Confession Pt. 01

Chapter 1: Father Garrett

"Good morning, Father Garrett," I called.

His handsome figure had just stepped into the hallway from the teacher's lounge. He was sipping his morning coffee. Father Garrett had dark brown hair, big blue eyes, and a smile that could charm anyone. The long black robe of the priesthood somehow added to his allure. I was on my way to his medieval literature class. It didn't start for another thirty minutes, but I enjoyed studying in the room when he was there.

"Good morning, Zoe. May I walk with you to class? I wanted to speak with you about your last exam," Father Garrett said as he waited for me.

"Sure. Did I do poorly?"

I hurried forward to walk beside him. He chuckled and shook his head, making me nervous. I had obviously screwed up and didn't realize it.

"Your writing was brilliant as usual. I was impressed by it. You poetically reflected on the main topics like you understood them, but you didn't explain Hugh's interpretations as they were inspired by Augustine's views. In other words, you failed to actually answer the questions. I wanted to review it with you before officially giving you your first C," he whispered.

I grimaced and nodded. I had been overconfident all semester, and it was finally catching up with me. My cheeks were burning as Father Garrett smiled at my reaction. I usually loved it when he looked at me, but not at that moment.

"Don't look so disappointed. It's not that bad. You just got a little carried away with the philosophy. I admire that. You think for yourself instead of regurgitating the textbook or my lectures."

"Thanks, but I would feel better if it didn't hurt my grade."

He chuckled and patted me on the back, making me smile. I felt slightly exhilarated by his touch. I wasn't used to being touched by anyone. Formal, cold behavior was a bad habit of mine. Despite my welcoming looks, I was socially anxious and socially awkward. My fear of rejection kept me behind a wall of practiced conversations and social avoidance. I felt that facade slipping around Father Garrett. I wished I could be warm and inviting like him.

We walked into the empty classroom together and turned on the lights. The sun hadn't risen over the trees yet. The old lecture hall's arched windows overlooked a lush courtyard that sloped down into a meadow of wildflowers. A verdant forest rested beyond the meadow. Deer often grazed close to the woods as the sun rose. Father Garrett pulled an extra chair behind his desk so we could sit close and discuss my exam. My stomach was fluttering as I sat next to him. I wasn't sure if it was because of my poor academic performance or because I liked him. Most of the girls on campus had a crush on him, but he was well-respected and gracious with everyone, even when they were flirting. He set his coffee down and pulled a stack of papers out of his leather satchel. To avoid staring at him, I admired the trinkets on his desk. My favorite was the porcelain apple with a demonic worm sticking out of it. The grinning worm had horns and a dunce hat. I assumed it represented his worst students. My eyes drifted to the small photo next to it, and my heart dropped at the sight of a younger Father Garrett with his arm around a beautiful young woman draped in white lace. It was a wedding portrait.

"I didn't know priests could marry," I blurted.

Father Garrett looked at me in surprise before he followed my gaze to the photo.

"Oh, yes, that's right. We usually don't."

"Are you still married? Where's your ring?" I asked.

He took a deep breath as I stared at him in confusion. His hurt expression made me regret my question.

"I was with my wife for a few months before she died from a rare cancer," he said softly.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry, Father Garrett. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, Zoe, it's alright. It was an innocent question that deserves an answer. I... rarely talk about her."

He was struggling to keep his emotions under control after that confession. He quickly wiped a tear from the corner of his eye as he gazed at the photo. It broke my heart. I knew how he felt. I could barely think about my dad without getting choked up. He died in a car crash when I was six. It was the worst memory of my life.

"Father Garrett... do you want to talk about her? I'm a good listener, and I don't gossip," I declared with my hand over my heart.

He gave me a sad smile as he considered my offer.

"I would like that, Zoe. Thank you. I had just graduated from seminary and was on my way to becoming a priest when Abigail came into my life. I had never met anyone like her. She was beautiful, smart, and brimming with life. I thought she was an angel. She made me want to abandon the church and pursue horticulture and winemaking," he smiled as he gazed at her photo.

His big blue eyes almost sparkled as he spoke about her. He was still in love, and it broke my heart even more.

"I had been planning to propose for months. Then she fell ill, and my world stopped for an instant. It was terminal. She would be dead before we could spend a year together. I begged and pleaded for God to save her. I had never wanted anyone so badly. I wanted to start a family with her. Abigail radiated joy. I could breathe her in all day and call my life complete. I married her a week after the diagnosis. I was determined to enjoy what little time we had left. I wanted to make her happy. She deserved it.

The first four months were bliss. We traveled and camped in the wilderness. We skinny-dipped and made love in the Buffalo River. We jumped out of planes in Texas. We relaxed on the beach in the Bahamas and made love in the ocean. Not too long after that trip, she lost her strength and couldn't travel anymore. Our last two months together were a nightmare, but I never left her side. I prayed in despair as I watched her suffer and waste away. Death was a mercy when it finally came. Something in me died with her. I knew I would never experience anything that wonderful or heartbreaking again. I swear it aged me twenty years. It made me wonder if God was jealous or if he hated me. Abigail stole me from God, then God stole Abigail from me. I felt like I deserved the pain for a while. Bishop Collin visited me while I was lost in misery. He talked me into returning to the church to become a priest as I had originally planned. The administrators were willing to overlook my initial abandonment since I had suffered for it. I still suffer for it, but I have found fulfillment as a reverend and a teacher. There is comfort for those that seek it. The church is my family now, but I'll always miss Abigail."

My lungs felt restricted as I struggled not to burst into sobs after his heartbreaking story. It struck a chord with me and reminded me of the pain I felt after losing my dad. The tears dripping down Father Garrett's face didn't help my stability. He looked at me a second later, and I lost it. I buried my face in my hands and wept.

"I know how you feel," I blubbered. "I begged God to bring my dad back when I was six, but he didn't listen. I thought God had rejected me when he didn't answer my prayers."

"My dear Zoe, I'm so sorry," Father Garrett whispered.

He hugged my shoulders and pulled me close. He rocked me and shushed me as the tears poured out of me. I leaned on him to keep from shaking as I struggled to breathe through the sobs. I hadn't cried like that since I was a child.

"I'm sorry too, Father Garrett. I had no idea how much you suffered. I thought God hated me after my dad was killed. Why did God take him from my mom and me? Did I do something wrong?" I wept.

"Zoe, you did nothing wrong. Bad things happen to good people all the time. To live is to suffer. We wouldn't know joy without suffering. Joy and pain exist together and give each other meaning. Some bad things we bring upon ourselves, but a lot of times, suffering is just part of life. I understand that now. Even in the depths of my misery, my family and friends loved me and took care of me. Even in my suffering, I was blessed. I'm thankful I learned that."

I wiped my eyes and sniffled as I thought about his words. Living wasn't miserable all the time. I was blessed with a wonderful mother and a wonderful college, and I had a new friend that understood my loss. I straightened up and took a deep breath. Father Garrett's hand was on my shoulder as he searched my face, wondering if the sobbing was over.

"Thank you, Father Garrett. I needed to hear that."

"You're welcome, Zoe. Thanks for listening to my tale of woe. I'm always here if you need to talk."

"Ditto," I smiled. "I need to visit the restroom and wash my face. Then we can discuss my exam."

Father Garrett nodded before I left the room. I hurried down the hall and into the girl's restroom to check my makeup. What little mascara and lipstick I wore were smudged, making me look bedraggled. My big brown eyes were red from crying. My dark hair was messy and needed combing. I didn't wear my hair long enough for the standard uniform braid like my classmates wore. I washed my face and quickly reapplied my favorite cosmetics. I kept the items in my tiny purse with my smartphone. Girls were allowed to wear light makeup and style their hair how they liked, but we weren't allowed to cut it shorter than our jawline. Once I was presentable, I returned to the classroom to see how poorly I did on my exam.

Father Garrett was composed as I sat next to him again. He helped me understand how to answer the questions and allowed me to rewrite some of my exam answers, bringing my grade up to a healthy B. I returned to my desk by the back window as class started. I gazed into the meadow and smiled at the family of deer grazing in the wildflowers. When I looked at the front of the room again, Father Garrett had finished writing on the blackboard and was staring at the meadow too. I admired his handsome figure in the natural light. He was lean under his black robe. He wore it in the mornings when it was cold in the room. Otherwise, he wore a black button-down shirt with the distinctive white collar insert and black trousers. The black complemented his dark brown hair. He had attractive loose curls that shined in the sunlight. Even at a distance, his eyes seemed bright and inviting. My classmates were taking notes and didn't notice when he glanced at me and smiled. He looked younger after our heart-to-heart. I smiled and blushed before I turned my attention back to my notes.

Chapter 2: Administrative Schemes

Wednesdays became my favorite school day after my chat with Father Garrett. I often greeted him in the hallways throughout the week, but Wednesday was the only day I could actually spend time with him. I would meet him outside of the teacher's lounge so we could walk to the classroom together. I prepared questions about school work so I could sit with him behind his desk and talk. I didn't do it every week. I didn't want to annoy him. I never got the feeling that he was bothered by my presence. He always seemed delighted to see me. Sometimes our conversations would go completely off-topic, and we would discuss our favorite movies and rock bands.

Despite being a priest and a young widower, Father Garrett was down-to-earth and fun. I rarely saw him upset after we became friends. That all changed one particular Wednesday morning. He wasn't retrieving coffee from the teacher's lounge at seven-thirty when I arrived. I feared he was out sick, so I went to the classroom to see if there was an announcement on the blackboard. I found Father Garrett at his desk. He was scowling as he scribbled an angry letter to the college administrators. I knew it was important from the golden seal shining at the top of the paper. A cardboard box sat on the edge of his desk with "Private Administrative Matters'' stamped in red on the side. It was stuffed full of little air-tight packages that looked important.

"What's in the box, Father Garrett?"

"Something that ruined my morning," he sighed. "Recent legislation has everyone on edge about reproductive rights, and Mother Ester wants these things discretely distributed to all the female students. They're not supposed to be used without prescriptions. I don't know how she got her hands on them. It's a scandal in the making, and I don't want to be a part of it."

"Seriously? What are they?"

He laid his pen down and looked at me for a moment.

"Can you keep a secret that could get me fired?"

"Of course. You know me better than anyone."

"Okay... it's a box of vaginal rings. It's a type of hormonal contraceptive. You place them close to your cervix, and they protect you from pregnancy for a month straight. Then you toss it and insert a new one."

Blush rushed into my cheeks after that explanation. It wasn't a conversation I had ever imagined having with a priest.

"Oh my God, why would Mother Ester want you to give those out?"

"She doesn't trust our students to stay pure. I honestly can't blame her. They are college students, after all. She doesn't want them shaming us in the news after advertising our successful abstinence program. I told her this would encourage them to take risks, but Ester is ancient. You can't reason with her anymore. I don't want to be labeled a distributor if this scandal reaches the news. It would ruin me again. After shunning the church and marrying Abigail, the admins think they can push me around and use me as a scapegoat for their bad ideas."

"This is hard to believe. Father Garrett, I can give the rings out if you want me to. If anyone asks, I'll tell them Mother Ester put me up to it. My Women's Club is really popular despite my awkwardness when teaching. My wilder members would love to get their hands on something like this."

Father Garrett groaned and rubbed his eyes. He was a good man. I knew it pained him to push his responsibilities on someone else.

"I really hate to ask this of you, Zoe. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"It will be okay. We girls look out for each other. I'll swear them to secrecy. Besides, I have plenty of dirt on them if they betray me."

Father Garrett reluctantly agreed to let me do it, then he shoved the box of vaginal rings under his desk and forgot about them as we focused on the theology text that was hurting my grade.

"I feel like an idiot," I groaned as he explained it to me a second time.

"A lot of students are struggling with these parables. I should have picked something easier for the freshmen."

"I'm glad you didn't. We might not have become friends otherwise. You're the highlight of my Wednesday mornings, Father Garrett," I declared.

He chuckled and looked at me wearing a charming grin, and I felt my face blushing. He was too handsome sometimes. In moments like that, I felt something more than friendship between us. I cleared my throat and reached to turn the page of the textbook. In my flummoxed state, I bumped my hand on the edge of the desk and dropped my pen, simultaneously knocking Father Garrett's pen off the desk too.

"Crap, sorry," I grumbled.

We bent down at the same time to retrieve them and bumped our heads.

"Ouch, sorry again," I groaned and rubbed my head.

"Ditto," he grumbled and rubbed his forehead.

"You stay there. I'll get the pens," I said.

"No, you stay there and let me get the pens. I'm less accident-prone. Don't move," he ordered.

He slipped out of his chair and knelt on the floor to grab his pen from under the desk. Mine had bounced under my chair. He searched the floor for a second before he spotted it. His hair brushed the side of my right calf as he reached under my chair to grab it, sending a shiver up my spine. I had never had a man's head so close to my legs before. He could have easily looked up my skirt. I watched him with my face burning as he raised his head and offered me my pen. His forearm was almost touching my knee. Then I felt his breath on my legs. It made me feel tingly as it drifted up my skirt between my thighs. His brow creased when he saw my blush. Then his eyes drifted down to my legs. They were a few inches away from his chin and lips. My uniform skirt was short and left a lot of me on display. Father Garrett hesitated as he admired my smooth skin. I watched a blush redden his cheeks before he quickly climbed back into his chair. We stared at each other for a moment. His expression was serious, almost a scowl, making me feel strange and vulnerable. I wished I knew what he was thinking. Suddenly, he closed his eyes and turned away from me. He propped his elbows on his desk and leaned his face in his hands. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he spoke without looking up.

"Sorry about that, Zoe. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"It's okay. You didn't make me uncomfortable," I shrugged.

What I felt at that moment was surprisingly pleasant, and I only felt it when I was close to Father Garrett. My sheltered and socially-anxious existence kept me away from boys my age. I enjoyed being close to the handsome priest for that reason, but I feared it was distressing him. I was smart enough to understand why. A priest being overly-friendly with female students was a fast way to get fired. It would be just as devastating for me. Father Garrett had become my closest friend. We shared our grief and saw the world from a broken perspective. I never wanted to hurt him or lose him. I wasn't sure if he felt the same about me, and I didn't really care. I wanted to be his friend and spend time with him.

"Um, it's getting late. Can you explain the parable one more time before class starts?"

"Sure," he nodded, quickly composing himself.

Father Garrett kept his eyes to himself as he explained the complicated story again. I was hurt by his behavior. The delight of my day was seeing him smile. Now he was acting like I was a thing to avoid. I felt rejected again. I had to fight to keep from pouting during class as he avoided looking at me. He usually met my eyes to see my reactions to his stories. Now he was actively avoiding me. Thinking about it brought me to tears later that night.

Chapter 3: Reasons

The chill between us continued for two more weeks. It was breaking my heart and hurting my grade. I couldn't focus on my work when Father Garrett wouldn't even look at me when he said hello. We went from friends to enemies in an instant, and I didn't understand why. I confronted him about it the following Wednesday. He had shuffled his routine to avoid meeting me in the hall before class. Then he started grading papers in the library instead of the classroom, adding salt to the wound. I found him at a table in the back corner of the ancient library that morning. He sighed in annoyance when I sat down next to him and dropped my books on the table.

"Good morning, Father Garrett. I need to speak with you," I whispered while keeping my eyes on my books.

"Can this wait?" he asked, trying to deflect as he continued grading papers.

"No, it can't," I hissed and snatched the pen out of his hand.

I looked at him angrily after that. He closed his eyes as he rubbed his face like he was exhausted. It almost made me feel bad for him.

"You have my attention," he whispered.

He glanced around the room, making sure no one was close enough to listen.

"Why have you been avoiding me like I'm a pariah? I thought we were friends," I stammered, fighting back the pent-up hurt from two and a half weeks of being ignored.

"I am so sorry, Zoe," he breathed, shaking his head.

"Why?"

"It's not you. I just.. can't be best friends with a female student. It looks bad."

"Says who?"

"Zoe, please, cut me some slack."

He finally looked at me after two and a half weeks of avoidance. His big blue eyes were full of hurt. It instantly cooled my rage.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

"Not really."