever treating you that way by trying to make amends. Do you understand?"

She sighed.

"And then maybe, just maybe, they'll see you the way I see you."

She smiled but it was sad. "Not totally the way you see me, I hope." Her fingers ran down the side of my breasts.

I slapped her hand away. "Be serious!"

She pulled me closer and I rested my head in the crook of her neck, my fingers playing with her hair.

"I meant what I said last night, you know," she whispered. My head popped up.

"What?" I teased, feigning ignorance.

She caught my hand and pressed a kiss to it. "I love you. I think I always have."

I leaned forward and kissed her, catching her bottom lip between my teeth. This was wildly different from the one we shared before. Her teeth grazed my bottom lip and tugged.

She pushed me down on the bed so that I lay under her with my legs around her waist.

"And?" she prodded, kissing a trail down my neck.

"And what?" I asked, already breathless as she nibbled on a soft spot on my shoulder.

She looked up at me with an eyebrow raised. I reached down to trace the sexy arc.

"You have to know I love you, too."

Her hand crept up my shirt as her lips met mine again. "Now I do," she whispered.

Chapter Twelve

We pulled up in front of the behemoth of a hospital around 6PM that evening. Traffic had been absolutely brutal, more so because Alex hadn't said a word since we'd left the house.

She'd asked to borrow a blouse and the white chiffon top I'd loaned her hung loosely on her lean frame. The top of her sports bra peeked out at her shoulders.

She'd taken off her eyebrow piercing.

"I'll wait for you. Give me a text when you're ready." I watched as passengers exited the car behind me. The driver stared at me, expecting me to pull away and not hold up traffic. I waved him past.

"I've never been so unsure of anything in my life." She bit her lip, looking out the window. "I never wanted to see them again. They're horrible people."

I slapped her thigh sharply. "Stop! You made your decision. I'm sorry to say this, but what if your dad passes away tonight? Huh? You're sitting here in the car with me, wasting time, and he just... goes? What will you do then? How would you feel not knowing what could've happened?"

She flinched at my words. "I... I don't know, Cay."

"Look," I unbuckled the seatbelt and turned towards her. Another car honked behind me and I waved them past. "You told me you wanted to do this, right? You want to see your dad?"

She nodded, exhaling deeply. "He hates me. He'd never want me there. My mother has always been the nice one."

That statement surprised a laugh out of me. "Your mother? Nice?"

Her lips quirked in a small smile. "Yes. Believe it or not."

She took a deep breath - several, actually - checked her face in the mirror and closed her eyes for a few seconds. I just kept waving cars on as she did that.

"Okay. I'm going in." She placed a quick kiss on my cheek and reached for the door.

I shouted "Good luck!" after her and signaled to pull away from the curb. But a cursory glance in my rearview mirror revealed a guy who was staring at Alex intensely. Too intensely. I turned off my signal just as he stubbed his cigarette out on a trashcan and hastily picked his briefcase off the floor.

He made a blind dash for Alex and my heart constricted.

In a panic, I shouted her name through the open window. As she turned around, he slammed into her side so sharply I heard Alex grunt. I scrambled to get out of the car, climbing over the gearshift and hitting my head in the process.

Hissing, I popped open the passenger door, only to see that the guy was now hugging Alex - a giant, big, bear hug cuddle. Alex just stood there, looking down at the man, before she tentatively put her arms around him.

As I stood rubbing the sore spot, the man spoke rapidly in Tamil. I could tell he was throwing questions at her but gave her no time at all to respond. Then he pushed away from her as though he was checking to see if she was in one piece.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked me instead.

The guy looked over his shoulder and pulled away from her.

"I'm fine," I said, waving her away. I wondered how red my forehead was. "I'll see you later."

"Wait, Cay." Alex's voice was hesitant. "This is my brother, Arvin. Arvin, this is Cady."

My eyes widened at the mention of 'brother'. I looked uncertainly from Alex to Arvin and back. Yet again, I found no similarities between the two. Arvin took after his mother.

I extended my hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Arvin shook my hand warmly and spoke to Alex in Tamil again. Alex simply nodded.

He turned back to me. "I would say welcome to the family but that isn't going to happen while the old folks are still around."

"Oh," I laughed awkwardly. "Great."

"Still," he continued, "It's nice to meet you. You're very beautiful."

Alex elbowed him in the ribs as I stammered out a thank you. He looked back at Alex again, his expression somber.

"I've missed you. I tried to call you... so many times. You disappeared." He seemed genuinely distraught.