All Comments on 'Betrayal Pt. 01'

Wel, done and well played. A 5 star start to a promising story. Cheers

Can't wait to read more.

It's borderline consentual but really well written. But I would have really loved some more introduction of the characters. What was said before, what was the bet, etc.

Good start to a BDSM fantasy. The stage has already been set with this first chapter (first day, day 1 of 90). You can decide on the # of chapters to use.

What assholes! For me, the only way this story makes it, is for Jenny to get revenge on her so called friend and the cunt who actually tortured her. May her Neuro pathways be altered to make her the f!among bitch, doubling on them what they did to her. There's a big difference in a bet with a time limit and permanently altering someone. I hope this isn't the typically predictable torture and more torture, then with nowhere to go and no storyline, it just ends.

You introduce a man exerting dominance over Jenny at the beginning of the story, then flashback and wrote about nothing but women? Not cool. Readers are expecting the man to return. Sure, you might bring him back in another chapter before the 24 hours have passed, but that's not good enough. Chapters of an erotic serial need to have a beginning, middle, and an end. This Ch 1 had a beginning and a middle. No end. It's ok to have a hook at the end, but there needs to *be* an end, some kind of resolution to an unanswered question.

Many times the question is, "Will they, won't they?" (with the reader believing the entire time that yeah, they will). Here, the question was, "What is the man going to do to her?" There was no resolution to that question. There wasn't even a hook.

Make no mistake: I was interested in the plot; it was enticing. However, you failed miserably with the execution.