All Comments on 'Dan Ch. 01'

The basics are there for a decent story, but the writing is disjointed and abrupt. I recommend you get an editor who can help you mold your ideas into a coherent whole.

What he said

...would ask the questions needed to pull this together.

I gotta admit I wanted to know more about those 28C's of Carrie's. Probably had to have one in the front and one in the back to fit that small chest.

I also wondered where she ditched her 1 and 3 year old when she pulled up to the house and started peeling her clothes off. In front of the neighbors.

I sorta wondered what the point of the story was. Maybe about Dan Ch. 14 at this rate.

Before treating us to Dan Ch. 02, try to get your act together. You need to figure out where your going and WHY. So far we don't even have a plausible diary entry let alone a story.

I don’t know where you are going with this story but it is lacking so much information. You give us readers no reason to understand how the characters know so much about each other or why his wife tore off her clothes as she got home or how he knows the assistant or what is going on with Joe and Carrie.

It is at best disjointed and so muddled it doesn’t make sense or have anything tying it together. Get an editor and refine the story to scenes that start and finish. It just jumps all around.

It didn’t come together as coherent or reasonable for what we are given in the story. Don’t give up writing but put yourself in the reader’s shoes and look it over as if you knew nothing about the story before submitting all or part of the story.

OK first try and make use of what you really know and not just what you fantasize about

PT

Of course, Dan isn't such a sympathetic character with statements like "I bet he doesn't satisfy you in the bedroom." Neither He nor Joe appear to be class guys. Yeah, it was a joke,but not really a joke. We are getting into a big mansion, little dick; little house,big dick syndrome.

Make the characters a little more sympathetic---not jerk offs. Story is young. Have to give you a chance & see how you develop the story.

28C? Do you even know how womens' chests are measured? And don't get me started on the "story"...

I gave up when Dan started wandering through somebody elses house, opening doors, looking for a bathroom. Didn't it ever occur to dumbo to ask the host or hostess where it was. -Nobody can be that stupid. the CT. Yankee

So did she have birth control that she used, or did she just have birth control. It sounds to me like you need to cultivate this little neighbor lady and plant a few 'seeds' into her belly to make it grow a little?

oh and it needs a story too for such a hunk that his day off he watches movies lmao. what a hunk that is.

English usage sucked! Mixed tenses, split infinitives, you name it, it was all here. (I can hear it now,"Gee, it was just a story! Why do I need to write good?")

Plotline was thinner than my late wife's chicken soup. In the span of less than a paragraph he's fucking this woman with no greater warm up than just "Hunn, hunn, hun. Well, Missy if you were my woman I'd be fucking you every minute, huhh, yep, yep, yep!"

Is any woman NOT a Venus in these stories? Is any man not over 6 foot tall any muscular?

I hope you plan to work on the next chapter1

Regards,

C

Was this piss-poor story written by a child? Or by an idiot? Maybe written by an idiot child. I almost stopped at her 28c tits (how the hell did the idiot know her bra size? And no adult mother outside of Rowanda has 28c tits). But I plundered onward. It got worse and was so bad that I gave up after just three more paragraphs. This person is not a writer. This story is not erotic. It is a total waste of my time and the writers. Is this where I'm supposed to say I'm sorry for knocking this crap? Don't hold your breath.

wasn't too bad, but it does need alot of work... i hope that if you do write chap 2 its a hell of alot better

she threw me up against the floor you should first know you dont throw someon up to the floor its down to the floor unless your upside down which is very impossible ro maneuver.

Pat

At that point, I stopped reading and gave the story a 1* rating.

Why did you stop, it started out great.