Are We Who We Think We Are? Pt. 01

I arrived home about twenty minutes later invigorated in body and mind and as I closed the door to my room and pulled my top off I grabbed my phone to check for messages. I had five, all from Sarah:

18:01 Sarah: Hi, can we please talk?

18:06 Sarah: Hey, please can we talk? Please answer me.

18:16 Sarah: Why won't you answer me. I really need to speak to you. I don't think you are being fair to me.

18:20 Sarah: Oy!

18:22 Sarah: Call me, please.

I flopped onto my bed and stared at my phone. I don't honestly know why I didn't anticipate this. Of course, she was going to try and resolve things and make it right, like a good girl should. I needed to be strong and fair. I couldn't call her, there is no way I was ready to revisit this verbally.

19:12 Me: Hi, sorry. I was out running.

19:12 Me: I am not sure we have anything more to discuss. I do care for you S. but I have realised what it is I want and unless you think that you can be that person I don't think it is fair on either of us to keep going.

19:13 Me: Tell me I'm wrong!

19:15 Sarah: 🙁

19:15 Sarah: Where has all of this come from? I think we are good together and you always seem to enjoy it when we, you know....

I read that last message, the very fact that she couldn't even bring herself to write, "have sex," said it all.

19:16 Me: You can't even say it can you? HAVE SEX! If you can't even get past that then we really aren't going to find a way through.

19:16 Sarah: What do you want Jake? I just don't get it, I don't get you!!!!

19:18 Me: I want life and love and sex to be no holds barred. I don't want to be the safe, nice boy you can take home to mummy and daddy.

19:18 Sarah: What does that mean?

19:20 Me: Well for a start I want sex to be wild and dirty. I want you bent over a table while I fuck you from behind and pull your hair and spank your arse. I want you on your knees in front of me while I hold your head and fuck your mouth. I want you tied spread eagle on my bed while I tease and torment your body and mind, not letting you cum until you beg me using all the words you can't let yourself say to plead for an orgasm.

19:21 Me: I want take you to a restaurant and make you take off your knickers while we sit at the table and pass them to me. I want you to shave your pussy, your cunt because I tell you it's what I want.

19:22 Me: I want you to let me take you on a journey with me to explore these things. I am pretty sure you are a submissive S. and I know I am dominant deep down and I know I want to find it and bring it to the surface. If you aren't up for that journey, then we really aren't going anywhere.

19:34 Sarah: I don't know what to say. Why would you say these things?

19:36 Me: Because it is what I want and believe. Don't say anything, go think about it and be honest with yourself. Bye S. x x

Sarah sent me a few more messages, but I didn't reply. I went for a shower and resolved to move on. I was pretty sure that she wouldn't get it. I wasn't sure what this was going to do to our group dynamic though as she was a part of our close circle. It was likely I was going to have to broaden my horizons and find a new group. I'd cross that bridge another day. I had something of a reprieve coming in a few days as I was travelling to the US and South America for work trip that would last 3 weeks.

The next few days I just operated on autopilot. Andy and Dom had both been brought up to speed by Sarah about the breakup but apparently not the details. I fielded the questions about why and was I seeing someone else? I gave vague excuses and reasons. Sunday, and my flight out to Chicago couldn't come fast enough. At home I more or less exiled myself to my room rather than try and navigate being sociable and risking more questions.

I used my self-imposed exile to do some research about submissive and dominant relationships. I'd long ago discovered BDSM porn and literature. I thought about it now and although very tempted every day to load up a movie and get down to some serious self-abuse I'd decided to keep it in my trousers for a while, an exercise in control. If I couldn't control myself what hope did I have for being able to exert control on someone else?

My trip to the Americas went well and put some welcome distance between my "life" and the real me. Sarah had gone radio silent, Andy and Dom stopped asking about it and things seemed to be settling down in my head. I spent a little time during my last week away planning social activity for my first week or so home.

I didn't want to go back and start hiding out in my room again. On the plus side the day after I was due home I would be seeing my sister, Hannah for our monthly catch up. It was always a good evening and wouldn't pose any issue with the breakup, Han couldn't give a flying fuck about my dating life.

So I strolled into the pub in central London where Han and I met on the 2^nd Thursday of every month, ordered a couple of drinks and waited for her to show up. Sure enough, 15 minutes late, as is usual, Han arrives in a flurry of black coat and scarves and we settle in for an evening of talking crap and drinking.

It was pushing towards 10:30 when I would have to leave to get my train home when I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Hi," said Sarah quietly. "Can I sit down with you guys?" she asked.

Slightly tipsy and caught completely off-guard I pulled out a seat and offered it to Sarah. Han looked at me and raised an eyebrow in my direction. I shrugged as I turned to Sarah, "How have you been? Umm, who are you hear with?" I asked.

Sarah looked a bit sheepish and replied "Good. Good thanks. I was with some work friends just down the road but thought I might find you in here tonight so I thought I would pop in and say hello. How was the trip?"

"Yeah good, fine," I said. "You guys are a little far afield tonight. You don't usually venture outside of the west end. Anything special happening," I asked.

"No. Well. Yes I guess," she fumbled for words.

"Okay, well I need to go to the ladies," Han declared as she stood up and swished off towards the back of the pub.

As soon as the door to the toilets closed Sarah leaned, reached for my hand and pleaded, "Jake, please can we go back together. It isn't right how things ended and I want us to have another chance."

I had been expecting this as soon as she said she was here with friends. There was no way her crowd would be seen dead in the city on a Thursday night. "I'm sorry Sarah," I said, "Everything I said before is still true. Let's just enjoy the last of the evening." I looked meaningfully at the big clock above the bar, "I need to go soon anyway to get the last train."

Han arrived back at the table then, sat down and started chatting aimlessly with Sarah about nothing much, while I watched the clock waiting to get away. Then, in a brief lapse in conversation Sarah leaned over and said quietly "I.....I want to try. You know. That stuff you said. I want to give it a go. Will, umm, do you still?"

I just laughed, I had not expected that at all. I didn't know what to say right there, right then. So to give myself some breathing space I said "Crap, we'll miss the train if we don't get a move on. Do you want to share a cab to the station, Sarah?"

In something of a frantic bustle we said our goodbye's to Han and headed out into the street and into a cab. As we sat there silently side by side I addressed the elephant in the cab, "Are you serious, Sarah?"

"Umm. Y-yes I think so," she replied quietly.

"You do understand what it means, what I want from you, for us?" I asked, sure that she was going to cave and clam up again. "If you are then I want you to tell me what it is that you think I want?"

Sarah went bright red and looked down, fidgeting with her hands for a while before looking out of the cab window away from me. I sighed and shook my head, my chest filling with disappointment. Sarah took her phone out and started tapping away then so I looked out of my window and waited to get to the station.

BZZZT!

My phone vibrated with a message. I figured it would be Han asking what the fuck was going on so I opened it up.

10:39 Sarah: You want to bend me over the table and fuck me from behind while you pull my hair and spank me. You want me to kneel while you fuck my face and I think you probably would like to bugger me as well. You want to tell me what to do and for me to do it even if I find it embarrassing. You want me to be your sub. I want to try and I will get braver and better so I don't have to type like this. At least I'll try.

I stared at my phone for several minutes in silence reading and re-reading that single text. Before I could reply or even thought to look at Sarah we pulled into the station and I had to focus on paying and getting out and so on.

That done, we walked silently through Waterloo station side by side and stopped under the big clock. "Come on," I said, "let's go get the 10:50." I grabbed her hand and we ran to the platform, heading towards the very front where it would be quieter.

We got on board and sat at the very end of the carriage. There were maybe 10 other people in the carriage with us but no one else in our little pod as the doors closed and the train pulled out. I got up and swapped seats so I was sat facing Sarah with my back to the wall looking down the carriage.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I whispered to her. "I totally understand if you don't really and the last thing I want is for you to do this and go down this path just in an attempt to not break up."

Sarah looked at me and then down at the floor between her feet and mumbled "I am sure. I want you to be my teacher, please."

I reached over and took her hands, pulling her slightly forward in her seat so our heads were closer together. "We will learn together sweetheart," I whispered into her ear, "but if we are going to do this, we are going to start right now. Do you understand?"

Sarah nodded her head but didn't look up. "Sarah," I said, "look at my eyes please."

She looked up and almost like it was the hardest thing she'd ever done looked me in the eyes, her cheeks fighting to decide if they wanted to be sheet white or rose red. I looked back at her, "Tell me what underwear you have on please, without breaking eye contact," I asked quietly

She was silent for a few moments and then she half whispered half croaked, "Umm, my err, my black lacey knickers and bra and hold ups." The rose won out and her face flamed crimson.

"Really!" I laughed, "you came tooled up for action then?" This underwear was her I want to get laid go to set. If it was possible Sarah managed to go a shade or two redder.

I slipped the smile off my face and as seriously as I could manage said quietly but clearly, "Sarah, please pass me your knickers."

She squeaked. Sarah actually squeaked and frantically looked around. "Now!" I said more firmly, "Show me you are serious about this and please pass me your knickers."

Sarah didn't move, just looked at me, all deer in the headlights. Honestly, I felt kind of like that myself at this point. We were both in uncharted territory but I knew I was doing the right thing, for me at least. Using my cock as a barometer the swelling was definitely telling me that I liked this. I waited looking at her.

Slowly at first and then faster, moving with nervous energy Sarah fidgeted and slid her just above the knee length skirt up her legs a little. Leaning back in my seat I could just make out her toned creamy thighs above the top of her black hold ups. Quickly looking around she leaned forward a little and reached under her skirt with both hands and pulled then sat down again. I could see the black lace of her knickers pulled tight part way down her thighs.

Moving quickly once more she shuffled them down to her knees, then onto the floor bending to scoop them up in a flash and balling them up in her hands before looking around again to see if anyone was watching this wanton act of sluttery.

I put my hand out to her and she leaned over and dropped them into my hand. Still looking right at her I brought them up to my face and inhaled deeply, holding the crumpled up little ball of lace against my nose. Then I slipped them into my jacket pocket and leaned forwards again, taking Sarah's hands in mine and pulling her forward so we were both on the edge of our seats, facing each other, knees almost touching. I moved my feet inside of hers and pushed outwards gentle parting her knees and thighs a little. Placing her hands on my knees a leaned in a little more and slowly slid my hands up her silk clad legs under the hem of her skirt until I found her soft warm thighs. There I stopped my upwards journey and slowly, lightly stroked the insides of her legs as I started whispering in her ear.

"You are going to go home tonight, alone. I'm not going to come with you this time. I want you to think about all of this and what I am about to tell you. About what I am going to do to you. I'm going to have you stand while I take your clothes off and touch your body however I like. I'm going to pull your tits, not breast, tits out of the top of your bra then I'm going to stand behind you and reach around and play with them."

I paused for breath, excited that I was finally saying this, "I'm going to stroke them and squeeze them. I'm going to run my fingertips around and around the edge of your nipples and torment them, until you beg me to touch them. Then I'm going to squeeze both of those gorgeous, full, puffy little nubs until you squeal." Sarah actually moaned at that and I felt her head move very slightly against mine.

I went on, "Once I have your nipples nice and hard and sensitive, I'll pull down your skirt. I'll have you take your knickers off though. I want to stand behind you as you pull them down your straight legs until they're round your ankles and you are bent over double. I'll make you stay like that while I stroke your arse and slide a finger between your legs. Do you think you'll be wet for me, Sarah?" I ask.

"Yes," she croaked.

"Are you wet for me now Sarah?" I asked her quietly, "is your bad girl little pussy all wet for me?"

She nodded into my shoulder.

"Show me," I told her, "use your fingers and show me how wet you are."

Sarah's head shook, no but her hands were moving almost of their own accord as one held her skirt out of the way and the other slid up her thighs and into darkness. I few moments later the hand emerged, and she looked at me unsure what to do next.

"Show me," I said, "hold your fingers in front of me so I can see, so I can smell and so I can taste just what a dirty little girl you really are, Sarah."

With a genuine whimper she lifted a shaking hand to hold in about six inches from my face. I looked at it and I confess I was somewhat shocked, but certainly no more shocked I think than Sarah was. Her first two fingers were coated in her sticky drool, webbing slightly between them. I took hold of her hand and with the other lifted her chin so she was looking right at me as I pulled it closer inhaled deeply and then sucked those fingers into my mouth.

I don't think I had ever been more turned on in my life than I was right then. I was so fucking hard, I could have cut glass with my cock. Stealing myself I finished the job at hand and leaned in again to whisper to her some more.

"By Monday the following will be true. You will have been tied up and you will have begged me to do all kinds of things to you. I will have fucked you hard, doggy style. I will have fucked you bent over a table. I will have fucked you with your legs bend back over your head." I took a moment to steal myself for the next part, "By Monday you will never be able to truthfully claim that you've never had anal sex because I am going to have tied you bent face down over the edge of a table, knees tied to the table legs and I am going to tease your cunt until you beg me and then I am going to bugger you. I am going to fuck your arse and cum deep inside you."

Sarah was breathing heavily and at that last she let out a groan. I sat back and said "I think you need another moisture check Sarah. This time though I think you should have a taste yourself. Make the most of it though because it will be the last time you are allowed to touch yourself sexually until I say otherwise."

Hands shaking a little, Sarah repeated her earlier collection process hesitantly lifting her fingers up to her lips then obviously deciding to get it over with slipped them straight into her mouth and sucked them clean quickly before sitting back on the seat and putting her hands in her lap, like a good girl would sit.

I moved back next to her and slipped my arm around her feeling such overwhelming affection for her that I was rendered speechless for a while. What must it have taken, have cost her to do this tonight? To not just step but jump with both feet so far outside what I know her comfort zone to be.

For me!

"Good Girl," I whispered in her ear as I moved to gently, lovingly kiss her cheek, "this is your stop coming up. Message me when you get home, and remember, no touching."

As she stepped out onto the platform I gave her a small wave through the window and sat back. I was only one short stop further on but Sarah would be home before I got off the train most likely. Almost before the train was moving though my phone lit up with an incoming message.

23:18 Sarah: Umm, forgot to mention that I am heading up to mum and dad's tomorrow lunchtime. I have a long weekend so I had planned to be up there. They are expecting me. I am so sorry.

23:19 Sarah: I so want to try and do this though.

23:19 Sarah: The breeze is making my dirty wet pussy all cold 🙁

23:21 Me: I am really pleased you want to try this. But I meant everything I said and either I will do all of those things with you before Monday or this is over before it has begun.

23:22 Me: I guess I'll pack a weekend bag and book Monday off work. It's been a while since I played golf with your dad. 😊

23:23 Sarah: Oh God! Okay.

23:24 Sarah: Thank you for giving me another chance...

23:24 Sarah: Sir (?)

Logistics the next day didn't favour me and I found myself pulled into a number of late meetings which meant that traveling with Sarah to her parents wasn't going to happen which was a shame as I'd planned some fun for the trip. So now, I was going to travel up by train and catch up with her later that evening.

Despite being pulled into unwanted meetings I had spent another somewhat unproductive day in the office mulling over the night before and constantly fighting down a recurrent hard on. I would normally cum at least three times a day either from sex or self-abuse and since I had been holding back I was starting to get a bit antsy.

14:50 Me: Hey S. My train is due to get at 19:28. I'll see you at the station. J. x