All Comments on 'Death of a Marriage'

Just a couple translation mix ups. None needed more than a second to figure out. Good plot and writting. Looking forward to next chapter.

Excellent first effort! The plot is interesting, the story moves along at a decent pace without feeling rushed, and your writing is great for you as a non-native English speaker! I'm curious to know part 2!

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Keep up the writing and ignore the critics, most of whom haven't written anything!

Nice

Good start. He was a man and did what he had to do. Something tells me the next chapter she has an explanation for everything. We'll see...

An okay start. Usually if you're going to have multiple chapters it's good form to indicate that with a simple "CHAPTER ONE" following your story title. Not every sentence is a complete paragraph. You've got a lot of one liners in this. Be sure not to wait too long to post the next chapter.

The story was pretty good, but I have to say this was the first story I read where almost all paragraphs were only one sentence. The prose was stilted like a business report with bullets. That being said, it kind of worked since it documented a death of a marriage.

For the author, how is your writing in your native language? If you can write well in your native language, how about writing your story in that way first, then have it translated? This way the story is already formatted and hopefully flows. Then an editor in the English language maybe able to help massage what the translator misses. Just a thought

For someone writing in a foreign language this was quite good. It could do with a bit more detail and perhaps part 2 could be from the wife's perspective. Is it all it seems?

Maybe a good story IF you finish it. A+

DONT!!! Continue ..... Pleaseeeeee

Us reader are in the blank no experation about the recorded phonecall.

Lets see next part.

Congratulations on your first story. But please let there be no sequels. You Europeans are very liberal, and unlike us you have mastered the art of cuckoldry (both the willing and unwilling types). So please spare us another bullshit raac story. We have already had enough of it. 3 stars

40 or so years of accumulating stuff and it all fits inside an SUV?

I'm wondering just what kind of life he's lived that's so devoid of possessions. It might just be more solitary than we are led to believe. Maybe all's not as it seems and the wife isn't totally to blame.

Probably the makings of a story but, the writing style makes it almost impossible to follow

A nice start to a good story. A no frills story, which is different, but nothing wrong with different. I'd like to see where this story goes, whether you or some other author volunteers to continue it.

Thank-you for the good read.

Pasqual

Liked the story. I thought it was a little short and everything a little to easy for him. But good start. Like to see where it goes too

Can't rate until there are substance to rate it against. Waiting for next.

not bad for your first story. Look forward to part 2

Despite being from a non-English country, surely you must know about paragraphs? How dialogue isn't a line break or more away from the text explaining who said it? This is pretty unbearable and hard to follow.

Sure does need that part 2, more info on her new love and plans prior to her husbands finding out. Or maybe it was one of those famous MISTAKES, you know the ones where she tripped and flew onto his big dick. Whoops

So far so good! More please?

Don't wait to long for next chapter. First chapter excellent, keep second one in same context.

yep you need a second chapter........how the kids handled it. What happened to the slut and life moves on ...etc

So far so good. Three stars.

Pretty good for a first story.

Way too short and just throwing it out there for others to finish is lazy.

Pretty brutal.

The narration style changes perspective and the formatting made it trickier to follow.

I look forward to seeing the rest.

English as a second language was not the problem. Some non-American terms were used but did not distract.

The plot has been used a thousand times. There must be an app that writers enter characters names and a few details and the computer writes a story.

The lottery win was a lazy plot device to give husband an escape path. I prefer dialogue conversations to reveal events and emotions.

This story needed emotions. The narrative could have described a society garden party. Meh

esperando segunda parte

Like all new writers, I gave you a five for a valiant first try.

Josh, I will not rate this story because it is not worth rating. I understand your plea for mercy, but all European still connect random thoughts into a complete writing. This is a series of declarative sentences and nothing more. It is not a story, but statements. Moreover, European writers have written stories. There is no story here but cut-and-paste statements found in every other story in LW. I am sorry to say the problem is not the English language, but and lack of any story or any writing skill.

Pretty good story especially for writing in an alternative language. I was a little stilted and choppy but I have read worse from writers who claim English is their native language. However, I am not a fan of intentionally open ended stories. It is your story, the only person who can end it properly is you.

For someone with English as a second language you did well. Now Finish the story for us!!

good for a first try. Reads more like a script for a play than a story.. waiting for the ending.....

This was a good outline for a story. Now it’s time to take each sentence and fill in the good stuff. If you are posting in English write in your native language and use an editor. Then have the story translated. You will most likely need to make further edits. Good luck and good writing.

Good effort. I await the second part !

As a new writer, you have fallen into a trap that many "experienced" writers have set - you left your tale unfinished and deliberately requested others to finish it.

Develop your own tales and complete them, please.

3/5

couldn't give it better than 3*. Good luck with your future stories

Would like to learn what she was actually doing for last year in part 2. Might be tough to keep lottery winnings from her if she gets lawyer and fights divorce. During discovery phase of divorce her side might demand his bank and financial statements, but she wanted separate accounts so was likely hiding things (hotel bills?) that she doesn’t want him to see. Decent first effort, I for one would like to see more

Good story but stiff. Use a editor to make it flow with proper structure. But good start.

Very good start!

I read your setup and I was prepared not to like it. I found it quite good. You've made a strong effort language wise. I think you should keep writing and you will find each effort will work better.

Great first writing. I felt like I was reading a list, one with just details and no emotion. A bit of conversation at the end didn't ring with feelings.

Not bad for someone for whom English is not his native language. Concise, though perhaps lacking in emotional depth. This sterile form might come from not having English as your primary language.

Might I suggest an editor more versed in English. There were several misuses of words that detracted a little. For example, "Unbelieve in his eyes." The noun form is "disbelief."

I put the story together, and the plot line, though sparse, is not bad. But because of the missed translations, as a native English speaker, it frequently took me several seconds to "catch up" on what you intended to say. As someone who speaks a different language natively, I'm sure you have had the same experience in dealing with tourists who try to ask you questions in your own language.

But despite some language difficulties, a good first attempt.

So far not bad for a first try. Looking forward to the conclusion

Enjoyed it. As its not in your native language that was quite impressive. Looking forward to reading the next chapter. Maybe why she treated him that way and why she's so upset that he's leaving after being so dismissive of him.

Cryptic, but always good to watch a husband stand up for himself.

Not a bad first story

Sort of boring. No character development. I didn't care about the MC. Anti-climactic confrontation.

It was a bit broken writing wise. But the story flowed well enough. Yes, the English language is very hard to flow with unless you use it all the time. Over all good.

So many interesting way this story could go:

1. RAAC

2. BtB

3. Lonely misery

4. Happy renaissance

5. Epiphany

Or

6. ?

First attempts get some pity. Lol Ok let’s talk format. No paragraphs. Very little correct punctuation. Spacing every sentence? You go from First person to Third person with no rhyme or reason. Pick a person and stick with it. Your story theme is ok and has been used many times. I could go on but I’ll give you some slack. Read some of the really good stories from really good authors . It will give you some insight on how to write an understandable story.

So far so good

Not bad the husband took action it might be interesting to hear the wife’s story. Thanks for the story.

Good start, hope there will be a sequel as good.

An outline for a story with no emotion or feeling.

pretty good story line, but could use some fleshing out and character development. \

Keep going, looking forward to the next installment.

Enjoyable.

very good start. he was very efficient about his prep work for his divorce. please do not have him take the cheating bitch back

I'm not sure why anyone would volunteer to finish it.

You might try, but it will take a lot more work.

Might i suggest you work with a native English speaker in a collaborative way, either as a co-writer or as an editor. It will help the readability of your work quite significantly. The story itself is fine, if a little bare, its the telling of the story that seems cold and formal.

Not all negative though, a good solid base for a story and the characters are established.

There is a good story in there. In part 2, open up a little. Give us paragraphs, information, and more of the story. There is potential here.

congrats on your first story. Keep it up.

BRAVO!!!! For a first effort in a non-native tongue really well done. I concur that it was a bit devoid of emotion but hey, that's a guy's way of life. And you definitely write our husband as a guy. Get proof then get gone. No need for a cheating, skank in his life. Even if he hadn't won the lottery, getting out of that toxic situation is what a real guy would do. Please let him maintain his dignity and not make this a raac.

Great start and a great job for English as a second language

Thank you for sharing your story. This is a credible first story, especially as english is not your primary language.

To improve your story, you need to explain the emotions and attitudes behind the emotions. Why is the wife a cold hearted bitch but then cries when he leaves her? I think the husband should be more emotionally devastated unless his love was eroded over the past year. If it was, then a paragraph explaining that would be helpful.

I am not sure that this needs another part. I think driving off finishes the story at a good place. The next events are pretty predictable. Just another of many divorced men.

If a paragraph doesn’t begin with a quotation mark, that indicates it’s narrative. When one character is speaking and is not uninterrupted by narrative or another character talking, every paragraph starts with a mark, but only the last one has a closing mark. Because you didn't do this, many times it seemed like you were switching from 1st to 3rd person.

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When one paragraph ends with a quotation mark and the very next one starts with a mark, that indicates the character speaking has changed.

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Avoid one sentence pargraphs.

Pretty darn good, especially for a beginner. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Why the need of a continuation? All was said and done. End of story!

Better than some stories from English first writers. I commend your 1st effort. Keep writing (sequel to this story or something new). Work on the editing and polish. Will get better as you write more.

What there is to explain? the same old bullshit it was just sex? It would have been 3* for not ending it here, but it'll be only 2* because the writer wants volunteers to end it...

The story structure is sound but reads as a series of dot points which makes the writing style jarring. It has potential if you can lift your standard of English.

Why ruin a good ending like this with a second part ?

Yep! Need more of that story!

Pretty good, english was ok too

This is not a story. It is a list of sentences, which tell a series of factual events. The suggestion to work with a native English speaker is a good one.

Double spaced single sentences? It read like an old Telegraph. All that was missing was the word Stop after each sentence. Cmon, you can do better.

I liked it...we'll see if you don't fuk it in the second part.

Hahahahaha I just saw our resident old tell, 26thNC telling an author how to write the rest of his story. This coming from a duck it who has never written a single thing in his miserable life. It take a special kind of dipshit to tell other how to do something when they themselves have never done it. Day in and day out he makes himself look like a complete douchebag.

I have a great invention for your country. It might not make you a lot of money, but would surely earn you lots of respect. May even get you a statue in the middle of the town. It's called a paragraph. Look up the concept, and share it with your countrymen and women.

The English part I can ignore. But surely where you're at has paragraphs. Also, you can't write a story with paint by the numbers the biggest cliches from LW. English was the least of your problems here.

it would have been

it would have been nice to know this was a 2 or more part story.

More adultery fiction, a form of science fiction. The woman in this story is Not a normal human being. Or . . ., the husband married a shallow selfish grotesque whore and never knew it, until he over heard a telephone conversation. Really, married to the equivalent of an aardvark for 23 years, but didn't know it until he found the phrase "Property Of The Aardvark Fuck Club" tattooed inside her ear. Or was it Martian Slut Ray. They haven't fucked for a year, and she had become a cruel harridan, but he couldn't tell he was a cuckold until he heard her accidentally confess. Guess he'd still be married to this soulless monster if he was just a little hard of hearing.

Yeah, Adultery Fantasy Fiction. Has no relation to the real world, but its so much fun to read about the wife taking 10-inch cocks and fucking for hours and having dozens of orgasms, and totally disrespecting her husband, herself, her children, her entire family. You know you spent more time explaining all the details about the husband's discovery and making his exit plans than you bothered to tell us about their failed marriage. Like maybe there is at least some explanation from the wife's perspective that might make the story a little more compelling and interesting?

Nah, stick with the Fantasy, its a lot easier to write. The characters don't have to make any sense and their behavior can be completely unrealistic and its all OK, Because Its Fiction. It Snot.

Thanks for the effort.

*** Relax and get an editor your story was real stiff, But still a good read. I am looking forward to Part .02

I can appreciate the difficulty of writing in a second language, which accounts for most of the choppy flow. But even conceptually, there's too much reliance on overused LW tropes, and there's nothing in the story that's currently enticing me to stick it out. I'd suggest not to worry about the language too much (could always ask for an editor if it comes to that), come up with some interesting ideas for the story first and the rest will follow. Good luck.

that was a flop ending are u going to finish it or are u asking someone else to finish it?

god i so miss FTDS. we dont need second by second details leave a bit for ppls imagination to kick in. makes for a better story ppl will be able to get into it more

The water is very choppy in this fantasy. But I will seek out the next chapter.

Unclear about whether you are writing the next part (you should) or if you are are trying to start a chain.

Right now your writing is not at the starting a chain level.

To do that you need to earn respect by completing your own stories.

Worthy effort. Please continue.

This was an excellent start, especially given the nonNative Speaker part. Conversation carried much of the heavy-lifting in the theme development of the tale, rather than narrative. Good job!

5*

great story sharp to the point waiting on part two

Not bad at all, a little mechanical, but not bad at all

then, just like a splits-villa. yank it of asap. TK U MLJ LV NV

8 figures in the bank and he rents a place and buys a second hand car?

Is he worried he might spend too much?

Waiting on part 2!!

was a 3-4*. Gave it a 1* because you ask others to finish the damn story.

I don't think there will be a continuation. Too bad!!!

There as been enough time for the author to write part two,why hasn't he?.Also it is obvious ,no one is going to do it for him.

I think this was an okay first part, but we really needed to hear the context of the phone call with her friend. At the very least, it would have been good to spell it out during his confrontation with Karin. Now, all we can do is guess what she'd said on the phone that incriminated herself. On to part 2.

Yes l see you do not have good English plus you interchange your characters names a bad look. names.

Scores 2/5

Considering English isn't your native tongue, you speak it quite well, better than most on here. It's a good start of a story. We'll just have to wait and see how it develops.

ok I read it the second time when I saw chapter 03 as honestly I forgot about this story.

And this was a well written chapter.

Moving on to chapter 2.

Thanks JoshFrom53.

One line sentences do not a story make. Horrible writing style. Not really a lot of information considering they had been married 23 years. This story is off to a bad start.