Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

"Yeah, she's okay." I replied after I looked over and saw who Sarah was talking about, not exactly dawning on my distracted mind what Sarah was really asking. I turned back to selecting a few apples when I heard Sarah speaking again. But it wasn't to me, it was to the very girl that she had just pointed out to me. Uh oh.

"You know, it's always hard for me to find the ripest tomatoes in these displays..." She said distractedly to the blonde gal as she picked up a couple of tomatoes to inspect and take a sniff of them. The blonde gal just looked over at her and nodded, smiling politely as she went about selecting her own tomatoes.

"Sometimes I just can't decide at all, but I know someone who can always seem to find a ripe one or two for me. Jim? Could you come here and help me find a couple of good tomatoes? And maybe help this young lady too?" Sarah called to me, smiling, with a twinkle in her eyes. The blonde gal looked at Sarah then at me and then back to the tomatoes and actually sniffed the one in her hand as she had seen Sarah just do.

"Jim, this young lady..." She turned to the blonde giving her that universal imploring look that asked for her name...to which the blonde gal responded with...

"Suzanne"

"Suzanne..." Sarah said smiling at Suzanne and then turning back to me giving me a surreptitious wink.

"Suzanne and I need some help finding some good ones. You were raised on a farm, you know what ripe tomatoes are better than us... could you help?" She all but whined and then cocked her head slightly to one shoulder and bit her bottom lip. OH MY GOD!

Blushing slightly, and giving Sarah the evil eye, I pushed my cart over to the tomato stand and smiled in greeting to Suzanne. I then asked her what she was planning on doing with the tomatoes and how soon.

"What do you mean?" Suzanne asked, her headful of golden tresses ratcheting back on her neck and tilting a little towards her right shoulder giving me a bit of a sidelong glance.

"Well, if you were for instance going to cut it up into a salad tonight, you might want a completely ripened fruit. It would be at its peak of flavor and juiciness. If you were going to slice it for sandwiches in a day or two then you might want a tomato that was not quite fully ripened right now. It would start to go bad before you sliced it. But if you were going to make it into a sauce or cook it, it really wouldn't matter too much if it were completely ripe or just almost there." I explained. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sarah beaming a huge smile as she continued to pick up and inspect and sniff tomatoes.

"Okay, that makes sense. But how can I tell how ripe a tomato is?" Suzanne asked, all the while nodding her head and looking at the two, she had in her hands and glancing at me again.

"Touch and smell." I said picking one tomato out of the bin and then another one out of another row.

"These all get picked before they are fully ripened so that they have time to ship them and get them into the markets for sale. They continue to ripen of course. A fully ripened tomato will feel firm but the skin will give a little with slight pressure. One not fully ripened will feel firm but not give as much. And the ripe one will smell different. It'll smell... well... like a tomato. Whereas the one that's not ripe will not have much smell at all.

With that explanation registering in her mind. Suzanne looked at the two tomatoes she was holding and then sniffed them again. Looking up at me then at the one in my right hand I took the cue and raised it for her to sniff as well. Her eyes got a little bigger and her eyebrows rose up a bit as she indeed did smell the aroma of a tomato. She smiled brightly, bobbing her blonde tresses slightly in thanks and turned back to her task of finding some tomatoes.

"Thanks..." Suzanne said a little timidly.

I could almost feel Sarah deflating beside me as I put the two tomatoes I was holding back in the display and began to push my cart on down the aisle towards the deli. I knew it was coming so I just kept my silence until it did.

"What was wrong with her Jim?" Sarah asked finally, her shoulder gently brushing my own as she tried to keep her voice down but not quite whispering.

"What do you mean Sarah?" I asked feigning ignorance.

"She was pretty... why didn't you want to talk to her some more? Maybe ask for her phone number or something?" Sarah asked.

"Well first of all, I can find girls to talk to on my own, thank you, and secondly, she was ambushed by a certain over enthusiastic if well-meaning Italian girl and was one heartbeat away from bolting. Lastly, you didn't see the engagement ring on her finger? Sarah, we've talked about this. I love you for caring and trying but please stop." I said softly and evenly so that she knew I was not angry with her just a little peeved.

"Oh... how did I miss the ring?" Sarah blurted before she could check herself. Then she continued.

"Jim, I can't help it. I just want you to be happy. You would be such a good man for some lucky girl. Can't a girl dream a little?" She gave me that little whiny voice again as if pleading for me to be reasonable and just give in. I stopped pushing the cart and turned to look her in the face. Sarah just stood there, that hopeful almost pleading look in her eyes as her lips hovered somewhere between a pout and a smile as if uncertain which way to go. I did want to snap at her, I had to bite my tongue to keep from letting words slip out that would hurt her feelings. Instead, I took a deep breath and gave her a lopsided smirk. That one eye squinted almost closed and the other eye's brow raised questioningly.

"So, White or Red?" I asked. The confusion on Sarah's face was priceless and it blew my almost foul mood right out of my mind.

"White or Red? Jim? What?" Sarah stammered with a look of confusion of the truly lost.

"Wine. White or Red? Which goes best with grilled pork chops and asparagus?" I asked expanding my question with a little detail. I had to grin because the complete change of subject was unexpected by her and she was flustered.

"Wha...? How did we go from you meeting a nice girl to what wine to have with pork chops?" She pleaded... but my question had done exactly what I had hoped to do. I had without words told her that I wasn't going to entertain her intentions in fixing me up. Her look of confusion vanished as she finally comprehended what I had just done, her face literally fell into a look of trite begrudging acceptance. With a sigh she turned back to face the cart as we pushed on down the aisle towards the meat department.

"White would be my first choice... and you're too clever... asshole..." She added with a sigh as she reached over with her right hand and patted the top of my left hand on the cart handle.

"So, you're cooking for me tonight?" Sarah asked with a lighter tone when she realized that I wasn't going to respond to her questions about dating and such.

"Well, I'm sure I'll be helping, but yeah, you're having dinner with me tonight... at your place. I gotta finish getting my groceries and of course stuff for tonight's meal. Then we'll take my groceries to my place and then swing by and check on your car. I figure that Dave's going to be calling home after he lands in Jersey and gets situated. If you're having dinner at my place, you can't take that call, so your place it is."

"That poor man..." Sarah spoke softly, her head bowed slightly and a pained expression flitted across her lovely face briefly.

"Yeah, I don't envy him going through this one bit. It's gotta be tough." I said just as softly as we strolled along with the shopping cart.

"His mother has been slipping for some time now. She's had dementia for a long time but it's just gotten worse and worse and now the cancer..."

Sarah drifted off into silence as she contemplated who knows what, but the almost silent sniff told me that she was very emotional about it, or at least for Dave anyway. Without thinking about it I slipped my left hand over her right and squeezed it gently as we pushed on and gathered the rest of the items on my grocery list.

After we got checked out and had loaded my groceries into my car, Sarah had me swing by the pharmacy that she works at. She told me to sit still, she would only be a minute or two, and with that she went inside. True to her word, she came back out of the pharmacy a few minutes later with an unmistakable brown bag wrapped bottle in her hand. I should have known she would want to contribute to dinner.

"I like this brand, it's really sweet." Sarah declared as she refastened her seat belt, answering my questioning glance.

"I'll defer to your better judgement then. I don't know diddly about wines." I admitted as I drove on down the street to my apartment complex.

Turning in to my parking lot I was happy to see an empty parking space right in front of my building. I pulled in and parked and Sarah and I got out and grabbed my grocery bags. I led her up to the front door to the building and then up the first flight of stairs to my floor and to my door. I unlocked the door and swung it open and ushered her in politely.

"Home sweet home... such that it is." I declared sweeping an arm expansively around my tiny one-bedroom apartment.

"Oh stop. This isn't so bad. It could use a woman's touch to brighten it up a bit but I've seen worse for bachelors' pads. Umm... Jim... I gotta pee!" Sarah said while all but crossing her legs.

"Oh sure... just drop that bag on the dining room table and go straight down the hall." I said pointing down my short hallway connecting my living/dining room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom.

I carried my bags on into my galley kitchen and started putting the food away. I had just brought the one bag that Sarah had carried, from the dining room to the kitchen when she emerged from the bathroom. She stopped at the doorway into the kitchen and looked at my blackout curtain hanging over my bedroom doorway. I could tell she was curious and since I had nothing to worry about or to hide, I let her satisfy her curiosity.

"Reach through the split in the middle and the light switch is on the wall next to the door jamb." I told her as I continued putting food away. She pushed her right hand and arm through and felt for the switch then poked her head and shoulders through to look. I heard the switch get turned off and on a couple of times before she backed fully out of the curtain and turned to enter my kitchen.

"Wow! It's really dark in there! I guess that would make it easier to sleep in the day time huh?" She exclaimed as she pulled a couple of cans of soup out of the bag and handed them to me.

"Yeah, it helps. Of course, if the neighbors aren't cooperating, making noise, it's still tough to sleep." I lamented.

"Oh, I know about noisy neighbors!" Sarah said rolling her eyes, then she smirked and blushed.

"Hmmm... I wonder what that blushing is for? Perhaps my fair lady is guilty of being a noisy neighbor sometimes?" I chided her with a grin as I put the last of my canned goods in the cupboard and closed the door.

"Um... I might have been guilty a time or two... in my past." Sarah grinned and winked.

"I suspect you have been." I admitted as I picked up the package of pork chops and put it in the bag with the asparagus. I twisted my mouth up and pursed my lips as I scratched my chin with my right hand thoughtfully.

"Do you have any kind of rice at home Sarah?" I asked.

"I've got some instant rice, would that work?" Sarah asked by way of answer.

"Yeah, that could work, might have to doctor it up a bit... but we can work with that." I smiled at her and closed the bag.

"Come on, let's go see if Midas got your car fixed yet." I said to Sarah as I led her back out of my little kitchen and through my postage stamp dining area to the front door. I held the door for her before closing and locking it behind me. We went down the stairs and back out to my car, then drove back to Midas.

"So, the parts come to $29.56. I didn't charge you for the wire connectors." Steve told us at the counter when he came back in from the shop floor.

"Okay, that's about what I expected for the parts but thanks for the connectors." I chuckled. "So, what's the total bill Steve?" I asked.

"That's it. Just $29.56." He said as he made a note in the ledger and then typed at the keyboard of his computer for a moment.

"What's the labor for the job?" I asked, a little puzzled.

"Nothing, you're kind of a repeat customer. I'm sure you'll be back again sometime. It didn't take me long to swap out the solenoids, easy peasy." Steve informed us with a smile and a shrug. Sarah had a look of amazement on her face for a moment or two then the smile cracked through and lit up the room. Steve was very impressed.

"You're a prince Steve. Here put the parts on this card." I said handing him my credit card and watching Sarah out of the corner of my eye.

"Here you go Jim. Thanks for the business. You kids take care now, okay?" Steve said as he handed Sarah her keys.

"Thank you... Steve... Seriously... thank you so much." Sarah gushed and looked like she was going to tear up a little but was smiling that infectious smile of hers.

We made our goodbyes and walked out to the parking lot. Sarah got in her car and put the key in the ignition and turned it. Her car started right up. She did a little fist pump and I heard "YES!" from inside her car. She leaned her head out the driver side window and smiled at me. I told her I'd follow her to her house. We had dinner to make yet.

A short while later I was parked on the street in front of Dave and Sarah's duplex. Sarah let us in and I followed her to the kitchen. We laid out the ingredients for tonight's dinner. The pork chops, the asparagus. Sarah got the box of instant rice from the cupboard. I asked for some spices and some olive oil.

In a small glass baking dish, I spread out the asparagus after I trimmed and sorted it. I drizzled a little olive oil, then sprinkled on some garlic powder, some salt and of course some freshly ground black pepper from her pepper mill. I then put the pork chops in the same dish and repeated the seasoning with the oil and spices, on both sides of the chops. Sarah watched me but didn't say anything. I guess I met with her approval as there was no attempt to change what I was doing. She did ask me how we were going to cook the rice. After thinking for a moment, I asked if she had any butter in the fridge. She said yes, so I said we'd just cook it per the directions on the box. Then we would doctor it up afterwards.

Sarah got busy measuring water and rice and starting a pan on the stove to bring it to a boil. I took the baking dish and a pair of tongs out to the back deck and tried to remember how to fire up Dave's price and joy, his gas grill. Unfortunately, it was out of gas. Wouldn't you know it? I told Sarah.

"Oh no! Now what are we gonna do?" She lamented for a moment.

I spied the little smokey Joe baby kettle grill in the far corner of the deck beside a potted plant that had died an inglorious death. I wondered as I rubbed my chin with my thumb and fingers.

"Sarah? Does Dave have any charcoal in the basement?" I asked.

"I don't know Jim, he might. You want to go look?" She replied as she opened up the bottle of wine she had purchased earlier. And poured two glasses.

"Sure. If he does, we might be in business yet with these chops." I said as I opened the door to the stairs leading down to the basement. I did find a half a bag of charcoal, and a small bottle of lighter fluid that was almost empty. I carried them both upstairs. I drug the little Smokey Joe grill over to the table beside the gas grill. I opened the lid and was happy to find it was relatively clean and ready to go. I asked Sarah if she had any newspaper. She did and brought me the paper. I wadded up a couple of pages and put them in the bottom of the grill. Then I took my baking dish with the asparagus and pork chops in it and tipped it up to let the olive oil drizzle down onto and soaking the newspaper.

"What on earth are you doing that for Jim?" Sarah said as she carried two glasses of wine with her through the door from the kitchen onto the deck.

"Just taking out a little insurance." I told her cryptically with a grin and a wink.

I then poured out an adequate pile of charcoal into the grill and then stacked it up into a little pyramid. I picked up the little bottle of lighter fluid and gave it a shake again before opening the top and squirting it onto the charcoal. The meager little drizzle didn't soak many of the briquets before it sputtered out into a wheezing little spray. I started to ask Sarah if she had any matches but when I turned to ask, she had her hand held out offering me a box of wooden matches. I smiled... she smiled... she winked. Turning back to the grill I struck a match and held it to the base of the little pyramid and the flame danced and swayed before igniting what little starter fluid that was available. There was no whoomp or burst of flames... just little licking flames that grew steadily, until the oil-soaked paper caught fire too.

Satisfied that the fire was going to survive and the briquets would begin their magical transformation into cooking worthy coals. I took the wine glass Sarah was now offering me and we took a seat on the porch swing. I took a sip of the wine and had to smile, it really was good. Not too dry, a little sweet, nice. I nudged Sarah with my right elbow and nodded at the wine glass.

"I know. Right? I really like this brand." She said as she raised her glass to mine to toast before she took another sip.

"I've never been much of a wine drinker, till I met you and Dave. I've had more wine in the past year than I've had in my life." I confessed as we watched the flames dancing in the Smokey Joe grill on the table across the deck from us.

"I'm such a bad influence... I'm sorry Jim." Sarah said sarcastically and giggled a bit. She reached down with her left hand and took my right hand in hers, interlacing her fingers in mine and just held it.

"No, Sarah, you are not a bad influence. You are a dear and special friend with a lovely caring and loving heart. Don't ever apologize for being yourself." I said in a low voice, never taking my eyes off the fire.

We sat and watched the flames die down as the charcoal caught and began to smolder and turn white. I could tell that Sarah had something on her mind but for some reason she was reluctant to talk about it. I knew enough to be patient though and not pry. She would speak when she was ready. So, we both just sat there gently rocking in the porch swing, sipping our wine and still holding hands. There was a peacefulness about it that would be hard to describe to anyone who has never felt that calmness.

I was holding my glass up in my left hand gently swirling the wine still in it around and around. My eyes were on the glass but my mind was seeing other times and other places. From my right I heard Sarah take a long deep breath and felt her squeeze my right hand gently with her left just before she began to speak.

"Jim... About last night... I'm sorry I pushed you so hard to... well... you know... read your cards." She began. I sensed this was only the opening, there was more to come so I just remained silent.

"But now that I have and... and now that I know that you were hurt so very much in the past... I have to know." She added when I hadn't said anything.

"Please Jim... I don't mean to pry but I care about you and I want to know who or what hurt you so badly..." Sarah pleaded softly, almost a whisper. She leaned over and rested her head on my right shoulder while squeezing my right hand.

"What was her name?" She asked.