Did My Heart Love Till Now? Ch. 02-04

It was not something I ever thought I should ask about - I felt it wasn't my business to ask but she would tell me if she wished me to know - but I had sometimes pondered about her relationship with Klaus. I knew that many couples, married or not, conducted open relationships and I never considered there was any reason why they shouldn't. So I did not consider it especially remarkable that a normal middle aged wife might be a tantrica, any more than if she were a professor or a doctor.

On this occasion Renate was telling me a little more about her family life, their interests and activities. She and her husband clearly lived their own lives yet were open with each other and comfortable with each other's lifestyle. Klaus was obviously aware of Renate's being a tantrica, and that she sometimes invited me to the home. Neither held any feeling of jealousy or possessiveness over the other's time or wishes. I had never before met anyone on such a relationship, and was following with interest. Suddenly she paused, and looked at me anxiously for a few moments, as if frightened to continue. I felt there was something important she wanted to say but didn't know how, or whether to do so. I took her hands in mine and, seemingly reassured, she confided something very sad to me.

"Edward, I can only say this to someone I have come to know as a special friend. I warn that very sad. Some time ago ....."

Dear reader, I am sorry that I cannot recount any details of what Renate told me. It wouldn't be right to say anything except that a tragedy occurred which deeply touched their lives of all her family. As she spoke of it, I kept her hands in mine and drew her closer to me as sadness came over my face as well.

She was silent and I offered the the only thing I felt could give her solace. "Renate, I'm so sorry that happened but I want to thank you so much for sharing, I know difficult it must have been to speak of it. If there is ever anything else you would like to share, I'll always be here to listen."

It took a few minutes for her to recover her composure and I held her close to me during that time.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Renate never again spoke of what happen, but it seemed she had let go of a burden and I thought her mood was more relaxed after that. Perhaps I am being fanciful but it seemed she became less guarded when speaking to me of things that were important to her. In return, I felt easier about speaking of personal matters that hitherto were private.

One time, it was not long before the end of my time living in the region, and I had arrived at her home. I was about to take a shower before our tantra and she asked about my family, how I felt about living and working in Germany, and if I thought to resume my life in England after I retired from work. It had always been easy enough to talk about external matters, and I already told about the circumstances that brought me to live and work here.

However, I felt awkward when the subject moved to more personal issues and relationships, particularly my plans for the future. I would normally have been reluctant to elaborate, but Renate was so accepting of me that I started to open my soul and reveal details of my life that I could not have told anybody else. I gave a very brief account of my early life, my student days when I met my wife to be and our mutual hopes and plans.

"So you must have been married a long time, Edward."

"Yes, nearly forty years now."

The next revelations were hard to make, and filled me with sadness.

"When I came to work and live here I thought my wife and I would settle in the area together. She stayed here the first few years but was never happy and went back to our home in England. Ever since then we have visited each other several times a year, but it's not like being really together."

I didn't feel comfortable with what I was saying because, while it was factually true, it was not giving an honest picture of my situation.

"I don't normally talk about this," I continued, "but our marriage was always vanilla, even by the standards of vanilla and we have drifted further apart over the years of our mostly separate lives. We have an acceptance of our situation and a mutual fondness, but unfortunately there has never been much passion or intimacy. That hasn't been a problem for my wife who is not sentimental or romantic. However, it has been a problem for me, in fact it still is. I tell myself that in her heart my wife looks forward to my return, but I know it would not seriously bother her if I stayed here and we separately made our own lives.

We have talked about it and she is quite honest with herself regarding her expectations about our future relationship. She is happy enough with our situation. However, it is more complicated for me. While I admit that I am used to being here mostly on my own and am comfortable with that, I do not want to grow old having nobody to share my life with. I sometimes wonder about trying to find a life partner here, my wife has said me she'd be OK with that, I wonder if she might even welcome it. But I am almost certain that will not happen. So I fully expect I'll go back to live in England after I retire. I said I felt settled here, but there are many things about my own country that I miss. And we can rekindle our relationship."

For a few moments Renate was quiet and thoughtful as she digested this revelation. I was feeling rather subdued at the realisation of what I had spoken. The words were true, that was something I knew deep in my heart, although I was not inclined to acknowledge it, even to myself. The conversation was making me feel strange, this was not something I ever thought I'd come out and tell to anybody. The fact that I did was perhaps another sign about how my feelings toward Renate had deepened. Had I fallen in love? If I had then it was a love that was doomed before it was born. I now understood why it was so unlikely ever that I would find a partner her, and why I had to keep that a secret.

I could tell we were both feeling awkward and I needed to lighten the mood, "Oh I'm sorry Renate, this talk is getting rather too serious. Let us just enjoy our time together now."

"Yes, dear Edward, let us make the most of our afternoon."

By the time I was showered the mood had relaxed and she came to me, smiled, and with that we gently hugged and kissed. She ran her fingers through my thinning hair, the little ritual which had become the precursor to the little ritual through which we entered into our tantric togetherness. I recall now how the ensuing sharing of body and soul proved to be one of our most emotionally intimate times together. Wistfully, I recall that it was one of the last times before I relocated back to England.

Chapter 4: My final visit

Dear reader, I confess that I have become lost in my reminiscences. Belatedly, I return to the narrative that I began ..... it seems like hours ago.

I wanted our final time together to be special, and I was sure Renate did as well. As always we tenderly hugged and kissed upon my arrival, yet there was a deeper longing for each of us to share our soul and our emotions. There might have been a little tear running down my cheek this time. I brought a little gift for her, just a small ornament for her mantelpiece and some wine for her to enjoy after I had gone. I knew that later on she and Klaus would be together and share together in ways that were impossible for me - it was something I accepted.

Our time together was magical. Every feeling that had passed between us in before was repeated and heightened. The tenderness of her hands and her naked body intimately against mine slowly built fire of passion and energy all through me. I will not again relate all the details but let me say that her caresses and probing of my intimacies, her warm breath on my genitals, and her whispered sweet words in my ear -- all of these caused my whole world to shrink to this room and I became lost in her being. I had never experienced before such arousal combined with longing for one person. As I was finally approaching climax her face was down close to my crotch. Her fingers were playing their exquisite music with my lingam and my prostate. I was getting bigger and harder than I had for a long time.

"Renate! ..... I cannot hold on! ..... oah! ..... oaaahh!! ....I can't stop .... I'm going to ...... aarghh!!! ......."

It was as if my insides exploded as I bucked and thrashed. My manhood jumped and twitched as juice erupted from me. It seemed to be going everywhere and my high surely lasted longer than usual as my groans of passion went on and on. I'm sure that if Renate's hadn't kept her weight on me I would have been on the ceiling. It would be too embarrassing for me to paint a verbal picture of the exhibition I must have I made, so I leave it to the reader's imagination to form some sort of mental image.

My excitement eventually subsided and I regained my breath. I looked at Renate's face and saw how my ejaculate had spattered over her face and breasts. I don't know if I was being over sensitive, but feared she would be offended. I could only apologise, red faced and embarrassed,

"Oh dear, I'm sorry Renate, are you all right? I really lost control of what was happened and where it was going."

But she had a big smile and leaned over to kiss me.

"Of course Edward, I'm fine. I'm so happy I helped you to have such a wonderful climax."

I was still panting a little after my exertions but managed to gather some composure. I gently held her head to me and softly kissed, then licked her cheeks so as to clean my juice off her. I wanted this moment to last forever.

"Oh Renate, please let us lie together on the mattress and snuggle for a while. I'm not yet ready to let you go." But silently, "I'll never be ready to let you go."

Renate pulled the soft cover over us and we lay side by side, sharing the little space as thought we were lovers. We must have stayed like that for more than an hour and all the time I dreamed that it was our whole lives we were sharing and not just these few feet of space and short interval of time. We didn't speak much, there was little need to express ourselves in words and I didn't think I'd be able to say anything much that would make sense. Kisses and gentle fingertip caresses were our way of communicating. I'm quite sure that Renate would have happily brought be to further orgasms, but nothing could have surpassed the one I had just experienced. Indeed, such was my release of emotion and sexual energy that I doubted if I'd be capable of another climax.

It was only the progressive filling of my bladder that compelled me to rise. Renate knew at once and, as had become routine, brought me the container to fill, the one which I now kept at her place for this very purpose. For the last time we would look into each other's eyes as I filled the container while she held my penis in one hand and stroked my nipples with the other. After I'd finished and she had placed it safely to the side, we stayed in that position while hold hands and gazing at each other.

I yearned acutely to speak the words that would declare my love. For a few moments time seemed to stand still as I had to fight back a primeval desire to take her in my arms and kiss her deeply, penetrate her mouth with my tongue. The temptation to do so was hard to withstand, and I had a fleeting premonition that my carnal instincts might to take over and I would act unforgivably - something I'd surely regret it for the rest of my life. For a moment I doubted myself, but it was as if a greater power had come to my rescue and held me back. Battle raged between the two forces, but after a while it subsided and I knew that I remained sane and the greater power had won.

As if on autopilot, I collected my things together and readied myself for the final goodbye, while we made light conversation to preserve the mood. I was to share one last kiss and hug - Renate held me very tight this time as if wanting to keep something of me for ever in her heart. I must have been shaking with emotion while we lingered at the door and we promised to stay in touch. I was certain that we both knew something of how the other was feeling, and perhaps were aware the futility of either of us saying any more.

I walked with a slow tread and heavy heart to my car. As I got inside and closed the door the realisation hit me that a magical part of my life had ended. My eyes watered and the tears began to run down my cheeks. Some minutes passed before I was able see clearly and drive away.