Damian Ch. 02: BABY STEPS

"No, no, no, no!" she pulls her fingers away. And smacks my butt with her other hand. "You didn't ask for permission!" With my erection rubbing on the mattress, the spank even feels electric.

I picture her back there behind and on top of me as I hear the playful tone in her voice. I can see in my mind's eye her smirk... the way her lips move. Okay, I decide to play along. "Please, may I taste you?"

She says, "good boy." And I feel her moving around behind me; I think she is actually loading up with more nectar, straight from the source. As her fingers enter my mouth, it's confirmed. There's a lot there. I lick, taste; I suckle on her fingers to get it all.

She bends close and whispers in my ear "I'm so wet for you. You're going to be the best client ever." She licks my earlobe, then massages my ass and thighs with gusto, goes down my calves and finishes with a long, sensuous rub of my feet.

"May I kiss them, Damian?"

I'm clay in her hands. "P... please." I don't know why I'm responding to her so strongly, but I feel like I've found a happy oasis in my dreary desert.

I've never had someone kiss my feet before, but she seems to have a thing for it. Before she is done, she actually licks every inch and sucks - gives a mini blow job -- on each of my toes. It feels amazing.

Trying to make nervous conversation, I asked about her scent.

"Jasmine. It's my favorite flower. It means gift from God or the Goddess. It symbolizes spirituality, sensuality, purity and inspiration. It's a smell from another plane of existence."

She moves her hands back up to my ass, rubbing it idly. I am expecting her to roll me over. I am expecting her to fuck my brains out. That makes me tense again. I'm not ready. I think she senses that and doesn't want to push me.

"Damian, we agreed to a backrub today and I think that's good. Are you okay if I pack up and go home? We're already two and a half hours into the session and I don't want to overdo it the first day."

I am happy to realize that I am saddened to have her leave. This felt like a connection. But her tone and her businesslike, frank approach remind me what we really were to each other. She gives me the lecture, again, about not getting attached. Intellectually, I know she has to create a sense of detachment. We are a temporary thing after all. But emotionally, I can't hear that rational point of view; it hurts, just a little bit, to have her rush away when things are getting good.

"Yes, I understand."

But then, she does the most amazing thing. She rolls me on my side and cuddles me, big spoon, and sobs a little bit. She is crying for me. Stroking my forehead, she asks "is my big boy okay?"

I nod "yeah, I am. I really am.... Are... you? I don't know how you do it... How can you deal with these kinds of emotions time after time again?"

She composes herself quickly, spanks my ass again and stands up... "oh, yeah!!! Sweet of you to ask, Damian. You're amazing. I'm so okay. I have a date tonight with my vibrator. GAWDESS, you're something, hunk-man!" She reaches down to kiss my forehead, then mellows and goes on in a more even, serious tone. "Really, Damian, you're a special man. You care about the experience for me. Most of my clients just take, take, take. You're so strong to think of me. It's sexy, Damian. You are what all men should be. And in a very attractive package."

As I struggle to match her words to what I thought about myself in my downtrodden state, I feel a gentle kiss to my forehead, then she is dressed and gone.

It's what all men should be. Then it hits me hard: it's what I should've tried harder to keep being for Cassie. I didn't expect it to all come to a head, but when it did.... Ugh. I am ashamed that I'd let Lily happen. I lay in my bed and struggle myself to sleep. I am sad, I am angry, I am humiliated. So many emotions and hormones. I don't know if I am upset for happiness and hope or suffering in despair and depression.

But what I do know: the gun stays in the gun safe that night.

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NEXT: Damian continues his therapy and things get spicier.