Awkward Response

Perhaps this might be better in the forum section, but due to its length I think it is better here.

I will tell the true story of a recent encounter that, upon reflection, has made me feel bad. I am hoping that each and everyone of you dear readers will comment and let me know your thoughts. Did I do right? Did I do wrong? What would you have done differently?

I am transgender- living in a society where they are both acknowledged and stigmatized. I live 85% of my time as a woman. My wife is accepting in private, intolerant in public. As a consequence of wanting to save my marriage, I try to be the "man" she married so I no longer appear as a woman when we are together. Friends know me as trans, we have partied as such, but that was in the past. I live now; a man around her and a woman when not around her.

I have sought out sex with men. I have put myself in places where men seek me out for sex. I have looked forward to and I have enjoyed it. Except for two individuals, it has been NSA. Those two, in their minds, developed a fondness and became quite close to me. How do I know? Our trysts included kissing, that's how. I reciprocated superficially, knowing that they, nor I, would ever give up our wives to be with each other. With them, our relationship was sexual. Happy to see other. Interest in the well-being of each other. Caring for each other, but not in a romantic or intimate long-term relationship manner.

Having said that I a recent experience that caused me reflect on my transgenderness and how much I have to learn and far I have to go in dealing with relationships from the female perspective.

I was shopping two weeks ago, just prior to the implementation of both self-isolation and social distancing. I was at a big box retail, should have been stocking up but wasn't really. I was wearing tight capri denim leggings, a black and white striped, just off the shoulder, long-sleeved boat-neck top. My usual single strand of pearls and matching earrings. I had on open toed two-inch heels. Perhaps over the top for Costco, but I also had a few other errands and, why not always try to look your best.

I had done my shopping, including a new camisole set, and made my way to the elevator. It was out of order so I had to take the ramp down to lower level parking area under the store. I was walking back to my car when I developed a pain in my left foot. Damn, it hurt every time I took a step. Not really paying attention just working on my girly walk, mincing with a limp or was it, limping with a mince, using my cart for balance. I stopped at my car and realized there was a young man about twenty-feet behind me. He was quite handsome. I popped the rear hatch, was about to begin unloading, when I heard him ask if I needed any help.

I turned around as he approached and stopped a respectful distance apart. I saw then he was probably about 30, had a store ID badge and a wonderful smile.

The exchange went something like this.

"I saw you were limping. Can I help you with that?"

"No, I think I can manage."

"I saw you in the store and followed you, hoping to meet you and introduce myself."

"Really. How sweet."

"Do you shop here often?"

"No. Not really. Just when I need certain things."

"You look marvelous."

I got a bit flustered at the persistent line of compliments. I am sure I blushed and stammered a reply something like.

"Thank you. I try to keep up appearances. I need to work at it."

'No, you don't. You are very pretty. I am very interested in getting to know you."

"Well I have to try. Since I am a bit special."

"I know. But I still want to get to know you."

I must have blushed again. If he had said he wanted me to suck his cock or to kneel on the backseat so he could fuck me, I would have been all for it. This romantic respectful interest - in getting to know me without a sexual overture - was new. I had been asked out on dates and propositioned many times but always with sex as the ultimate act. If you are wondering...my Truth or Fantasy series is 90% true. So you get an idea what a slut I am. I smiled back at him. My mind was a bit of a blank.

"That is very kind. I see you work here."

"Yes. I am full-time for the last 3 years. I have not seen you before."

"That's because I am not really a regular shopper. When do you work?"

"I work Tuesdays to Saturdays. Usually 11am to 7. Like today for instance."

"Nice. When I do come, it varies on time. I have no set routine or preferred schedule."

"No. I mean it. Perhaps we could meet some time and talk."

"Mmm...not sure."

"My name is Joseph, perhaps I could get your number or give you mine?"

"I'd rather not."

"You sure?"

"Yes, but next time I am here, I will keep an eye out for you!" I replied and turning away from him, began to unload my purchases. He watched a while, gave me smile and began to leave.

"Take care." I offered with a little wave.

I finished up, put the cart in the storage area and climbed into the car. I sat a minute to try and understand what just happened. I backed out and driving down the aisle to the exit, I saw he was watching me closely. I gave him a wave and a smile and drove off.

My dilemma is as follows.

As a young boy I remember how hard it was to get the courage to approach a girl. As a young man, I remember how hard it was to approach a young woman. I cannot help but admire what it took for this young man to approach me.

As a man I was always hurt when turned down, believing it was me that they did not like.

As a woman, I was totally unprepared for this approach and wonder why I did not handle it better. It had nothing to do with him. He was cute, well spoken, respectful. It had to do with me. I was forth coming about, (well perhaps a bit obscure) about being trans. However, I did not mention to him that I was twice his age (but don't look it) and was married.

Upon reflection, I can only think that I could have handled it better. To let him know I was flattered. That, I appreciated his attention and interest. That, I could have been interested if I was not married. In fact, I could have been very interested.

Why didn't I? It was my first time being the recipient of such attention. I was naïve in this kind of a dealing? I didn't want him to know I was married so that I could flirt with him if I saw him again? I just feel bad and wanted to share what it was like on this side of the gender spectrum. I feel really bad if, after our, conversation, he took it personally. It had nothing to do with him. It was all on me.

Mea Culpa

Any advice dear readers?