Band of Brothers

I've wanted to tell this story for more than 12 years, but couldn't without hurting the people I love. But, they have finally agreed to let me talk about it as long as names, places and circumstances were changed.

My husband and I love each other very much and have each made sacrifices for the sake of our love. In fact, I've realized that all forms of love require some sacrifice. In our case, the conflict between two forms of love caused us to sacrifice and also savor the rewards of loving.

If you've seen the movie "Love, Actually" you've seen several examples of different types of love. The film can be a bit sappy, but it does show love in several forms beyond conventional couples sharing their lives together. One woman character sacrifices her own life and possible love with a man in order to support her emotionally disturbed brother. One man loves the character played by Kiera Knightley (who wouldn't love her?) but sacrifices his own desires for her because she is married to his best friend. Some couples work out easily together, others have to suffer because of their love.

In my case, my husband loved me emotionally, sexually and intimately, but he was also called by duty to another strong love. It wasn't another woman, it was another type of love altogether.

Dave Wilkins and I were both 27 when we met. I had previously been married for a short while and then divorced that mistake. I did learn from the experience though. I learned to appreciate a person's ability to care about others, and recognize when that caring wasn't present. The sex had been great, but even that became abusive after a year.

Dave had served in the army during the Iraq war. He and his high school buddies had joined together and somehow managed to serve together for almost 2 years. He had also learned many lessons from that experience.

We were introduced by my friend Amy at a Christmas party and just like Frank Sinatra said (or sang) we were strangers in the night. "Little did we know, love was just a glance away, a warm embracing dance away..." Yes, I know it sounds corny, but we both really fell for each other that night. We weren't drunk or trying to impress anybody, we just felt an emotional attachment when we looked into each other's eyes. I know any counselor would warn against intense, but short, relationships. Ours was intense, but lasted for the rest of our lives.

Dave was the CEO of a logistics services company. That means they helped other companies find better ways to move products and supplies to where they were needed, when they were needed. His experience in the army had taught him the importance of logistics to any organization. He and his four army buddies pooled their money to buy a money-losing company and then turned it into a very profitable enterprise. They renamed it Carson Logistics, in honor of one of their buddies who had been killed in Iraq.

We started dating the next week after meeting and were each thrilled to learn more and more about this new special person. I was certainly thrilled with his appearance and demeanor. He still had his army fitness going for him, he was very handsome and his confidence from running the company was exciting. I had been rather conservative in my past sex life and found his physical appeal very arousing. I still had my 22 year old body and Dave showed his appreciation for my shape and curves.

We discovered that we both liked mountain hiking and snow skiing. We both didn't like opera and NASCAR racing. Dave soon arranged for a double date with one of his buddies from the army who was the CFO of the company. Ron Armstrong and his wife Rosemary were certainly fun-loving and easy to like. Rosemary and I soon bonded and traded gossip about the company and our men. I learned from her about the unusual comradery and closeness of the 5 army buddies who now ran Carson Logistics.

Over the first few weeks, Dave and I spent an increasing amount of time together. We both enjoyed the activities, but also savored the quiet times when we just cuddled and talked about ourselves and our dreams. It was during those times that Dave slowly opened up about his experiences in Iraq.

I learned that the 6 high school friends (Dave, Ron, Charlie, Denzel, Dan and Steve) had signed up together and requested to be assigned together. After basic training at Ft Benning, they had a short tour in Germany, then flew into Iraq. Like most soldiers who have seen combat, Dave was reluctant to talk about the hard parts -- and there were many hard parts. Over the years with Dave there were enough drunken parties with the buddies and depressed soul searching that I learned most of their horror stories -- and the reasons for their closeness.

They were in Iraq in 2006 when the Sunnis brought the fight back to the Americans and horrible things were done on all sides. House-to-house combat was terrifying and very dangerous. I heard many tales from Ron and Denzel describing desperate situations when their platoon was surrounded and snipers would try to pick them off. Many of those stories contained some acts of incredible bravery when one of the guys had saved one or more soldiers by putting their own life on the line.

Dan Slobin related a cliché story about one guy falling on a grenade to save his buddies. I've seen that in several war movies so I was pretty skeptical. But Ron later confirmed that when they were all trapped in a single room house awaiting reinforcements, a grenade smashed through the window and landed in the middle of the floor. If it had exploded it probably would have killed all of them. But one really brave guy, thinking first about his buddies threw his helmet over the grenade and jumped on top of it. Luckily the grenade was a dud and didn't explode and they threw it back through the window. But the guy who did that was my husband Dave. That's when I really began to understand the bond between these men.

Dave told me very few of the war stories. He didn't want to appear to be looking for sympathy or bragging as some men do -- generally not the ones who actually fought. But he did tell me one important story that explained much about the guys and their lives after the war.

Fallujah in 2006 was a hell-hole. Multiple armies and tribes were fighting each other for unclear reasons. Dave's platoon was assigned to work with an Iraqi platoon and teach them how to use a rocket launcher. In the midst of their lesson, the Iraqis were suddenly aiming their guns at the Americans and commanding them to drop their weapons and walk away from their firebase. They never did determine whether the bandits were actual Iraqi soldiers who had turned, or a bunch of mujahedeen that had stolen army uniforms.

They were marched several miles to a makeshift prison in a small town and forced into one small room. They lived there for several days -- literally sleeping on top of one another. They used a belt buckle to dig a hole in the corner where they would piss and shit. Because they all knew each other very well and had years of shared stories to retell, they somehow maintained their sanity.

Denzel had picked up a bit of Arabic and constantly tried to monitor what their jailers were talking about. One day, he suddenly stiffened. "I think they want to kill us now", he stammered. Sure enough, the door was opened minutes later and they were ordered to march out. When they got outdoors the jailers paused to organize themselves for the march to their destination. The Americans took the moment to orient themselves and tried to find a way out. One guy was quicker than the others.

Charlie Carson leaped on a young jailer and wrestled the gun away from him. "Everybody run!" he screamed. He swung the gun toward the other jailers and opened fire, killing several of them. He saw that his buddies had started running east out of town, so he ran west into the town, firing the gun repeatedly. The remaining frustrated jailers chased after him -- ignoring the other 5 Americans running away. As the escaped soldiers ran, they heard bursts of gunfire in the town for several minutes, then silence, then a loud victory cheer by a crowd of people.

Knowing they couldn't outrun vehicles across the open land, they went to ground in a cement-covered drainage ditch -- actually a sewage ditch. The confused Iraqis didn't find them and when darkness fell, the 5 stinking bodies crawled away into the night. They had walked at least 10 miles before one of them collapsed. They had all not eaten for days. They picked him up and did a two-man carry for another mile. Then the carriers collapsed. The two remaining ambulatory decided to stay with the group and face the consequences with them. (I heard this story separately from all 5 of the guys over several years. No one ever identified who had collapsed and who remained.)

Their luck changed at dawn when an American reconnaissance unit ran across them -- almost literally. They were evacuated to Baghdad and then flown to Ramstien airbase in Germany for medical treatment and psychological recovery. Since they had only 2 months left in their hitch, they were all honorably discharged and returned home -- all except Charlie.

When they got home they found that none of them had jobs, but they had some money since they hadn't had much opportunity to spend their pay in Iraq. Dave had applied for a job at the local trucking and warehouse company, and found the place a disorganized mess. The man who interviewed him just complained about the stupid owners and admitted he was also out looking for a new job.

Dave's organization skills kicked right in. He researched the firm and learned they had been losing money for years and the owners had tried to sell it -- with no success. He convinced his buddies to each pitch in some money and went to the owners with a proposal. They would buy the business with the cash and a promissory note to pay most of the purchase price over the next 5 years. The desperate owners accepted and walked out the door.

Since the ex-soldiers had seen army logistics up close, they reorganized the business to be more efficient and expanded their services for customers. Most of the existing employees agreed to stay on at half wages for one year so the company, and their jobs, could survive. They changed the company name to Carson Logistics and installed a memorial to Charlie by the front door.

Steve used his considerable selling skills to find new customers. One local manufacturer had been shipping its products all over the country in its own trucks and was frustrated with the task of coordinating a hundred trucks and more hundreds of shipments to more hundreds of customers. Steve and Dave created a business proposal that took all of the logistical headaches away from the customer and provided excellent, reliable transportation service. Part of the price for the service was the fleet of a hundred trucks that could then be used for other customers.

So, the five ex-GIs, ex-high-school-buddies, ex-prisoners and now best friends created a growing business. Each of them had a role that suited their talents. Dave had always been the natural leader so he became CEO. There was no choice but smooth talker Steve for the Sales Exec. Ron had always had a head for numbers and easily slipped into the CFO role. Denzel was the most organized and so was made Chief Operations Officer to straighten out the company's overly complicated methods. Dan, the ladies' man and people person took over the HR department for hiring, training and staffing. He also got to design and manage the remodeling of the building.

By the time I met Dave, Carson Logistics was a multi-million dollar enterprise, and the five owners were all drawing six figure salaries, plus a profit sharing bonus. Surprisingly, it seemed that they never had any serious arguments. They all knew each other extremely well, respected each other's skills and trusted each other's judgement. That's a rare combination in any business -- or marriage.

I was very lucky to meet Dave and fall into this group of successful and caring men. Ron Langela was married to Rosemary and they had two sons: Sean and Charlie. Denzel Jackson had married Cecily about a year before and they were still in the honeymoon phase. Steve and Emily MacMillan had been high-school sweethearts and moved in together when the guys came home from Iraq. They had one daughter named Kate. Dan and Esther Slobin were still happily married after 4 years, but had no wish for children.

Dave and I dated for almost a year and that usually included one or more of the other couples. They welcomed me into their circle of friendship and I got along with all of them. Each of the women made the same comment when I was introduced to them as Dave's partner: "Oh, so you're the lucky one." I assumed they all respected Dave for his leadership traits. I often noticed a wink of an eye or a knowing smile among the ladies during conversations about sexual matters at our hen parties, but knew better than to ask about them.

In my talks with the women I got a sense for the closeness that the men felt toward each other. Cecily once said that the five of them were closer than any biological brothers could ever be. They discussed all big decisions together and didn't make any changes until all five had agreed. It's a cliché about how men's relationships are forged under the hammer of war -- but I witnessed a perfect example of it.

During our first year, Dave and I grew closer and I was able to overcome my prudish side. After a few celibate months we began enjoying each other sexually. He was a considerate and skilled lover and we learned how to please each other in the most sensuous ways. He had the ability to bring me to multiple orgasms and leave me completely sated. I was on the pill and we had both been tested and found clean, so we could enjoy completely uninhibited sex at any time. It was a wonderful time and I began to think about a long future with Dave.

Every so often the whole group of 10 of us spent a weekend at the company's cabin on Lake Gaston. It was a huge building, designed by Dan and custom built for the group. It was basically circular with a large open room in the middle. The kitchen was adjacent to the main room and there were two very large and elegant bathrooms at opposite sides of the room. There were also 5 large bedrooms, all opening on the main room. Each couple was permanently assigned to a specific bedroom.

Weekends at the cabin were wonderful. Ten good friends played games, swam in the lake, watched videos and laughed a lot. Everyone was comfortable in the company of their friends. Everyone had drinks, but no one ever got drunk. Dave was always sure to get me into our bedroom before the others went to bed so he could satisfy his arousal which always came on strong at the lake. After we would make love I sometimes lay awake with the window open so I could listen to the wind in the trees. But there were other natural sounds in the night as each couple moaned and screamed in their respective rooms. I was always surprised how long they went at it.

I soon suggested that we move in together to avoid the hassles of living in two homes. My place was pretty meager and I was embarrassed to have him over. At that time I was working an admin job at the county hospital and was paid a "living wage" -- though it was a very modest living. I loved spending the night at his place because I slept next to him -- and his luxurious bathroom was right in the bedroom.

But Dave always resisted moving in together and said the timing wasn't right yet. I felt that we both loved each other without reservation and should join our lives -- with or without marriage. After being rebuffed numerous times over several months, I finally sat him down and said those frightening words "We need to talk." I repeated the reasons that supported living together, and he agreed with every one. That's when I first detected a deeper resistance from him. So I pushed him to explain exactly what was wrong.

"I'm sorry, Carol," he murmured. "I love you very much and I guess the time has come to tell you more about my history and my situation. This is very difficult for me so please be patient. I have been engaged twice before. Both times the woman backed out when she learned the details of my life and my relationship with the other guys."

I was shocked that he had never mentioned his previous engagements. I felt a flutter of concern in the back of my head.

He continued, "You know that the five of us are extremely close. In Iraq and every day since we have looked out for each other in everything. We get along so well because we share everything, our ideas, our money, even our individuality. I'm sure you've realized that I am sort of the leader of our group. The other guys do look to me to ensure that our close group, our brotherhood, stays intact. It is the most important relationship in our lives. Can you understand that?"

I was again stunned, and had to ask the really crude question that came to mind. "Are you guys gay?"

Dave laughed and replied, "No, our relationship isn't physical at all. It's purely emotional. But it is vital to each of us that we continue our wonderful professional and personal relationships as long as we can. We are brothers in every sense except biological."

I assured him, "I certainly understand the closeness that you feel with your "brothers" and support it completely. So what is the problem?"

Now he paused and dropped his head. Clearly there was something awful that he had to say but struggled to bring himself to do it. He raised his head, looked me in the eyes, and with a pained expression he said, "We are brothers and we share everything."

"Ok", I replied, "I get that. But what is the problem?"

He stammered "Everything includes our women."

I understood the words he said, but it took several seconds to realize the implication for me. I just stared at him. My mouth was probably hanging open. I struggled to imagine the concept of the five brothers fucking each other's wives. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

Now that he had said the hard part, Dave continued to explain.

"Somewhere along the line we agreed that letting women come between us would be terrible. Sexual jealousy is a fact of life. It's part of the human condition. Two of us might compete for the same woman. What would we do if one man's woman decided she liked another one of us better?"

He paused to let that concept sink in, then continued, "We realized that the only way to prevent sexual jealousy was for all of us to share access to all of the women on a regular basis. If we could find women who would share in that philosophy we could all live together in peace -- and great sexual satisfaction."

He looked at me for a response, but I was still struggling to comprehend what he was explaining. My world valued fidelity in marriage. I could understand single people playing the field, I had done it myself. But, long term sharing your bed with multiple partners was unacceptable to me. I couldn't agree to that. Then I realized what this meant for our relationship and burst out crying. Dave put his arms around me, but I suddenly couldn't return the feeling and continued sobbing.

"I'm so sorry Carol. This is exactly what happened with the two women I had been engaged to. Just like you, they were shocked and disgusted -- and ran away. Oh Carol, I love you. Please don't run. Let us talk about this. There may be a way to accommodate the group without offending you. I have feared this moment ever since we met and fell in love. I have delayed telling you in order to have more days of happiness with you. That's why I kept putting off the idea of living together. I so wanted to avoid this moment. The thought of losing you is tearing me apart. I don't think I can live without you."