Betrayal

"You ogres have such a way with words. I'll bet those big, horsey ogre chicks just swoon...But, Ian...I just don't know..." he held up his hand.

"You need help, Ali. Simple. That's what humans do. Or at least, should do." And what the hell else do I have to spend my money on? "Happy to help. All of you is special. And needs to be cared for. Not just..." and he pointed downward.

"Mr. Ogre. You are too much. Would you help me to bed and get this hardware under the covers. I need a short nap, I think. Then I need to do my exercises, eat, and wear out about six razor blades." He helped her to the bedside, but made her transfer into the bed.

"Ian, before you go. I know this is breaking all the rules...You know...About being strictly professional and all. But can I give you a kiss for all that you've done?"

"What? Uh, sure." He leaned over and gave her a lip to lip kiss. She tensed as he started, but then relaxed, grabbed his cheeks, slid a tongue between his lips, which he matched with his own. She sighed then broke away.

"You dickhead! Get the hell out of here!"

"I'm sorry, Ali. Maybe I misunderstood..."

"You did." Real quietly. "It was supposed to suck, but it didn't. I was supposed to hate it, but I didn't. It was great. Oh, Ian....I...I shouldn't have done that, right?"

He looked confused and turned to leave. "Wait! Try it again, Ogre." He walked back, bent and kissed her again. She probed, sighed, reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck and held on. "Dammit. Still great. Ian? What am I going to do?"

"Concentrate on getting better, Ali. I'll go make you a peanut butter sandwich."

"Get out! Wait! Where are you going to sleep, Ian? I'm taking your bed. That's not right."

"I bought an inflatable mattress. I figured the couch just wouldn't hack it. And all of that metal of yours would likely pop the mattress. I'll be fine. Take your nap and I'll rustle up something healthy. After you do all your rituals, we'll have a TV lesson."

Early the next morning he helped her get into her chair, get cleaned up, and laid out scrubs with the legs cut for her to wear. "We didn't talk about it yesterday, but I bought you a bunch of clothes for you to wear. T-shirts. I got", sheepishly, "long sleeved ones. Baggy shorts, some shirts, sweat shirts, those scrubs, some pull over house dresses. I bought you some undies, but could not even guess for boulder holders."

She wheeled over. "Boulder holders? Colorful. Is that what you call them in North Carolina? I'm a 34C, but maybe I should go with you to buy 'em. I could go without, but then you'll be all panting and drooling and stuff.... What the hell, Ian? Old lady underwear?"

"They're practical, Ali"

"I already feel bad enough about myself. These should really help my self esteem."

"Sorry, Ali. I can take back what doesn't fit and take you to the store to get anything else you need. You know our motto, 'we aim to please.' Ali. Stop. No tears. It's no big deal."

"It's a huge deal, Ian. No one. No one has ever given me anything but drugs and trouble...."

They settled into a routine. Ali tried to find things to do. She tried cooking his meals, cleaning, doing laundry. She started watching You Tube videos on his TV about computers, cooking, and all sorts of things. She sat out in the sun when it was warm and talked to neighbors as they walked by getting to know them and their dogs. But...

When Ian came home, "Ian? Would you take me to work with you and maybe teach me about computers? I've never even had a cell phone. Or computer. Or anything like that. I'd like to work and help out. Learn about them. I could greet customers...I guess. If I can see them from my chair.

"And I assume, of course, that your office is ADA compliant." She smiled at him. "But I could answer the phone, take messages. That sort of thing.

"What d'you think?"

"Sure. That'd be great."

Next morning she accompanied him to work. He started moving things to clear passageways for her so she could navigate and showed her around. "So this is the infamous Computer Services headquarters. Very nice. Do you get a lot of walk-ins or are most scheduled appointments?"

"Both." She mostly watched, but started greeting folks as they came in.

"Ali. I have to see someone real quick. I'll be back within the hour. Please tell folks that and they can come back or take their number and I'll call. Whatever they want.

"Same for the phone. Message and number. There are pads by the phone and on the counter. If you have an issue or questions, call me. Here's my number."

Seems he left at the busiest time. Each person got a friendly greeting, an apology, an explanation and was offered options. When he returned, he had lunch and a package. He added a box from the back to his bag full of stuff and they ate together. Then he dealt with all the customers.

She loved it. When they got home she offered to make dinner, but he winked at her and told her he would take care of it. After dinner... "Ali? I have a couple of things for you.

"]First. Here. Is a cell phone. Really a computer with a small screen. I have already put my number in it so you can call or text. And I'll show you how to do all that. I also added the doctor's number.

"And here's an iPad. A computer with a bigger screen. And I'll teach you all about that as well."

"Holy shit, Ian. No way! This is too much! Way, way too much! Take 'em back."

He held up a hand. "No big deal, Ali. But, to make up for it, I would like you to become my iPad and iPhone guru. I get five or more phone calls every day from people who are stuck. Just can't figure out what they're doing wrong.

"I'm happy to help because, you know, they turn into future customers, but I really don't have the time. And there's no money attached to the phone call. If you could learn enough to help with those calls....Well, it would help me out a lot. There is a ton of stuff on line.

"Once you've conquered the Apple universe, we could add the Android world. What d'ya think. Something you might be interested in?"

"Heck yes. That'd be great! I can't wait to master these critters. Do I get a certificate or plaque or something...."

He grinned and shook his head. "Sure, Ali. You'll get a certificate or something.

"They're already set up to join the network here and at work. So if you wanted to send me a quick message....."

That night, as soon as he put his head down, his phone buzzed. Shit! Now what?

>Ian. Thank you for everything. I'll never be able to make it up to you, but I'll try.

Her first text.

Her followups went well. She was getting stronger. She was becoming a computer fiend trying to learn as much as she could, often staying up well after he went to bed. As they rolled through week two...

"Ali? I'm getting tired of you sitting on your ass all day. I know you're learning all the Apple stuff, but..."

"I'm sorry, Ian. What...What do you want me to do, I..."

He smiled. "How would you like to go to school?"

"I think I'd like it a lot, but I don't have any money for that. My boss only pays me with room and board." And smiled.

"Ali, the Community Colleges have free tuition. And, you could do it on line or in person. I talked to the folks at the CC nearby and they think you should apply.

"The application is online. We'll have to track down your birth certificate, high school records. Uh, Ali? Did you finish high school? You know, it's fine if you didn't it's just that..."

"Easy, Ian. I finished. Remember? GED? Barely. It was a struggle, but I did it."

"Great! And we need a bunch of stuff like that, but as a new computer whiz, that shouldn't be hard for you. And here is my charge card for any fees. What do you think?

"They actually have computer training courses leading to a certificate. And we know how much you like those. And they're geared for those who are working. Since it's a training program, you don't have to take all the distribution courses and stuff. Unless you want to. Just computer. The semester starts next week, so if we hurry."

She grabbed him and gave him a long, passionate kiss. "Thank you, Ian. Thank you. Ian? Am I wrong to think that maybe you like me a little, you know, like more than just someone you rescued or something?"

"No, Ali. You're not wrong. Not by a long shot."

"I....Ian, my body is screaming to grab hold of you, but my head. My head is so screwed up....Ian. I'm just scared to death. This is all new to me. And I have so much baggage. You deserve so much more.

"I don't know how to go about it and I just know I'm going to fuck it up. Remember the Titanic story? Please, talk to me, tell me if I'm screwing up. And I hope against hope that you can be patient with me. I...I've never felt this way towards anyone before...and I really don't want to screw this up. Always remember that." He nodded.

He gave her a quick kiss. "No worries, Ali. No rush. You set the pace. Now go online and start that application."

Just three days later just as the shop was closing a young woman with short hair walked in. Nervous, anxious, unsure. She finally took three deep, calming breaths and walked forward. Ali greeted her. "High, Miss. Thank you for coming in. We were just about to close, but what may I do to help you?"

Standing tall and erect, taking a deep breath. "I need to see Ian. It is imperative that I talk to him and discuss a few things with him."

"Uh, OK. He's in the back. I'll get him. May I tell him what it is about?"

She looked down. "It would probably be better if you didn't." Then, "Wait! You're THE girl. Ali! The girl from the news stories! That's how I found him. After two years.

"What news stories?"

"Your picture and story were all over the news. You're the girl Ian saved, right?"

"Ah...Yes. I guess I am. Oh, damn!....And looking at you, I'm guessing that you're THE Sam." She nodded.

"You're probably right. I shouldn't warn him. I'll get him." And whispering, "Good luck." She wheeled back. "Ian. There's someone here who needs to talk to you very badly. And I think you need to listen very carefully. Try, OK?"

"What?...." He walked out and stopped dead in his tracks, then slowly made his way to the counter. Eye to eye, keeping the counter between them. Not saying a word.

She straightened herself. "Oh, Ian." She reached a hand towards his face, then let it drop. "Ian. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I've done. For what I've done to you. I loved you so much. You were the only man I ever loved. I still love you. I ache for you. I miss you so deeply. Every night I realize how much I miss having you beside me....

"But what kind of person could do to you what I did? How could I have ever thought it was OK? Even once! It was wrong. Everything about it was wrong. So wrong. How?....Why?....

"I've been going to therapy every week just about since you left and I still don't have those answers." He simply continued to stare at her.

"My nights are haunted by the evil that I've done. I don't think I will ever get over it. As you hit the van the second time, I didn't know it was you. I vowed that if the Lord would let me live, I would be the best, most faithful wife in the world. And I meant it. I haven't seen Bo or Rex since that night. I haven't seen anyone."

Sobbing and gasping for air. "I'm not asking for your forgiveness, or your understanding. I don't deserve those. I'm not asking for anything other than you let me help you. If I could take your pain and pull it into me, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'll do anything to help. Anything.

"If you never want to see me again. That's OK. I understand. Oh, how I understand. I live the pain I caused every day and can't even imagine what you carry inside. But thank you for letting me at least apologize. Thank you so very much for that."

She took a few gasping breaths to breathe between sobs. He continued to stare. She wavered. "Ian? Please say something. Please let me help you. You still have the look of pain in your eyes." She turned to leave, but stopped.

"But, Ian. If you do nothing else, please see your folks. Your Mom still cries every day. They barely talk to Bo and Rex. Those two moved out of town. Your folks almost got divorced over this, Ian. Your Dad blames your Mom for all of it. He wanted to tell you from the start. My folks are the same. Hell they may both end up divorced. BECAUSE OF MY SINS! Because of what I did!"

She grabbed herself. And gave in to an anguished soul filled moan. Pleading. "Please, Ian. Please say something...anything. I just hurt so bad..."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, IAN? For God's sake. Hug her, console her, yell at her! Do any fucking thing other than stare at her. Remember? Humans helping humans? All that shit. People in need?

"Fuck, Ian! You have two women who are madly in love with you. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. No, dammit! I'm not sorry. You have two women who are madly in love with you. Who would make a deal with God, with the devil, with anyone...

"Who would trade their eternal happiness to ease your pain just a little, to drag you out of that fucked up head of yours and back into life, but you won't let us in.

"One fucking look into your eyes and you can see the pain inside. I see it. Sam can see it. I love you to death, but I fall apart every time I look into those eyes. It hurts ME to death, but it has to be a nightmare in that brain of yours. But you won't open up that fucking shell you've put around yourself to let me in. To let us in."

"IT'S BEEN TWO FUCKING YEARS, IAN! TIME TO LET THE DEMONS OUT! TIME TO LET THEM GO! TIME TO WORK ON FORGIVENESS AND FORGETTING! Please?"

Sam stared. Open mouthed. No one talked to Ian that way. Ian swung his face from Sam to Ali. Anger and hate flaring. All that he felt inside was on the surface now. He stepped forward and grabbed her T-shirt, lifting her part way out of the chair. Glaring at her.

"Do it, Ian. DO IT! YOU BIG PUSSY! I've seen that face before. Plenty of times. I know what comes next. I've lived it. I've been there before. Do it! If it'll make you feel even a little better. DO IT! Yell at me, slap me, hit me. Beat the shit out of me. I don't care. Do it? Please? Just do it! Let it out!"

"You don't know what it's like, Ali. Every night all I see is my wife, who I loved with all my heart being fucked by one brother while the other one is sitting there with his cock in his hand ready to take his turn." They heard Sam gasp and wail in the pain of recollection.

"You saw us? Oh, my God, no. I'm so sorry? I..." A groan of pain rushed out of Sam. She covered her mouth with her hands and started sobbing.

"And knowing it had gone on when we dated and through my whole marriage.

"Finding out that your parents knew and never told you. That her parents knew and never told you...betrayal after betrayal after betrayal by those you loved and trusted. How do you think I should feel?"

"It was awful, Ian. A terrible thing to happened to you, to anyone. BUT GET FUCKING OVER IT! DON'T LET THE MEMORIES TAKE ALL THE JOY FROM YOUR LIFE!"

He tightened his grip and lifted her further. "But the visions, the nightmares."

"YOU ASSHOLE! YOU WANT VISIONS? Imagine being raped at your thirteenth birthday party by your mom's 'friend' while she watched. So fucking stoned she couldn't move. All she could do was cry. And then I don't think she even remembered it. She never mentioned it.

"So much for my special first time. What was yours like, Ian?

"Imagine being asked to the Junior Prom. I liked the guy and he was the first person, the very first boy who looked past my mom, saw me and asked me out. Imagine your Junior Prom dress being ripped off you and being raped by another of her 'friends.'

"A friend who then beat me so badly that I ended up in the hospital. 'Just for the hell of it.' The last thing I remember, Ian, is my date knocking on the door and another guy telling him to get lost. I wasn't going. And taking the flowers he had brought for me and throwing them on the ground. My last day at school. Never went back.

"Imagine waking up in bed with your Mom. Still a little high, but already starting to feel the need, the cravings, the ache. And wondering how you were going to get some stuff. What I was going to have to do to get it.

"Opening your eyes and rolling over to find that she is staring at you. Blue, cold, stiff, lifeless. DEAD! And knowing that if you hadn't been so fucking high you could have saved her life. Saved her life so she could still be with you. She was a horrible person, took everything I ever had. BUT SHE WAS MY FUCKING MOM!

"Wanna go vision for vision, Ian? I've got bunches of them. Bet I win."

"Look at my arms, my legs. Scars all over them. But I have the same scars everywhere. Anywhere there was a vein. Hell, I drew my own blood at the hospital because they couldn't find a vein. Then I started my own temporary IV so they could give me antibiotics and stuff until they put a big one in my neck when I was asleep.

"I'm ugly. I am scared to death that some day you will want to look at all of me and be so turned off that you'll vomit and tell me to leave. Those scars remind me of who I was. Who I will never be again.

"But you. You hide your fucking scars in that big fucking chest of yours. In that beautiful but dumb as shit head of yours. And in that place where your soul should be.

"Let us help you, Ian. If not one or both of us. Then your Mom or someone you haven't met yet. Let someone in! Let someone help you!" Crying even harder. "You are more addicted to your pain, your visions, your suffering than I was to heroin. GET OFF THE DRUGS, IAN! PLEASE!"

He continued to glare at her eye to eye. She braced herself. She could almost feel the first blow, knowing it would break her heart, shatter her world. The strike never came. He continued to hold her by the T-shirt and glared at her. The new source of his crushing pain.

Looking at his eyes, Ali then said in a quiet voice. Almost a whisper, a mournful, pain filled whisper, "I told you I was afraid I'd fuck it up. I fucked it up big time, didn't I, my Ogre? I never could keep my mouth shut. I'm sorry. I....I....I'll stay at the store tonight and make my way back to the crisis center tomorrow. Thanks for everything...I'll figure out a way to pay you back..."

He relaxed his grip and let her slide back down into her seat. His face changed and his body relaxed, deflated like all the air was leaving it. He started to cry. For the first time since that night back in Carolina, he started to cry. "Ian? Ian. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"Ali. You. Can. Not. Leave! I need you. I may have saved your body, but you are saving me. Everything you said was true. I needed that. I'm sorry. God. If I'd have hit you? I couldn't have lived with it. THAT would be something I would never get over. I am sorry." He bent over and kissed her. He wiped a tear from her eye.

Turning. "Sam." She flinched. "I'm sorry too. I should have listened to what you were saying. We were younger, stupid. I should have known from the start. As I look back, the signs were always there.

"We don't get any dry runs in life. No do overs. Maybe we're now better versions of ourselves. I don't know. You can still be the best, most faithful wife. But just not mine. I'm sorry about that. But there's just no way." She nodded. "And I do forgive you."

He went around the corner and hugged her. She grabbed him tight and started to sob. "Ian. I am so sorry. I messed up everything and look at all the people who suffered. I don't think anyone ever screwed things up as much as I did. But thank you. Thank you a thousand times."

He continued to hold her while she cried. When she had it together, she released him. Ali piped up, "Sam. You're a very beautiful woman, but right now you look like crap. Maybe we all do. The rest room is right around the corner. Why don't I show you where it's at and you clean up a bit.