All Comments on 'ArtGravity Ch. 01'

Making it in second person detracts from the story. As the reader, I don't want to be involved In the story because "I" wouldn't say what your antagonist said or do what she did.

Next time put it in third or even first person.

First commenter hd it right.??????

No more needs to be said.

...almost impossible to understand. You should quit 2nd Person.

Well, I suppose the reading public has spoken. Rating barely better than 2.5. My first submission bombs. I'll look into removing it. At least I won't bother you with any others.

This was very hard to understand, why did you do it in second person? They are always hard to understand, don't give up, just try it from a different point of view.

... although, it wasn't a great surprise when the husband turned out to be the cyber lover. Don't give up just yet but do try to make your next offering a little more conversational between your characters. This will make it seem more like a story and less like a newspaper article. Hang in there because we desperately need new blood on this site.

You're a writer, ArtGravity. You've got to get some thick skin. You're gonna get slammed. We all do. Trust me on this one. I've had my share of caustic comments, it's part of the process.

Rather than saying you heard the comments, and will pull your story, I suggest taking the comments to heart.

Writing second person stories is extremely difficult to make work. Yours isn't the only one that ever got slammed for trying that. Other than audio stories, I can't remember a single successful one on the site. Think about it. As a man, when I see someone write:

"You begin to suck my cock, trying to look around. I grab the back of your head and push you down, forcing you to focus on me and not gagging."

As you might imagine, I'm turned off. I'm not sucking your cock, I have no interest in sucking your cock. By choosing 2nd person, you've eliminated half your readership. A lot more, in this case, since there appear to be significantly more male readers than female.

To draw the reader into your erotic story, first person works extremely well. Write from the male or female perspective, and let us know what you're thinking, seeing, feeling, smelling. Add more than a dozen lines of dialogue. If you want, third person works as well, but it's a little more difficult to pull of really well, without making mistakes in POV.

What I'm trying to say is: Don't take the comments as a personal affront. I believe this story written from the female perspective could be quiet good. Give it another shot. Keep writing and keep learning.

Sincerely TTT

As others have stated it was hard to read BUT more important to this site it was story about a husband not taking shit from his wife. A story line in very short supply lately. In addition it had a cute ending. As TTT said don't quit learn from each attempt. Good luck in the future

As others have said, 2nd person is not for these stories. First or third work best. The concept of him being the cyber lover is good, but I would have withheld that info. Using another couple ruined it for me. She was caught emotionally cheating, but why did he suspect her? There was no build up you dove straight into it. Think about the song Kokomo and how that would work in your story context.

All in all not a bad first effort once you switch the perspective to first.

As txtt said, "You sucking in my cock" is just plain gross.

Don't give up Don't yet. If you wish read mikoli, katmai,carvohi, they write fairly well, BUT they all hurry or fuck up the ending by changing the character. In yours we know nothing.

Good luck

2nd Person storytelling isn't all that it's cracked up to be. 1st or 3rd Person is the way you want to go, Art.

That said, it wasn't bad as far as 2nd Person tales go.

3 Stars

Triple T is right. How you deal with getting slammed is up to you. I tend to make fun of the straight up bashers, but that's not for everybody. lol

Hell, the only time I'll bash a tale is when there is no redeeming quality about it whatsoever. You have talent as a writer, since this was easier to read than a lot of 2nd Person narratives. Don't lose hope. :)

A Pity that, it could have been better.

the word Artgravity was the spoiler...... The name of the Tale, the Author's name, and the name of the Internet friend.

From the start we knew it was him on the other end of the computer (well duh), the only surprise was which direction would the story take. ... Pedestrian concept.

Question now is .. which way will the tale lead, with the neighbour.

The thought arises to ask " what was he supposed to be doing (working?) while seducing his wife on the net. and as a twist, "Can he also net-seduce the neighbour?" with a revelation in chapter 2's ending

Cheers and Thanks

Kilroy

When Anon is right, ya gotta agree with herhim!

Besides that, it is just the wishlist of a frustrated person who cannot figure out how to 'get Spouse on-board' the fantasy train. Why was she in such a cyber-relationship in the first place? What did she claim to be getting out of it?

If I were to engage in such nefarious entrapment with my spouse (horrors!) I think I could milk it for MUCH better payoff than one-time confrontation, followed by full disclosure! But, of course, I would NEVER stoop so low!!! TMSAIS2I. ...sticking to it!

AG, you don't have to pack up and go home just because some people criticized your story. When you write, expect criticism. What you do with it is the key. Ignore the bitter and cruel... it's the Internet, man. But when a lot of people tell you the same thing over and over again it might be wise to pay attention and use their criticism to become a better writer. I've read all the comments and, for the most part, the comments were thoughtful and helpful. They didn't say 'don't write' they said 'here's how you can make your writing better.'

And so what that you got a low rating. It's your first time up to bat--did you really think you were going to hit it out of the park?

I write for a living and everyone is a critic--the account people, my creative director, the clients (oh God, the clients), even the freakin' proofreader when we're getting down to a final version--they all have a kick at the can. Writing here or as a job--it doesn't matter--people will always have an opinion.

If you're writing for glory and compliments, then maybe you should stop. However, if you want to learn how to become better at it then suck it up and give us the next chapter already.

You guys are right. And thank you for the encouragement. I was hoping for a bit better, sure, but never expected perfect.

I don't plan to load part 2 on this story (already written in the same style). Thus, I don't want to repeat a mistake.

That said, let me work on my next concept and I'll get back to you.

After this. fiasco, looks like AntiGravity just floated away.