C. R. A. P.

Since converting to Christianity, Teah Jones felt like the Lord had blessed her with her new job.

Community Regional Action Partnership put out an ad for a WIC clerk, and the division supervisor thought that Teah was right for the job. Teah's boss was Lisa Stewart, a newlywed who was related to the Vice President.

Teah got a good referral from her last supervisor, an older man named Burgess. Teah was his personal assistant for years, which Lisa understood because she started off as a personal assistant too. Lisa admired Teah to an extent.

Lisa often dropped by Teah's cubicle to chat, but Teah always seemed like she was busy. The one thing they did enjoy talking about was pooping.

Lisa loved taking a dump. She was known for blowing restrooms and putting miles on toilets. Her turds were legendary at Community Regional Action Partnership.

Teah wasn't trying to compete with Lisa, but her turds were harder, thicker, and longer than Lisa's. Lisa was a bit jealous of Teah, but showed Teah respect, because Teah was older and more experienced.

Lisa's bathroom routine was the same: at around 9am, she'd take a poop and around 4pm she'd do it again.

During those said times, fellow employees knew to stay clear of the restrooms that Lisa used, because the smell of her bowel movements were so strong, any pest problems in the building would be eliminated.

Teah was quite the bathroom bomber herself. But, she wasn't vocal like Lisa. Teah let her logs speak for her.

Break time meant gossip, and that meant co-workers speaking their minds about how they hated Lisa.

Lisa was in the unisex bathroom, having her morning bowel movement. Everybody knew what she was doing in there. Teah could only imagine how stinky and messy Lisa's shit was as it curled from her anus.

Teah sipped her hot tea with sugar and lemon while her co-workers kicked Lisa's back in.

"Lisa's blowing up the bathroom," said a woman.

"Like clockwork," said a younger lady.

"That bitch don't have no home training," said a rather flamboyant man with clear, acrylic nail polish.

"She poops like a rhino," the woman said.

The younger lady said, "She got the nerve to tell us to dress appropriately and she wears house slippers here."

"Lisa's feet stink," said the flamboyant man.

The co-workers shared a laugh. Teah grinned.

"See?" said the flamboyant man, "even Teah agrees."

"No comment," Teah said.

"Well, I'll put it out there. Lisa's feet smell like some hard, crunchy taco shells. Make somebody wanna put salsa on that heifer's toes. She have that whole office lit up."

A toilet was heard flushing in the distance.

"Bitch better flush more than once," said the woman.

The younger lady said, "The amount of shit she puts in that toilet, she needs to use an outhouse or porta pot."

The flamboyant man said, "Lisa only got her position, because her cousin is the vice president here. She needs to work for what she wants like everybody else, because ain't nobody gonna hold her hand and wipe her ass."

"How exactly does Lisa Stewart wipe herself?" asked the younger lady. "How does he get her stubby little arms back there to clean her butthole after she shits?"

"Maybe she doesn't," the woman said. "That explains why she's got brown streaks in her underwear to go with the mean streak she has toward us. Hateful bitch."

The co-workers hushed up when Lisa approached with her dress shirt tucked tightly into her dress pants.

Lisa must've misted herself in body spray, because she had a thick, heavy scent of strawberry cream.

"How y'all doin'?" Lisa asked.

Teah's three co-workers smiled in Lisa's face and told them that they were doing fine. Lisa looked to Teah and noticed that Teah was withdrawn from the others.

"How do you like it here so far?" Lisa asked Teah.

"Okay," Teah replied, not really sure not to answer her supervisor after everything she just heard about her.

Lisa looked at the others, then at Teah.

"Okay. Break's over. Back to work, you guys."

The others returned to their cubicles.

"Teah, can I see you in my office?"

Teah looked around to see if anybody heard what Lisa said to her. She followed Lisa to the office in the back.

But, the proof that something might've been wrong was in the fact that Teah was following Lisa to the back of the division with no paperwork in hand.

Teah entered Lisa's office and Lisa shut the door.

Whispers filled the office area.

Teah stood before Lisa's desk. Lisa sat down.

"Have a seat, Mrs. Jones."

"I'd rather stand, Ms. Stewart. I imagine what you have to say to me won't take long."

When Lisa removed her high heels and her knee-high stockings, Teah instantly smelled corn chips.

The unpleasant smell was faint, but very evident.

"What do they say about me?" Lisa asked. "That I'm mean? That I'm a bitch? That my feet stink?"

Teah snorted to stifle her laughter.

"You think it's funny?" Lisa asked.

"No," Teah said. "I'd never laugh at you if--"

"Cut the bullshit," Lisa said, removing a 4 ounce can of foot spray from her desk drawer. "I know you hear what they say about me." Lisa sprayed down her feet. "I want to catch the fuckers who are kicking my back in."

"You want me to be a snitch?" Teah asked.

Lisa put foot spray away and slammed the drawer.

"You're the only worker here that doesn't give me any shit. We should all be working together to make the workplace better for all of us."

"I'd rather not get involved."

Lisa smiled at Teah, but Teah didn't smile back.

"Girl, I just blew the door off of that unisex bathroom with my bowel movement. It stunk so bad, I had to light a match in there. The smell knocked me on my ass."

She's so trifling, Teah thought. How is she gonna come to work with stinkin' ass feet and expect people to show her respect? I mean, her shitting is one thing. We all do that. But, come on Lisa! Your co-workers aren't really lying on you. Your feet do stink!

"We all poop," Teah said. "It's perfectly normal."

"But your poops aren't normal," Lisa said. "In fact, I heard you went to the ER for constipation, and you left a huge brick in a bedpan after you couldn't take a dookie for a whole week." Lisa bobbed her head. "I admire you."

"Excuse me?" Teah asked.

"Girl, I love taking a dookie. It feels so good when it comes out of my butthole, and my butthole is tiny too."

"You married?" Teah boldly asked.

"Yeah," Lisa promptly replied. "Happily."

"How does Mr. Stewart feel about your foot odor?"

"Stewart is my maiden name," Lisa corrected Teah.

"You don't use your husband's name for professional purposes. That's cool. But, I prefer to use mine."

"Even though you're divorced, right Teah?"

"Let's get back to you, Lisa. Does your husband tell you that your feet stink?"

"All the time," Lisa said.

"Then, maybe it isn't gossip around here. Maybe your co-workers are concerned about your health."

"My concern is my reputation," Lisa said. "The people who are talking behind my back will get dealt with, but I need you to point out the ones who are doing it."

Teah folded her arms.

"What do I get in return?"

Lisa cocked her head to the side.

"You want something in return? Like what?"

"I'm making 10 dollars less than what I was making at my previous job as a personal assistant. Do the math."

"You want money?" Lisa asked. "I'm not Burgess. I can't just snap my fingers and give you a raise."

"You want to nail the dirty fuckers who are trying to ruin your reputation, don't you Lisa?"

"Yes."

"Then, it's going to cost you."

"Tell you what, Teah. Why don't we have a contest?"

"What kind of contest?"

"A pooping contest," Lisa said.

"What are the rules?" Teah asked, having done it before in college and with her daughter Hannah.

"If I win, you have to serve as my snitch, no questions asked. But, if you win, I'll put in for your pay increase."

Teah held out her hand, knowing she'd already won.

"It's a deal, Lisa."

Lisa found her slippers under her desk and put her feet into them before she stood and shook Teah's hand.

"We use the unisex bathroom for the contest."

Teah said, "Then we have to eat simultaneously, to synchronize the bowel movements we want to drop."

"I know a buffet in town," Lisa said. "My husband and I go there. We'll stuff ourselves there for the contest."

Lisa drove Teah to a soul food buffet in the next town over that had everything the ladies needed to bind up their bowels for their upcoming private poop contest.

Lisa went with salty dishes that were sure to soak up fluids from her digesting food like baked ham and collard greens while Teah stuck with dairy in foods like Southern style baked macaroni and cheese.

For dessert, Lisa had a slice of key lime pie while Teah had a slice of cherry cheesecake.

For the rest of the time, Teah sat and listened to Lisa talk about her love life, her job, and her family.

Teah could tell that Lisa didn't have many friends, and the ones she did have probably didn't like her very much.

Lisa seemed like a controlling person, always feeling the need to dominate the conversation; she was a prattling percussion of one, and her social beats were way off.

The day of the contest, Lisa stayed in her office and didn't mingle with her co-workers.

Teah remained in her cubicle, skipping lunch and her two breaks before and after.

Both employees of C.R.A.P. were dying to take a dump by the time 3:30pm rolled around. Lisa dropped by Teah's cubicle in her button-front shirt, mini skirt, and slippers.

Lisa's feet smelled horrible, even after applying foot spray. Teah wanted to suggest an industrial strength foot fogger to kill the odor like a pest control bug bomb.

Teah had the front of her pin striped pants undone, her white cotton panties showing, her white blouse pulled out of her pants; she had on black flip flops under her desk.

"Ready?" Lisa asked.

Teah stood up, feeling her solid turd shift downward, and it made her bladder inflate with urine.

"I've got to go so bad. I've been holding it all day."

"Me too."

Teah followed Lisa through the office area, seeing that most of the employees had already left for the day.

They came to the unisex bathroom door.

Lisa pushed down on the door handle.

"What's wrong?" Teah asked.

"It's locked."

"This bathroom is always open."

"Out of order," said an approaching maintenance man with a toilet auger. "It's all backed up in there, ladies."

"I've gotta do number two," Lisa told him.

"Sorry," the maintenance man nodded. "You'll have to use the ladies room in the basement."

Lisa stomped down the hallway with Teah following.

The basement of the building was forgotten, and it had a damp scent of mildew and wet carpet.

Lisa felt her turd ground hogging as she walked quickly toward the restroom area near the storage area.

The old women's restroom had no toilets, no sinks, and it was filled with old office furniture.

The old men's restroom also had no toilet, but there were two wash-down, floor-mount urinals near the sink.

"I'm about to dookie on myself," Lisa said.

Teah watched Lisa pull up her mini skirt, yank down her thong and squat down over the urinal base.

Lisa's anus poked out and lowered as her long, smooth turd flowed from her like soft serve from a spigot.

Teah covered her nose, but the aroma of Lisa's poop and the scent of Lisa's funky feet had become an armed, deadly chemical weapon blended in the depths of Hades.

Teah took down her pinstripe pants and her white cotton panties before she squatted over the neighboring urinal base. Her peed first, and then let her anus open up to release a firm, smooth summer squash-shaped turd.

Teah poop rested on top of the stainless steel beehive grate of the urinal. She wiggled her bottom to let any loose poop hanging from her anus drop, so it would get mashed between her cheeks when she stood up.

Teah cleaned up her messy behind with alcohol free baby wipes. Lisa, however, was having trouble reaching her own butthole. She kept tearing wads of toilet tissue as she wiped, smearing poop further down her butt crack.

"Damn it," Lisa said. "I'm going to mess up my thong if I don't get my ass clean."

Teah exhaled and took out some baby wipes.

"Hold her butt cheeks open, Lisa."

Lisa spread her buttocks, showing Teah her messy anus smeared with fresh shit.

Her shit smells so bad, Teah thought. How does her husband deal with the smell of her feet and the stink of her bowel movement?

Teah carefully wiped warm, creamy poop from Lisa's butt crack, going through half her pack of baby wipes.

Lisa wasn't kidding when she said she blew the door off of the restroom she used. Right now, I look forward to smelling her feet!

Teah wiped Lisa's anus with toilet tissue and washed her hands in the old sink nearby.

Lisa pulled up her thing and pulled down her mini skirt.

"Looks like I owe you a pay raise, Mrs. Jones."

Teah pulled up her underwear and her pants.

"The three employees talking about you behind your back are Naomi, Beverly, and Gerard."

"Fruity Gerard?" Lisa asked. "Faggot-ass, sleeps with married men, wanna be choir master Gerard?"

Lisa bobbed her head, mumbling to herself.

"What?" Teah asked.

Teah followed Lisa out of the men's restroom, leaving their poop in the urinal.

"Gerard does hair on the side," Lisa said, "weaves and sew-ins. He brags about running a business out of his dumpy apartment. When the state finds out he's running his own business without a cosmetology license, his little private enterprise is over."

"Lisa, you should just confront them. Attacking their pockets won't help the situation here get better."

"I got dirt on Naomi and Bev too. They'll think twice before they talk shit about me."

They arrived back at Teah's cubicle.

"What about our mess downstairs?" Teah asked. "The maintenance man knows that we were down there."

"I'll handle it," Lisa said. "If that maintenance man wants to keep his job, he'll keep his mouth shut about what he finds down there." Lisa grinned. "You truly are the queen of poop. You should have your own website."

"Lisa, I'm not trying to be rude, but your feet stink."

"You trying to be funny, bitch?"

"I'm not joking. Your feet really smell bad. I'm just concerned for you, sweetie. You should see a podiatrist."

Lisa had a funny look that Teah never saw before.

"You really do care about me, don't you?"

"Actually, I'm much like the others. I just prefer to tell you how I feel face to face."

"I can respect that," Lisa said, "and because you were straight forward, I'm going to double your pay raise."

As Lisa walked away, Teah sat at her desk, thankful, having gained a new respect for Lisa Stewart, even though Lisa's revolting foot order still lingered in the air.