by PSZer0Dark30
On the fence with this one. Yes it is good and your writing is fine, but bullying? I know it's a story and this is a fantasy and you did say she was eighteen but with everything in the media and kids really taking their own lives because of bullying it's seems to close to home...kind of freaky in the beginning.
Parents who invest this much into their daughter aren't going to ignore hand prints and swollen bruises. If hitting a woman is part of your M.O. then you can bet other girls would have talked by now. They sure as fuck wouldn't be encouraging their friend to go on a date with him.
Great fucking story. Look forward to the rest. Hope you get pretty extreme with it
So very on the fence, as other people have said, this behaviour would have been clocked before now, so this male character does a complete 180 in seconds, as well as the main character. I get that you were trying to display a break in personality, but it just gets too extreme too quick, there is no build to crescendo, it just BAM all the way to 11
Don't worry about wakadoos who don't like the story! It just wasn't for them. Because it was perfect for me. Plz keep writing!
Thanks for all the feedback that I've received--both positive and negative. I'm glad some folks are enjoying the story so far! To address some concerns, I totally get where a few of you are coming from in regards to the realism of it all, but I will readily admit I wasn't going for any true semblance of realism with this story. It's pretty crazy and extreme, especially in regards to how quick the main character flips in personality, but I sort of wanted to just give a basic intro, quick reasoning, and then get to the action as the action is sort of what it's all about. And while the action here is unrealistic (and even more so in the stuff to come), I think the joy of fiction is sometimes allowing crazy, unrealistic, and unlikely fantasies to happen. That isn't to say there's no place for realism in stories or that I don't like it--it's just wasn't what I was going for with this. As to the bullying, that'll take a longer post, so I'll address it in a intro to the next chapter.
Anyway, I hope you all keep reading and enjoying! Thanks again!
This was just heartbreaking. You painted a really dark and vicious reality into your story. This type of erotica isn't my cup of tea but the premise was interesting.
Well I thought it was great! Exactly what I want but am almost never able to find! Keep it up! I'm looking forward to the next story!!
I'd like him to get her to pose for some pictures for him and then he can then tell her some new instructions for her wardrobe
I really don't understand some of the arguments your critics have with this and many stories here. This isn't the Disney website. Good story, can't wait until the next installment.
I'm just waiting for the next one. I've got off on this story like three times now before finishing the whole thing. Humiliation, degradation, I love it!!
i really don't know. this made me strangely sad. but good job, I guess, it as pretty hot at some scenes, although sad.
Would have loved a normal guy to come help her out at the end. You know - pop a 9mm into Danny 'no questions asked' - and ask her if she was ok =|
Kind of hate all the bullying. You say you weren't going for realism, but the depression, suicidal thoughts and personality shifts are all very real side effects of bullying and it's not only disrespectful to include them on a supposed "fantasy" post, it's actually pretty disgusting. Fills me with a lot of sadness and contempt, so if that's what you were going for (spoiler alert: you probably weren't) then good job I guess.
Total fucking garbage, do us all a favor and quit writing! Or should I say attempting to write. Negative stars
Congratulations: You're a woman-hating sociopath. Please stop writing. And stay far away from women.