All Comments on 'Deep Throat at the Couch Pt. 01'

'Chapter' is not a synonym for 'paragraph' despite what you did above. This is not a story, not erotic and definitely not even slightly romantic, either.

OK premise.

Not a story. Barely a scene.

No indication of place, individuals, reason why they're doing what they're doing.

Two stars. That's being generous.

Congratulations on your first story here. You've presented an erotic scene but it could be better. Please take this as constructive criticism to help you improve your writing.

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First, this is an Erotic Coupling, BDSM, Fetish, or maybe something else, but there's not enough of a story for most readers in the Romance category to really see it fitting in this category, particularly with some of what went on in the story. Stories generally do better when placed in the correct category so people who enjoy that category can find the work. Since this isn't exactly appropriate for the Romance category, many readers might tend to downvote the story as not what they were expecting.

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The story is brief, very brief, just a hundred words or so over the LIt minimum for a story and it consists of one scene, essentially a vignette, but it's divided into four chapters, three of which are a single paragraph. You might ditch the chapters since they're so short as to be meaningless and concentrate instead on dividing your work into more effective paragraphs. There's no dialogue in this, so use changes in action or focus to break it up so the reader can digest each part rather than gulping it all down in one furious charge. It will make it easier for readers on cellphones to read, too, instead of having a big wall of text.

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Finally, dialogue can be your friend. So much of this is "I" or "my" focused, with a few on "she" or "her" but let the reader inside the participants heads with them expressing their thoughts aloud. That might not be as appropriate here due to the nature of their coupling, but keep it in mind for future stories.

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That said, I didn't rate this since it wasn't what I expected based on the category and I don't want to affect your score negatively. I hope this and the advice above helps with your future work.