Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

I tried to swallow the sudden lump in my throat as I leaned my head back on the back of the swing and gazed at the underside of the awning over our heads. It's funny how emotions from so long ago can spring forth in less than a heartbeat sometimes. In a gravelly voice that I almost didn't recognize as my own I responded.

"Which time?" I managed to choke out with a humorless half laugh.

"Maybe the first?" Sarah offered by way of a question.

"It would probably make more sense that way I suppose." She added after a heartbeat, and gently nuzzled her head further into my shoulder as if to lend me a little bit of comforting encouragement.

"Her name was Michelle..." I began, and told her of my first true love and how we met in high school, only to be separated by a move to another county and another school. Later how we reunited while both working with two very dear and special teachers. I told Sarah about the special tutoring and lessons that we had with these teachers and how they became more than family to both of us... and sadly... the way that it all came to an end thanks to a senseless traffic accident caused by a drunk driver. All the while I spoke and told my tale, Sarah remained silent and her head nestled on my shoulder. A shoulder that had become damp with tears from my dear friend as she was overwhelmed by the emotions she felt for me and my dear loved ones and my loss.

"Oh Jim... that was so tragic... I'm so sorry..." Sarah said with a sniffle and squeezed my hand fiercely.

"But there's more... more recently... isn't there?" She asked quietly, lifting her head from my shoulder and turning to look at the side of my face.

I turned my head to face Sarah, with sad eyes and a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. I looked back to the grill and then drained my wine glass. I pried my fingers loose from her hand and placed my empty glass in her left hand. Looking back into her eyes I saw nothing but sympathy and love along with her hopeful curiosity. Closing my eyes again and taking a deep breath I spoke.

"I'm gonna need another glass for that, and I should probably get the chops on the grill, the coals are ready to cook now." I said standing up and busying myself with spreading the glowing red-hot coals about the bottom of the little Smoky Joe grill. I dropped the grill surface into the kettle and waited for it to heat up. I looked around Dave's gas grill and found his wire brush and scraper. I cleared my throat and spoke loudly enough for Sarah to hear me in the kitchen.

"Could you bring some paper towels and the olive oil with you too?"

A couple of moments later Sarah stepped out of the sliding glass doorway with paper towels and the bottle of olive oil in one hand and the two wine glasses in her other hand with the wine bottle in the crook of her left arm pressed to her side. She smiled at me halfheartedly as if not to scare me off of my intent to tell her yet more of my past... my pain. I smiled just as halfheartedly and accepted the oil and paper towels. I whetted the towels with a little oil and then rubbed them on the grill surface prepping it for the chops. After I had settled both chops onto the grill and covered it with the kettle top and cracked the vent so that it would "breathe", I turned reluctantly and went back to the swing where Sarah was sitting again.

Once seated again Sarah handed me my empty glass back and then poured some of the wine in it, not quite full but a fair amount none the less. She poured herself about the same and set the bottle by her feet off to the side of the swing. Again, she clinked my glass in a silent toast and then sipped her glass. I took a long sip of the wine myself and settled back in the swing and crossed my feet out in front of me. I began my tale of my second awakening and the girl that saved my life. Kathie... with an Eye Eee.

I told Sarah of how I had been wandering through life basically an empty shell after the tragedy that robbed me of both Michelle, the love of my life and... well... my life... and our dearly loved teacher and friend Miss Penny. How my life restarted with the meeting of Kathie at the university. How her persistence and personality wore me down, and sparked life back into the darkness of my cold empty soul and heart. How love grew and overwhelmed the both of us. Life suddenly had meaning once more, life had endless possibilities and we made plans for so many things, together forever. It was all tempered of course by her mother's terminal illness and her rapid health decline. I spoke of how I gave her my everything, heart and soul and how I proposed to her... and she had accepted... joyously. For a time, the happiest time of my life, I was in heaven on earth. Of course, life had other plans for me it would seem.

After tending to the chops on the grill, checking and turning them, I settled back on the swing and resumed my sad tale of fate and the cruelty of life. I spoke of how Kathie's mother declined far more rapidly than the doctors could treat her... how she eventually took her own life to end the burden on her daughter and her sister. Of course, being a Catholic girl born and raised, Sarah was immediately appalled at this but she could understand Ellie's (Kathie's mom) decision. Sarah was happy that the doctors recorded it as an accidental overdose so that the church would accept her remains on consecrated soil.

That was the easy part of this tale unfortunately and I knew I was going to break down when I finished this telling so I excused myself once more to check the pork chops on the grill, they were all but finished so I took some tongs and put the oiled and seasoned asparagus on the grill along with the chops and asked Sarah to get a plate or something to put the cooked food on. She hopped up and went inside to get a platter. She was back in a flash and that's just about all it took for the asparagus to be fully cooked. I plated all the food from the grill to the platter and then replaced the grill cover and closed down the vents. We took our glasses and the food inside. I asked Sarah for a piece of foil to cover the chops and the asparagus before we went back outside to sit in the swing again.

After resuming our seats on the swing. I drained about half the wine in my glass and then set the glass in my lap and held it with both hands. Bowing my head, I closed my eyes and picked up the tale of Kathie and how my heart was broken for the second time in my life. Kathie had learned that she had the same disease, or carried the gene for it anyway and could very likely develop the illness later in her own life. She was determined, especially after having taken care of her own mother, that she would not become a burden on anyone that she cared for or loved. She also decided that she would stop this disease from continuing, at least through her own genes, by having herself sterilized.

"Oh Jim... No children? But you could adopt, right?" Sarah spoke up finally... inevitably the same arguments that I had offered myself back then.

"I said the same thing, but she said that one would only be half an answer. If she did come down with the illness, those very same adopted children would be put into the same situation that she didn't want natural children to have to face... or anyone else..." I choked the last out before draining my glass and laying my head back on the back of the swing with my eyes clenched tightly closed but a tear leaked out all the same.

I told Sarah how Kathie had given me back my ring and told me that she would love me forever but that she would not marry me and tie me down. She knew how much I wanted a family and children so she wanted me to find another who could give me those things. I fell silent for a long long time after that. Sarah sniffed quietly next to me and wiped tears from her own eyes before she leaned into me and rested her head on my right shoulder once more.

"It's tak... AHEM..." I cleared my throat.

"It's taken me a long time to grow out of that abyss, again..." I said in an emotionally graveled voice.

"I can see that... and now I know why..." Sarah spoke quietly, her head still on my shoulder, her right hand now stroking my right arm up and down between my elbow and my shoulder.

"Jim... I know I asked for it... but I also know that it took a lot for you to just share what you did... with me. Thank you, for trusting me." Sarah all but whispered and she sniffed again as I felt her tears warm my shoulder yet again. I felt my own bitter tears rolling down my cheeks and smirked. Then I realized that this was the first time I had actually told anyone, with any detail, about my past. I felt my smirk turn into a genuine, if sad, smile. I took a deep breath and released it slowly. Lifting my hands and my empty glass from my lap I turned my head towards Sarah's and asked.

"Is there any more of that wine left?"

"That's a great idea!" Sarah responded and straightened up then bent over and retrieved the bottle from beside the swing. She poured half a glass for me and then emptied the bottle into her own glass, about the same amount really. She smiled at me and shrugged slightly.

"I think we should drink this with our dinner." I said and stood up and turned to offer my hand to her. She smiled up at me graciously and accepted my hand and rose to join me.

We went inside and put the food onto plates, a little of the rice then the asparagus on top of that, then a pork chop on each plate. We carried our plates to the dining room table and sat across the table from one another. I bowed my head for a brief if silent blessing as I was want to do. When I looked up Sarah was just finishing with the sign of the cross and her own silent blessing. We smiled sheepishly at one another. I sensed something new between us, a level of understanding that didn't exist before, it felt... comfortable. We dug into the food.

Sarah was amazed at the flavor of the pork chops and just went on and on about the asparagus. Between the two of us we ate all the asparagus and most of the rice, the only thing left of the pork chops were the bones which both of us picked and gnawed at with our fingers like children. Both giggling at the other with the greasy tracks on our faces from our primitive eating strategies. With the last couple of sips of our wine we toasted one last time.

"To good friends." Sarah said.

"To good friends." I echoed, and we drank the last of the wine.

We both cleaned up the mess, what there was of it. Two plates, two sets of silverware, two wine glasses, one platter and a pair of tongs, one sauce pan and one spoon. Short work even if done by hand side by side at the kitchen sink. I was very aware of the warmth radiating from Sarah's body as she conveniently or accidentally bumped or rubbed against me as we washed and rinsed and dried the dishes. The wine we had consumed had me feeling warm and toasty, and the emotional drain from my telling of my woeful tales had my head spinning and my heart racing. I had the distinct impression that Sarah was pretty much the same way. We had just placed the last plate in the cupboard when the phone rang.

"That would be Dave... I hope." Sarah said as she stepped across the kitchen to retrieve the hand piece from the hook.

"Hello? Oh, hi honey... you did? Good. How's your mom?" Sarah began speaking with Dave. I smiled and motioned that I was going to go use their bathroom. Sarah nodded distractedly as she listened to Dave on the other end of the phone.

Sarah was still talking with Dave when I came back to the kitchen and got a glass from the cupboard and opened the fridge freezer to get a few ice cubes. I then filled the glass with water from the tap and turned and leaned back against the edge of the sink, crossing my feet and sipping at the iced water. Sarah looked up from her seat at the kitchen table and smiled. I held up the glass silently asking if she would like one too. She smiled and nodded appreciatively. I repeated the process and set her glass down on the table in front of her. I patted her right shoulder and took my own glass into the den and had a seat on the sofa and reached for the remote for the TV and cable box. I could still hear bits and pieces of at least Sarah's end of the conversation but I didn't feel the need to eavesdrop on their conversation. I did catch part of Sarah telling Dave about the car and how I "came to her rescue" again.

The evening news was just going off when I flipped through the channels, nothing really much very interesting on to watch so I settled on MTV and figured I'd just enjoy a few videos while Sarah and Dave caught up with one another after today's events. I leaned back on the sofa and let my head rest on the back and closed my eyes. I guess I fell asleep. I'm not sure if it was the wine or the food or the emotional soul baring, but I was wiped out for some reason.

I awakened sometime later to a dark room. I was momentarily disoriented and had just a moment of panic before I remembered that I had come to Sarah and Dave's house to have dinner with Sarah. It was about that time that I realized that I had a blanket draped over me and there was something, or rather, someone warm nestled up beside me on the sofa. Sarah, of course. I felt a little awkward, but I also felt a little...excited. As soon as I realized this however, I stomped on those feelings and put them out of my mind. Not Sarah, I couldn't do that to her or Dave. I tried to raise my left hand up to see my watch, the movement must have been enough to awaken Sarah because she stirred.

"Mmmmmm... You're awake..." She yawned and stretched sitting up straight on the sofa beside me.

"Sarah, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to fall asleep. I just closed my eyes for a minute..." I began apologizing only to be interrupted by her soft giggling.

"What's so funny?" I asked perplexed.

"You! You rescue me yet again from car problems. You have my car repaired. You make me dinner and eat with me. And you bared your soul to me... that was one busy day... and you are apologizing to me for falling asleep? You are too much sometimes Jim. Here, let me get up so you can kick your shoes off and stretch out. Why don't you just sleep here tonight?" Sarah asked as she stood up and gathered the blanket ready to spread it over me.

"That's just it babe, I'm usually awake this time of the night... all night. You're the one who should be sleeping. Why don't I just go on home and let you get your rest?" I said scootching to the edge of the sofa readying to stand up.

"Oh please... please stay. You can watch TV if you're not sleepy. I would sleep better knowing you're here with me... besides, didn't you drink a bit of wine earlier?" Sarah pleaded while holding the gathered-up blanket in both arms to her chest and bending over just a bit.

I sighed knowing that she was probably right, I had had some wine. Probably not enough wine to affect me but I was strongly against any sort of driving under the influence no matter how small it might be. I knew it was the right thing to do but it still felt a little like I was imposing and... well... Dave wasn't home. Would that even be right to stay with his wife over night? Well... maybe if I stayed out here in the den on the sofa.

"Tell ya what... I'll stay till morning. If I get a nap in great, if not I'll sleep when I get home. Are you sure TV won't keep you awake?" I asked giving in.

"I'll close the door, it should be quiet enough it won't bother me. I'll sleep better knowing you're here. Thank you, Jim." She said in a relieved voice as I stretched out on my back and she draped the blanket back over me from my feet to my chin. Then she actually leaned down and kissed my forehead and patted my cheek.

"Good night, Jim." She said smiling and shuffled off to her bedroom.

I picked up the remote and first turned the volume down to barely a whisper, then started flipping through the channels looking for something interesting. I ended up settling on Turner Movie Classics with an old black and white Humphrey Bogart/ Lauren Bacall movie. After a while It was just light and shadows flickering on the screen as my eyes unfocused on the external and my mind's eye took over. I was revisited by sights and faces of long ago. My retelling of my woeful tales had taken far more out of me than Sarah could ever suspect. Memories once recalled have a tendency to linger. Yes, there was sadness, but thankfully there was also all the feelings of love and joy that I experienced then as well. I guess I drifted off to unconsciousness if not sleep at some point.

The next thing I was aware of was the sound of slippered feet shuffling and sliding around on the kitchen linoleum floor. I heard the tap turn on and some water run into something. After a few minutes I smelled coffee and I knew for certain that Sarah was up and awake. I sat up and rubbed my eyes before stretching my arms over my head and flexing my back. Dave and Sarah's couch was comfortable... to sit on, but not so much for sleeping. My bladder's urging got me to stand up and make my way to the bathroom.

Upon returning to the den and then on into the kitchen I found Sarah busy cooking scrambled eggs at the stove. She stood there dressed in what I knew was her uniform for the pharmacy. Well... except for the fuzzy slippers on her feet anyway. For some reason that sight just made me giggle. And I did... out loud. Sarah turned and gave me a curious look with one eyebrow raised in question.

"What? You never seen anyone cooking eggs before?" She asked

"Oh, it's not that, I was just admiring your choice of footwear." I told her with a grin as I walked over to her and leaned in and kissed her cheek before reaching for a glass for some water.

"Hey.... They're comfortable. Are you hungry? I've scrambled some eggs and there's a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster. I'm sorry I don't have any bacon or sausage right now." She said a little sheepishly.

"No. I mean yeah that's fine. Toast and eggs would be wonderful but you really didn't have to fix anything for me. What time do you have to be at work?" I asked checking my watch and seeing that it was a little after seven in the morning.

"My shift starts at eight. I usually leave around seven thirty, to make sure I get there on time. If I have to catch the bus. If I have to walk, I usually call in and they let me come in a little later but stay later to cover it." Sarah told me as she served out the eggs on two plates and put some toast on each plate before setting them on the kitchen table.

I opened the fridge and got the butter dish and the jar of orange marmalade Sarah told me was in there. We sat down across the table from one another, me with my glass of water, and Sarah with her coffee mug. I bowed my head for a blessing and then we both dug in. The eggs... were... eggs. Hard to go wrong with them. The toast was a treat with the marmalade though. I told Sarah I'd have to get some for my fridge too. A few minutes later we were closing and locking the door behind us as we both left the duplex at the same time. Sarah gave me a hug before she climbed into her car and I waited until she started it up. All smiles, she waved at me and drove off to work at the pharmacy. I got in my car and drove back to my apartment.

Despite my naps throughout the night, I had not slept well and since I had to work that night, I figured it best if I did get some sleep. I changed into my sleep wear, sweat pants and a t-shirt, then I brushed my teeth and emptied my bladder. I remember setting my alarm for later in the afternoon but I really don't remember closing my eyes. Next thing I knew, my alarm was ringing. Time to get up.

After answering Mother Nature's call, I fixed a bite to eat and packed my dinner for work. I then settled in at my computer and fired it up. I checked my emails then logged on to Night Friends for a few minutes before I had to head off to work. I found a message from Dave, thanking me for rescuing Sarah yesterday and for spending some time with her. I replied with a short message telling him that it wasn't a big deal, I was happy to do so. I noted that I was working that night and the next two but if something came up, I would be home each morning. With that, I signed off and headed off to work.