Broken Open

I've been dabbling with kink in real life for a while now. I thought I was deep in it, thought feeling a bare hand spank me and being restrained and fucked was the pinnacle of what BDSM could be for me.

It turns out, I had no idea what I was doing, neither did the men I engaged with. It wasn't until I had an experience with someone who embodied what it means to engage in deeply meaningful and connecting kink and all it has to offer.

He knows who He is and exactly what He wants.

We had met at an in person event, it was a fun and pleasant enough encounter. I didn't think he even noticed me. After our initial meeting, we didn't connect again for a few weeks.

When we did reconnect through an online platform, I threw out there that I wouldn't mind a wild night of sex. It was tongue in cheek as I didn't want to be too disappointed if he turned me down.

He didn't, he offered to host our meeting and I felt a small tingle at the idea of going to his home, not knowing what to expect. We exchanged numbers and we texted often, engaging right away in D/s play, it was fun and arousing.

At one point, he instructed me not to touch myself without his permission. I pleasure myself often and I'm not used to letting anyone know. On the morning before our first meeting, I confessed to him that I had cum without his permission the night before. He told me that I had violated his directive and I would have to be punished. Far from being afraid, the very idea of being punished aroused me.

The next morning it was finally time to meet and he sent me this text:

"When you get here, park behind my car. Come into the gate on that side of the house. Close the gate, disrobe before you come in the door. Go down the stairs, take a step forward, close your eyes and let me know you're ready."

Reading the text alone caused a shiver throughout my body. I could barely concentrate on anything. I was grateful it was a weekend and I was only distracted from chores and not my work responsibilities.

It was finally time to leave. Somehow, I knew this would be different than any experience I'd had so far with a man. I couldn't tell you why I knew, I just did.

I wore a simple summer dress that clung to my curves and was easy to remove. I didn't bother with a bra, one never lasted long on my body so why bother? I did wear a thong, for some reason, I didn't want to be completely naked underneath on the drive over. I parked and read the text a few more times.

I walked through the open gate, up the stairs and decided not to look around too much for fear of someone seeing me and I'd be too nervous to follow his instructions. I quickly removed my dress and thong and entered. The house was quiet and I couldn't get a sense of where he may have been. I tried not to think too much on his whereabouts, rather I needed to concentrate on following my instructions. I walked down a few stairs and closed my eyes.

I said quietly, "I'm ready." I realized he didn't hear me when I heard him say, "You didn't follow all the instructions, kitten."

My mind went blank and I instinctively kneeled. I heard him chuckle as he moved in front of me, stroked my cheek, and told me to stand.

"That wasn't it, but that's nice too. You were to let me know you are ready," he said as he took my arm to indicate for me to rise.

I felt embarrassed for just a few seconds because he next placed something soft over my eyes. "Can you see?" He asked. "No." I said as I shook my head.

My knees almost buckled when he held my face and gave me a kiss. His lips were soft and his kiss tender. I instinctively followed his lead, opening my mouth as our kiss deepened. He moved away and I felt myself leaning forward wanting more.

"We're off to a good start." I heard him say.

With his hands on my shoulders he said in my ear, "I will lead you."

While I trusted he wouldn't have me walking into a wall, I kept my hands in front of me as I walked blindfolded into a smaller room. He moved me to what I quickly realized was a spanking bench. He helped me lean over it and spread my legs straddling it as I lay face down.

I heard rustling as he shared with me that there would be a number of different sensations. He instructed me to count to five for each instrument. I swallowed hard and said, "Yes, Sir."

I felt the first strike and I jumped as I started counting. I was trying to let go and just feel, but I was also trying to keep track of the count so I don't get extra strikes. I felt a paddle, flogger and other instruments that I couldn't identify. The last instrument was the most painful and by then my ass was on fire and I was panting. There was a pause and next thing I knew he held my hips as he entered me. My pussy was soaked and ready for his cock. I moaned as he pushed himself in and out.

It was a deeply erotic experience, my ass in pain and hot from the strikes and my pussy aroused and eager for his cock. He stopped abruptly and helped me up off the bench.

As I stood in front of him he removed the blindfold and said, "You did well, kitten." I wanted to purr and rub myself against him. I wanted only to please him. My pleasure being inextricably tied with his satisfaction.

"Here is what I used on you." He gestured as he spoke.

It was then that I noticed a king sized bed next to the spanking bench.

Spread out were various implements meant to cause pain. Two wooden paddles, one small and one large, a flogger and others that I barely registered.

We spent the next few hours in a blurred tangle of bodies and heightened erotic sensations. All my senses engaged in such a way that I felt intoxicated, high on sex, pain, pleasure. Untangling it all, my next coherent memory was sitting in front of the TV.

I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. It came over me unexpectedly as we watched a fun show about a decorator who helped people design sex rooms in their homes. I couldn't pinpoint what exactly set me off, but I found myself weepy and deeply insecure.

I underestimated how vulnerable this encounter made me and how much I needed the release of tension through impact play. I attempted to articulate what I was feeling when he noticed my unease and asked me about it, but I'm not sure I made any sense. He surprised me by letting me know I needed to release even more of what I was holding.

He had me lay across his lap and he spanked me as I gave myself permission to let go. I cried and let go. It was cathartic and healing. I wouldn't have known to ask for this, for more pain, more impact. It was exactly what I needed. He held me after until I felt myself completely calm and sated.

It was an experience that held so many aspects of what it means to be human. As humans we long to be seen, cared for, feel pleasure and connect with others. This experience solidified why I love kink. Experiencing authentic connection in this way takes intention, vulnerability most importantly, trust.