Discarded and Forsaken - A Reality Pt. 02

Sarah shrugged at the proposal but I saw a momentary smile cross her face. Rightly or wrongly, I couldn't help but it put my back up. It must have reflected in my expression because her smile quickly followed by a look of fear.

I said, "Children, Grandad and I are going to find Mummy a nicer place to stay nearby so that she can come and see you. Tonight she can stay with you but there is much for your Mum and I to talk about. I want you to give us some time, will you do that? And I promise not to chase her away, you know I have never done that." I wasn't sure but I was making a point that I hoped she got.

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Dad and I helped with clearing away and allowed Sarah to shepherd the children away to spend more time with them. Once cleared away to Mum's satisfaction, we headed out to the flophouse that her Hotel was commonly known as. By the time we returned the house seemed eerily quiet, Mum was relaxing with a book on the couch and the children were nowhere to be seen or heard. Recognising my reticence, Dad went to peep in the childrens bedroom and came back to report that Sarah and the Kids were all fast asleep. They'd pushed the beds together and were snuggled up either side of her and presumably she had nodded off too, a book was carelessly laid across her body so it was likely she fell asleep while reading. It was like old times and my insides turned over with the loss of what had been lost by her selfishness and carelessness.

A couple of hours later I heard footsteps trying stealthily to make their way downstairs without waking the children. Sarah eventually arrived at the bottom and I indicated for her to join me in the kitchen and she nodded her assent.

I sat on a barstool once again whilst she did what she came down for, getting herself water. I said, "So what is happening with you?"

My psychologist says I should see him next month and possibly by facetime thereafter. He wants you to talk to him."

I nodded thinking about how I might be able to arrange it. I said, "It's not cheap travelling back there, I don't know when I can do it, I might have to facetime as well."

"You're telling me."

"How have you been managing?"

"I am eking out what I can from the household budget, stopped anything non-essential, cut out luxury foods, that kind of thing, got myself a little job but it doesn't pay much."

I thought to myself that she was learning the hard way, well I hoped so.

She seemed to answer my thoughts saying, "You were a good provider.........." she tailed off before plucking up the courage to say, " I appreciate how much you did for our family."

I didn't want her thanks, it was too late for that, so I changed the subject. "What are your plans? I am concerned for the children."

"I want to stay and be with them, will you let me?"

"Do you intend to move here, to look after them or just flit in and out of their lives in between enjoying yourself with some celebrity?"

"I want to be their mother but I understand if you don't want to see me."

"I will have to talk to my Mum, she's been doing your job and it's wearing on her although she would never admit it. In the meantime I suggest that you visit with them every day and go back to your room after they are settled in bed.

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I started to think quickly, I hadn't been wasting time during the previous months and my parents had been marking time waiting for me to resolve my plans for the future. The job I had was relatively low paid for the qualifications and experience I had. The problem was that my role was a low income earner for my employers, my specialism was peripheral for them and they only took it on for clients as a favour.

Dad and I had been talking about me going alone, taking my employers contacts with me with their consent and paying them a small percentage of the continued income. My investigations indicated that there was nobody providing my type of service in these parts and there was room for expansion picking up business that people were taking to brokers several hours away in the nearest big cities. It wouldn't be much for a big organisation but for a small office it could be a very nice income indeed. All that had been really holding me back was family uncertainty but now I was thinking that my soon to be ex-wife would make a full time nanny.

I made up my mind, "This is what I'm prepared to suggest. If you fulfil caring for the children from waking them in the morning until getting them to be at night, I am prepared to pay you an appropriate budget. It should be enough to cover your needs until you find better paid employment for when they are at school. When you have a job offer, we can look again at the arrangement."

Her face was a picture of happiness, she hadn't yet realised the downsides of my proposal, depending on where we found somewhere decent for her to live. It was going to be a tight schedule to be in time to wake the little ones and to get them prepared, then being around them whenever they were home until they were asleep. The money I could afford was not going to go far, at least until we sold the house and cleared any remaining debts.

I soured the atmosphere by adding just one barb. I'd promised myself to be civil and not start pointless recriminations but couldn't help saying, "I won't be able to afford to pay you enough to go back and see your lovers. Perhaps if we split any money from the house you will be able to." She looked directly into my eyes and I could see that she was trying to work out where I was coming from and how much of a chance she had. I pushed myself to appear unconcerned, I didn't want her to see my inner feelings. It was stressful enough just standing here talking to a woman who had ripped the heart out of my world.

Eventually she said, "That won't be necessary, we will need all our combined assets to provide a proper life for our family."

What did I read in that? Well time would tell but I wasn't thinking about a relationship with her ever again except as combined parents who would appear to the world to be happy. I would be grieving for a long time to come and her being here wasn't going to help but it was what I had to do. I decided that I wasn't going to just sit around and mope.

"OK, I said, I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings. I will probably fly back one more time to arrange the house sale, how was it when you left? Is there anything I need to do?"

"I guess the garden will need a tidy and our stuff to move out."

"Hmm sounds like I might need some help, I'll see if it's possible to transport our stuff here and into a storage unit."

"Would you like my help?"

"That might be too much too soon for me but I'll think about it. Anything else I should know? Maybe you want to make a list of people you want to keep in touch with?"

"She shook her head emphatically, there's no one you won't have thought of."

Our eyes met and held for a while, she was pleading for me to believe her. I didn't want to, wasn't sure I ever wanted to trust her again. I broke the moment and disappointment enveloped her. I said, "Have you looked at what bus services travel there and back?"

She shook her head, "I had no plans on ever going back, my family is here now. Even if you didn't let me in, I wasn't going back. I'm planning to make up for the time I've missed, but I'll look it up and come with you."

I had walked myself into that one, but maybe the kids wouldn't let her go.

She looked at me seriously and said, "The psychologist said you would have lots of questions, accusations and anger to show me."

"It's been six months Sarah, you destroyed our lives, what else do you think I have."

She was stalwart, her face held in control with what she thought was an understanding expression. 'Fuck you!' I thought, 'I'm not playing psycho mind games.' Instead I said, "You think its some kind of psycho game we play to make it all right.Tell you what lets start with a maths question, How many men fucked you? how many times in how many ways? It's a nightmare I have that goes on and on with no limit. Help me out here, limit the number of imaginings so that I can get a decent sleep?"

I turned away to go, mentally exhausted but there stood my mother in the doorway, with a look so distressed that I wanted to cry like a little boy, caught in the act of doing something that would disappoint his mom intensely.

I was not a crier, growing up at a time when men were supposed to be real men, strong and protective in the face of adversity, not like today's whining and whinging weaklings. But as I headed up the stairs the tears started.

I crashed into my bedroom that also served as my temporary desk station. For a while I was lost in guilt for what my mom had seen, and worst of all for losing control. It was beneath me, I was a better man than that and felt so guilty that she had witnessed my breakdown. Why, ohh why, did I let her get to me.

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I had decided that I must speak to the psychologist as soon as I could. I sent him an email asking for a meeting as soon as possible. Then I began to make a list of things I needed to discuss with him.

First on my list was understanding the reasons for her betrayal. I knew I was stepping on client confidentiality with that one and I might have to have her present to ask such a question. However until I had an answer to that question I couldn't see how I could move forward on any basis. I had a seemingly endless list of questions for her of course but had become tired of thinking about them. I wasn't sure if I wanted to bring them up until I understood how a working relationship with her could pan out. I decided to write them down and put them at the bottom of a drawer I rarely used to see if that helped to clear my mind.

So back on track, what I really wanted to talk to the psychologist about was the offers that I had discussed with my Dad. Much as I had hardened my heart as far as Sarah was concerned, I didn't want to stir up something that would send her into a mental institution, the kids would never forgive me. It was a tough decision because what I really felt like doing was throwing her to the wolves.

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Sarah

Shit, shit, shit, shit, what did I say, it was going so well. I followed him out of the room with my eyes and of course there she stood, his mom. She had always been my test, never good enough for her boy. Now her face changed from abject distress to accusation. "What did you say to him?"

I couldn't help stuttering, "Nnnnothing. The psychologist said I should expect him to ask me questions, that he would throw accusations and show me how angry he was. That I should let him show his feelings, let it out and be as honest as possible without hurting him further. I just tried to let him know that I was ready to listen and answer now. I guess I didn't say it right."

"By his reaction I would have guessed not, but it was far too early, you have only just returned, you have to give him time to get used to you being here."

"I guess not, that was really nasty."

"You're not surprised are you?"

"No, I guess it was more than I expected straight away. Why are you being kind to me? I thought you would hate me too?"

"Ohh I do, but there's a lot more at stake than your feelings or even how I feel about you. If you really want to work this out you will have to accept that your feelings don't count, you threw away any right to consideration. Now you have to face the truth of what you have done and it's monstrously ugly. I'm sure he will remind you many times, in many ways, every time something you do brings back the memories."

I looked in the only direction that seemed appropriate, down.

Catherine continued, "One of the defining problems that you will have is that you probably enjoyed what you did greatly and there will be times when you will wonder whether the price afterwards is worth it, You probably have already thought about it during the intervening months. I wonder how long it will take before you feel like running away, and then what?"

I wasn't having that, I hadn't gone through the months of theory and constant self examination to give up. As far as I was concerned I was in for the long haul. My memories were mine and they were stored firmly away.

Catherine watched her with something like disdain, she could read her mind. She knew her son like no-one else and she really didn't think his wife knew him as well as she thought she did. Her behaviour that fateful night was proof of that. But she kept her own counsel, she decided that her job was to be prepared for the worst. She felt that it was inevitable but she hoped for her grandchildren's and her son's sake that she was wrong.

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The following morning Mark was up early, coffee underway and the aroma permeating through the house. He had a busy week ahead, but needed to make arrangements to house Sarah, yet keep her at arms length.

Ron was down soon after and ready to get started. He had in mind to house Sarah somewhere within walking distance, maybe a bed and breakfast. Mark was happy to leave it for him to organise.

And so the week continued with Sarah arriving early enough to get the kids up and off to School. She spends the days organising for the transfer of their stuff, making investigations online and hoping Mark will be pleased enough to give her some breathing space. She cooked for everyone, and did all the housework she could find.

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Mark

Christine enjoyed her time with Ron and eventually gave in to visiting the Doctors when I offered to help Dad carry her in. When I came in after work on Wednesday, there was a solemn atmosphere about the place and Mum's face said 'don't ask!' Dad came up behind her, looked at me and touched his chest, I tried to nod secretly. Later I learned that she was being sent for tests the following day. I tried my best to act normally but a pit had opened up in my stomach.

As the evening wore on, Dad was being super attentive and fussing over her, I could see that Mum was getting irritated so I corralled him and took him for a walk towards the boatshed.

"So what's going on?" I asked as soon as I could.

"She has a growth in her breast. Scares me to death." He admitted.

"I know what you mean, I feel sick too but we have to be strong for her, as if it's nothing."

"I know son, it's just that she puts on this facade but I know she is just trying to be strong for me."

Mark decided to make a suggestion."How about we accelerate plans for your trip, she doesn't need to know and if she has to have treatment we can always put it on hold, otherwise you can make it a way of celebrating."

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Ron

Ron tried to change the subject. "How are things going with you and Sarah?"

"I haven't worked out how she can be a mother whilst I can keep my distance from her. There are so many unknowns, I don't believe she wouldn't go back to that free life, given a chance. I need to get to the old place, clear out and get it sold. I also need a face to face with the psychologist."

"So when do you plan to head out?"

"Sarah says there is a bus service and is checking the timetable and pricing."

"Why are you going by bus?"

"It's just more cost, we can't keep paying for flights."

"Come now, we can find enough to get this over and done with, I have to settle a few remaining matters at my old firm, why don't you let me take you with me?"

"What about Mum?"

"We'll know more soon but why don't you get flights organised for say next week."

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Mark

The next few days went by in a rush, a flight was arranged for the following week, Mum was found to have a non-malignant problem and we were waiting for an appointment for her treatment. A collective sigh of relief was felt through the household.

I spent my time, when not working, thinking about how I was going to deal with Sarah and the future. So many things ran through my mind that I resolved to make a list of issues that needed to be resolved.

My first issue was that I didn't believe anyone who entered into an affair or a fling would do so without considering the consequences, even though fleetingly. There are always consequences, so when the person is overcome with excitement, or lust, they must fling those concerns aside at some point, well I suppose anyone capable of rational thought maybe. As I saw it Sarah either didn't care enough or really thought she could get away with it. Given the special circumstances of the evening I couldn't see how she could imagine the latter.

Sarah's excuse was that her friends assured her that I would forgive her and that she was taken up in the whole rush of adventure and excitement. Bullshit of course, she may not have considered all the consequences but she sure knew it was wrong on so many levels, not least that it was supposed to be our special night. I decided she thought I was soft and malleable but I couldn't remember a time that I had given her any indication that I would forgive infidelity. Our relationship was now tarnished and there was no going back to what it was before.

The problem was that I needed her around for the children. Did that mean that I had to give up the ideal of a normal life?

So that led me to point two, how was I going to deal with her being around, making me mad by her very existence, while allowing her to be a full time mother and not affecting the children. They had already established that they aren't ignorant of life going on around them, despite their young age.

In the months since her escapade I had had more than enough time to chew over all the possibilities if she came back. I had concluded that I had previously settled for an easy life, giving in rather than getting into an argument. It wasn't, I thought, because I was an easy touch, more because I thought that being a mum was a far harder job and therefore she was entitled to latitude when it came to home life decisions. Did that make me weak or soft, maybe in hindsight it might look that way and at some point there would have been a reckoning. It just came unexpectedly and for the worst possible reason.

I had pretty much decided that if she came back she would be a 'live in' nanny, but I hadn't realised the effects she had on me. When in her company my mood swung from ambivalence through desire, to anger and I had shown that latter side of me in front of my mother, to my shame. I supposed I still cared for the woman I had lost and it just came out sometimes. I needed to keep away from the damned woman but didn't see why she should affect my time with the children.

The conclusion was, get control of myself, put up and act like a man, but I was going to get me a life! Then the bitch would walk in the door, all cute and smiling.

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As Ron probably foresaw, he didn't make the flight and Sarah was suggested as a replacement. Good sense made Mark bite his tongue from suggesting it had been engineered but his Mum had been diagnosed as non cancerous so needed a minor operation to remove the lump in her breast. Hence, they offered to babysit and Mark and Sarah found themselves in close proximity for a lot longer than he was comfortable with.