Carnal Desire Ch. 11-17

"Good morning, sleepy head." I commented while she stuck her tongue out at me.

All I could do was smile back at her. "Good morning. What are you doing?" She asked as she took a seat at the counter.

"What does it look like? Making breakfast." I said cheerily stating the obvious as I grabbed two glasses and set them on the counter. My sunny disposition so unlike me. Even to me it sounded out of place. Especially after what Sydney shared with me last night concerning Drake.

"I can see that, but why?" She asked skeptically with a furrowed brow. I could understand her skepticism, the whole time we've known each other I haven't had the chance to show her my limited cooking abilities.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry. And since we seemed to have burned a lot of energy last night, I figured I should cook breakfast." I admitted with a wink, I could see her cheeks flush at the memory as I poured orange juice in each glass.

Breakfast went rather well. We mostly talked about mundane things, such as old memories or current events. Both of us avoiding the elephant in the room. To be honest, I hadn't really given it much thought since she brought it to my attention. I honestly didn't know what or how I was going to go about it, as it would seem nothing in my life right now would come easy.

The tension in the room mounting with unsaid thoughts, worries and concerns. I could see the worry in Sydney's demeanor as time ticked away, each passing minute growing evermore strenuous as our once delightful breakfast came to an end. I wanted to prolong the inevitable for as long as I could.

Feeling the good-hearted feeling drastically draining, hoping to avoid what came next, I gathered the dishes and started to clean the mess I made. In my peripheral vision, I could see worry in Sydney's every move. I knew she didn't want to as much as me. My disappointment taking hold of me because I couldn't come up with a viable solution.

"We need to talk about it, Jordan." Sydney's voice broke through my thoughts cutting through all of the built-up tension.

I knew this was coming. I just hoped it could have waited just a little longer. "Yeah, I know." I replied solemnly. I put the last of the dishes on the drying rack.

"I don't know about you, but I keep coming back to the same conclusion." I could see the sadness within her eyes.

"You know that's not the only solution. There has to be some other way around this." I replied not wanting to give up hope.

"Well, what do you suggest?" I noticed the skepticism in her beautiful emerald eyes. She knew as just as well as I did, I hadn't gotten that far.

"I'm not quite sure yet. But I'm not going to give up on us. I'm especially not going to let him win because this fuck hole wants what he can't have." My anger growing at the situation the more I thought about it.

"I don't see a lot of options right now." Part of me knew she was right, but I still couldn't bring myself to her side of things.

"Just give me some time to come up with something. Don't give up on us just yet." I tried my best to convince her, maybe I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was her.

"I'm not giving up on us Jordan. I'm only suggesting that we stop just until this whole Drake situation is resolved." I still wasn't convinced.

"I know what you meant. I just don't like it." I admitted. I was becoming angry with Sydney because she kept pushing this idea.

"I don't like it any more than you do, but we have to face facts that this might be the only way." She said urging me to see her side of things.

"I don't accept that." I knew I was starting to sound childish, but something about this didn't sit right with me. The more I thought about it, the more I could feel my stomach tightening.

"Jordan, please. This is hard enough already." She said pleadingly, her voice barely audible.

"I'm not trying to make this harder than it already is. I'm just not happy about it." I remarked, I couldn't stand the look on her face. I knew this couldn't have been easy on her. It didn't matter that Drake wanted to break us; I didn't want to concede to his demands.

"I'm not either. This is the only way." I could see the hurt in her eyes as she looked down, her hands finding something on the counter suddenly more interesting.

I never wanted to convince her more at that moment that we could make things work. "Can't we just -- "

"No Jordan. I don't want it to be this way. And as much as I don't want to," she said, interrupting me. Sydney now looking into my eyes, the pain beneath them almost unbearable. "Jordan, I'm sorry but I've made my decision, I think we should break up." Her voice caught on unshed tears in her admission. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"So that's it then?" I didn't want to believe what she said. I could feel my heart breaking. My world was beginning to crumble. "You're just going to give up?" I asked, still not fully believing where this morning was going.

"Yes. I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry but I can't be with you and worry about what Drake is going to do next. I think this is for the best." She confessed; I don't know how she could be so adamant about not wanting to be with me.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. I'm mostly sorry you feel that way." I couldn't bring myself to look at her as I walked towards the front door.

"Do you think this easy for me?" She practically yelled at my back. I could feel her following me.

"It certainly seems that way." I said turning to look at her. Visibly pissed off that she even conceded to Drake.

"Well, it's not! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do." She yelled, taking a step closer to me.

"You could have fooled me." I scoffed, I could feel the irritation and anger boiling over.

"Don't do that!" She said pointing a finger at me. Sydney was just as exasperated as me.

"Do what?! What am I doing?!" I hated arguing with Sydney but it's at times like these where she really pisses me off. Where she refuses to listen to reason and actually hear what I'm trying to say. Treating me like some stupid kid who hasn't had life experiences yet.

"Don't act like this easy for me." A flash of irritation passed through her facial features. "I'm only doing what I think is best, for you and for me."

"It doesn't feel that way. It feels like you're throwing everything we have away." I felt like I was the only one who wanted us to work through this together. Why couldn't she see it from my point of view?

"You don't get to play the victim." Her anger reignited. "Don't forget Jordan, you left me for a whole month and when you finally came back, you didn't even give me the courtesy to tell me what happened. Instead, you avoided me and left me to think the worst the entire time we were apart." She said as a tear escaped, running down her left cheek.

I wanted to feel bad for her, to hold her, but then I remembered the many phone calls and got no answer. "So, my phone calls to you every day meant nothing?! You didn't even pick up the phone so I could tell you." My answer catching her by surprise.

"I should have known being with someone your age would end up this way!" Frustration overtaking her now. She had nothing left to say. While I couldn't believe she actually admitted I was too young for her. The whole time we were together, she told me different.

I couldn't hide the hurt from in my eyes. Everything was just too much. Losing the one and only person I ever loved, she decided to give up on us. "I hope you know what you're throwing away. Have a nice life Syd! I'm outta here." My breaking heart now masked with anger once again. I walked to the door opening it in a rush.

"Jordan! Wait! I didn't mean it." I heard her say as the door slammed shut behind me.

As I walked down the steps, I could hear Sydney begin to cry uncontrollably. Halfway down the walkway I considered walking back. No. This is what she wanted, I at the very least had to respect her decision, no matter how much I disagreed. No matter how much it hurt me in the process, I had to attempt to be strong through the heart wrenching pain ahead.

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Chapter Fourteen

Thursday, March 11th

JORDAN

I rolled over and swiped the alarm off, annoyed that I have to get up and face another day. Things would be so much simpler if I didn't have to go to school. Every time I think of entering that dreadful place, my stomach tightens, and I feel like my heart is going to be ripped out of my chest. Nothing's the same anymore. Colors have lost their vibrancy, food has lost its taste, the sound of laughter sickens me and sends me into a pit of despair.

All because looking at her makes my heart churn. She put my heart in a vise grip and twists it with every word she speaks, every smile I know that will never be for me. She used to be the light of my life. She was once my salvation. Now all that is left is the torment she has left in its wake. She has now become my damnation.

The plague upon my house, the plague upon my heart. My envy of Mercutio escalating with fervor. At least he had the sweet release of death, never having to experience the agony of true love lost. Having to face her almost every day. To make matters worse, is seeing her acting so cavalier whenever she stands in front of the classroom. Acknowledging everyone in the room but me.

The only thing really keeping me together is my workout sessions with Dylan. Kennedy's trying to supportive, doing the dutiful best friend thing. Trying to cheer me up, inviting me to parties or saying whatever she can to try to convince me to hang out with her. I have yet to bring myself to do either of it, even though I feel myself slipping into old habits.

I can feel the old Jordan trying to break free, and if I'm being honest, I am beginning to welcome it. At least then I'll be able to numb the pain. At this point anything will beat having to come to grips with my new reality. Another battle I have to force myself to fight as I remember all of the hard work and the effort it took to change who I used to be.

No more time to ponder, I need to get ready for the dreadful day ahead. I do my new morning routine, deciding that not only will I work out my body but also concentrate on inner meditation as well. I find doing this helps keep the negative energy at bay, at least for a few precious hours I might be able to feel at peace.

Once I finish, I take a quick shower and then get ready for the day. It's fair to say my wardrobe has changed a little once my depression set in. I decided to wear my all white zipper skinny jeans, with a black diamond studded belt. I put on my black long-sleeved shirt with the words 'Savage' written on the chest in red graffiti letters. Then I slipped on my black and red Air Jordan Retro 1 mid tops. Feeling satisfied that I looked somewhat presentable, I quickly ran some gel through my hair. Making sure to grab everything I needed before I exit my room.

Not even bothering with breakfast, I leave the house and drive to school. Thankful for small favors now that don't have to pick up Kennedy anymore so I can be alone with my thoughts for as long as I can. I pulled into the school parking lot and parked in my usual spot. Taking a moment to collect my thoughts. Witnessing the usual humdrum of the beginning of school day, the expansive grounds practically littered with hormonal teenagers. Some making their way inside while others were outside reluctant to start the day.

I noticed Cole and Kennedy standing in their usual spot, most likely waiting for me. Today I didn't feel like dealing with them. I knew it would be a tirade of questions, gossip and opinions ranging from some Jocks party that was most likely to occur in the days or weeks to come, or the possible potential colleges we might be considering. Don't get me wrong, I love and respect my friends, their opinions matter to me and I know their probably worried about me, but I just don't have the energy to be around them. Plus, I don't want to be the one to bring them down to the miserable pit I've been living in.

At least not today. Today is one of those days where I just need to be alone. I decided to use the back entrance nearest to the gym, the one all the school athletes use. It's farther from my locker but it wouldn't matter anyway, considering I have almost everything I'll need for the day. I was undecided about what I was going to do for my last class of the day.

I was deep in thought as I rounded the corner away from the gym when I felt someone push me up against the lockers. Everything happened so quick, next thing I know hands are trailing up my stomach, then wrapping around my neck. The perpetrator then pulls my head down and crashes their lips against mine. I give into the kiss, closing my eyes and imagining emerald orbs staring back at me. I can feel their tongue devouring me, I swirl my tongue around and against the one filling my mouth. Letting visions of her swarm through me as the kiss continues to deepen.

I grab her by the waist, pulling her soft body against mine, turning her so now she's the one with her back against the lockers. I open my eyes to see my attacker, I'm not surprised to see that it's one of the cheerleaders, Lauren. I run my fingers through her long blond hair, her hazel eyes staring back at me. She's about to say something, but I don't feel like talking, so I kiss her to keep her from talking.

Emerald eyes flashed through my mind letting the guilt of my actions set in. I pulled away from Lauren just as the warning bell rings, I tell her I'll see her later leaving her in a disheveled state then head to my first class. After the first week since Sydney broke up with me, I slightly diverted back to old habits. Making out with random girls, although Lauren really isn't a random girl. Her and I have had a history since our sophomore year. Our on again off again relationship only managed to fill the void of loneliness. Well, that's how it's been for me anyways.

Lauren hasn't been the only girl around school that I've had these encounters with.

There's been more than a few that I've recently taken an interest in. And before you get the wrong idea about me, I'm not going around running game on these girls, they've been coming after me. And I'm not trying to be conceded either, just stating facts. After me and Lauren were caught making out in the girl's locker room by some of the other students, it's been fair game. I'm not proud of myself, but what would you do with a broken heart?

Everywhere I go I see her. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. Every dream I have she's the center of it. I can't escape her no matter where I go or what I do. So, I've drowning my sorrows by making out with other girls. I know it's not the best way to get over someone and it's definitely not healthy either, but it's better than being alone and crying every time I think about her. Which is what I want to do and end up doing when I'm home.

I know I should stop because I automatically feel guilty for being weak, yet I can't because of the loneliness that consumes the very heart of me. And I'd much rather the numb the pain by kissing other girls than to do something else. I've already been down that road and I'm not going back to the person I used to be if I can help it.

By the time lunch came around there was no more of trying to avoid my friends. Mainly because Kennedy wasn't having it, she knew exactly where to find me. Which was in the school library, I was in the middle of finishing up my second period class homework when Kennedy came walking in. Somehow, she managed to convince me to at least try to socialize with her and Cole. Deep down I knew she was right, so I couldn't put up much of an argument.

Taking our usual spot in the farthest corner of the cafeteria, I tried to engage in the conversation they were having but I couldn't thoroughly put my mind in it. My thoughts kept drifting back to the Egyptian goddess. I really thought we could make things work even with everything that was going on. Even though I still didn't have the answer to that one simple question.

A part of me knew she was right; I just wasn't ready and willing to accept it. Another part of me knew it was my pride and ego getting bruised and battered. When it all comes down to it, I was more pissed off than anything. That's the thing about love, one minute you can be missing the other person. Wanting to be next to them, wishing things didn't happen the way they did. Then the next minute, you get upset because of something the other person said or did, not able to see things your way.

The worst of it was, I couldn't really talk to anyone about it besides Kennedy. As much as I value her input and her continuous support, I really felt like I needed an adult perspective. By now, I would have gone to my parents with something like this, but I don't think they would really condone a student teacher relationship no matter the circumstances.

I was completely lost in my thoughts when I felt someone nudge me in my shoulder. I looked at the person and it was Kennedy. "So, are you going to go with us or what?" Both Kennedy and Cole were looking at me intently.

"Are you okay there, Jordan? You seem a little out of it." Cole comments. Slightly concerned with my recent behavior. Usually by now I would be saying something sarcastic or engaging in whatever the conversation was about.

I looked from staring at my food. I hadn't realized I'd been playing with my food, shoveling the contents around while in deep thought. "Oh yeah, I'm fine. Sorry for spacing out on you guys. I'm just worried about colleges. You know, it's tough trying to make a decision that could define your entire future. I just don't want to make the wrong choice." The look on Kennedy's face said she wasn't fooled. Cole however, seemed to buy my flaccid excuse.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I didn't think it'd be this stressful." Cole says as he absentmindedly twirls his fork in his mashed potatoes. Looking as stressed as I felt.

"Anyways. Sorry to bring down the mood. You guys were talking about going somewhere. Where are you guys going?" I asked trying to change the subject.

"Nick Campbell's party, it's tomorrow. And we were hoping you would come with us?" Kennedy asked with hope filled eyes.

"I don't know KD. I have a lot on my mind right now." I replied, sighing as I looked at my friends. I hated to disappoint them, but I didn't feel like doing much of anything,

"And I understand, we understand." She said motioning between her and Cole.

"But I think it's about time you get out of your head. Let lose for a little while." I glanced at Cole who was just nodding his head in agreement.

"KD, I'm really not in the mood --" I protested.

Kennedy put her hand up interrupting me. "Before you finish that sentence, let me finish. Just this once, indulge me?" She asked pleadingly. "You don't even have to do anything other than showing up." She added.

Taking a second to weigh my options. Did I really want to stay home alone feeling sorry for myself? I mean, what could it really hurt to be around my peers. Just as long as I didn't do anything stupid, I think I could at least attempt to have some fun.

"Fine. I'll go." I said reluctantly, then gave in and smiled at my friends.

"Excellent!" Kennedy exclaimed excitedly clapping her hands together. "Pick me up at nine and we'll go together." Her excitement didn't falter, both me and Cole unphased by Kennedy's bossiness. I sat back in my chair and this time listened to what they had to say, immersing myself into the conversation. Which to my surprise, was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I guess for now, I had something to look forward to this weekend.

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SYDNEY

For what seemed like the hundredth time in the last thirty minutes I deleted a text, each time I had to will myself not to send it because I knew it would only jeopardize the one thing I was trying to achieve and ultimately harm the very person I was trying to protect. I can't let my selfishness interfere with this situation with Drake. I had to tell myself yet again, I've had this same conversation with myself countless times before and it only seemed to get stronger as the days progressed.