Betrayal

Drinking just made me cry and wallow in it. And feel like crap in the morning. Drugs are a no go. So...

All I do is work like a fiend then work out until I'm exhausted. Hoping, just hoping that when I close my eyes I can actually fall asleep. But it never works. I'm haunted every night. Every single night.

That therapist was a joke and I'm not gonna take pills so I feel nothing. What kind of existence would that be? But then, I guess this is no existence either.

Will I ever feel happy or laugh again? Or even smile like I really mean it? Will my heart ever mend enough to let someone else in? To love again? Feel joy? Excitement?

Thanks for the memories, Sam. Hell, she's probably still banging my brothers with me out of the picture. She's probably just moved on and forgotten about me. Shit! There I go again.

Way to wreck a trip to the woods, Ian. Good job. So glad I took the time off.

And the loneliness...How can there be room for loneliness with all the other shit roaring around in there? I just don't get it.

OK. Stop! Great job at taking the joy out of one of your favorite hikes. Might as well just turn around. Haven't looked at the birds or trees or enjoyed any of it. Two solid days of wallowing in the past. Shit!...Shit! Shit! Shit!

Wait. Maybe I should just stop and try that meditation stuff again. Now, quiet the mind. Say my mantra. Dismiss any thoughts that bubble up....Relax....Deep breaths...

Oh the hell with it. Not working. Again. Guess I should say fuck it, have a sandwich, and then head back down. Hold on. What's that? Same sort of feeling I had when I was going to ram the van a third time. Too weird... What? What was that sound? Sounds like a rock being thrown or something.

Must just have just slid free as the sun warmed things up.

No! Wait! Is that a person's voice? Pretty hoarse if it is. Faintly, "Hellllllp." Shit! Maybe it is. It sounds like it's down below the side of the trail somewhere. I don't see anything, though. Well, nothing to lose, I was about to turn around any way. So, might as well explore and make sure.

He looked for a 'safe' place and then climbed down the rocks. The rocks were from a long ago land slide and very unstable. With a great deal of slipping and sliding he finally reached the bottom.

There, lying on her back in the dirt was a girl. God, she looks awful. Eyes closed, she gave a little squeak, "Hellllp!" No way I should have been able to hear that.

"Miss! Miss! Are you OK?" She opened her eyes.

"Who? What? Shit! Lord? Have I been that bad? I'm dreaming that a handsome blonde haired, blue eyed prince would ride up on his steed and rescue me. Instead, you send me an ugly, bearded, giant ogre! Oh, shit! Does that mean I'm going to the hot place? And not up to the clouds?

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry for all the bad things I've done in my past. I'm trying to do better. Please! Not the hot place!? Please let me live so I can show you!"

Reaching out, she touched his arm. "Shit! You're real! Look at those arms, that hairy chest. But just look at those beautiful blue eyes. That part of my dream came true at least." But those eyes show a lot of pain, anger, hurt. Uh, oh.

He laughed. "Ugly ogre at your service, Ma'am. Looks like you're a little banged up."

"No shit, Shakespeare! Actually my legs are just fine. I'm lead ballerina in the pageant and I'm just practicing my pose. You know, how they stand there and point their toes way out to the side? Position number one? Or is it two? I don't know. Lying here on my back for fucking two days or so. Freezing to death. No food or water, or toilet facilities. And he says 'you're a little banged up.'

"Do you happen to have a little water by the way? And quit calling me Ma'am."

Chuckling again and smiling. "Just so happens I do, Ma'am." She scowled at him. "Here. Drink as much as you want. I can always get more from the stream."

"You can't just drink water from the stream. Didn't your momma teach you anything?" Oh, oh. Winced at that. "All kinds of amoebas and things in it. All I need is a case of the runs to top off my day."

"I've got a filter and chlorine tablets. The double whammy. But please don't drink enough to barf. OK?"

"OH, GOD, THAT TASTES GREAT. OK, Lord. I'm ready for the prince." But smiled at him when she said it. "I guess something to eat would be out of the question?"

"First, let's get you wrapped in my sleeping bag."

"Hey! Watch where those hands are going!"

"Sorry. All part of my back woods survival training."

"What. From You Tube?"

He laughed again. "No. A legit course. How would you like peanut butter, extra crunchy, of course? On some bread?"

"Lord? I'm lying here for two days starving to death and dreaming of food. And you send me this giant with peanut butter? No jelly?"

"No jelly."

"So you head out on a four or five day hike with a jar of peanut butter? No protein bars or candy or anything else?

Shaking his head, "...And a loaf of bread. And it IS extra crunchy. And it is a big jar."

"Lord? Have I been this bad? No Prince and now peanut butter? OK. I'll take six! Just keep 'em coming."

"Here. Can you fix 'em?" She nodded. "So how'd you manage to get all banged up and break your, legs?"

"I was pushed."

"Really?"

"Yup. Some raccoon or something. Snuck up behind me and pushed...No. Actually I was was watching these two really cute marmots. You know 'when Spring comes, a young man's fancy turns to,' well, you know. But it's Fall so I guess it was 'goodbye, honey. It's been great. See you next Spring.'

"But not your fancy, Giant! Don't get any ideas. Anyway. They disappeared further down so I stood on this rock to get a better view and....next thing I knew I was down here. I guess my legs got pinned and then I kept going forward until they popped free. The sound was pretty gross. Lots of cracking."

"Sounds like fun."

"I wouldn't recommend it to others. No more than one star."

"I agree. Let me start checking you out. Nice bruises on your face by the way. Is your head OK? Vision, teeth. All that stuff?"

"And if it's not? You'll do what exactly?"

He started laughing again. "I don't know. That's all in the next class. Haven't learned it yet. But the first one said I should ask."

"I'm starting to worry about you, Rescue Man. Maybe I should just wait a few more days for the next one."

"Let's see. It was A, B, C. Airway. Check. Breathing. Check. Circulation. Yup. Houston, she has a pulse. No wait, that's the wrong course." She rolled her eyes and he smiled at her.

"....And deliver me from evil for Thou art my..."

"First, we should probably take those boots off and check your feet to see if they're OK."

"No! Don't touch them! First, my fine fellow, you obviously flunked your You Tube course. If they were dead it's too late. Plus they're so swollen, they'd get even huger and you'd never get them back on. And my feet would freeze on the way back."

"Right. Makes sense. But they're so tight, they need to be at least loosened." She agreed.

"My, my. That feels much better. Thank you, Ogre. I should have considered that before I lapsed into dream land."

"Next. We need to slide your britches down."

"No! No! Don't even think about it! Get away from me! Don't try to touch me or I'll, I'll.... I guess there's no sense screaming. I'll hit you with this rock!. Or I'll use my jujitsu haiku karaoke on you!"

"Jujitsu, haiku, karaoke....What's that? MMMA? Some new mixed media martial art?" She started to cry.

"Look. I know I can't stop you. But please. Please don't. Don't do it. I'm already hurting so bad. If you're going to do that, please just kill me first. I just couldn't..." Tears filled her eyes and she put her hands on her face.

He held his hands up. "No. No. It's OK. I'm not going to do... to do that!" Relief filled her face.

"What! You're saying I'm not just about the fairest damsel you've ever rescued?

"Uh, no, I..."

"I'm not ravishingable?"

"Ravishingable?"

"The purpose of language, Rescue Boy, is communication and I'm sure you understood what I meant."

"Laughing, yes, I understood what you meant."

"So, you're implying I stink! Is that it?"

"No! Not at all." Smiling, "But I do think there's a reason why no animals have stopped by to check on you."

"...for thou art my shepherd..."

"No, I just want to check to see if you have any cuts. Or if the fractures are open ones. What if I just cut the pants down......"

"Nooooo! These are my onl.....these are my favorite pants. I think they're alright. See? No blood. So no big cuts. Fractures probably aren't open. I know you just want to get a peak at my special stuff."

"I suspect your special stuff is pretty much like every other woman's 'special stuff.'

"You asshole! Is that a sample of the charm you ogres use on women? No wonder there're so few of you around. I'll have you know, mine IS special. You've heard that saying, 'her ass is a gold mine?' Well....."

"That's just great. But I'm not currently doing any mining."

"What? Gay or something? OK if you are...."

"No. Not gay or something."

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry. The white band sign."

"White band sign?"

She pointed at his ring finger. Still white. A circle where the ring used to be. Two years... Would it ever go away? "You get used to looking every time a guy shows interest. They seem to lose their rings sometimes when they're on the prowl. But the white ring remains. How long?"

He grimaced and looked away. "Two years." Although it seems like yesterday.

"Death? Divorce? Wait! I'm sorry. I have no right to ask."

"No. It's alright. Divorce." His face mirrored the pain of the memories that flashed through his head.

"Oooh. Not a good one, eh?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry. So, my mountain rescue guy, how are you going to rescue me? Wait! What the heck is your name, Big Guy?"

"Ian."

"Pleased to meet you, Ian. We'll just have to quit meeting like this." And she gave a short laugh. "My name is Sam." His eyes widened and a kaleidoscope of pain, anguish, and hate flooded his face.

"Oh, damn! Her name?" He nodded. "OK. So not a good name to use or you'll leave me here for sure, I guess. My middle name is Allison. What if you called me Ali? Would that be OK?" He nodded and rubbed a tear from his eye.

"Well. Now that the introductions and social amenities are over... How. The. Hell. Are. You. Going. To. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here? Where's your horse, my nonprince?"

"I'll carry you."

"Bullshit! It's like two days back! I know you're a powerful ogre and all, but no way can you do that!"

"Ali...Look... No phone service. Two days down. Even with four wheelers it'd take the rescue team time to get you back. I'm pretty sure you won't like peanut butter any more after that.

"And that would just be wrong. So wrong. And you're a tiny thing. Just don't eat or drink too much on the way back." And they both laughed.

"I promise. What about one of those stretcher things you can make. And pull me. Mr. Woodsman. I'm sure you took a course in that as well?

"Why, yes I did, but I think that would be harder."

"OK. Truth time, Ian. The animals are correct. I have not been able to move much and I. And I, well crap. I had to pee myself and other things. I couldn't ask you to...."

"What? Your special thing stinks?"

"Well!" she smiled. "Of course not! Not my special thing! It's the stuff above and behind my special stuff."

"Another reason to get your clothes off. We can clean you up and I'll wash your clothes...."

"Please, Ian. No. Please."

"Whatever you say, Miss. We ogres aim to please. Did you have a pack or anything?"

"I did, and I had some decent food in it. But I had it off when I fell. And I heard some critter up there ripping through something that sounded like my pack."

"Must've carried it off. I didn't see it up there, but we can look again. So, why don't I pack things up and I'll splint your legs in their current positions, my ballerina. I can use those boot laces. Then gently place you on my shoulders. Hand you my backpack. And see if I can make it up the slope without killing both of us."

"Ian. There's no way!"

"No sweat. I've been working out. See my muscles?"

"Yea, great. I feel ever so much better about this. Maybe I should just die here.

"And we'll both be facing the same direction when you carry me?"

He gave her a blank look. "Oh, Rescue Man. I waste my best stuff on you."

He suddenly burst out with a laugh. "Yes. We'll both be facing the same direction." Man! It feels good to laugh again. Been a long time. She cracks me up. I can/t believe that after two days she has the strength to do anything but moan or whine. She's really something.

He packed things up. Got more water. Then picked her up. She screamed in pain even with her legs splinted, but didn't complain. He was able to easily place her on his shoulders. And handed her the pack.

What took 15 minutes on the way down. Took almost two hours going back. A lot of it on all fours. He was soaked by the time he got up to the top. "Sorry, Ali. I'm about as wet as you are."

"Yes, and you smell much worse by the way." But she patted his chest. And left it there for a bit. "Ian. You should stop and take a break."

"No. I'm fine. Your pants are very heavy, but you're not. If we could just get them off..."

"You jerk."

"Just smell that fresh mountain air..."

She slapped his head. "Smells like sweaty ogre to me..."

"They say that after a while your nose becomes accustomed..."

"Ian, please do me a favor and just throw me over the edge. I'll wait for the next rescue folks." She gently slapped his head again, but then played with his hair.

"Sorry. It'll be easy going from here. Most of it downhill. It'll be getting dark soon. Could you hand me the pack?" He reached in. Took out a headlamp, but then kept the pack, holding it by the straps. And off he went.

In under a half hour, he could feel that she had fallen asleep. Restless sleep. Whimpering in pain periodically as he bounced her around some. God. Must hurt like hell. She must be exhausted.

And a half hour later it was fully dark. He continued to walk through the night. Have to make some time. I'll stop when she wakes and needs a break or something.

On he plodded. Keeping a steady pace. Ignoring his body, but working even harder to push down the thoughts from his past and that night. That night of betrayals. The night he relived. Over and over and over. Always the same. But still he cried sometimes during the night.

She awoke with a jerk followed by a short scream. "Ian. It's dark out! You should stop and rest! Shit. Is that light over there? You mean it's almost dawn? Did I sleep through the rest time, or....No, way! You walked all night? You need to take a break! Even ogres need breaks."

"No. I'm fine. I'm kinda afraid to stop."

"I get it. But, Ian. There's a problem. I mean, I have a problem. I drank too much water. I don't know what to do." She started crying. "Ian. I'm so sorry to make you do this. What? How?"

"Tell you what. You have options. If it is going to hurt too much, just let 'er rip. I'm already pretty wet and your pants are pretty wet."

"No. I couldn't. I'm humiliated enough as it is. I usually smell like roses." He chuckled. "Just put me down on a log or something. I'll scoot my pants down and go. Don't try sneaking a peek at my special stuff, though. OK? And don't think about leaving me there."

Chuckling, "Sure, whatever."

He found a log. Lowered her down onto the log, turned his back and listened to her grimace in pain. "Need a hand with those pants, Ma'am?"

"No, Giant. And keep that head light away from me." Immediately it sounded like a raging torrent.

"Holy crap, Ali. I hope there're no erosion control guys around. We'll be fined..."

"Jerk! Just feel free to laugh it up at my expense."

"I guess it's a good thing I set you down. I'd have been soaked. My boots would have been filled. Just how much water did you drink?"

"Bad Ogre! No way to talk to a lady. You should take a break, Ian. Really. I need more water and some of that stupid peanut butter. I'm freezing so I need the sleeping bag. How 'bout it?"

"Sure. One hour. No more. I'm setting a timer. Here's the bag of water and grub. I'll just lie down here for a minute..."

"No, Ogre. We both get under the sleeping bag and stay warm OK? Can you be trusted?"

"I'll be just like those animals where you got hurt."

"Lord? Please deliver me from this evil. Don't care how you do it, but..." She smiled at him, then continued to look at him.

He smiled and moved under the bag with her. Snoring, exhaustedly, immediately. It seemed like a minute later the alarm went off. He awoke, stretched. Not sure that break was a good idea. Rehydrated and ate a dollop of peanut butter. Leaving the bread for her.

"Ready to go? Need to visit a log?" She nodded. He lifted her and put her on the log and turned his back again. When she was ready, he lifted her onto his shoulders, picked up the pack and headed off.

"So, Ian, where are you from. You don't sound like you're 'from around here.' I mean you have a touch of accent that ain't New York."

"North Carolina. An hour or so from Raleigh. You know where that's at?"

"Sure. Between Iowa and Minnesota right?"

Laughing. "Yup."

"Ian. When I get better and can use my legs, you better watch your family jewels. I know where Raleigh is. I used to spend a lot of time looking at maps online at the library. Thinking about where I would visit when....when and if I ever got the opportunity. Did you go to NC State?"

"No. UNC Charlotte. I liked the computer sciences program there. And wanted to move away from home a little bit."

"Makes sense. Both cities are some of the fastest growing in the country, you know, with great employment possibilities."

"I'm impressed. How'd you know that?"

"I read. And usually I remember most of what I read. I don't know. It's just kinda there."

"Where'd you go?"

"GED. That's it. I want to go, but....never had the opportunity. Life happened. You know. I, well, my childhood wasn't...well, it wasn't the nuclear family or the Brady's.

"So what do you do, Ian? Work that is. You know, other than rescuing fair damsels in the woods?"

"I have a computer store. Sales, service, info."

"The computer store in town?" He nodded. "I look in the window sometimes. Computers are amazing. They can take you anywhere. Teach you anything. I wish I knew more about them. I've only ever used the ones at school or the library. And they're kind of..."

"Old. You should learn. Great career opportunities. Heck, maybe you could work for me."

"Really, Ian? That would be incredible. I would be your best employee ever."

"Well, you would be my only employee ever."

"So I guess I would be the best." And laughed.

"Yes, you would be the best. I'll get you a plaque. You could even be employee of the month."

"Amazing!" But then sighing. "But you don't have to, Ian. You're doing enough. More than enough.

"So, tell me about this ex-, Ian. What happened?" He tensed and quit walking.

"Ian! Ian, I'm so sorry. My mouth is always getting me in trouble. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up. It just slipped out."

He started walking again. "Ian. Say something. I'm sorry. My mom said my mouth could have sunk the Titanic. Always getting me in trouble."

He walked all day, taking only brief stops. They didn't really talk much after that. He just trudged along. She admired his strength. Rubbed his dark brown hair affectionately. And admired the beauty of the forest. And wished she'd have kept her mouth shut.

Most of the leaves were gone higher up, but lower down many persisted. Mostly though she just stared ahead down the trail. Thoughts just drifting here and there while she tried to ignore the pain. The pain that steadily increased as her legs dangled.