Completely, Enthusiastically, & Without Question - Pt. 01

The interaction wasn't anywhere close to being the worst case scenario, but it was still a bit uncomfortable. Olivia had greeted Max by their previous name before they could greet her and share their name and pronouns with her first. Admittedly, Max had been a little distracted trying to assess whether Olivia had been flirting with the woman she was helping at the desk. And that split second of looking back and forth between them gave Olivia the edge to greet them first.

Olivia had apologized for the mistake but she hadn't made a big scene of it. She asked the woman she'd been helping if she could wait a few moments while Olivia corrected Max's name in the system and apologized a second time when she confirmed that it had been fixed. But she didn't look at Max like she was expecting them to say it was okay. As far as mistakes could go, it was the best outcome Max could have imagined.

"Fuck," Max grunted through their teeth as their cheeks heated with embarrassment. They'd been caught staring at Olivia while they replayed that last interaction in their head. "The woman from the gym just caught me staring at her and I didn't look away and I'm afraid that if I look away now, it'll look creepy," Max said, trying not to move their mouth too much. Olivia hadn't looked away either and Max didn't want her to know that they were talking about how awkward they felt.

"Just smile at her, blink, and then look away. If you're caught, you're caught. No use hiding it," Bailey told Max, reaching out to pat them on the shoulder as they followed his directions. "She's cute, though. Why don't you take that new hairdo for a spin and go talk to her. You can offer to catch her up on the game since she just got here," he suggested.

"No, that's no good. That seems a little demeaning, don't you think? Doesn't it imply that she's not as big of a fan as her outfit clearly indicates and hasn't been keeping track of the game from her phone," Max explained. "I'm not even a fan of either team or college football in general. Feels like mansplaining."

"Fair point," Bailey said with a nod. "Well, make something up and go over there. She's looking at you the same way you were looking at her."

"I don't think so, Ba-" Max caught themself at the same moment that Bailey shot them a look. "...ailey." Bailey rolled their eyes as Max continued. "I need to stick to my rule - only date people who are looking for something serious. I don't want to go over there and immediately ask if she wants to date someone seriously. That's why I use dating apps - they tell me what people are looking for so I don't have to ask.

"Besides," Max continued, "I can't do the 'randomly hit on someone in a bar' thing." They weren't necessarily shy, but they also weren't very confident. They could talk to a stranger, no problem, but they didn't have the swagger to hit on someone. All of their exes had asked them out, even if it was after some strong hints on Max's part, like had been the case with Bailey.

Bailey was Max's roommate and best friend, but they'd dated a few years prior. There had been nothing spectacular about their breakup, it just turned out that they were better companions than they were lovers. They were soulmates, just not romantic ones.

Max had a series of unsuccessful relationships in their past. Some long, some short, but almost all had ended for the same reason - their partners weren't ready to "settle down" yet. They could see themselves with Max in a few years when they were ready for forever, but they wanted to experience more "life" first. Max never understood why life had to be experienced alone and not shared with someone else. They could think of nothing better than going through life with someone by their side.

It just wasn't what other people wanted, apparently. So for the last few years, Max had been putting their needs second and getting into relationships with people who had been up front and honest with Max about what they were looking for. They thought maybe if they worked really hard, they could change their partners' minds.

Spoiler alert: They couldn't. No one can change what someone wants besides themself. Someone can make them want to change what they want, but there is only one person in control.

Olivia

At halftime, Georgia was up thirty-eight to seven and Olivia was confident that she didn't need to watch every moment of the game. She'd come straight from work, which was conveniently located a few doors down from the bar, and missed the first quarter. Luckily, her fanatic cousin, Kayla, recapped the action she'd missed that wasn't highlighted in the ESPN app.

Kayla moved to Philadelphia after college, but she'd grown up in Georgia. She and Olivia met at a family reunion when they were six and eight respectively and kept in touch thanks to the latest and greatest technology at the time - AOL Instant Messenger.

They weren't totally sure how distant cousins they were - the family history had some unexplained gaps - but Olivia and Kayla shared a lot of interests and stayed close over the years. Though, it was unclear whether they were close because they shared those interests, or they shared interests because they were close. The proximity to Olivia was one of the reasons Kayla chose a college in New Jersey, of all places. Then it was the reason why Olivia picked the same college two years later.

Whether she was a fan solely because of Kayla or not, Olivia was a legitimate Georgia Bulldogs fan and hated having to defend her love for a team based well outside of her geographical area.

Which was, unfortunately, the situation she found herself in when she was stopped on the way back from the bathroom. The man she was talking to, or rather who was talking to her, had introduced himself but she'd forgotten his name as soon as he'd started quizzing her with college football trivia.

"I'm just saying that Kirby Smart wouldn't be where he is without Saban, you can't deny that," the man said arrogantly after not taking a pause to breathe in what felt like several minutes.

Olivia had a choice to make, she could challenge this condescending prick and explain all the ways that Nick Saban wouldn't be where he is without Kirby Smart, but that would mean that she would need to keep talking to him. And not only was she not interested in him, she was trying to send as many queer signals as she could to Max to see if they might come talk to her. Standing across from what she could only describe as a new hybrid hipster-bro wasn't helping her make her queerness obvious.

"Yeah, Saban helped him get the visibility he needed to get a head coach job," Olivia said dryly, trying to wrap up the conversation. "Anyway, I should get back over there, I'm missing the good stuff."

"No, stay here, let me buy you a drink," he said, wrapping his fingers around her elbow as she turned to walk away from him.

"No, thanks," Olivia said with a fake smile and pulled her arm back to her side.

"Well, at least let me get your number so we can hang out again sometime," he persisted.

"I'm here from time to time, I'm sure we'll run into each other again. I'm not really looking for anything else and I'm a lesbian, so I don't think we'd be compatible," Olivia said, trying to squash any additional persistence before it started.

"Why do you say that?" he asked, reaching for her arm a second time. "I'm a lesbian, too."

When would cisgender men stop using that line? It wasn't funny and, while Olivia respected anyone's right to self-identify, it was never actually true of the cisgender men who hit on her. She wanted to slap the grin off of his face, but she didn't want to be kicked out of one of her favorite neighborhood bars. "We're different kinds of lesbians, so I still don't think we're compatible. Have a good night," she said, pulling her elbow away from him much more aggressively than the first time.

Olivia rejoined her cousin and her roommate, dropping dramatically into the oversized chair she'd claimed for the night. "I feel like I look queer, don't I look queer?" she asked, motioning to her outfit.

"Every woman looks a little gay when they wear sports gear, you probably confused the poor guy," Jess teased.

Olivia shook her head. "Ugh, he was a prick. Grabbed my arm twice. Twice!" she said, holding up two fingers. "He used the whole, I'm a lesbian too, line and everything."

"Serious question," Kayla said before pausing to acknowledge what Olivia had said. "Not that him grabbing you wasn't serious, of course. But, am I still a lesbian if I find myself very attracted to him?" she asked, pointing to the person standing next to Max.

"That's Bailey," Jess told Kayla. "I've talked to him a few times. He identifies as non-binary trans-masculine. I think it would technically make you pan, but identify however you want. Hands off, though, I've been trying to work up the courage to ask him out for a few weeks."

"Okay, well how about the w-" Kayla stopped herself when Olivia narrowed her eyes at her. "How about the person next to him?"

Olivia smiled and nodded to let Kayla know that she appreciated the self-correction. Kayla had been having a difficult time relating to people who didn't identify as cisgender and they had been through a few challenging conversations together. After several attempts to help Kayla understand why someone might feel the way they do, Olivia had found success in explaining that Kayla didn't actually need to understand why, she just needed to respect that everyone knew themselves well enough to self-identify.

"The person next to Bailey is Max. They go to my gym," Olivia explained, admiring Max from afar.

"Well, shit, hook me up with them," Kayla said, turning back to Olivia.

Olivia didn't look away from Max when she replied, despite being caught staring, just as she'd caught them staring earlier. "I could introduce you, I guess."

"I think you're out of luck, Kayla," Jess laughed, nodding towards Max, then towards Olivia.

"You know, between the two of you, there's no one left in this neighborhood for me to date. And you know I don't want to take a bus for a booty call," Kayla said, rolling her eyes. "Are you going to go talk to them or just stare at them all night?"

"I'm considering it. I just don't want it to be awkward at the gym. I have to be there five days a week and they come in at least three times a week," Olivia explained. "I don't date, you know that. And one-night stands get weird when you have to see the person regularly."

"It doesn't have to be a one night thing, you know," Jess said.

"Of course not," Olivia responded. "It could be a few nights. Or even a couple of months. But it will end and it might be weird at my place of employment," she said, trying to convince herself that it was a bad idea to talk to Max. But what she wanted to feel didn't match what she actually felt, which was a pull towards Max that came from deep inside her. "Fuck it," she said as she pushed herself off of the deep cushions. "Wish me luck."

Max turned back to look at Bailey as Olivia made her way through the crowd. Her eyes had still been locked on theirs when she got up from her seat and it was clear that Max got the message - she got up to talk to them. Bailey glanced up at her a few times and seemed to signal her impending arrival to Max.

"Hey," Olivia said as Max turned to face her. "I figured I should come say 'hi' instead of just staring at you from across the room."

"I was considering doing the same, but I didn't want to interrupt you watching the game," Max said, nodding as they swallowed a gulp of beer.

Olivia looked back up from Max's neck, which she suddenly had the urge to taste. "It's a blowout, not much suspense. I can watch the highlights later."

"Do you want to play darts, then? I signed up and I think I'm up next. Bailey will play with me if I make him, but he's terrible and gets frustrated when I beat him," Max said, dodging an elbow from their friend.

"As long as you don't get frustrated when I win," Olivia said.

After darts came pool, and after pool came Big Buck Hunter. Before Olivia knew it, the football game was ending and the bar was emptying.

"I should probably get home," Max said after Jess and Kayla brought Olivia her belongings from their table.

"Orrrr," Olivia said, taking a step towards Max but not getting totally into their space. She didn't want to be pushy, but she wanted to make sure she was clear about what she wanted. "We could continue hanging out tonight..."

Olivia felt Max's sly grin deep in her core and she was sure for a moment that they were going home with her. But their grin fell a little as they spoke. "I would love to, but I'm told that once one turns thirty, they must take life seriously. And I have a presentation tomorrow that I need to nail. I shouldn't even still be out, but I was having a really great time with you. I am having a really great time with you."

"I'd like to continue that great time," Olivia said, biting her lip as she awaited Max's answer. She didn't want to be pushy, but she really wanted to take them home with her and she wanted to make sure they knew it.

Max appeared to weigh their options a second time before sighing and shaking their head. "I really would like to, but..." They took a deep breath and closed their eyes. "It's my first presentation at work as... myself... and I can't mess it up. I want people to walk away supporting my proposal, not talking about my identity."

The sting of rejection was softened a bit by Max's explanation. It didn't sound like an excuse, it sounded like they were genuinely torn between their responsibilities and a fun night with Olivia. She would go home a little frustrated, but it was nothing her vibrator couldn't resolve for her.

"Well, then kick ass tomorrow."

Max

Max did as instructed and kicked ass the next day presenting their latest proposal. It was only the third time they presented alone, with no help from their manager. They were sure they were next in line for a promotion and looking forward to April when reviews were scheduled to happen. Typically, promotions happened at the same time.

When they got back to their desk, they texted Olivia. They wouldn't normally have texted someone the morning after they met at a bar, but they had an actual reason to text her and they wanted to take advantage of that excuse.

Max: Guess who definitely nailed their presentation...

Max unlocked their computer and reviewed the emails that had come through while they'd been away from their desk. They put their phone in their desk drawer to deter themself from checking it for a response every four seconds. The tactic usually worked, but this time it did not. Max found themself giving in and checking after only twenty minutes, but Olivia hadn't texted back yet. Which was absolutely reasonable, but still disappointing.

As much as it had frustrated them the night before, having to decline Olivia's offer to extend their night was probably the best call Max could have made. They were very attracted to her and would have happily spent the night showing her just how much, but they needed to stop the casual hookups.

Max wanted their forever person. Or at least someone who was open to forever. They understood that many people their age wanted to wait a little longer before committing to someone for life, but they were ready. They wanted to experience life with someone to share it with.

Max cringed as a voice behind them interrupted their daydream by calling them by the wrong name. Everyone in their department knew to call them Max and, after their presentation a half hour before, they were sure that word would have spread to other departments already.

Even if it hadn't yet, their cubicle placard had been changed to show "Max" in slightly larger letters than their previous placard, a recommendation from Steve in the Visual Merchandising department that was supposed to catch people's eyes as being different and force them to look at it. Unfortunately, that tactic had failed and Janet hadn't seen the reminder.

To make matters worse, after Janet deadnamed them, she apologized over and over again until Max finally told her it was okay. Which it was not. Max knew they would need to correct people for a long time, especially people who had known them under a different name, but they couldn't endure having to comfort people who made mistakes while processing their own feelings about being misgendered. They didn't see their identity as a change, but rather an acknowledgement of who they had always been. Comforting someone when they made a mistake was like a reminder that, to other people, Max had changed. Even though they knew in their heart that they were still the same person they'd always been. Just happier.

Max knew when they came out that it wouldn't be easy. And they knew that they would likely have to endure being misgendered regularly. The deadnaming would, hopefully, fade after a while but there would always be people who got their gender wrong. If and when Max started to feel like they related to an identity, they knew it might get even harder.

Bailey had been a great resource for Max as they started to explore their identity. He had started to question his identity when he and Max were still a couple, so they watched him on his journey to understand himself, save for those three awkward months after their breakup. It took a little while to figure out how to be friends who used to date and still lived together and Max had spent a lot of those days actively avoiding Bailey.

While Max's experiences would likely be different than Bailey's, they learned a lot about what they could experience as they supported his journey. Once he'd come out and started using he/him pronouns, he told Max that it hurt more when he was misgendered than before he'd told everyone about his identity. He'd said that once he acknowledged that it was wrong for him, it was painful to hear someone get it wrong, whether it was intentional or unintentional.

Max had really taken that to heart and changed how they interacted with people whose identities they weren't absolutely certain about, even before they started to question their own identity. They weren't perfect, but they tried very hard not to conflate gender expression and gender when introduced to new people. Until they knew someone's identity and pronouns for sure, they tried to only use the person's name without guessing pronouns.

It was hard. Very hard. And Max still didn't get it right all the time. But the more they did it, the easier it got. They could adjust their behavior if it meant they could avoid hurting someone. They didn't want anyone to feel the way Bailey had described and they absolutely did not want to be the source of that pain.

With Bailey's experiences in mind, Max made a choice to live their truth. They didn't choose who they were, but they were in control of who they shared themself with. For them, the pros outweighed the cons and they wanted to be themself. They'd just have to manage the risks.

After the awkward interaction with Janet, Max checked their phone again in hopes that they would find a message from Olivia. That would cheer them up and take their mind off of what had just happened.

Olivia: Happy to hear it! I would have been upset if we ended our night a little earlier than we needed to...

Max: Me too

Max pushed the last few minutes out of their mind and tried to channel the confidence they'd felt after their presentation.

Max: Can I make it up to you and buy you a drink soon?