Being Jim Ch. 09: The Guilty Heart

"Dave, you've been a great friend, both of you really, you and Sarah. But..." I swallowed again, doubting myself again.

"But?" Dave asked, prompting me to go on.

"But I haven't been as good a friend as you two have been to me." I began again. Dave's head cocked slightly to one side and he stood a little straighter as his eyebrows both rose in question.

"You've been a wonderful friend to us, Jim. How do you figure you've been anything less?" He asked.

"First of all, I want you to know that... that it was all my fault. I am the one to blame..." I stopped, nearly choking on my own words as I tried to gage Dave's reaction.

"I don't understand Jim, what are you to blame for?" Dave asked again with concern, but in my heightened state or guilt it was more like an accusatory question.

"Dave... I mean it when I say I want to take all the blame for what I've done. It's all my fault." I began again with a little more backbone this time. I looked Dave in the eyes to drive home this declaration.

"I still don't know what you're talking about Jim. What's your fault?" He asked holding his glass now in both hands, seemingly forgotten.

I hung my head for a moment and took a deep breath before looking back up to Dave and continuing.

"While you were away, dealing with your mother and... well... you had asked me to look after Sarah and make sure she was okay. I didn't have a problem with that, that's what friends do, right? But I went... I went too far Dave. I did something bad. I broke your trust." I said solemnly and swallowed.

"How did you... break my trust?" Dave asked, one eyebrow rising questioningly. This was it, the moment of truth. I had to spill my guts and suffer the fallout for my actions.

"I... We..." I hung my head for a moment again steeling myself. "Dave, I made love to your wife. I am so sorry. Please, it was all my fault, really, I guess I confused Sarah. She loves you so much Dave. We both felt absolutely awful about what we had done... knowing that we had hurt you..." I fell to silence and mentally held my breath. My heart was racing as I waited for Dave to react. Waited for him to explode and rage like a wounded animal.

Dave stood there with a poker face as still and cold as any I had ever seen on anyone. His eyes bored into mine as my heart raced and time stepped outside to have a smoke break or something. Eventually, still not sure how long it was, but Dave's eyebrows rippled slightly. He raised his glass to look into it and then tossed the drink back in one gulp. He turned and picked up the bottle of Rye from the side table and turned back to the table. He pulled out his chair and sat down. He set his glass on the table and poured more whiskey into it then reached over and poured a bit more into my glass as well. He set the bottle down and picked up his glass. Raising it in a toast he looked over at me and smiled.

Wait... what? Smiled?

"Jim... Thank you." Dave said evenly, then took another drink from his glass.

"Thank you?" I asked confused as all hell. This was not the kind of reaction I had anticipated, not even close!

"Yes. Thank you. Thank you first for telling me. I already knew but it shows your true colors and proves to me yet again how good a man you are, a true friend. Thank you, as well, for doing just what I had asked of you, taking care of my Sarah for me while I was away. I knew she was safe and had someone who cared for her close by if needed... and lastly... Thank you for showing her that she was and is indeed every bit as special as I've been telling her for all these years. You really don't have any idea how much that has done for her. Her self-esteem is through the roof now. Yes. Thank you, my friend... now I have a bit of a confession to make to you." Dave teased that little admission at the end of his explanation.

"Wha... what?" I asked still struggling to come to grips with what Dave had just said.

"I've been steering you two together for almost a year now. I was hoping that something like what happened...would happen. I knew that Sarah's self-esteem was rock bottom. No amount of praise or words from me could get through to her. I needed her to see that other people, other men see her the same way I do, that she was special and desirable, that she was wanted. I knew you would never hurt her and she would believe you... you could help her. So, I tried to get you two together whenever I could. My mom's final days and me having to be away were unexpected but maybe it was a gift from on high as far as I'm concerned." Dave said and shrugged his shoulders and smiled that warm sincere smile again before he took another sip of his drink.

"Unbelievable..." I barely whispered, and took a big gulp of my own drink... again the fiery liquid burned a path to my stomach and took my breath away.

"So, you're not mad at Sarah?" I asked still trying to wrap my head around what he had just told me.

"Or you..." Dave said with a smile.

"Jim. Sarah is a changed woman because of you. When she came to Jersey to be with me after mom passed, I knew something had happened. She was so attentive and loving, almost like when we had first started dating years ago. She carries herself differently, she is full of self-confidence again. You gave that back to her. And Jim... she told me what had happened. She told me that she had made you promise to let her be the one to tell me. When she did, she told me that it was all her fault and that you were not to blame. That woman truly loves you too my friend. When I told her what I just told you she was just as unbelieving. She wanted to tell you right away because she knew you would be beating yourself up over it. I asked her to wait. I had a hunch that despite your promise to her that you would come clean to me, because you are an honorable man... and a good friend." Dave sat back in his chair and smiled at me as I digested all that he had said.

"Unbelievable... Dave. I'm still sorry that I broke your trust and let myself get carried away with Sarah. That was just wrong... even if that was what you were hoping for." I professed in all honesty.

"And I'm sorry that you felt so guilty for so long because of it, Jim. You can stop feeling sorry if you forgive me for what I did, to both of you." Dave sat up straight and looked me in the eye hopefully.

I looked into his eyes and could not detect any deceit, only honest regret and... thankfulness? I shook my head ruefully and took a long deep breath and slumped back in my own chair as I exhaled a long long sigh. Finally, I nodded my head and smiled if somewhat sheepishly.

"You really are a lucky man, Dave. Sarah is something else... a very lucky man indeed. I can only hope I find someone even near as special as she is." I told him with that same sheepish grin.

Two things happened about that moment. One, the timer on Dave and Sarah's stove went off. Dave stood up saying that the baked potatoes were ready. And, two, we both heard Sarah's car pull into the driveway. Dave merely turned off the oven and then met Sarah at the front door as she came in. I stood in the doorway from the kitchen to the living room and watched as they greeted one another with a big hug and a sweet kiss.

Sarah pulled back from the kiss with a puzzled expression and then noticed me over Dave's shoulder. She stiffened slightly and stood a little taller as she looked between Dave and myself questioningly. Dave smiled and nodded his head. Sarah looked at me with a worried expression on her face only to have it soften when I smiled at her, closing my eyes blinking slowly in acknowledgement of the unspoken question that I had spoken with Dave and I now knew the whole story. Sarah bit her bottom lip and her eyes glistened wetly. She looked back at Dave and he pitched his head in my direction as if to say go ahead. Sarah dropped everything she had in her arms and stepped the two or three steps to me in the doorway and her arms went around me in a fierce hug.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Jim..." She whispered in my ear as I embraced her.

"Nothing to be sorry for Sarah. Everything is okay now." I reassured her softly.

Sarah pulled back to look me in the face, her tears spilling down her cheeks over the dimples caused by her broad smile. We both took a big breath and she separated from me turning back to Dave to gather her purse and a grocery bag that she had dropped.

"So, are we ready to grill the steaks yet?" Sarah asked as she swept into the kitchen and took charge.

That evening was certainly one that I will always remember. Dinner was wonderful as they have always been with Dave and Sarah. Maybe it had partly to do with the removal of that heavy weight of guilt that I had been carrying for weeks. Maybe it was the newfound amazement and yes even some respect for Dave in his secretive and questionable manipulations in order to help the love of his life. Whatever it was I certainly felt better than I had in... well... weeks. I still felt a small amount of guilt for having let myself go in the first place, even now knowing that I and Sarah had been pushed into that.

I slept soundly that night, going to bed far earlier than I normally would for even a night off from work. I was pleasantly awakened by Barbra the next morning. I had given her a key to my apartment some time ago but she rarely if ever used it. She did use it that next morning however. She knew that I would be sleeping and didn't want to disturb me. She let herself in and disrobed quietly and climbed into bed with me trying not to wake me but failing in that. She spooned into me after giving me a long heart-warming kiss and telling me to go back to sleep. So, I wrapped my arms around her and snuggled into her long dark red hair at her neck and drifted back off to sleep.

I told the whole story to Barbra later that morning, well... after we had exhausted ourselves, temporarily anyway. She was just as amazed and dumbfounded as I had been, still though, she laughed about it in the end. The look on my face as Dave admitted to me what he had done must have been priceless she told me. I told her I was glad that she was amused but that I was still trying to wrap my head around it all.

"Okay, I'm showing my age here a little maybe but trust me, Jim, when I say that the heart has no conscience. Dave saw an opportunity to use you to get something he wanted. You helped him even if you didn't know it at the time. If you love someone that much, you will do most anything to help them. No conscience indeed." Barbra professed with a sad smile.

"I know that Barb... I know that all too well, but I've never been a pawn before to help someone else." I admitted in a soft pensive voice.

The rest of that day, long into the evening hours, Barbra and I made up for lost time and worked off pent up frustrations. We both needed something from the other and we both provided that something for each other. While eating dinner at the very same Italian restaurant that the recent Night Friends get together had taken place, Barb opened up about her feelings and emotions regarding her son's upcoming wedding. She lamented on how life moves so fast and never stops. She was starting to feel old. Of course, I did my best to reassure her that she was not old. Promising to accompany her on a little retreat after the wedding to as she declared it to recapture her sanity, went a long way to making her feel better. A weeks' vacation with Barbra in a cabin in the woods sounded wonderful to me. Something to look forward to, indeed.

-the end-