Completely, Enthusiastically, & Without Question - Pt. 01

"No, we can chat," Lily said as she popped a gummy into her mouth. She offered one to Olivia, who declined. She could drink or she could have an edible, but she couldn't have both. "At least until I get dumb brain," Lily said, tapping her own temple.

"We won't have anything opening in the city until the Summer, at earliest. There are all kinds of material shortages, so who knows if these clubs will be ready on time," Lily told Olivia. "We have three clubs opening in Lower Bucks in the next two months, though. I don't know if you drive, but if you didn't mind commuting for a few months, I could interview you for one of those clubs."

"I can drive, but I haven't had a car since I moved to the city. I don't really want to commute, to be honest," Olivia said. "And I don't want to move out of the city."

"I understand that. And the club you work at now seems great, so I don't have much more to offer you right now that would make a difference," Lily said. "In the meantime, if you need any help with those certifications, let me know. I'm happy to help you navigate the process - I had to do it myself and I've helped a few of the trainers we've hired get certified."

"You hired them without certifications?" Olivia asked. "Everything I read said that's literally impossible."

"It's improbable, but not impossible. Our clubs aren't like your average club," Lily explained. "We actually prefer to train our trainers from the beginning because we can start them on the right foot. The company was built on true inclusivity - we want everyone to feel like they can be part of the fitness community. Or at least feel comfortable at a gym. It's far more important to us that they have the right personality than it is that they have the right paperwork. We make sure they have the right certifications and shadow more experienced trainers for weeks before they take on their own clients, but they don't always start with all of the credentials."

"Maybe I should commute to Lower Bucks," Olivia joked. She wouldn't, but it probably would have been a smart career move to interview with Lily.

"I wouldn't say no to interviewing you," Lily said, motioning for them to join the group back in the living room. "I get a good vibe from you. But if your heart says stay in Philly, stay in Philly. Your heart knows what it wants, don't let your brain convince you that it knows better."

It was hard not to notice that the group of six - one couple and four individuals - felt a whole lot like three couples hanging out. Bailey and Jess were whispering to each other, squeezed into an oversized chair that was big enough for someone to comfortably sleep on. Lily and AJ hadn't let go of each other's hands for longer than a few minutes all night.

The more alcohol she drank, the more she questioned her so-called boundaries. What even was that silly rule doing for her anyway? She was finding it hard to remember why she'd chosen to stand firm about her "no dating" rule and very easy to remember how Max's lips had felt against hers. She'd recalled the kiss vividly several nights in a row, imagining what might have happened if they hadn't stopped to talk. Her imagination had taken her in many different directions, all of which had brought her to very intense climaxes.

Max had left Olivia in the living room while they searched their bedroom for a book they wanted to lend her. She looked to her left to see Jess and Bailey occupied with each other, then to her right to find Lily and AJ staring at the ceiling together smiling.

Awkward.

Olivia stood quickly and set her beer down on the table before looking for Max. As she tapped her knuckles on the door, it swung open and Max walked directly into her closed fist. "Shit!" she yelled at the same time that they covered their nose with their hand and said, "Ow."

"I'm so sorry, did I hurt you?" Olivia asked, holding Max's wrists in her hands as she tried to look through their fingers to see if she'd left a mark.

"Didn't hurt, just surprised me," Max replied, lowering their hands from where they'd hidden their face.

"Well, you're still gorgeous, so you have nothing to worry about," Olivia said without thinking. Friends could call each other gorgeous, right? It was a fact, so surely she could say it out loud without it being weird.

The corner of Max's mouth turned up for a moment before falling back to its resting position. Olivia released her hands from around Max's wrists and dropped them to her sides while Max picked up the dropped book from the floor. "I got the book," they said, handing their thrice-read copy of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo to Olivia.

Olivia read the book on Monday, her next day off after their get together, finishing it the same night she started it. She texted Max along the way, even after it was clear that they'd silenced notifications and gone to sleep.

Olivia: I feel like everyone has talked about how gay this book is, but it doesn't seem very gay.

Olivia: Oh. I see.

Olivia: Okayyyyyy, an enemies-not-actually-enemies kind of vibe, I'm into it

Olivia: Yes, definitely into it.

Olivia: Jesus, this woman got remarried a lot.

Olivia: I guess I should have guessed that from the title, huh?

Olivia: You knew this was going to make me cry, didn't you?

Olivia: WAIT WHAT

Olivia: I'm sobbing.

As any good book does, reading Evelyn's story made Olivia question some of her choices. What was she so afraid of?

Max

Shopping for new clothes had never been high on Max's list of favorite things to do. They never - literally never - tried on clothing in a store fitting room. If Max got home and something didn't fit or didn't look right, it found a home in a dark corner of their closet where it would live until they donated it.

Store fitting rooms weren't exactly comfortable places for Max. They had the same fears walking into fitting rooms as they did walking into public bathrooms. It had only taken one confrontation with a stranger in Max's early twenties to deter them from entering women's-only spaces alone, even if it was the appropriate place for them. Max had always been biologically female and had no current plans to change that. They also identified as a woman at the time of that first confrontation,so the TERFs should have left them alone.

But when people empower themselves to identify others, rather than letting others identify themselves, people get it wrong. After that, Max had been cautious when entering bathrooms. They rarely entered them alone, finding safety in numbers. Their friends who identified as women wouldn't hesitate to step in if something happened.

Nothing major had happened since that original incident, but Max always felt like people were staring at them, trying to determine if they were allowed to be in that bathroom. Whether their constant fear was a reflection of reality didn't actually matter. To Max, it was their reality. They couldn't accurately guess other people's intents or actions, they could only use the information at hand to make their own assessment. And after that first incident, they couldn't shake the idea that everyone was constantly trying to figure them out.

Bailey understood Max's fears and had leant them some of his clothes to try on. Between Bailey's clothes and a few things they'd ordered online recently, that meant they didn't have to confront a changing room and, potentially, the people in it. They also wouldn't need to spend an outrageous amount of money buying several styles to try out while knowing they would never return the items they didn't like.

Max assessed the assortment of clothing that Bailey had spread out on the bed. He'd left Max to try on clothes by themself, saying he didn't want his reactions to influence Max's decisions. If they wanted to show off their look once they'd identified some styles that they liked, Bailey was happy to give his opinion at that time.

There were some things Max had always wanted to wear, but didn't because they were afraid of being misgendered as a man or presenting too masculine to potential love interests. Max had never liked the term "butch" for them and had actively avoided presenting as "too butch" in public. They'd been rejected by several women whom they'd met in-person after meeting online because they presented a little more masculine in person than in the pictures they'd posted.

Terms like "stone butch" and "touch-me-not" had been thrown around in reference to Max and it had always hurt them. Was it true that they were often uncomfortable being touched? Well, yes. But it wasn't because they didn't like it. They honestly didn't know why it happened, it was something they knew they needed to figure out during their journey. They just knew that it hurt.

But after distancing themself a bit from identifying as a woman, Max wanted to explore how they expressed their identity a little more. It may have seemed trivial to others, but they wanted to try on some outfits that featured items that they were afraid to wear previously. Namely, flat-brimmed baseball hats, high-top athletic sneakers, and Bailey's short-sleeve button-up shirts.

When Max really thought about the restrictions they'd put on themself, the self-imposed rules seemed like they should have been trivial and meaningless. But that didn't make them feel trivial or meaningless. Every choice they made had potential consequences and Max managed the risk as best they could.

Max's risk-averse personality held them back from doing a lot of what they wanted to do and they needed to shake it in order to make any progress with their journey to understand their identity. Bailey's recommendation to form their own opinions about how they felt about how they looked was a great first step for them. They knew he would likely tell them they looked good in anything they chose to show him, but they also knew that Bailey was never inauthentic; if he didn't think it was a good fit for Max, he'd find a way to guide them in the right direction.

The first outfit Max tried was a keeper for sure. It wasn't much different from their go-to style, in fact the only differences were their shoes and the way they styled their hair. Their posture may have been a little straighter as well. But overall, it was effectively the same thing they wore almost every day - jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie on top. They swapped their jeans out for Bailey's looser pair, but the snug fit of their own was more comfortable.

Outfit number two, a more formal outfit, was a big change from what they historically wore. It was more trendy and made Max feel more stylish, but their body tensed as they posed in the mirror. The patterns and accessories didn't reflect Max's personality. It was a good look, but it wasn't their look. After trying a few more variations, they landed on a hybrid of the two styles - Max's basic look and Bailey's fashion-forward love for accessories.

After putting on and taking off more outfits than someone playing multiple background roles in a community theater production, Max isolated five options to show Bailey.

"You ready, Bay?" Max called through the crack in their door.

"Wait!" Bailey said over a shuffling sound that Max was pretty sure indicated he'd knocked something off of the coffee table. He whispered something incoherent, then rushed to meet Max at their bedroom door.

"So," Bailey continued, out of breath from the short sprint down the hallway. "We have visitors."

"Shit, why didn't you say something?" Max asked, pushing the door shut behind Bailey.

"I didn't want to disturb you while you were exploring your expression. Would you or would you not have stopped entirely and probably not gone back to it for weeks?" Bailey asked, spot on with his assumptions.

"I know," Max said as their anger at Bailey deflated. "Who's here?"

"Jess and Olivia invited us over to try a new seasonal brew from Evil Genius that they picked up," Max explained. "I suggested they come here instead."

"Do they know what I'm doing in here? I'm so embarrassed. I feel like a kid playing dress up," Max groaned. "I'm thirty years old, I should know what I like to wear by now."

"Hey, don't do that," Bailey reminded Max. "There are no shoulds with this. Whether you're thirteen or thirty or eighty-three, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Don't let this change how you feel about what you picked. Want to show me?"

Max's confidence had been boosted a bit before their anxiety took over. They'd even dared to think of themself as sexy for the first time in... well... probably ever. They found that they were more comfortable with their body in general than they ever had been. Their chubbier spots didn't bother them like they used to. It said a lot about how even they perceived women differently than other genders.

"You don't have to," Bailey continued, "but I'd love to see what else you picked. This," he said as he gestured towards Max, "is great. You can keep that shirt too; I don't wear it."

"Sweet, thanks. We can do a fashion show tomorrow. What's the vibe out there? Should I change out of this?" Max asked.

Bailey motioned towards his outfit, which was just sweats and a t-shirt. "Sweatpants party," he said as he leaned over to look at the outfits Max had laid out to show him. "These are all good, by the way. Very you. Can't wait for your fashion show. Wear these and this," he instructed, putting a pair of Max's own sweatpants and one of his sleeveless hoodies in a small pile. "Show off those arms."

"There's nothing to show, Bail," Max lamented. They were working on getting in shape, but they weren't in any position to show off.

"Whole-heartedly disagree," Bailey said, reaching for Max's arm and squeezing their bicep. "You are, and always have been, very strong. So you don't have visibly ripped muscles, big deal. There's a lot of strength under that layer of beer and tacos.

"Besides," Bailey continued as he stepped through Max's bedroom door. "I thought you and Olivia were just friends," he said, winking as he disappeared back to the living room.

Olivia

The impromptu visit to Max and Bailey's apartment created some conflicting feelings in Olivia.

First, there was mild panic. Sure, Olivia and Max were just friends and she didn't need to be mindful of her appearance around them, but she still found herself wanting to impress them. She and Jess had thrown on workout leggings and oversized, crewneck sweatshirts to run quickly to the beer distributor and back, but then Jess had suggested that they should invite Bailey and Max over.

Which would have been fine - she could have changed into something a little more attractive before they arrived. But Bailey invited them over instead, saying he didn't want to disturb Max but assuring Jess that they wouldn't be upset to find friends in their living room when they were done with what Bailey called "dedicated Max time in a completely non-sexual way" in his reply.

Next, there was excitement. Because of course Olivia was excited to hang out with her new friends. Who doesn't like enjoying a drink with their friends on a Thursday night?

Then, when Jess and Olivia arrived, the nerves came back. Bailey explained that Max was trying on some new clothes as part of their personal journey and Olivia was worried that she and Jess were imposing. She couldn't relate much to what Max was going through, but she didn't want to be a source of pressure for them. What if Max needed to talk to Bailey privately about how they were feeling? What if they weren't up for company when they were done?

"They'll be out soon, they're just putting their comfies on," Bailey informed Jess and Olivia. "Do me a favor," he whispered, "Nothing disingenuous, but if you happen to see a reason to compliment Max when they get out here, I think they could use some positive reinforcement."

The two women nodded. Olivia had several compliments she'd held back from giving them because she didn't want to make it weird. Now she had free reign to let the admiration take over.

"Now, do you want to play a game or are you more in a hang out and chat kind of mood?" Bailey asked.

"I vote for games," Jess said.

"I don't know if I'm in the mood for games, but I'm happy to watch you all play," Olivia said, leaning back and sinking into the soft cushions.

"Max will have to break the tie, because I'm good with either," Bailey said, taking the open seat between Jess and Olivia and leaving the big chair for Max.

"I'll always pick games," Max said as they crossed between the coffee table and the TV to join the group.

Had the heat just kicked on? Why was it so warm in Max and Bailey's apartment? Olivia pressed her cold beer bottle to her warm cheek as subtly as she could, trying to bring her overall temperature down to normal level. How had she never noticed that Max looked like they could lift a car off of a small child in an emergency without breaking a sweat?

And Olivia had passed on her chance to have that strong body wrapped around her. Fuck.

"Damn, Max, how often are you hitting that gym?" Jess asked.

"Told you," Bailey said, pointing at Max. "I told you to let those arms out." He shifted to face Jess. "They've always been like that. They just hide it under those hoodies all the time. My BFF is a motherfucking beefcake."

"Shut up," Max scolded Bailey; though their smile said, "keep going."

"He's right, Max. I don't want to see you in sleeves ever again," Jess emphasized.

Max held their arm up and wiggled, demonstrating that they had a soft layer on top of those muscles. "See that?"

"I see people with unreasonably defined muscles every day, Max," Olivia said, jumping in. "But all that tells me is that the person is probably - not always, of course - but probably missing out on a lot of fun to stay that way. Even so-called healthy food doesn't get you a body like that. You literally have to measure everything and cook all of your meals yourself." She held up her beer bottle and tapped the label. "And this? This would be off-limits."

"And personally," Jess jumped in, "I would much rather someone who looks like they take time to enjoy life."

Olivia reached in front of Bailey and clanked her bottle against Jess's. "Here, here."

"I'm not saying that people with ripped bods don't know how to enjoy life or even that everyone who has a visible six-pack doesn't eat pizza and drink beer. There are exceptions to every rule. But, if you gave me a choice between a model with washboard abs or someone who could pick me up and carry me in the event of an emergency?" Jess asked rhetorically. "It's the latter each time. No contest."

"Here, motherfucking, here, Jess," Olivia emphasized a second time, raising her bottle in the air.

Max tried to hide the flush in their cheeks, but Olivia had been watching them too closely to miss even a subtle change in their appearance. They pushed themself up from the big, comfy chair and squatted in front of the TV console, which also housed their games - video, card, and board varieties. "What do you all want to play?" they asked.

Bailey took the opportunity to turn to Olivia, then Jess, and mouth, "Thank you," to both while Max's back was turned.

Olivia hadn't complimented Max because she felt like she had to, though. She complimented them because it was true. She was happy to have reinforced Bailey's support for this step in Max's journey, but her compliments had been totally genuine.