All Comments on 'Devil in a Dark Storm'

I'm disappointed to have to say this since this story took longer to write than the two days the author's other Halloween contest entry took to write, but within the first paragraph it is evident this story has the same kinds of errors. By what I could have sworn was the third page, the story was already so repetitive and aimless and felt so long that I thought to myself, "Thank god it's halfway done." I didn't think I could make myself continue otherwise. I was shocked to discover I had only read one page. I couldn't continue.

Incomplete sentences, seemingly random punctuation, typos, and wrong words are common. "Pursues" in place of pursuers. "Ridden" in place of riddled. "Posed" in place of possessed. The first example took a moment to figure out and reads like a typo. The latter examples read like the author didn't know the correct words. The readers are left to tease them out for themselves. That shouldn't ever be the reader's responsibility. We have sentences within the same paragraph that contradict each other and a lot of short, clipped sentences that tell instead of show and contribute to making the story feel like it's going nowhere painfully and slowly.

Here's an example of the repetition. "Stormy October weather always made her leg pain act up. The wind and rain didn't help either." Stormy October weather *is* wind and rain. It's the same as saying, "Stormy October weather always made her leg pain act up. The stormy October weather didn't help either." Just shoot me.

Aside from the repetition, I don't even know what to call this sort of thing, but we have a lot of it. In a few paragraphs Aldea told Keiran that she was in extreme pain from her polio-addled leg, that it caused her to not keep up with taking care of the hotel part of the business, and subsequently the bank was on her back threatening to take the business from her. The very next thing we read is: "He wondered what was going on in her life that had prompted such an outburst from her." *And then* we're treated to a few more paragraphs repeating all that. For the love of god just gouge my eyes out.

In short, it's poorly written and not contest quality. If it was properly edited, it wouldn't come close to the six pages we currently have. The author needs to find an editor to make their work readable and not test the patience of their readers. 1*