Crazy Cornelius & the Magic Pills Ch. 06

"Um, no thanks, Dad," said the blushing Erica.

"Maybe later then," said Alistair, getting the receipt and waiting to be escorted to their table.

Cornelius however due to his hyperactive personality saw the kids' roundabout and ran towards it, leaping on it and starting it up. "Look at me, look at me!" he shouted across the restaurant as he rode a carousel for kids aged under six, indicating his paper crown. "I'm a king, I'm a king! Woo-hoo, look at me, look at me I'm the king."

Erica cringed. Normally this sort of stunt by her brother -- and similar things had happened innumerable times in the past - would sent their father into a rage and she braced herself for the explosion. Alistair however did not respond. Other restaurant patrons did look at Cornelius of course, but not for long. Making direct eye contact with a young man with crazy eyes wearing a highly offensive black tee-shirt, a paper hat, yelling out across a restaurant and riding a roundabout for small children probably wasn't a good idea, unless you wanted to get your head smacked in if he turned nasty.

Fortunately Cornelius's hunger overcame his desire to get attention while playing silly buggers on a roundabout, so while still wearing his party hat crown he came and joined the rest of the family, who were seated to Faye's disquiet next to the fat man's table. She had a bad feeling about this.

The smell of bacon and other items on the buffet filled the restaurant, and Alistair said, "Well, I don't know about you but I am famished." The Hawkins family got their plates and headed for the buffet, Alistair keen to get some bacon.

But Alistair would be disappointed, as were the clearly frustrated patrons trying to get their food. The fat man had shoved his way into the line and taken all of the bacon out of the tray -- over twenty rashers in all -- and put them onto his plate, which was already piled high with fried eggs, sausages, bread and other food to the point of overflowing and waddling back to his table.

Most of the other patrons while some mumbled at this rudeness and gluttony. Alistair however was not the type of man to let this go, and marched up to the fat man's table.

"What the hell is going on?" Alistair demanded, looking the fat man directly in the eye.

"Huh?" grunted the fat man. "What is this shit? I'm trying to eat my breakfast."

"Yours and just about everyone else's breakfasts too," growled Alistair. "You pushed in and took all that bacon, left none for everyone else. And look at all that food. It's all you can eat, not all you can carry."

"How is that my problem or your concern?" retorted the fat man. "What I eat is your business, is it?"

Alistair was fuming now, and Faye, Erica and Gavin cringed. It hadn't taken long for the angry Alistair to return, and now it looked like there would be a fist fight in the restaurant.

"It is my business," roared Alistair. "I work my arse off all week and pay taxes which goes to health funding, and instead of helping kids with cancer it goes to keeping fat fucks like you alive when you have a heart attack after eating too much!"

"Yeah, what my Dad says," yelled Cornelius, pointing at the fat man accusingly. While Cornelius was on the dole the social security did deduct some of his fortnightly unemployment benefits for income tax, and therefore Cornelius was an Australian taxpayer and entitled to have an opinion on such matters.

"There's starving kids in Africa who don't get any food, and you eat all this, you disgusting greedy pig!" yelled Danielle, keen to voice her opinion to everyone in the restaurant.

The fat man slammed his fists into the table and stood up, but before Alistair could react there came another voice, a male voice, that of the restaurant manager. "Excuse me Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"This fat arsehole pushed in line and took all the fucking bacon!" roared Alistair. "Look at that!" he boomed, pointing at the fat man's plate. "Disgusting!"

"Sir, if you could please lower your voice and tone down your language, the buffet will be re-stocked soon," said the manager. "And please, can I suggest your party keep to your own table and not interact with this diner? We don't want to have to ask you to leave this restaurant."

Alistair, remembering that his family were in Canberra to have fun, did calm down. "Yes of course, sorry for the disturbance." The restaurant manager went on his way, but noticed that the tall bearded man was glaring at the fat guy as he fed his face, the fat man returning the nasty looks in between feeding his fat face with increasing volumes of high calorie food washed down by unhealthy drinks. It would be best to keep an eye on this group, especially that son of theirs. It might have been better to move the fat man or the family, but with so many people and lack of tables, it unfortunately wasn't an option for the manager today.

At a nearby table there was a large family group celebrating a birthday party, and one of little girls burst into tears and ran to her mother, having seen and heard Alistair shouting. "Mummy, Mummy, I'm scared of the man with the beard, he shouts and it frightens me. Please don't let the man with the beard get me Mummy."

"It's okay sweetie, the man with the beard isn't here to get you, he's just here to have breakfast with his own family, he won't hurt you," said the mother, hiding her own apprehension about the strange bearded man and his even stranger adult son who was currently at the buffet, wearing a children's party hat on his head and wearing a very offensive shirt.

The arrival of more bacon to the buffet brought more relief to Alistair, Cornelius and other diners who had been caught out by the fat man's gluttony. "Well, this is nice, we're all having fun, aren't we?" asked Alistair as everyone sat down with the food taken from the buffet, which in total for six adults was less than the fat man was eating himself. "That's what families do, they go out and have brunch together and have fun."

Faye wasn't having so much fun but didn't contradict her husband. She could see despite Alistair's cheerful demeanor that he was still very angry at the fat man, glaring and staring at him from time to time and that the fat man was glaring back when not eating. The fat guy had also waddled to the buffet to get some pastries to eat in between masticating his other food, so now would be consuming even more.

Then there was Cornelius, who after getting up to use the toilet deliberately walked as close to the fat man as he could to try and provoke trouble, then when returning from the toilet walked behind the fat man, his cheeks blown out to emulate the fat guy's bloated face and holding his arms at his side to pretend to be fat, waddling like the obese man. This caused much hilarity to Danielle, whose husband's antics caused her to collapse in laughter at the table, nearly wetting her pants.

Sitting next to Erica, Gavin ate his food and worried how Lisa was going. He recalled that she said she was going out to brunch with her boyfriend and their friends, and Gavin hoped that his big sister was enjoying herself. He feared that she might have been kidnapped by a UFO during the night and currently being held as bait to get him, and longed to call her on her mobile to ensure she was okay. But that would be impossible, the aliens or demons would trace the call and get both her and him, as well as the Hawkins family. Maybe they would even fly out to the cruise ship in which Mr. and Mrs. Baxter were spending the last day of their vacation and get them too. It was just too risky.

*

Hundreds of miles away back in Sydney, Lisa and Pete were enjoying themselves at brunch with their friends at a nice restaurant right on Manly Beach. The weather was overcast in Sydney, not raining like in Canberra, but some outer suburbs had experienced some light showers.

Lisa felt more relaxed as she sat at the outside table, the sights and sounds of the Pacific Ocean very relaxing, the smell of the sea air and the Norfolk Island Pines that grew around this area abundance very nice indeed.

Holding Pete's hand, Lisa thought about Gavin and how he was going in the Blue Mountains camping with his friends. She hoped when he got back he was acting more normally and the weird behavior was just a one-off. She also thought about the strange way the Hawkins family had left their house, and wondered if Brendan had come out and closed the garage and the door to his brother's car, or if Cornelius and Danielle had come back from the Gold Coast and done it. Oh well, it wasn't her problem and if the Hawkins family were away interstate it might do Gavin some good to have a break from them. Erica was cute, but fuck were her brothers and father weird. Maybe this was rubbing off on Gavin?

*

Lisa would have been very concerned if she had known her younger brother was sitting in a restaurant in Canberra, having brunch with the Hawkins family who were supposed to be half in Adelaide and half in Queensland.

"We need to relax and have more fun, tell each other jokes," said Alistair. "Cornelius, you're a clown. How about you tell us a funny joke?"

Cornelius grinned. "What did the gay sperm whale do when it saw the submarine?"

Alistair shook his head. "I don't know."

"It sucked out all the seamen." Cornelius laughed as did Danielle, and Alistair nearly convulsed, laughing uncontrollably with his mouth wide open, this filling the restaurant irritating other diners, not least the fat man while he was trying to eat his second huge plate of food.

"That's a good one," laughed Alistair. "Why did the homo pull out in front of another car and slam on his brakes?"

Danielle shook her head. "Dunno."

"So he could have a rear-ender." Alistair's face went bright red as his raucous laughter at his own joke filled the restaurant, Cornelius and Danielle sounding like a pair of hyenas as they joined in.

"I've got one," said Danielle. "What did the deaf, dumb, blind, retarded, and crippled spastic kid get for Christmas?"

Cornelius shook his head. "You've got me there."

"Cancer." Danielle and Cornelius again laughed like hyenas, and this time Alistair fell out of his seat, rolling on the restaurant floor, his face bright red and his mouth wide open as he convulsed with laughter, before climbing up into his seat.

Faye wasn't so impressed, she could see everyone looking at their table and the fat man had stormed off, but this time not to the buffet but to the manager, probably to complain about them.

Erica also wasn't laughing, but despite the jokes being so offensive, Gavin could not help but chuckle.

"Hey, it's your turn young Gavin, tell us a joke," said Alistair.

"Yeah, make sure it's really funny," prompted Danielle.

Gavin thought about a joke that might appeal to this audience. "Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?"

Fortunately before Gavin could deliver the joke's punchline, the restaurant manager's voice was heard. "Excuse me," he said, the six members of the Hawkins family looking at him. "We've had some complaints about noise and offensive language at this table, so could you please tone it down? Thank you."

The very busy manager went on his way, and Cornelius looked at the fat man who was squeezing himself into his chair. "Hey you, yeah you, you fat fuck," said Cornelius aggressively. "You dobbed on us, didn't you?"

"Talk to me again and I'll have you thrown out," growled the fat man. "I shouldn't have to put up with people like you."

"People like me?" Cornelius got out of his chair and walked over to confront the fat man. "What do you mean people like me, you fat piece of shit? What are you looking at my wife for? And now you're looking at me. Don't fucking look at me, don't look at my wife and don't look at anyone you fag, or I'll be waiting for you outside in the fucking car park."

The restaurant manager, now very stressed, ran over. "What's going on now?" He wanted Cornelius gone along with the rest of them but kicking them out would no doubt result in an even bigger scene. "This is your last chance," he warned them. "You cannot behave like that in here. Wrap it up, or you will be asked to leave, and the police will be called."

Oblivious, Cornelius went back to the table and the fat man to the buffet, this time pushing in front of a group of kids to put a dozen pancakes on his plate, leaving the tray empty, before smothering the pancakes with ice-cream, cream, syrup and chocolate topping, bringing them back to his table to devour.

While the fat man was putting excessive volumes of food into his upper digestive system, Erica had a problem with her lower digestive system and needed to answer the call of nature. "I need to go to the toilet," she said, getting up from the table and walking towards the toilets.

"Don't fall in!" Cornelius called after his younger sister.

Erica pushed open the external door to the ladies' room, the teenager understandably fearing the toilet demon might be in there waiting for her. She reminded herself that the toilet demon hadn't gotten her when she used the toilet at the service station in Goulburn earlier in the morning and she had pissed in the toilet at the hotel room and all was fine, so fingers crossed.

Going into the stall, Erica checked for toilet paper then closed and locked the cubicle door, pulling down her pink tracksuit pants then her pink panties, the young girl sitting down on the toilet. Soon the sound of Erica having her piss was audible, then the sounds of her emptying her bowels. Sitting on the loo, Erica wondered what was wrong with her bowels, she had been pooping so much these last couple of days. She didn't have diarrhea, but a real case of the 'toilet bug', which was unfortunate timing with a toilet demon on her tail, plus a clown that watched her on the toilet from a mirror and laughed at her.

The teenager looked down at her lowered knickers as she defecated, splashing sounds of her poo going into the toilet each time she had a bowel movement, young Erica proving on several occasions that pretty girls do fart. With smells from her rectum filling the bathroom Erica was glad to be on her own while she was pooing on the toilet. She was also glad that the restaurant provided their guests with nice soft absorbent toilet paper, and Erica used plenty to wipe her bottom the teenager not wanting to mess up her wiping like she had done earlier resulting in her soiling her panties and a smelly and very embarrassing situation for her.

Back at the table, Cornelius was amusing his wife by putting ice-cream in his mouth and pretending it was another substance entirely, making inappropriate comments about how it looked like her mouth after she performed fellatio upon him. Alistair was eating some desert, while Gavin picked at his food, still worrying that one of the many UFOs they had seen last night had gone to Sydney to abduct his sister. Faye looked at some of the tasteful, 1800s style paintings of animals dressed as people around the restaurant, the one closest to their table somewhat ironically a fox dressed in fox hunting gear. None of them noticed the fat guy at the next table get up and waddle to the toilets.

Erica had just done another poo and was reaching for the loo paper, when she heard the external door open and close. Her heart jumped. Was it the toilet demon? No, he was always down the sewer system. Next Erica heard footsteps outside her stall, but not the person enter a stall, nor do anything else one might expect in a bathroom. The footsteps stopped, then started up again as the person left the bathroom, again not doing anything normal.

Now finished on the loo, Erica wiped herself clean and stood up off the toilet, flushing it and pulling up her knickers and tracksuit pants. Washing her hands, Erica left the now very smelly bathroom to return to the table, but as she stepped out of the ladies loo to return to the table, she glanced behind her when a figure suddenly appeared. To Erica's dismay it was the fat man, and this made her most concerned. Had he followed her to the toilet, was he the one who had come in there, and was he spying on her, getting his rocks off perving at her lowered knickers under the stall partition and listening to and smelling what she was doing while she was on the loo?

Obviously much faster than the fat man, Erica hurried back to the table. "Mum, Dad, Gavin, I think that fat guy followed me to the toilet," she said, indicating the fat man who was loading up another plate full of pancakes on one site, some sort of gateaux on the other.

"He did what?" exclaimed Faye, outraged that her teenage daughter's privacy in the bathroom was violated.

Gavin's natural protective instincts towards Erica also came to the fore, and he watched the fat man returning to his table with another massive plate of sweets. "Fat fuck, I'm going to smash him."

"Nobody spies on my daughter in the bathroom," said the outraged Alistair, the equally outraged Cornelius and Danielle jumped to their feet, ready for vengeance.

"Excuse me, you might be interested in some things," came another voice the family did not know and they turned around in astonishment. The painting of the fox was now blank, but the fox itself was in the restaurant, addressing them.

"That fat guy over there, he was spying on Erica," the fox informed them. "He comes in here all the time, one because he's a glutton and therefore so fat, but mostly because he likes to spy on children and underage teenage girls. Yes, Erica is 18 but he will spy on girls aged 18 or 19 if he can't find younger girls to prey on. Plus Erica does look young. You might have noticed him looking at you while you were eating, but apart from Erica he was actually looking through you, at the young girls in that other group."

The Hawkins family looked at the birthday group, and indeed there were plenty of young girls. The fat pedophile hadn't been watching them. Aside from Erica he wasn't interested in the Hawkins family at all, he was interested in the children and younger teenage girls at the table behind. It made perfect sense now.

The fox spoke again. "That man is an evil child molester and he needs to be stopped. When he's not doing it here, he jets off to Asia and goes on sex tours for pedophiles. You can stop him, you need to stop him. I'll leave it with you to decide what you're going to do next to that nonce."

With that, the fox vanished back into the painting and the Hawkins family turned and looked in outrage at the fat pedophile who sat stuffing his face, no doubt planning to target and molest more children and teenage girls as he did so, and betray the Hawkins family to their supernatural and extraterrestrial enemies.

All six of them strode towards the fat guy's table. "Get lost," the pedophile growled at them.

"You sick fuck, you followed me to the toilet to spy on me," Erica yelled, silence falling across the restaurant.

"I didn't do anything, fuck off, what are you on you stupid little bitch?" growled the fat man.

"You are a sick nonce, spying on my girlfriend," yelled Gavin, standing over the child molester. "And you've been watching kids all morning, we've seen you. You pervert, you sick pervert!"

"You stay away from my daughter and from kids, you hear me?" snapped Faye, pointing at the fat man. "You are a child molester! Hey everyone, look at the child molester!"

The fat man was going red as a tomato. "You are all sick, I should call the police on you," he shouted, trying to get out of his chair only for Gavin to push him back down.

"Nobody spies on my sister, you fucking sick pervert!" yelled Cornelius. He grabbed the fat man's plate, and emptied the contents into his lap, pancakes and syrup going everywhere.

"If anyone should have the police called on them it's you, you pedo!" screeched Danielle, throwing another drink at him.