All Comments on 'And They Were Roommates...'

Oh yes more please, hot n sexy roommates hopefully get into it often.

Not bad. I don’t mind a short story. Some of my favorite stories are only two pages long. This one felt a bit rushed. ***

He asked her to move in with him but it's her home and he moves in with her. She's older and taller than him? No thanks. And you kept changing from his POV to hers without notice. Rewrite and try again. 1*

"Which is why it came as such a surprise when Devon asked her to move in with him.

"Devon had just graduated college and was looking for a place to live. Cara welcomed him with open arms, as her rent had just increased and she was pleased he would be able to take some of the pressure off of her shoulders."

The very beginning says Devon asked Cara to move in with him. But then the story states he moved in with her. It sets up a premise then contradicts it immediately, which is confusing for the reader and slows down the story as they have to work out whats really going on. A good start but the pacing could be better. Feels rather rushed. Let the situation develop more fully and then detail the resolution.

Seriously in need of an editor - or at least re-read your work and sort out the inconsistencies

My sister, one year older than me, was just hotter than a two dollar pistol. In the summer, when we were out of school, I'd see her lying on the sofa reading a book and hoped some how that she would get up and start taking her clothes off in front of me. That , of course, never happened. Ours was a Victorian family and our mother would have disowned us if she knew what we were thinking.

But reading your story I tried to re-live those days, as I'd wished they had been. I loved it!

Definitely felt rushed. What’s the point of doing a buildup showing secret feelings if you just jump straight into it one section later

Like others have already pointed out it is too rushed and far too short.

Continuity problems abound...one reader already pointed out the "who is moving in with who" thing. But there's also this virtually impossible feat:

"He put my right breast in his mouth, circling the nipple with his tongue. He took my left breast in his hand, repeating the same motions, but with his fingers. I took this as an opportunity to unzip his jeans and release his dick. I could tell he was enjoying this just as much as I was. His dick was dripping with precum."

How would she even accomplish that maneuver? Her arms are certainly not long enough unless she's a chimpanzee. Is she supposed to be turned upside down or something?

The leap from getting hot and bothered by each other to her brother suddenly kissing her after the accident was awkward and inconsistent. They should have been getting closer to each other long before they kissed. Hands touching arms and backs. Affection building up to lingering hugs then finally the kiss. But you rushed past all of the foundation and straight to the intercourse.

Fantastic outline, but a major rewrite is definitely needed. 3/5

His dick was dripping with precum? I think you meant, "He shot load after sticky load of precum."