Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

All characters depicted in this story are 18 years old or older

* Life is a tapestry, a cloth woven from many different threads that create the whole. This story is a thread, a part of Barbra's story, contributing to the waft and weave that is the Whole cloth, being Jim.

Being Jim Ch.09: The Heart Has No Conscience

Or: The Guilty Heart

By Frodov

* This story is based entirely on true experiences from my past, names and a few details have been changed to provide anonymity for those involved. Discretion is a precious commodity and is becoming rarer every day. I reached way back to relive this story for everyone. At the time I was the ripe old age of thirty. Bear in mind that Cell phones were barely a novel idea at that time. The internet was taking its first baby steps and people were discovering the likes of A0L and to a lesser extent local messaging or electronic "bulletin boards". How many of you out there remember dial-up modems? Cable TV was still mostly commercial free. Ah, good times. So, in that frame of mind enjoy the memory.

The heart has no conscience, it has no shame and it has no off switch when it's on fire. Lust and love are interchangeable, so alike and so confusing at times. It's the confusion that leads to problems however. When one cannot tell the difference between the two it can lead to trouble... heart break and pain like nothing else. One must be ever vigilant and remember to think with their brain and not just follow their heart blindly.

The smell of chicken cacciatore tickled my nose even as I stepped up to the front porch and knocked on the door before opening it and poking my head in and announcing myself.

"What is that SMELL?" I asked towards the kitchen as I grinned at Dave who was sitting in his recliner holding a cold long neck that he lifted towards me in way of greeting. He grinned at me and rolled his eyes as Sarah sounded off from around the corner as she bustled about in the midst of putting the finishing touches on her culinary offering for tonight. I held up two bottles of wine, one red, one white by way of question to Dave. He just shrugged and nodded towards the kitchen deferring to Sarah's judgement. I tilted my head down in mock resignation and stepped around the corner into the DANGER ZONE.

If you spend any time at all around a full-blooded Italian woman, you learn to give her lots of space when she's in the depths of preparing a meal. Sarah was every bit the stereotypical hell on wheels when it came to order and chaos in her kitchen. She had everything planned and organized in her mind and if ANYTHING got out of line or altered there would be hell to pay for anyone disrupting her flow. I turned the corner at the doorway from the den to the kitchen and just leaned against the door jamb and observed her at work. She was very absorbed in her tasks at hand.

And lovely hands they were. Sarah had dolled up this evening for some reason. She wore what could only be described as a cross between a summer weight sun dress and a little black dress. It was black, but it had gossamer like butterflies and flower embossed or stitched or whatever into the nearly see through like mesh of the base material. Oh, she had on some sort of slip under it perhaps so as not to show her undergarments. Well...save for the recalcitrant bra strap that kept sliding down her right shoulder as she stirred this pot or lifted that pan. Her sturdy shoulders topping her lithe dancer like arms with those strong but beautiful Mediterranean heritage hands with the blood red nails.

Skinny she was not, but I hesitate to say that she was a big girl as she really wasn't. Oh, sure she had a little bit of a tummy, but then a lot of women over forty tend to have a bit of a softness there. Her hips were wide but not exaggeratedly so. Her backside was maybe a little bigger than she was when she was younger the curves were in all the right places and pleasantly distributed to say the least.

Sarah's face was full and had the Mediterranean features common to her Italian heritage. Dark eyes, dark hair of her eyebrows... and even a few recurring hairs on her upper lip that she groomed religiously, tweezing and plucking whenever one showed itself. You'd think maybe that she was hairy, but she most assuredly was not. In fact, something I learned over the time we knew each other, she had practically no hair on her legs what so ever. And what was there was so silky and fine as to be invisible anyway.

Oh, but that massive head of hair was abundant, and thick as it was silky. She claimed to have never colored it, except for one Halloween where she tried to die it red for a costume. She said it didn't turn out right so she never tried again. Normally that thick black mane would fall gracefully about her shoulders and almost down the middle of her back by her shoulder blades... except when she was cooking.

Sarah was indeed in her own little world as she focused on her cooking. She must have been listening to some music in her head as she was rocking her hips and stepping from one foot to the other in a swaying motion that was mesmerizing even to me. The swaying caused the bottom of her dress to... well... sway with the motion. The little head bobs and twitches just drew my eyes to her lovely bare neck as she had her thick silky black hair pulled into a loose bun on the back of her head to keep it out of her face and off her neck apparently. No, her neck wasn't bare, there was a very fine gold chain, almost a thread really, on which her tiny gold crucifix was hung and dangling down into her modest but very apparent cleavage. This dress was very flattering and very... eye catching I thought to myself.

Sarah must have sensed that she was being ogled, I know she already knew that I had arrived as I had announced myself as I came in the front door. Even if she was so absorbed in her cooking, I know she was aware. She half turned and glanced over her shoulder in a very coquettish way. Her lips were pursed and her brows knit but there was a sparkle in her dark almost obsidian black eyes as she locked them on my own. She held that look for maybe a heartbeat or two then she smiled at me and those red glossed lips turned up at the corners baring her dazzling white teeth. I noticed that here was a little speck of something on her right cheek just an inch or so to the right of her lips. Apparently, there had been a splash of some sauce or something and she was not aware of it.

"Hi Jim... dinner's almost ready, you're right on time! Oh! You brought wine! Thank You! I'll have Dave get out some glasses. DAVE!" She raised her voice to be heard over the TV in the other room.

"I'm on it!" Dave replied equally loud in the den as the sound of his recliner being closed up and him rising from it punctuated his statement.

Dave brushed against my left shoulder nudging me with his right arm as he moved to drop his empty long neck into the trash bin beside me next to the fridge.

"Duty calls..." He mumbled to me.

"What was that?" Sarah asked brusquely giving him a suspicious glare.

"I said Beauty calls." Dave responded with a smile.

Sara gave him a smirk then smiled and turned back to her stove. Dave turned to me, his eyebrows both raised as he blew out a silent "whew" and then winked at me before reaching into a cabinet over the sink to get out four wine glasses. I took note of the number as it was one more than just the three needed for... well... the three of us. I smiled and shook my head wearily... Sarah was at it again.

"So, what's her name?" I asked with a resigned but good-natured smile. Sarah turned to me as if I had pinched her on the ass or something.

"Wha... What? What do you mean Jim?" Sarah asked feigning surprise and innocence.

Dave looked down at his two hands holding four wine glasses and realized that he had slipped up and let the cat out of the bag. He grinned at me and bit his bottom lip and shook his head and made a quick exit into the dining room.

"Well... Sarah you are an amazing cook and I'd eat anything that you put in front of me but it looks like you pulled out all the stops tonight. What is that? Cacciatore? And that dress... WOW! I mean I like it don't get me wrong but you rarely ever dress up for dinner with little ol' me. So, you must have another guest coming to dinner as well..." I said with a knowing grin.

Sarah actually blushed a little before she snapped out of it and tried to revert to her false innocence... Raising one eyebrow and glaring at me suspiciously out of the corners of her eyes as she split her attention between me and the stove. I couldn't take it any more so I added.

"And Dave got out four wine glasses for the three of us..." I all but giggled.

"DAVE! Damn it! You promised you would help make it a surprise!" She shouted towards the dining room as she stomped one shapely leg with her high heeled foot. She shook her head and mumbled under her breath as she diligently stirred her sauce pot.

"Sorry love." Dave sounded meekly from the dining doorway as he stepped back into the kitchen.

I raised both bottles of wine and handed them to him. He took them with a smile and retreated once more into the dining room. I walked over to the stove behind Sarah and leaned over and kissed her bare right shoulder where it meets her graceful and bare neck.

"Thank you, Sarah. Really, but you don't have to try to fix me up with anyone. I'm okay. I'll play nice though... this time. You saucy wench you!" I spoke softly near her ear and she leaned back into me for a moment and sighed before returning her attention to her cooking and bit her bottom lip.

"Anything I can do to help?" I asked, taking a half step back to give her room.

"Pull the bread sticks out of the oven for me... let me move out of the way first, grab those oven mitts the pan is hot." She said lightly, smiling like I'd given her a gift.

I grabbed the oven mitts and slipped them on and after Sarah stepped aside and pulled the oven door open, I reached in and grabbed the baking sheet and pulled the hot bread sticks out of the oven. Sarah closed the oven door behind me and motioned me over to the counter beside the stove where there was a waiting basket for them. I held the pan with one hand and she removed the oven mitt from my free hand so that I could transfer the bread to the basket. While she took her pasta pot to the sink to pour through a colander.

"Okay... so what's her name? Gonna give me a little background to work with or do I have to play twenty questions with this mystery girl?" I queried Sara as she tried to stay busy and avoid my resigned if questioning looks towards her.

Sarah just bit her bottom lip and shrugged her shoulders as she drained the pasta and moved it into a serving dish. Her furtive glances at me told me that she was dying to start talking but I had to play the game first. Dave came back into the kitchen intent on grabbing another long neck from the fridge and he looked between Sarah and me and back still biting his lip but grinning like a Cheshire cat. I gave him a pleading look with my arms out and hand palm up in supplication. Dave just chuckled silently to himself and shrugged as he nodded towards Sarah as he slinked back out of the kitchen to the den.

"Jim... She's a nice girl. Give her a chance... please? For me?" Sarah said as she shuffled over to stand in front of me holding the serving dish full of pasta ready to be taken to the dining table.

"Does this 'nice' girl have a name?" I pressed even as I reached out to relieve her of the porcelain pasta dish.

"It's Francine... but her friends call her Franky." Sarah said with a smile, her big dark eyes literally sparkling with glee.

"And..." I prodded as I slowly headed towards the dining room with the pasta. Sarah grabbed a bundle of silverware and napkins and the basket of bread sticks and followed me grinning from ear to ear.

"Franky is a red head..." Sarah teased, knowing that I had a penchant for redheads that even I couldn't explain.

"Sarah... you're killing me! What are you NOT telling me?" I all but begged as I gripped the back of one of the dining room chairs after having deposited the serving dish of pasta in the middle of the table.

Sarah fussed around the other side of the table setting out napkins and silverware at each place setting all the while grinning but avoiding looking directly at me. UGH! This was like pulling teeth. I could hear Dave chuckle from the other room, he thought it was hilarious that someone other than him was getting "the treatment." When Sarah got around to the place setting behind which I was standing, she put the napkin and silverware down then turned to me. Looking me straight in the eyes she lifted and wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned her head in to touch my forehead with hers.

"Jim, I don't expect you to fall in love with her but give her a chance, she really is a sweet girl. She's lonely like you..." she stopped when I pulled my head back and squinted my eyes at her giving what could almost be called a grimace.

"Sarah... I'm not lonely. I have lots of friends and I... well I do okay now and then... but I'm not lonely." I admonished her softly so as not to sound too harsh or bitter.

To her credit, Sarah didn't laugh outright, but she did raise one eyebrow questioningly and turn her head slightly to one side affecting that sidelong look that some women have perfected and use when they are doubtful of something a man says but lets him have a little more rope before saying anything.

"Some things you will have to ask her... be nice though... she really is a" and I cut her off by finishing the sentence for her...

"... a nice girl... yeah you've told me that already. Just like you told me about Tammy, and Denise, and what was that other girl's name... the one with the lazy eye?" I gave her my doubtful look again as she started giggling and took my hand to lead me back to the kitchen.

As luck would have it, there was knock at the front door. We heard Dave whoosh and rise from his recliner to answer the door... even though it was open and only the screen door barring anyone from just walking right in. We heard Dave say hi and tell Franky to come on in. Sarah turned to me, her eyes bright but almost pleading again. Her smile was both hopeful and a little uncertain.

"Please Jim... give her a chance... for me." She pleaded in a whisper as she looked into my eyes. Her hands were on each of my arms at the elbows.

"I'll play nice Sarah... for you." I said with a smile.

Sara smiled brightly and leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. And then she was off going around the corner to the den to meet Franky. I heard that girly gleeful squeal that girls (women even) do when they meet sometimes. Franky had not come empty handed, she had brought what she thought would be a fitting desert, a tiramisu. Sure, it was made at a grocery store bakery maybe but it was still thoughtful. Sarah made a fuss over it, embarrassing Franky.

My first impression and sight of her was an almost orange head of curls coming around the corner elbow locked with Sara. Franky was red in the face from embarrassment but still looked pleased at the reception. I was leaning up against the kitchen counter at the sink, my legs crossed casually in front of me, I had one hand resting on the counter top edge and the other holding a glass of ice water having just taken a sip as they were coming into the room. Franky kind of paused uncertainly upon seeing me and darted a glance to Sarah.

Apparently, Franky was just as surprised at having a fourth for dinner as I had been. Hmmm... the plot thickens. I half lifted my glass in a silent toast of welcome and smiled nonchalantly tilting my head a little questioningly myself. I looked at Sarah who was smiling from ear to ear, even if sheepishly as she looked back and forth between Franky and myself trying to figure out how to begin and make introductions. I should have let her sweat a little longer but I took pity on her... or maybe just wanted to get a hand in this before it got... well... out of hand.

"Hi... Franky, is it? I'm Jim... and I was as surprised as you are that there would be... other guests... for dinner tonight. I hope you will forgive our sneaky little hostess, she really does mean well... I think." I spoke warmly with a soft almost bashful smile for Franky.

Sarah glared holes through me for about two seconds then rolled her eyes and took a deep breath before she turned to Franky holding her by the elbows much as she had just done to me a few moments ago. With her head hanging down bashfully or maybe sheepishly would better describe the look. Sarah looked up hesitantly at Franky while biting her lower lip and started grinning despite herself.

"Francine... I'm sorry I didn't tell you that Jim would be joining us tonight. I wanted to surprise the both of you... really. I love you both and I think that maybe... just maybe... you two might grow to like each other as well." Sarah spoke softly and ended with a bit of a pout still looking sheepish.

From the den Dave called out loudly... "I don't hear any dishes being thrown or breaking in there. Is everyone okay? Is it time to eat yet?" He ended with a loud chuckle.

Sarah took a deep breath and rolled her neck as well as her eyes as she released Franky's arms and raised her hands to the heavens as if to say "Why Me God? Why ME?" But what she said was "PUT A SOCK IN IT DAVE!" then huffed out a breath before turning back to Franky and smiling apologetically, she raised both eyebrows questioningly and shrugged cutely. Franky looked over at me and squinted suspiciously at first till she saw me chuckling silently then she smiled a closed mouth smile taking a deep breath herself and nodded to Sarah and returned her shrug as if to say "Okay, I'm game." Sarah BEAMED and almost jumped in place clapping her hands like a little girl on Christmas morning. Almost... what she did was kind of bob a little in place and whispered "Thank you Franky..." before snapping into full on Italian mom mode at dinner time.

"Jim, grab that bowl of salad out of the fridge, Franky let's put your desert in the fridge for now. Here, some matches for the candles. DAVE! Come here! I need you to carry the cacciatore to the table! I'll just pour this sauce into the tureen for the pasta. DAVE! NOW!" Franky and I both just looked at each other and started giggling silently. "MOVE PEOPLE!" Sara commanded... and we moved.

I followed Franky into the dining room. Yeah, I couldn't help but to check out my dinner date. She was not exactly slim but she was trim and...well... sturdy. I like the way her ample hips flowed into shapely legs and a fairly nice back side from what I could discern even though it was well covered by her light summer sun dress. Franky wore some lacy tie up sandals that wrap or weave up the legs to just under the knee, they had what looked like wedge heels made of cork or something. I thought it was kind of cute how her toenail polish was almost the same color as her hair. That's accessorizing! So too where her delicate looking fingernails.

Indeed, there were candles, off on a side table I set the salad down on the side table and I was followed by Dave who had the casserole dish with the cacciatore in both oven mitt covered hands. He set it down on the side table on a trivet. Sarah came in with the tureen of sauce which she set on the dining table next to the pasta dish. I opened first the red wine, at Sarah's request, she said it would go better with the salad and antipasto. And we all took our seats.

Sara and Dave sat across the table from one another and that meant that Francine and I would be doing likewise. I had pulled out Sarah's chair for her to sit earning myself a smile and getting a dagger sharp glare from her towards Dave. I also reached and pulled out Franky's chair as well. This seemed to confuse Franky for a moment... I guess not many guys have ever done that for her. I keep running into these situations... I guess I'm archaic with my manners at times. Things I was taught as a youngster and stuck with me into adulthood seem to be strange to so many. Like holding doors for strangers, or pulling out a chair for a lady. Franky did sit and smiled uncertainly at me before glancing at Sarah. How is that women seem to be able to have entire conversations with just a silent look or a couple of facial expressions? I'll never understand them, I think.