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*Whew! That's the end of Chapter 5. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Leave feedback, comments, hell even email me with your concerns about the future for Bee and David. I absolutely love talking to you guys. Til then, one love ~CoCo*
- COMMENTS
Anonymous11 months agoYou have managed to bring out a truly wonderful story line. But once again, you're proof reader, if you have one is letting you down! Silly spelling mistakes as well as grammar mishaps, is spoiling the overall nuance of the story!
However, it does not detract from the great story line. And, this is a story that can run and run! Ad infinitum! So don't end this great story, before you show the two main characters enjoying their lives together. Please.
Anonymousabout 7 years agoI have been waiting a very long time for the rest of this story. It has a good story line and I can't wait to see who else wants Bianca. It seems like every guy wants her. I hope she continues to open up to David because he really cares about her. I am so ready to know what is happening. Five stars
Anonymousover 9 years agoI keep checking back on this story hoping for an update. Please finish this story for your readers.
black_maestraalmost 11 years agoI complained about CocoChinaDoll's typos, but then in my lengthy comment, I left a few as well... auto correct on my iPad makes too many assumptions... lol. Oh well.
black_maestraalmost 11 years agoI want to list the good and the challenges for sake of the story.
1. I like your story, but some of your typos (for an example: moreso) throw the sentence off. You mentioned that David's family is prejudice, I have yet to see how that bit of info affects the story. I think it was an unnecessary tidbit, but then your story isn't done yet, so it may come up or be needed later to explain some reactions.
2. Also, you have yet to explain the root of Bianca's issues. By chapter 5, i think it's time to explain what happened totge mom and where is her dad (Deadbead or just dead). We all have issues, but get to them, I find myself skimming over probably
good sentences and paragraphs trying to locate when you explain her problems.
3. I love David's slightly stalkerish/possessive personality. You've nailed him. But the the me are always easy to build upon.
4. Throwing in family members here and there, I realize it is a writing technique for suspense, Yet, I find it annoying trying to figure out who Ramsey belonged to since Coco referred to Bee being a virgin, though 'momma Bee' kind of alluded to him not being her's.
Don't get me wrong, I think this story is good; and I hope this can be seen as constructive criticism.
5. This is only my opinion, but It was hard for me to believe a drug dealer who owns a town... by his own words... would be intimidated by a 5'2" woman that could man handle him. Or that her overprotective brother would remain friends with him, let alone invite him to her birthday party, knowing she can't stand him. To introduce the character Darryl, they could have had a run in at her bus stop, just a suggestion.
I realize I wrote a lot, but I want your story to flow.
