Discarded and Forsaken - A Reality Pt. 02

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The flight, Mark

Dad drove us to the airport, he did most of the talking in the car outlining a few things he wanted us to do for him, then there wasn't much of a delay so we didn't really talk much until we found ourselves side by side on the plane. We busied ourselves, checking out the brochures in the pocket behind the seat in front and then she asked, "How are you doing Mark?"

"Well enough I suppose," not knowing what else to say but that meant my automatic follow on was, "And you?"

"I am sad, lonely and heartsick, but I'm sure you would know that or at least guessed it." Before I could reply she continued, "But what I really meant is how do you feel? It's been hard on you being a single Dad and trying to work as well as relocating."

Well that threw me, I had to think for a moment. "I guess that being so busy has prevented me from wallowing in despair and self pity. The little ones have been a lifesaver and both families of course, your family never fails to ring me at least once a week to see how I am and ask about the children, they plan to visit as soon as they can."

Sarah's face showed surprise at that, obviously unaware. It took her a moment to gather herself and we were silent for a while. Gathering herself she asked, "I heard that you were planning to start up a business, how's that going?"

I didn't realise she knew but decided it was a safe enough subject so for the rest of the journey it was our main topic of discussion interspersed with silences that became easier as time passed. As we were about to land she said, "Would you consider allowing me to help you with your new enterprise once the children are back at school?"

"Weren't you planning to get some kind of job? How did you make out during the time you were in treatment?"

"I signed up with a temporary work agency and pretty much did anything they gave me, I washed dishes, answered phones and did admin work. It wasn't rocket science but as you know I haven't worked since the children were born. Still the last firm seemed to like me and offered me a contract but I didn't think you planned to bring the children back so it was a non-starter."

She carried on to tell me the firm had been an advertising agency and she had been following up on marketing to new clients, it gave me pause for thought.

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Time passed and the trip had been without the conflict I was half afraid of. I had imagined trying to deal with her in a confined space full of fellow passengers and had been stressed by the expectations my mind created. As a result, I was more relaxed and the conversation had been safe and subdued and I felt ambivalent to her question about being involved, where earlier I would have avoided any idea of close proximity to her beyond absolutely necessary. So I almost automatically said I would consider the suggestion and her face beamed with delight. It reminded me of how much I had once delighted in her smiles of pleasure and I felt an overwhelming feeling of loss. I turned away so that she couldn't see my sadness and the tears oothat threatened.

To change the subject I voiced my thoughts on the program for the next few days while we waited to disembark the plane. I had phoned the psychologist, Simon, in advance to arrange appointments and he had asked to see each of us individually followed by a joint consultation. We had both been happy with that so it was set for our second day there. On the first day, Sarah had arranged for us to see an agent at the house and we planned to go through our possessions deciding what we wanted to keep. We thought the sale would be better served by leaving the house furnished but wanted to have plans in place for the furniture once a sale was agreed. Additionally we had to deal with day to day matters such as service providers, so I had allowed three days although I hoped we might be ready to leave in two. The real worry was how things would stand by the time we had met with the psychologist.

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At the psychologist

"So Sarah, how have things been since I last saw you?"

"Well Simon, I took your letter with me and went to see Mark at his Parents House. I showed him the letter and he indicated that I should go to see the children. Everyone was 'cold' toward me to start with, except for the children, it was so wonderful to be with them again."

He nodded, indicating for her to continue and she went on, with some nudging from Simon to continue relating all that had happened.

"So where do you think you are now?" he asked.

"I have no idea in most ways. Yes, I see the children when they are awake and sometimes when they are fitful I sleep with them."

"Carry on. How does that work with Mark and his parents?"

"Well, I don't really know. It's like we coexist without interacting unless it concerns the children or some practical matter."

"Has there been no interaction with Mark whatsoever?"

"I feel like I'm dancing on hot coals with him, I daren't say anything that might trigger him being angry with me and when he is, it's really nasty."

"That's understandable, and we did discuss what might happen, didn't we?"

"I know, but it still brings back guilt and I can't help feeling desolated."

"Well, I'll see how he feels in just a while. In the meantime, let me ask. Has there been any change to your feelings about your 'disappearance'?

"None really, it's become like a dream, an out of body experience that wasn't me."

"Well, I'm not sure he will accept that as an explanation but I cannot express enough that it's going to take a long time. It's something that will never go away and no matter what happens it will always be there waiting to come out for any number of reasons in your day to day life."

"I just feel so lonely Simon, even though I have people around me I feel like an interloper, a live-in nanny who isn't really part of the family."

"I suspect that that could be the way of it for some time yet but from what you have told me about the flight over, you seem to have found some 'companionship,' shall we say."

"That's true, if only I didn't feel like I'm walking on thin ice all the time."

"We don't have much time left in this session so I propose we go back over what we have talked about in earlier sessions and try to reinforce some of the progress we made. One of the things that will be high on Mark's agenda, is understanding 'why,' because as we've discussed, he will still see your errant behaviour as a direct attack on him, your marriage and your family."

Tears had started to well up in her eyes and she reached for a tissue before nodding her head, and the consultation moved on.

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The Psychologist thought that Mark looked different from their previous consultations when he entered the room and they shook hands. He seemed more confident and business-like from when he had last seen him some time ago. He hoped it was a positive change but feared that it might signal that Mark had put his marriage in the past and moved on. He remarked, "Hello Mark, you are looking particularly well since I last saw you, a changed man I'd hazard a guess."

"In many ways yes, I am certainly enjoying the life I'm leading now more than the one I had grown used to."

"That's interesting Mark, in what ways has it changed and how do they relate to the fateful weekend?"

"Don't get me wrong, I feel like I'm juggling too many balls at the same time but, bar one, I feel some satisfaction that I'm doing things that I enjoy and building for the future with my family's help."

Simon knew the answer but needed to ask, "I take it that the 'bar one' is Sarah?"

Mark grimaced and nodded as he said, "yeahhhh" with a long drawn out breath,

"Perhaps we should begin by outlining the issues that you have?"

It was no surprise then that Mark rattled off his prepared list after drawing it from an inside pocket of his jacket. Right at the top was the expected question, 'why?' and he decided that he would home in on that as the key to progress but it was frustrating that there was so little time. He continued, "Mark, I have to say that dealing with all your issues will take a lot longer than we have time for today. Let me ask the obvious question, what are your immediate goals from your ball juggling?"

"Look, I'll be honest, my first priority is the children, they adore their mother and she is great with them." Mark hesitated so Simon turned his palm for Mark to continue. "But I find it hard to have her around me most of the time, sometimes like when she first arrived at my side, I find her desirable then that manifests to so much anger at what we have lost. At other times I treat her like a live-in paid nanny and I find that is the easiest way for me to ignore what I really feel. I'm not sure how long she can live with being just 'nanny' but given her proclivity to abandon us for wild sex I expect her to abandon us again at any time. I wonder at times if she has kept in touch with her weekend sex partners, there really isn't any trust left in me."

Simon knew there were no answers to Mark's doubts, it would take a lot of time to rebuild trust, if ever. It was a regular issue at such consultations and the best anyone could hope for was a cohabitation long enough for the scars to heal. In this case the cause wasn't a long preconceived affair and he had hoped that some level of understanding could be achieved, but it had been many months now during which they had mostly been apart. All he could do was continue the meeting over predictable grounds and draw out the main issues once again to look for areas to work on. He really didn't think that there was much hope but he would try to see if a working relationship could be negotiated.

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By the time they sat down for their final 'joint consultation' Simon realised he was still not making progress on their personal issues and he really didn't have any hopes. He put the 'why' question again to Sarah to satisfy Mark's underlying purpose but as expected she was unable to offer anything more, so he then concentrated on how they could find a life that worked for them both. The meeting did not last long before Mark became frustrated and prone to make nasty comments that were upsetting to Sarah and achieved nothing. Eventually the question had to be asked again. Sarah said she hadn't worked out the answer fully, she was still just repeating that she got swept away in the moment and felt like she was young again going on an adventure. Of course her friends had reinforced that feeling and prevented Mark from making her face the reality of what she was doing.

Mark let her go on, forcing himself not to speak, to allow silences that had to be filled. He had thought a lot about the problem, sometimes that was all he could think about. Sometimes he just felt numb and wished it would all go away. He waited until Simon turned to him. He could see Simon's expression, almost pleading with him to be conciliatory. He thought for a moment wondering what was to be gained from what was left of this meeting. What could be achieved from what was left of this meeting. What could be achieved if he laid out his feelings. It was becoming 'old hat' just like her reasoning for why she'd walked out on him. He decided that this would be the last time, he was tired of going nowhere and in reality what could be achieved? The dirty deed was done and there was no going back. All that Simon could really hope to achieve was to prevent it happening again, at least in Mark's expectations. In reality Mark was sure of some things and he decided that they should be voiced and that was that. He would throw the dice and see how they rolled, that was life after all. It had been learned the hard way that you could never be sure about the future.

Mark took a deep breath and began. "I want to say first, and I have thought about this a lot. I do not believe that people do things unconsciously unless asleep or in a coma. At some point we ask ourselves what the risk is and, depending on our personal level of self-control, make a decision. When you were about to leave me, you had to have asked yourself what you were risking, even if it was just for a fleeting moment and then over the next two days you had to have been conscious enough sometimes to think about what you were doing. In those moments you must have reinforced in your mind the choices you had made. You clearly knew how wrong your behaviour had been because at one point you tried to claim that you had been kidnapped.

Mark stopped for a moment collecting his thoughts and Simon looked at him to see if he was finished. Mark shook his head and went on.

"I think you realised after you left the club that the damage was done and there was no going back. You probably justified yourself as having been a wife and mother long enough and it was time to take something for yourself. You probably considered telling me but realised that if you did it would bring your adventure to an end and force you to realise just how wrong it was, so you stuck your head in the sand and pretended it didn't matter, that you could resolve the fall-out come what may. This was for you and to hell with the consequences."

Sarah's face had gone pale, she looked like she was going into shock. There was a time in their history when he would have realised and stopped but it was too late for that. Simon looked like he thought all of his hard work had been for nothing.

"So where does that leave us?" Mark was continuing. "Frankly I don't see why I shouldn't treat you with the same level of disrespect. When I look back, I put away many of the things I was into before we were married, I played sports, went out with the guys, went off on adventures when the guys could all afford it. When we became exclusive I gave up all my girlfriends. You decided that you were to be the centre of my world, that you should be the most important thing in my life, any other ambitions I had should be shelved."

Mark looked at Sarah then Simon to see what, if any, reaction he was getting. He decided it was like dumb acceptance, after all, what could they say?"

He continued, "So what are my choices really? I have responsibilities, people I care about greatly and they are my greatest priority but now I don't have to consider you any more and that's really where I stand. I don't know if you can be trusted in the future but I am lucky to have loving parents who adore their grandchildren. So no doubt you are wondering where you stand now?"

He didn't let her respond, wanting to bring his monologue to a close.

"You are the mother of my children and we have always gotten along so that's it, isn't it? We'll have to carry on getting along but two things have changed. First, if you duck out of your life again without agreement I won't let you back in. It will hurt the children again but that's a lot better than keep repeating the same hurt over and over.

The second point is that I will do what I want regardless of what you think or feel so don't even try to dissuade me, you have lost that right. I won't do to you what you did to me, I will at least have the manners to tell you in some way or other. As far as you are concerned you can do what you want as long as you don't expect my acceptance or approval. But one thing, if you go off to have sex in any shape or form, do not come back until you have been thoroughly checked and signed off by a doctor. I will not allow you to risk passing on disease.

There was a moment's silence when he realised something he'd missed then he added with emphasis. "Don't ever bring anyone else into our lives, that would be unforgivable. If you want to have your dirty fuckfests, do so far away from my family."

Sarah had been staring at her feet and waited for him to signal that he was finished. She didn't have an answer for him so in a way she just let his words just wash over her. She had already made up her mind about what the next few years had for her. She would make sure that the children got the best family upbringing she could, she knew she owed them that. As far as Mark was concerned she would just take each day as it came, try to keep out of his way and not set him off on one of his rants. She just wished that she understood why she allowed herself to get embroiled with that celebrity, she could understand Mark's point of view, she'd spent enough time with Simon to realise what effect her behaviour had had on others. She had realised painfully how she would have felt in Mark's shoes but there was nothing she could say that would make it better, how could she if she didn't understand herself?

Simon glanced at Mark with a degree of relief, he wasn't happy but had to accept that his client had found some way forward, something that didn't preclude a life that might satisfy both of them.

Everything went silent until eventually Sarah looked up, shook her head slightly and turned her head to look at Simon as if nothing had been said. Simon looked back expecting a rebuttal, at least an argument but nothing came. Eventually he said, "Have you anything to add Sarah?"

"Nope."

Simon decided he needed time to think about all that had been said and was pleased to have an opportunity to wind things up, he said. "I think we should talk again in say one month. You have my number if you want to discuss anything urgently." Sarah assented and he turned to Mark. That person was wondering if she listened to a word he had said. After a moment he replied in the affirmative, now resigned to come what may.

They rose as one and shook hands then turned to leave. Following Sarah out, Mark had a sudden thought that led him to turn back. He told Sarah he would be a moment and turned back to ask a question once Sarah was out of hearing, "Simon, In all your experience have you ever had a client who didn't know why they did what they did, that led to divorce proceedings?"

Simon thought for a second, "You know Mark, I think it would be the majority of cases. Yes, I know there are people who have affairs because they are dissatisfied with their partners, for example husbands who obsess over business and give nothing to their home and family. Yet in the main both men and women seem to get swept away in the moment. Sometimes once they have committed one act they repeat offend in the belief that if they can get away with it once so they can get away with it again, then again. One problem is that the act itself of doing something risque gives a greater impression of enjoyment than is really the case. It's exciting and different and they get carried away with a self deluded belief that it must be fantastic, because otherwise it would mean that they have put their life and relationships at risk for nothing. I would like to think that most offenders get caught eventually, just because they become over confident or perhaps because the husband or wife has been distracted by the demands of life up until then *and suddenly becomes aware of something. But to get back to your point, that first time is often a mystery to the guilty party. Does that answer your question?"

Mark digested the answer before replying, "It does and it doesn't. I can't excuse the act but what you say does make a stupid kind of sense."

Simon smiled at him, "There's naught as weird as folks." then realising he'd used some obscure saying he laughed and added, "Where on earth does that saying come from? It's true though, isn't it?"