- Romance
- An Illicit Secret
- Page 2
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Click hereLauren backs away once we're out of the shower. This is our moment together. She'll rejoin us in the morning. She'll come for the answer she seeks and the one I pray I'll have for her. We don't even bother drying off. We're dripping water as Claire kisses me and as Rowan lowers herself to my waist. She takes me into her mouth. The feel of her sends me nearly to the precipice. I was already near it in the shower, and before on the back porch. It takes everything I have to not release in her mouth. Claire begs me not too. She wants me to last till it's her turn. I can't though and release before Claire can even get her mouth on me. They both swallow my desire and relish in its taste. The waves of ecstasy barely have a chance to recede before Claire takes me into her mouth, and to my surprise it's only seconds before I release again and she swallows it all.
They take me to the bed. I'm so in a daze, I don't even realize that I'm on my back till I'm peering up into Rowan's eyes. She kisses me as Claire slides me inside her. God! The pressure of being inside her, of feeling her welcoming warmth...it takes my breath, and my body tenses as she presses hers into mine. The water from our shower, the sweat from our bodies, and the pure rolling heat of our raging desire...all of it fuels the dance we begin, slow but yet intense, potent with the feelings that rile within us. Even before I realize it, my heart is open to her, as is my very soul. I'm hers, forever.
It had been the same with Claire. I don't remember how many times they took me last night, only that I remember falling asleep in their arms and that upon waking they were gone and Lauren was lying next to me, delightfully nude. I could hear the shower running, even as she kissed my forehead and cheek, rousing my from my drowsiness.
"One question." She begins.
I can see that she's been crying. Her eyes are swollen. Her face is marred by a night of fearful thoughts, of doubts about our future.
"Yes." I croaked with a trembling voice.
"Yes, what?" She's hesitant, uncertain as her eyes moisten all over again.
"I'll marry you." I find myself overcome and my tears begin to fall, eliciting hers to fall too.
"Is this how you truly feel?"
"I'm all in, forever."
She says nothing. The joy on her face does it for her. She kisses me and now I know what forever truly feels like. It's four souls that will endure to the bitter end, together.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousabout 1 year agoThis felt so real. I disagree with ScottishTexan on most points. First of all, it’s your story to tell. This means at your pacing and with your ideas. I thought you did a fantastic job. The ultimatum seemed completely in character. The girls were a trio before our hero came along, so it makes sense that they come as a package.
5 * from me.
Tc
ScottishTexanover 1 year agoI really want to give you a five for this story, but I can’t justify it based strictly on the fact that I love harem stories where most of the women if not all of them are bisexual. My ex wife is bisexual and bisexual females are my kryptonite, my Achilles Heel.
The beginning was absolutely horrible. 😢 I truly had no idea about what the gender of the narrator was until he FINALLY talked about his erection embarrassing himself. The story became more interesting after that, but the character building was awkward and out of sync. 😳 I enjoyed Lauren's character most of all because she was amused by her boyfriend's efforts to remain faithful to her in spite of the double temptation being thrown at him by Rowan and Claire.
Resolving the tension between all of the parties involved didn't follow a logical path or approach either. The whole thing with forcing the narrator to decide on all or nothing was just plain stupid. 😒 What red-blooded man is going to turn down a three girl harem being handed to him on a Silver Platter? Seriously?
And then we come to the length of the story. You have too many issues, concepts, and characters here to cram it all into less than 7500 words. If you had truly written this out with the level of detail that it deserves, 12,500 to 18,000 words would have been an optimal length.
On the plus side, I loved the use of actual real places for your locations. I have personally traveled the Gulf Coast from Brownsville to Key West extensively and I'm very familiar with the locations in Mississippi that you called upon.
Please take your story back to your desk for a major rewrite. Keep your original concept unchanged, but work on the relationships and character interactions more. Instead of just throwing your narrator into the Lions Den to sink or swim, let Lauren ease him into dating both of her lovers one at a time. She shouldn't be copping a "take it or leave it" attitude with him at all if everyone involved is emotionally invested in each other as you would like the audience to believe. 😏 Also, remove the gender ambiguity in the first two or three sentences of the story. 🤔
I should give you a two because there's so many problems with your tale, but it is in the genre that I absolutely love, a woman who loves her guy so much that she gets her friends to lay him. 4/5
LudvigBlomSEover 1 year agoA beautiful bewildering story. Hopefully they will survive living out their love in a relationship that will be under hard scutiny by people that can't accept multiple love so that it doesn't have a "bitter" ending.
Very original. A story with two vives I've seen but three! One has to hope that he is strong enough and with stamina to spare so he'll survive ;-)
