Cheating Cunts Club: Colleen

When she walked in, I knew she would be trouble again, one way or another. Usually it was low-level, only a little pointing and shouting. But I had a feeling about her now. Maybe it was that huge, flashy new engagement ring on her finger, much gaudier than the simple wedding band the last time she was here, wearing widow's weeds. Not for the first time, either. Nor the last, probably.

I did not need to alert my quiet security man, Trey, an after-duty cop. He knew the signs too. He glanced up from the porn on his phone long enough to track the threat.

I knew her drink. It was rougher than the CC Clubbers' usual Margaritas or Daiquiris. She liked a strong Cuba Libre, a chunk of lime in 151 rum half-diluted by Jolt cola, a real hairy speedball. Maybe she needed it.

--

Sharla said, "Colleen honey, you're back! And so soon! How long did that one last? Not many months." She half-emptied her Daiquiri and sloshed the remainder absently.

Colleen said, "Four months, faster than usual. Then snagging Geraldo took another six weeks." She raised three fingers on each hand. Her new ring stood out.

Evie asked, "What was the cause of death for the last? I forget." She sipped.

Colleen said, "Cardiac arrest, as usual. They all are."

Marva asked, "And nobody ever suspects you?"

"What's to suspect? Guys with bad hearts don't last forever, especially if they're trying to. Trying to last forever, I mean. Or at least long enough. I don't have to do anything but encourage them, and they're happy to. So they keep on exercising, strain their hearts, keel over, bang."

Alicia was new to the CCC and did not know Colleen's history. "Lots of guys?" she asked.

Fran said, "We've been gathering here for what, a few years now. And Colleen goes through this cycle every few weeks or months. Who's the new man? That's a great-looking ring."

"Geraldo, that's him, another widower with a family business - a small chain of hardware stores. You've seen them. He's really happy when I blow him stiff and he can poke me a few minutes. He keeps trying to last longer. That's the key. The wedding is next week and if I can keep him going past the honeymoon, I've got it made."

Alicia asked, "What, is there some trick? What's going on here?"

Fran said, "Colleen is a babe, isn't she? She marries fairly rich old guys, they kick off before long, and she inherits because the pre-nup includes 'natural causes'."

Alicia said, "That sounds like a Black Widow routine. How do you get away with it?"

Colleen finished her strong drink and signaled for another. Other CC Clubbers slugged theirs down and waved also. I sent them a full tray.

"Nothing to 'get away with'. I do absolutely zero anything wrong. It's all just data processing. I read the data, digest it, work on it, and here I am. My account in the Caymans just grows."

Fran said, "Will you tell, or shall I?"

Colleen was halfway through her next tumbler. The buzz was good.

"I might as well tell, 'cause you can't do anything with it. You know, or maybe you don't, that after I finished college, I worked for a national HMO, that big hospital chain. I was a data clerk and I got to know all their networks, which are tied to other HMOs. And I made really good friends there, so even after I left, we stay in touch, like touchy-touchy, and they update me on systems and passwords. I can find anything on anybody in the whole medical world."

Alicia asked, "How does that get you rich guys to marry?"

"I scan public online death notices; I look for wives who die leaving a husband with a good net worth. The HMO files tell me if he's a patient, and his medical history. If he's moderately rich, and has a bad heart, and he exercises some, it's a BINGO! Just the kind of man I want.

"I find some way to gain his attention. Showing a lot of interest and a little cleavage usually works. Not just out of the blue, no. It's best to casually encounter at a trade conference or town meeting or church gathering, something open and social and repeated. I act innocent but not too much. I act sincere in my beliefs. If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.

"Then we spend time together, and get a little romantic. I'm nice to him but I know from the files about his erectile dysfunction and how to play him. And he's a little flabby. So we start jogging together, nice and easy. I encourage him to get fit enough to fuck me like a MAN. So he jogs and works out until his heart stops.

"I never ask for anything but sex. I show no interest in his money although I'll admire the stuff he loves most. I make it clear I'm no gold-digger; I'm not broke. But when he's hot enough to propose, and gives me a nice ring..."

She waved her hand; the huge stone flashed.

"...I insist on a pre-nup that looks totally innocent but has a buried provision making me sole heir. The guy is never mega-rich so his family never fights it - he's worth enough for me, but not enough to pay lawyers to take it away.

"That's how it is with Geraldo. His wife dies and no, I am not involved. He immerses in a long business conference, not far from his home, and I'm there. I admire what he says about some issues. We lunch on sandwiches. We're back the next day, lunch again, then a casual dinner and I kiss his cheek. Next day at the conference it's lunch and dinner and dancing and mild sex.

"Geraldo was ready for a whirlwind romance. His family wasn't real close to him. He lived for his business but felt an emptiness. I'm his emotional backstop now. It will be a small, private wedding because I told him not to be extravagant, it's not our style, is it?

"He exercises too hard now. I give him under five months." Her drink was refreshed again.

Marva said, "That's pretty cold. And calculating. Are your calculations ever wrong?"

"Jaime's endurance was almost too great. I had to make him jog to Machu Picchu before his heart gave out. I should have seen that in his files. But other than him, I've done well."

Kittra said, "So where is the cheating here? You don't qualify for the Cheating Cunts Club, now do you?"

"You're kind of new here too, aren't you?" Colleen said. "Well, you don't think I just wait for the current hubby to croak, do you? I constantly research prospects so I won't have to be a widow long. And you don't think I'm happy with limp old cocks, do you? I have some special friends."

"I'll say you have 'special friends', you heartless bitch," said the redhead who had just swooped through the front door and marched to their table. "Any I get, you take from me. After I'm through with them, anyway." She pulled Colleen's mouth to hers for a deep kiss. "You sure have fun with those retards."

"Hey there Trina, y'know I like-em big and stupid," Colleen laughed. "They're like the battery bunnies - they just keep going and going, and I keep cumming and cumming. Keep bringing me the out-patients.*

---

Trey and I relaxed and returned to our preoccupations, me wiping glassware, him to his phone porn. We would have no serious trouble now. No pounding, and the shouting was over. But the night was young. We keep tasers handy. Wouldn't you?