Confession Pt. 01

"Please talk to me about it. We both said we would be there for each other."

He let out a breathy laugh, closed his eyes, and shook his head.

"I know. That's another reason why I'm so torn up about it. I should have never gotten that close to you, but it happened so naturally. We were best friends before I realized it. It was stupid of me. I took advantage of your kindness. I'm sorry."

"What the hell am I hearing? Do you regret finding a best friend?" I grumbled, struggling to keep my voice down.

"No, I don't regret it. You're still my best friend, but I can't openly enjoy your friendship at school. We could both get in trouble for it."

"We were doing fine for two months. No one noticed us, and no one cared. What changed?" I demanded.

His eyes widened after that question. I had hit the nail on the head. Something had changed between us.

"Something did change. What was it? Did Mother Ester say something about us? Did the vaginal ring scandal find its way to the media?"

"No, Zoe. It wasn't anything like that."

"Then what was it?"

He stared at me for a long moment. His expression softened as he looked between my eyes, lips, and hair.

"Zoe... I felt something more than friendship between us that day I told you about Mother Ester's scheme. I know you felt it too. It made me question my motives, our friendship, and my morals. I couldn't pretend our friendship was okay after that, so I tried to ignore you. I knew it hurt you. It hurt me too. I'm sorry."

I stared at him sadly for a moment. It suddenly felt like we were breaking up.

"I don't like this. Why can't we be friends again? I loved spending Wednesday mornings with you. That's all I really want. Why can't we do that again?"

"Because... it could lead to something else," he whispered.

"No, it won't. I want you to talk to me again. That's all. We don't have to sit close anymore if that helps."

He sighed and shook his head. A soft smile was tugging at his lips. I think I was finally wearing him down.

"Fine. We can be friends again, but at a healthy distance. Deal?" he asked and offered me his hand.

"Deal."

We shook on it, then I got up and sat on the opposite side of the table across from him. He smiled in approval. He went back to grading papers, and I worked on the book report he assigned last week. Our friendship slowly resumed after that. It was a tremendous relief. I didn't sit with him behind his desk anymore. I sat in front of his desk when we needed to talk about school work. The distance bothered me more than I thought it would, but I didn't dare go back on our deal. If he needed distance, I would happily give it to him to keep his friendship.

As the weeks progressed, I caught Father Garrett staring at me in class almost every Wednesday. When my classmates were focused on their work, I would glance at my favorite teacher and meet his gaze. We would both smile and avert our eyes. It made me feel wonderful. Little things like that were the delight of my week.

My Women's Group swiftly gained popularity and helped me be more social. We would meet in a classroom every Tuesday and Thursday to talk about things affecting women's lives at college, at home, and all across the world. We started off with a short Bible study before tackling tough issues. It was a wonderful, safe space for us. I had discretely distributed the vaginal rings Mother Ester had given to Father Garrett. The ladies were raving about them. The simple contraceptives were easing their period pains and giving them more energy when they were usually sick with cramps. The rings also relieved the pregnancy fears of the ladies in intimate relationships. That was one of our favorite topics. We kept it innocent, of course. We didn't gossip about all the dirty details, but the single ladies loved to hear about romantic exploits. We agreed not to discuss any of it outside of the club. We were becoming a secret society of informed women, and I loved it. Candice and Trinity were fellow freshmen that helped me organize our gatherings and formulate discussion topics. We were becoming fast friends. It was wonderful to finally be a part of a community.

"I have a new topic," Candice began. "Are any single ladies experiencing their first college crush?" she asked and glanced at me.

"Wait a minute, Candice," I interrupted. "You need to define the topic and talk about your own experience before presenting a question to the group. That's the rules."

"Fine," she sighed and looked at her notes. "According to an online dictionary, a crush is 'a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.' I think that's an excellent definition. I haven't actually crushed on any college men yet, but I did notice a TA crushing on me."

"Ooooh, how did you know? Tell us more," Trinity grinned.

"Well, I caught him staring at me a lot. That was the first hint. Then he would act nervous around me when I asked him questions about assignments. Then he went out of his way to avoid me for a while. That annoyed me, so I asked him why. He stumbled over his words for a bit, then he finally admitted his admiration for me. His fear of rejection made him avoid me for two weeks. After that confession, he asked me out on a date, and I said yes. We're going to see a movie together this weekend."

"That's great! I love it," Trinity laughed.

"How about you, Zoe? Are you crushing on anyone, or is someone crushing on you?" Candice pressed.

My stomach filled with butterflies at that point. Candice and Trinity were in Father Garrett's literature class, and Candice had just described his behavior towards me. Did she know something I didn't? The fluttering in my stomach grew worse as my cheeks began to burn. I looked at the expectant faces around me, feeling like I might be sick.

"Zoe, are you okay?" Trinity asked.

"Uh, actually. I don't feel so great. I'm going to the restroom. I may stop by the nurse's office if I don't start feeling better. Please, continue without me," I urged before I left the room.

I hurried into a bathroom stall and sat down to collect my nerves. Candice had brought something to my attention that I didn't think was possible.

"Does Father Garrett have a crush on me?" I whispered in disbelief.

I almost cringed at how lame I sounded at that point. Father Garrett was a well-respected priest and a valued faculty member at Saint De Milo College. A man like him crushing on a student like me was laughable. I was a stupid kid compared to him. I definitely had a crush on the man. There wasn't anything laughable or abnormal about that. He was handsome, friendly, and a joy to be around. He even confessed to sensing my crush on him. I couldn't imagine a world where he would feel the same way about me. It was too silly.

The fluttering in my stomach eased as I laughed at the ridiculous notion, but I couldn't completely shake the anxiety. Something had upset him enough to avoid me for two and a half weeks. A humiliating crush could be the culprit. That made me feel even worse. He was obviously smart enough to be ashamed of crushing on me. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. Usually, when something was distressing me, Father Garrett was the first person I went to. I was feeling great about our renewed friendship up until that point.

Chapter 4: No Crush

Father Garrett looked up and greeted me with a smile from his desk the following morning. After our argument in the library, he prioritized looking at me when he greeted me. I was thankful for it. His attention made me feel appreciated.

"Good morning, Zoe. You were late for lunch yesterday. You barely had time to eat. Did something happen?" he asked.

I stopped in front of his desk and looked at him in surprise for a moment. I often looked for him when I was in the cafeteria. We never sat together, but knowing he was there was a comfort. I had no idea he was looking for me too. It was flattering.

"I uh... I'm okay. I felt rough yesterday. I'm fine now."

I didn't want to tell him he was the reason I was upset before lunch. I turned towards my desk, suddenly eager to be done with the conversation.

"Hold up, Zoe. Pull up a chair. I want to talk to you."

I nodded, pulled a chair in front of his desk, and sat down. He was watching my face the entire time. He knew something was up.

"Did I do something to upset you?" he asked.

"No. I just... realized something that upset me."

His brow creased at that revelation.

"Was it about me?"

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Please, tell me what it was."

I blushed and looked out the window in thought for a moment. There wasn't a non-humiliating way to begin the discussion. I had promised to be open with Father Garrett, so I decided to rip off the bandage and get it over with.

"I know you're ashamed of our relationship, Father Garrett. You're ashamed of me, to be exact. I realized it yesterday and felt all kinds of terrible afterward. It helped me understand your behavior a few weeks back. I'm okay with it. I still love being your friend. But, if I were you, I would be ashamed of me too."

He looked taken back by my confession.

"What are you talking about? How could you say that? I'm not ashamed of you. You're my friend."

"Really? Then why don't you want to be seen with me?"

He started to say something, but he stopped and frowned instead.

"Zoe, I thought we came to an understanding about that. It would be inappropriate for me to flaunt our friendship around campus. We know we're just friends, but others might not see it that way. The administrators wouldn't understand. They might just fire me to be on the safe side. You have to understand that."

"I do. I just... do you have a crush on me?" I blurted, jumping to the heart of the matter.

His pretty blue eyes widened for a moment, then he quickly contained his surprise and shook his head.

"No, I don't. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I do admire you. You have a heart of gold. You're clever for your age. You're beautiful, and I truly enjoy your company. That's not a crush. It's an admirable friendship," he insisted.

A sharp longing tightened my chest as he spoke. He didn't even sound convinced by what he said, and I was too flummoxed to sort it out. My cheeks were on fire after he called me beautiful. My crush on him was painfully obvious at that moment, and I suddenly wanted more than friendship from him. It hurt to know he would never give me something more. I needed to accept that reality before I chased him away again.

"Oh, right. I'm such a dummy. We talked about crushes in my Women's Group, and I thought about you. I had to ask, just in case," I smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Right. No problem. You can ask me all the silly questions you want. That's what friends are for," he smiled.

"Right," I nodded and retreated to my desk to sulk.

I felt like an idiot again. My feelings for Father Garrett were stronger than ever, but I was convinced he was ashamed of me. He was being overly nice about it. I loved that he called me beautiful, but it was obviously an attempt to spare my feelings. I watched him working on his papers for a moment. His wavy brown hair and big blue eyes made me feel warm. Father Garrett was slowly becoming an unattainable dream. I was destined to admire him from a distance. That thought helped me deal with the rejection. He was a good man and a wonderful friend. That's all, and it was enough. I had to accept that. Declaring that in my mind helped me get on with my day. I even mustered up the courage to talk about my mistaken crush with the Women's Group the following Thursday. They begged to know who it was, but I swore I would never tell. They respected my need for privacy and encouraged me not to be down about it, and I loved them for it.

Chapter 5: New Student

I visited my mom and aunt over the weekend, giving myself a break from campus life. By Monday morning, I was feeling like myself again. I was determined to be more active with my female friends instead of pining over Father Garrett all week. My morning was derailed when Father Garrett caught me in the hallway on my way to statistics class. He had a handsome new student with him.

"Good morning, Miss Blake. I hope you're not in a hurry. This is Noah Thomas. I'm overseeing his transfer from Saint James College. I sorta volunteered you to show him around this week. He's in most of your classes. Would you be willing to help him?"

"Of course, Father Garrett. Hello, Noah. I'm Zoe. It's nice to meet you," I smiled and offered the tall blonde my hand.

"Likewise," Noah grinned as he shook it.

His eyes were as pretty as Father Garrett's. Judging by his tan and sun-kissed locks, he was active in outdoor sports. He towered over everyone in the hall. Father Garrett dismissed himself, allowing Noah and me to find our way to class before the final bell. Noah and I chatted about campus life and our academic pursuits. He confessed to being an accomplished rower at his old college and intended to join the Saint De Milo rowing team. Judging by his biceps, he would make the team, no questions asked.

Noah sat close to me in class and stayed by my side in the hallways between classes. We were becoming fast friends, and I got the feeling he was attracted to me. He would go out of his way to open doors for me and wanted to carry my books every chance he got. I wasn't used to so much attention from a handsome jock. I was definitely enjoying it. Noah offered to escort me to lunch after our midday class. I agreed since he didn't even know where the lunchroom was. He was terrible with directions. He got lost trying to find the restroom earlier. I had to track him down and bring him back to class. We were laughing about it as we entered the cafeteria.

Father Garrett gave us a friendly smile and a wave from across the lunchroom when he saw us. Noah waved back before wrapping his arm around my shoulders in an overly-friendly manner as we entered the lunch line. I glanced toward Father Garrett's table to see him frowning at us. The whole exchange happened in less than ten seconds, and it left me reeling. Father Garrett looked jealous. I quickly slipped out of Noah's embrace to collect my lunch tray. I couldn't help glancing at Father Garrett's table as Noah and I sat down with Candice and Trinity. I caught the father looking our way more than once.

Noah was a charming flirt if I ever met one. He had Candice, Trinity, and me blushing and laughing for almost thirty minutes straight. He was a great storyteller. He could write a book about his misadventures with his rowing team at Saint James. I noticed Father Garrett leave the lunchroom early. He walked right by our table and didn't even look at us. I tried not to dwell on it. I was often overly aware of his presence and was probably misjudging him again. I dismissed my anxieties and enjoyed the rest of my day with Noah.

Noah was full of energy when he greeted me in the hall Tuesday morning. Father Garrett called us into his office before we could escape to class. I had never been in his office before. It was handsomely decorated and felt like a small library. The arched window behind his desk overlooked the manicured front garden of the historic school building. I suddenly wondered why he didn't spend more time there. Father Garrett asked Noah if he was enjoying Saint De Milo College and if I was helping him get acclimated. Noah gave me a raving review and declared me to be the best thing about the college so far. I blushed furiously after that. Father Garrett sighed and forced a smile as he looked between us. I could tell he was displeased about something.

"That's wonderful. You two have a good day and find me if you need help with anything," he said before he waved us out of his office.

Noah thanked Father Garrett and quickly opened the door for me. I could feel the father's eyes on my back as I hurried from the room. His behavior made me anxious, but Noah helped chase my cares away with his constant flirting. He loved giving and receiving attention, and he went out of his way to make people laugh. Every teacher called him out at least once during class for being too noisy. Noah always had something to say, and he would announce it at the worst times. He reminded me of myself in that regard, but I was a wallflower compared to him. My only complaint was the constant touching. We had only known each other for two days, but Noah leaped at the opportunity to wrap his arm around my shoulders and pull me close. He did it in the hallways, the cafeteria, and in the classrooms. It felt like he was claiming me. Most of the time, I would wiggle away from him, and he would leave me alone for at least an hour before he tried it again. It was funny and annoying.

Chapter 6: Boiling Point

Wednesday mornings were early days for me since I spent time with Father Garrett before class. Midterms were approaching, and I had an entire page of questions for him. He greeted me with a smile when I met him outside the teacher's lounge.

"I almost expected to see Noah with you," he said as we walked down the hall together.

"Yeah, he's a bit clingy. He's a fun guy, though."

"I'm glad to hear that. Be sure to set boundaries with him if he's making you uncomfortable. Teenage boys need guidance sometimes, and when I say sometimes, I mean all of the time."

I chuckled at his comment as we entered the classroom and took our seats on opposite sides of his desk.

"By the way, I love your office. Why don't you grade papers there?"

He looked at me in surprise for a moment. Then he glanced out the window and smiled.

"That's why."

I followed his gaze and spotted a family of deer in the meadow. Two fawns were bouncing around their mother as she munched on a patch of clovers.

"Wow, this has to be the best view on campus."

"Yeah, it is. It has great company too."

"Ditto," I smiled.

I proceeded to yank my notebook out of my backpack, and a few packets of contraceptive vaginal rings came flying out with it. One of them almost fell into Father Garrett's coffee.

"Zoe, you keep them in your backpack?" he asked in alarm.

"Crap, sorry. I totally forgot they were in there," I said and scrambled to pick them up.

In the same instant, the classroom door flew open. Noah stepped into the room, wearing a bright smile. I heard Father Garrett swear under his breath as he grabbed the vaginal ring off his desk and shoved it in his robe pocket. I quickly grabbed the ones off the floor and tossed them into my backpack.

"Good morning, Zoe, Father Garrett," Noah announced. "I hope you don't mind my company. Zoe said she studies with you on Wednesday mornings. I figured I would sit in on one of your sessions. Maybe I'll learn something."

"Uh, I don't mind. Take a seat," Father Garrett said as he gave me an annoyed glance.

I blushed and sank lower in my chair, feeling like a moron. I should have never told Noah about our Wednesday morning meetings. I didn't realize he would party crash. I didn't have time to sulk. I got the study session moving with my list of midterm questions. Father Garrett graciously explained what I should study to prepare for the exam. Noah stayed quiet and listened for once. He even took notes. When more students began to arrive, Noah and I retreated to the back of the room to take our seats. Noah didn't have a favorite seat since it was his first day in Father Garrett's literature class, so he grabbed an extra desk and set it right behind me. I glanced at Father Garrett and caught him rolling his eyes at Noah. I almost burst out laughing at that point.

Father Garrett kept his cool and started class like he usually did. When his back was turned, Noah would use his pencil to play with the back of my hair. I chuckled when I felt him twirling strands around the pencil like it was a curling iron. Father Garrett turned and scowled at us when he heard me laughing. I bit my lip to keep my expression natural. Noah cursed at getting caught and quickly leaned back, dropping his pencil in the process. Everyone around us chuckled as it clattered to the floor. Father Garrett rolled his eyes again and continued writing on the blackboard. Trinity graciously returned Noah's pencil to him. A few minutes later, I felt Noah's fingers sliding down the center of my back between my shoulder blades. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. He found my bra strap and started tugging at it. I wasn't sure what he was up to. Without warning, he pulled it far away from my back and released it like a slingshot. It snapped across my skin with a loud "POP," but my "OWE!" was louder. The whole class turned to look at us as I grimaced in pain.