Beautiful Gifts, Small Packages Ch. 08

"Alright but you're paying," I informed him, hoping that concession would make him feel better.

I mentally sighed with relief when he smiled, looking considerably happier than a few moments before.

"Of course," he answered, sounding more self-assured. "So, what would you like to eat?"

*******

Twenty minutes later we were being seated in a quiet corner of a very expensive Italian restaurant, all because I'd asked for spaghetti. I felt incredibly underdressed and out of place but I tried to deal with it. Thomas was just starting to act normally and I wouldn't ruin things by making him feel bad for taking me somewhere way too pricey for a meal I could have tried to make myself. Though, admittedly, there was a good chance I would have burned everything and ruined it.

Despite his mood seeming more cheerful and tear free, Thomas was quiet on the drive to the restaurant and he remained quiet until the waiter came to take our order. He was usually so chatty and carefree when we hung out that I was beginning to miss the sound of his voice. I handed him my menu, letting him know he could order for me, which he did, and I felt a sense of relief when his deep voice came out steady and calm, like normal. I then waited for our waiter to be completely out of earshot before I tried to speak, only Thomas beat me to it.

"Have you ever been in love Riley or something like it? The kind of love where you'd do anything for the person.. even if it hurt you over and over? Even if the other person didn't care how they destroyed you? Or if they turned something you liked against you?"

I shrugged, "My ex was pretty selfish, and I was fairly naive, but I don't think that I actually loved him even if I thought I did at the time. It wasn't true love anyways and I never would have intentionally let him fuck me over the way he did," I answered, trying to tactfully get out of admitting that I was in love now and that I really would do anything for Thomas.

Thomas looked a little annoyed by the mention of my ex but that look went away the moment I admitted to not being in love with him.

"Yes.. I think that makes sense. It was a bit different for me, with.. my ex. I mean, I was in love with him and I genuinely thought he loved me at the time, because I was an idiot. Now I know that love could never look like what he felt about me and I'm glad I got out of that mess."

I held my breath for a moment. Thomas rarely talked about his past relationships, especially the one from freshman year that started him on his bdsm journey. I hoped I was about to learn more and that what I learned could somehow help me to be a better Dom for him. Though, at the same time, I wasn't eager to hear about him being intimate with other men. Especially if one them was a man that he once loved.

"What were things like, between the two of you?" I pushed gently when he didn't speak again.

"I don't want to tell you," he answered quickly, turning pale.

"Oh.. okay," I replied, feeling foolish for even asking.

Thomas closed his eyes for a moment, looking every bit as distressed as he had when explaining his need to be punished. "You won't look at me the same if I tell you. You'll be disgusted with me. You'll see how weak I really am. You'll want someone else."

I laughed in disbelief over hearing my own words back at me. "What are you talking about? You're literally the perfect boyfriend."

He sighed helplessly, "I love how you see me. I don't want to lose that. No one I've been with has ever thought so highly of me or looked at me the way you do."

"Well then you've been dating losers," I replied hotly, but bit my tongue when the server showed up with our drinks, salads and a bowl of breadsticks.

"I can see that," he replied when we were alone once more.

"Hey, you know I'm only asking for details because I care about you.. right?" He nodded in understanding but remained quiet so I tried a different tactic. "I.. I.. wrote a contract.. about us and this whole thing we're doing now."

"What, why?" Thomas asked, with a look of utter confusion across his handsome face.

"Well.. you started it," I teased, delighted when he rolled his eyes back at me. "Like I said, you brought a list of limits," Thomas blushed but, refusing to let him be embarrassed, I continued. "And.. I.. I thought it was a good idea and I want to do this with integrity. I don't know how it's been for you before, though you know I'd like to, and I know I'm basically a baby Dom for how little I know but I will do my best to be the most perfect Dom for you. So... in accordance with that... I saw a sample of a contract and it just made sense to me that I should write one for us."

I cringed when he still looked shock but pushed on, wanting him to see my side of things. "It's not like it's legally binding or anything crazy. It's just to help set parameters.. you know, before the heat of the moment. Especially since.. well, you look so lost the second I do anything just a tiny bit dominant and I need to know everything before we both get caught in the moment and I cross any lines I shouldn't. I feel like I fucked up earlier and your tears and silence only confirm that. I hate being afraid of what your behavior means and I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you. I feel like we've done that enough in this relationship. I want to know what's happening so I can take care of you. I'm the Dom so I'm meant to take most of the responsibility. I accept that and this is my way of holding up my end. I don't want to accidentally hurt you. I never want to be like anyone that's used this to hurt you. I want to do things the right way so that we can become even closer than we are. I don't want to break what we have as a couple.. I want to strengthen it because- well, I.. I.. I really like you." I blushed, having nearly admitted that I was in love with him but Thomas didn't seem to notice my slip, thank god.

"I'm not.. used to this. I even played with a guy that claimed to be a professional Dom and he never even mentioned the idea of a contract. It sounds like something you'd only find in a popular literotica story... probably about werewolves," Thomas replied softly.

"I don't know what you're talking about but that "Dom" sounds like he was a fake to me," I told him, feeling a little furious that he hadn't tried harder to protect himself and that he told me about it while making a joke. I was serious about this. "Plenty of couples write boundaries for their play, I just wanted something more formal. Felt more my style. Will you read it? You can change or add anything you want, as long as we talk about it first."

"I'd like to. I'm curious to see what you've come up with. It's barely been a day and you're already so... into your role and I honestly think it's really hot. See, I told you this would work," he answered in a teasing manner that made me feel much more relaxed.

"It's going better than I ever dreamed it would. But babe, I really need to you talk to me. That's part of the reason I wrote a contract. To make things easier on both of us but I feel like I'm missing a lot of information. You've been extremely sensitive ever since I handcuffed you a few days ago. What am I missing? What is it about all this that makes you so jumpy but you can't stay away?"

"It's just stuff I'll get over eventually. I am in therapy you know," he reminded me quickly and I knew he didn't want to say more but I pushed harder. This was important.

"Well, until I know what's got you so high strung that anything I do can hurt your feelings, I'm not doming you again," I revealed. "I don't feel comfortable continuing with this until I understand everything."

His eyes widened for a moment but then he nodded obediently in agreement. "That's fair," he replied. "But I have my own stipulations. If I tell you, I won't say every detail, just the one's I feel impacted me most and I don't want to talk about it here. This... this is private. You can't expose anyone involved and you can't talk to anyone but me about it. And.. finally, if you decide I'm not the type of man you want... if you lose respect for me, then I'm not sure how we can continue to be together. I'm not saying I want to break up, because I really, really don't want to do that, but I can't take the thought of being your toy while you fuck someone else. I won't live like that.. not again."

I reached across the table to hold one of his large palms in both of mine. I squeezed tight and then pressed a kiss to his knuckles before speaking. "No matter what you tell me, I'll still see you the same way I do now. My perfect boy. You accepted everything about me. Why wouldn't I do the same for you?" I promised, and I meant every word.

*******

Thomas's Pov:

I couldn't help my silence as I drove Riley back to the hotel and I berated myself for it. He was being amazing about everything, despite my behavior, and I'd been achingly hard for him all night, even after he'd forced me into pissing myself. I wanted to tell him how much I liked what he did, especially once he assured me that I hadn't fucked the scene up. Though, I still felt like I'd gotten away with something I shouldn't have when he didn't punish me again.

My ex liked to hurt me if I fucked up a scene, to the point that I'd be screaming and crying like a baby, begging for mercy. When he got pissed off, he was incredibly cruel and enjoyed torturing me more than anyone I'd ever been with. Mistakes equaled pain and humiliation. Always. I tried hard to never make them but he often set me up to fail. Why did I stay? Sometimes I still ask myself that and I don't have a good answer, except that I was so completely obsessed with how he made me feel, that I loved him more than my own suffering. All I wanted was to serve him and for him to love me for it. Then everything I did for him wouldn't feel so bad. Maybe the things I did for him, made me unlovable to him? Maybe he wanted someone with more of a spine? Well, I had that now and it lead me to feeling nearly apathetic about him. I was proud of that. There was just one issue, unfortunately, he still lived in the house with me, so his abuse remained fresh in my mind whenever I tried to be submissive with anyone else; even after all this time.

Only, Riley was completely different from him. He was safe, right? I felt a little silly for how easily I was being triggered by my bad experiences when Riley had done nothing wrong. I hated how vulnerable and emotional I had been tonight and that he had seen me in multiple weak moments. It was stupid to cry just because I couldn't be figure out how to be perfect for him and I felt lame for needing him to talk me down; even if I did appreciate it more than I knew how to express. I opened my mouth to say that, or to even apologize, but then Riley put his hand on the back of my head and began to play with my hair and I changed my mind. This was much more soothing than rehashing my embarrassing reactions. I really needed to get better at controlling how deep I fell into my submissive role. It wasn't fair to have Riley deal with me when I was out of it. Not when he was so new to things and seemed to have one foot halfway out the door. He had described it as me looking lost, which meant I probably hadn't been able to think very clearly and as much as I loved subspace, I hated putting my boyfriend in the position to take care of me like that since he was hell bent on not using me right now.

And what if he wants to take care of you? A tiny voice in the back of my mind wondered. That is what he keeps saying.

Well.. it didn't really matter, did it? Not if there was a chance he would change his mind about me. If it were anybody else, I wouldn't even think of sharing my past but Riley seemed like he genuinely cared and I'd never had that before. Not with a boyfriend anyways and yet I still couldn't shake the fear of him thinking less of me.

But he's writing a contract... that little voice continued.

Yes.. a contract. I felt my face heat up and I hoped Riley didn't notice. I wasn't ready to spill how special it had made me feel to hear him say that. He seemed to care about his role in this as much more than just a way to teach me a lesson or as a way to prove his masculinity. Maybe everything would be really good this time? Before I knew it, we were back at the hotel and my heart began to race as I contemplated how to tell him everything. I slowly got out of the car and was grateful when Riley stayed put for me to open his door. That small act of service put me more at ease than I cared to admit. Riley smiled sweetly at me when I helped him out of the car and then placed my arm around his shoulders as he attached himself to my hip, his arm around my waist.

"It's cold and you're my big, warm teddy bear," he offered as an explanation.

I chuckled happily, beyond pleased to be holding him so close and keeping him warm, even if it was a little difficult to walk like that. As we walked, my mind started to get loud and chaotic once more. I knew Riley expected an explanation when we got back to the room and, though I agreed he deserved one, the thought of spilling my past made me feel sick. I rarely thought back to the events that had awakened my struggle with submission. In fact, I rarely let myself think of past submissions at all. Even with all the therapy, new experiences and time for healing, I still hated myself for my desire to submit to another man's whims.

It was easier with Riley, for now, but once I admitted the truth, he might see how much he could get away with. He had admitted to wanting to dominate me from the beginning. While that excited me, it also made me nervous. Maybe he was just being sweet to because we were dating and I accepted him completely. Once he became more used to having me at his beck and call, maybe his appetite for domination would run darker and maybe my past hurts would become his inspiration. I shouldn't get comfortable with him being nice about it, like I had with my ex.

"What's going on in there?" Riley asked, lightly tapping my forehead.

I blinked and looked around, finally realizing that we were back in our room.

"Too much," I admitted with a sigh. "But I suppose we should get this over with. Do you mind not looking at me while I say all this? And maybe.. you could hold me?" I asked hopefully. I could feel my face burn red when my requests came out all needy and pitiful, causing my voice to crack, and hated myself for acting so weak and pathetic. "You don't have too," I quickly added, feeling ridiculously self-conscious.

"Of course I do! You need me and I'll always be there for you baby. Come on, lay down with me," Riley answered, pulling me to the bed.

I could feel when he tried to tug me down towards the mattress and let myself fall how he wanted. Riley snuggled up close and pressed a kiss to my neck before wrapping his arm around my belly, spooning me. I nearly lost it right then and there, having never been held like this before. I felt so cared for right now but would it last?

"You know you're safe, don't you?" He asked gently, as if reading my mind. "You've always tried to make me feel safe and comfortable and wanted. I will appreciate that for as long as I live. In return, I will always be a safe place for you."

I wanted to believe him, so I took a deep breath and forced myself to speak.

"I guess it all really started at after my first horrible breakup," I began, shivering as the memories came over me. "I'd turned eighteen the day first day of rush and I had just been dumped by the same boy I'd dated during the last three years of high school. I'd felt like something was missing in the relationship and had tentatively asked him if he thought he might want to fuck me. He could be in control for once." I continued, cringing at how cold my ex had looked when I admitted that I wanted to bring submission into our relationship. "We tried it and I begged him for certain things... that he found unappealing. After he finished, he left me hard and went off on me for being disgusting. He called me a "weak ass pussy" for wanting to be dominated by him. He told me he only stayed with me because he loved getting fucked by my huge cock and now I'd ruined it for him. He could never look at me the same. He didn't respect me anymore and he could do so much better. I was crushed but I decided to use rush to get over him.

So I.. I based my decision on what house to pledge because of a party during rush. I met my ex there and he was charming and handsome and he flirted with me all night even though he was a little older. He had such a powerful way about him and I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. He somehow convinced me to suck his cock and he controlled every second of what happened; though it probably helped that he was feeding me shots all night before that. Um.. h-he came all over my face and made me thank him for it," I nearly whispered, feeling incredibly awkward to be telling my boyfriend details like this. "What he did felt... well, I asked him what house he belonged to. I just had to be near more of his energy, I couldn't help myself. He wouldn't tell me until I was down on my knees with my face in his asscrack, begging to know and calling him Master. He told me eventually, after he had some fun at my expense, and also informed me to keep him in mind as my big brother during pledging."

I noticed when Riley stiffened against me but I pressed on, needing to get this over with. "I don't really want to get into hazing except to say that a lot of it was doing disgusting things for the brothers, some of it sexual. The sexual stuff was optional but doing it increased your chances of getting initiated. I... I did everything that was asked of me. I won't get into every sick little detail but I the point I'm trying to make is that I had never been treated like that before. I'd never been forced to do something or grovel at another man's feet and I-I'm ashamed to say but I loved it. For nearly six weeks I was passed around in the name of brotherly bonding. I felt so at ease whenever someone would use me. I wasn't responsible or capable of anything but fulfilling their naughty desires and that felt utterly freeing. I was drunk or fucked up on something every single time, I mean, pledges are rarely encouraged to stay sober. So, I wasn't sure if there was more to it than that. Two weeks in, I was assigned my Big Brother, the same guy from the party. He... uh.. also happened to be the first brother that fucked me, though I didn't know that at the time. Honestly though, the being passed around is why I refuse to do hookups now, for I'd end up in my bed feeling so lonely afterwards. I... I like being held," I admitted, as if it was something more shameful than everything I'd ever submitted myself to. "My goal has always been to be in a real relationship, even though I haven't had much success. I hate being left alone at the end of the night. Like, you can fuck me and treat me like your whore but sleeping with me is too much?" I asked out loud with a false laugh. "Not that I was ever cuddled to sleep by my ex, but I did learn a lot about myself with him." I admitted sadly. God I used to be pathetic.

"He continued to haze me in the time we spent apart from the rest of the fraternity but it was.. different and often in secret. It was also confusing because sometimes he'd be really sweet and friendly and easygoing but other times he'd be furious with me and he'd try his best to make me cry. It was like, just when I thought I knew how to please him, he pulled the rug out from under me. His hazing was often physical and very sexual in nature and I found myself slowly craving more of his harsh treatment of me. I eventually realized I'd gotten myself tangled up in a bdsm relationship, where I was the unknowing, innocent sub trying desperately to please his Dom.