All Comments on 'Breaking Angela Ch. 01'

This is very nice start ;)! Hope You will continue!

Thank you, this is my first attempt at writing so I am still pretty much a virgin. The second chapter is finished and submitted to the best editor in the entire whole world so I hope to have it submitted in five or six days!

You think this is nice? NO, it isn't.

I'm sorry that you did not like my story. If you would kindly leave so.e feedback on the parts you believe need work I would love to hear them. Thank you

Congrats on Your Lit Debut

It takes courage to post a story and open yourself up to criticism. Here are a few random thoughts in no particular order. It always strikes me as odd when recently captured people vent their frustrations by making threats they can’t carry out, or screaming derogatory epithets at their captors. Personally, in their position I’d probably tend to listen more and curse less. After all, isn’t it in their best interests to cooperate as much as possible? At least until I make a solid plan for escape. But that’s just me. Most of these stories start out just like yours.

On the technical side of writing, I’m not sure what you have against commas, but given your fondness for phrases and clauses, using them greatly facilitates the reader’s comprehension. By separating your dependent and independent clauses with commas as appropriate , your intended meaning is clarified. A comma makes a world of difference between “Let’s eat, Grandmother,” and “Let’s eat Grandmother.” Wouldn’t you agree?

I enjoyed that. Keep it up.

You've left me wondering, just like you wanted.

Thank you for your comments and idea's I will try to do better in future works. I too agree with you and what you said about her reaction. I felt their had to be a some fight, some boundry testing from poor Angela before she understood the trouble she was in.

Future stories will see a new Angela willing or not! Have a great day and I appreciate the imput.

Is this a “Some Guy wants girl but is too big of wimp to ask for a date so he hires someone else to go get her and train her for him” story? You know the ones that end with since she is broken when she finally recognizes Some Guy is the one who wanted her, and she always had a secret crush on Some Guy anyway, they fall happily and madly in love?

I say the because Steven’s character is too hands off, too distant in his approach to training a slave. No personal care or connection. Too restrained in his actions and reactions. So clearly she is not meant for him.

Slave’s character is thin at this point in the story. No real background, no personality, just another two X chromosome flesh bag in need of serious training. These absent details leaving her bland and boring are often filled in when the real star of the story arrives.

Can’t wait to see who comes out of the shadows to claim her. Thank you for sharing.

Strong agreement with nthusiastic. Being held prisoner, possibly tied up, seems like a terrible position to make threats from since there is nothing to stop the other party from killing you and dumping you in a ditch. Unless you're deliberately pretending to be stupid so you can better "pretend" to be broken in later and make your escape. But that's not what she's doing. And asking to be freed in exchange for a blowjob is beyond the pail of naivety. Also, the attempted escape in Chapter 2 was beyond dumb as well. She's trapped in the middle of a large, well organized facility and it's obviously well funded and connected. Her plan is to punch one guy in the nuts and try to make a break for it? Not even kill him, silence him, and try to get away stealthily? Stupid. If she was being trained in a cabin in the woods and there seemed to be no-one else around, then I'd buy the "punch him in the nuts and run" plan. But I can overlook all that, since people do dumb things when they're scared. Hell, people do dumb things even when they're not scared.

The main issue here is the breaking and the breaking here is... well, I guess some people get off on it, but I just don't buy it. Some guys can't get off to badly faked pleasure, and I can't get off to badly constructed stories. Like, I buy the idea of psychologically breaking someone into submission, but this novel took a seemingly normal girl and had her do a 180 from fighting it to loving it and all because they got her off. Which wouldn't work with most people because for most people, sex isn't everything. And it's not like she'd shown any inclinations towards being a sex slave either. Her porn habits were very vanilla and there were no mentions of M tendencies. If they'd done comprehensive screening before hand and determined that there was a sex-crazed slut hidden inside her, then fine, maybe. Just barely, I might buy it. But as it is, they're abducting random young women on the basis that some old guy wants them. Even if the trainers can break them, what's to say that the new masters will keep them broken? The way these guys do things, a slave will eventually slip the net, bide their time, and when the master's guard is down, slit their throat and come after the organization with a vengeance even if they die in the process. People have given their lives for less.

Also, minor point of note, going from anal virgin to a wrist-thick dildo forcibly jammed up there, and you're going to get some insane tearing and bleeding that lasts for ages. Permanent even. People have ended up in diapers for life for less. I can honestly overlook details like that easily though since they aren't inextricably linked to the rest of the story. The scene would work with a more sensibly sized dildo and the rest of the story stays as is.